Manifesting Friendship?

[fender1212]

I want to thank anyone in advance who takes the time to read this and respond. I appreciate your feedback and support.

 

My ex and I broke up roughly 5 months ago. I can see now that I'm outside of the bubble of the relationship that our relationship failed in large part because of our life situations and our actions because of them. I got denied by every college I applied to (3.8 gpa student who's very hardworking and determined) at the same time that she lost her job/apartment and had to move back in with her parents. Because I had a feeling of all of my hopes and dreams shattering before me, I lost a lot of motivation and drive. When we met I was very proactive - exercised regularly, had goals I was working to achieve outside of school, and generally loved life. That all changed after I got denied - I felt this feeling of, "what's the point?" This came at the same time that my ex was very emotionally distraught about having to move back in with her parents, whom she didn't have very good relationships with and felt abused her emotionally (personally, I thought her parents were great people who tried their best to be loving and supportive, and that sometimes she focused too much on every little negative thing about them). We ended up both not giving our all to the relationship - perhaps me more than her, I'm not sure which it was for sure. We stopped spending as much time together and our communication went downhill - I'm sure you can imagine the rest

 

Like many people, I went a little crazy after she brought up the idea of us breaking up. It's funny how that happens - particularly considering the fact that I was unhappy and was considering breaking up myself. Nonetheless, I overreacted - however, we were able to patch things up and tried being friends. I think the biggest mistake I made was not clearly communicating my need for space. I believe that had I taken space initially until I was really ready to be friends, that things would have worked out differently - reality is what it is though.

 

We tried to be very good friends after only 3-4 days of separation from each other. This worked out until her birthday. She invited me to come with her and her friends to her birthday party, and I asked her if that's really what she wanted. She asked me what did I mean, and I said that it's her birthday, and she should be able to have whatever kind of fun she may want, including romantic or sexual fun - hell, we only celebrate our birth once a year. She felt like I was guilt tripping her into not enjoying her night romantically or sexually with anyone. She layed down the, "if you really loved me, you would be happy if I found someone that made me happy."

 

In reality - and this is what I told her - I was just trying to set her free, because I knew that if I saw her with someone else that I would get emotional and THEN she would feel guilty and try to console me, which isn't what I wanted.

 

Because of how awkward this made things I decided to arrive at the party in my own car with my friends - we ended up getting there late and it was so crowded I never saw her. She texted me later that night asking if I had gotten there and telling me she had a great birthday

 

The next night she was at a friends party in the area and pictures in the next few days arose of her with a girl behind her nibbling her neck with her hands on her boobs and she looked really happy (she's bi, as am I, please don't judge). I got upset with her because I felt like she wasn't being considerate of my emotions by putting pictures like that online (facebook) where I could obviously see them.

 

We got in a big fight and I ended up telling her that I thought we shouldn't talk until she was ready to have a health relationship. She sent me back a fairly positive and supportive email saying that she, "see's me in so much love and light" and that not not talking would probably be a good idea, and that she hopes our paths cross someday

 

Imbedded in the email were certain responses to what we were arguing about. At the time of the email it was nearly 3am and I was VERY sick (physically sick with the flu). I tend to not have the best head on my shoulders when I'm tired and sick, and my reply was mostly consisting of rebutting her points to our argument (which were honestly probably true). I regret being so explosive and replying in the way that I did.

 

Fast forward to now - She ignores every call/text/email I make. I try not to contact her more than twice a month, because I don't want to come across as overbearing. Called her before new years and left a message basically saying, "Hey, was just calling to see how life's going for you. If you'd like to talk it would be nice to hear from you, and if not that's cool too - hope you have a great new years". Didn't get a single response

 

A couple weeks later I found out that I may be moving, and I wanted to see if I could get a book back from her that my mom loaned to her, so I gave her a call - no reply, full voicemail (her voicemail is usually full). sent her an email asking her if she wouldn't mind me stopping by to pick it up, or if it makes her more comfortable she could mail it to me. Keep in mind that a month ago I went through my entire closet and car and mailed her all of her things that I could find - so it's not as if I'm simply asking without giving. No reply

 

She's been active on social networking sites so I know that she's alive and thriving. I think the biggest thing that hurts me is that we aren't friends right now, and I could have potentially taken action (space) to would have changed that. I remember that when I met her, and after getting to know her well, I told myself, "wow, even if things don't work out, I could see this girl being my best friend." I'm at a point in my life where I'm well over the breakup - I've become very proactive; I'm doing well in school, have started my own business. I'm single and loving it - not because I can date whoever I please - but because of the freedom to grow unhindered. I go long boarding and rock climbing with friends as well as exercise everyday. I'm very excited about life, and one of the best parts? I recently turned a fairly negative relationship I had with my parents into a wonderful flowering relationship that has been richly rewarding. I love my life - but something is missing.

 

I miss the friendship I had with my ex. I felt like I could tell her anything - like I had finally met someone who I could feel 100% comfortable being myself around. I wasn't ever in it for her looks. Although my ex was extremely attractive, what really drew me to her was her personality, and the way I felt like we fit together perfectly (until things started going seriously downhill because of our life situations). I'm not going to ask, "why" - I think that's a question with answers I don't really need. I'd like to ask "how". How can I get her to open up and talk to me again? I'd love to have her in my life as a friend, and be there for her in her life for friendship and support. She's such an amazing person, I'd like for us both to have a fantastic friendship together - I just need to know how to go about manifesting that.

 

Thank you again - I'm sure it was a lengthy read, and I appreciate all feedback