pandagirl Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 My friend met her new boyfriend through a blind date that was set up by a friend. She's very cute, smart, funny -- total catch. Never had a problem finding men to date, but she's had bad luck in having a real relationship. She also tried online dating, and we were talking about it. She said, "You know, if he would have written me on OK Cupid, I wouldn't have written him back. He didn't meet any of my requirements. He's older, not as tall as I'd like, and bald. I wouldn't have even thought about dating him at all." But now she is absolutely crazy about him. We were saying how there is something so important about meeting someone in person, and how online dating makes you lazy because people who might be good for you, you can so easily dismiss if they don't fit your vision of what you want. And that is the crux of the problem of online dating for me. Yes, I think it's a good way to meet people, but I'm even guilty of nexting guys for all sorts of reasons based on their profile or photo, age or height. I'm sure guys do the same thing to me, too. Online dating open us up to a lot more options, but I think it also makes us more closed-minded.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 This probably has little or nothing directly to do with "online dating". Had the same woman been stuck in an elevator for an hour with six men, there is a lot more chance that she would have dated any one of the six than would be the case had she and they all been in a large room for an hour with 600 men. When in a group of 600 men, as the only female, you might sift out quickly those seemingly about to die, those whose eyes aren't open, those wearing a blue shirt, those wearing flip-flops. You have to utilize some criteria to winnow down the giant numbers in the large room or in the vast online audience. In the elevator you could have a 10-minute up-close grilling of each candidate during your hour in their presence.
Author pandagirl Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 This probably has little or nothing directly to do with "online dating". Had the same woman been stuck in an elevator for an hour with six men, there is a lot more chance that she would have dated any one of the six than would be the case had she and they all been in a large room for an hour with 600 men. When in a group of 600 men, as the only female, you might sift out quickly those seemingly about to die, those whose eyes aren't open, those wearing a blue shirt, those wearing flip-flops. You have to utilize some criteria to winnow down the giant numbers in the large room or in the vast online audience. In the elevator you could have a 10-minute up-close grilling of each candidate during your hour in their presence. I think I get what you're saying, but I don't think it's a very good analogy for online versus "real life" dating.
carhill Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 IMO, it depends on one's personal perspective regarding how they meet people. If it's the personal interactions which define the dynamic, then methods of effecting those personal interactions are equivalent. If one uses the methods as 'shopping', assigning canned criteria, then one necessarily and voluntarily limits their dating pool to those who have cleared the 'shopping' test. If a good potential gets by the shopping method, that's a byproduct of the methodology. It's an acceptable loss. I look at it this way. If I hadn't looked online, I likely would never have met *any* of those people in real life. Even meeting one potential that way would be an improvement over the real life scenario. Disclaimer: All my LTR's, partners and wife came as a result of meeting said people 'online'. To me, virtual strangers and real strangers are just a conversation and connection away from friends and potential lovers. Equal. YMMV
paddington bear Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Panda girl, I totally agree. The last guy I met from a dating site was much, much younger than me. But I thought, well, if that's not a problem for him, why not meet up? Tomorrow I have a date with someone really, much too old for me, but it is only fair to also meet with him. I have taken the tack of basically meeting anyone who I am not utterly repulsed by, and who seems to have something in common with me. Before on these sites I was too picky and too scared that if I met someone that I was so-so about based on their profile, that I'd have to go through the horrible process of rejecting them, so wouldn't meet them in the first place. Now I think 'who knows' and just go on a date asap, don't spend weeks emailing, which builds up some false sense of intimacy with a person who you have yet to meet and is thus a waste of time. I'm not taking it sooo seriously in terms of whittling down the desireables. I could click in reality with any one of them. I'd still much rather prefer to meet someone in reality though.
Author pandagirl Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Panda girl, I totally agree. The last guy I met from a dating site was much, much younger than me. But I thought, well, if that's not a problem for him, why not meet up? Tomorrow I have a date with someone really, much too old for me, but it is only fair to also meet with him. I have taken the tack of basically meeting anyone who I am not utterly repulsed by, and who seems to have something in common with me. Before on these sites I was too picky and too scared that if I met someone that I was so-so about based on their profile, that I'd have to go through the horrible process of rejecting them, so wouldn't meet them in the first place. Now I think 'who knows' and just go on a date asap, don't spend weeks emailing, which builds up some false sense of intimacy with a person who you have yet to meet and is thus a waste of time. I'm not taking it sooo seriously in terms of whittling down the desireables. I could click in reality with any one of them. I'd still much rather prefer to meet someone in reality though. The problem is is that I'm probably AM too picky. Do you think for some people, online just isn't a good vehicle to meet people? A few of my friends who have *encouraged* me to do online dating have even admitted me that I probably won't find the kind of guy I want on a dating site.
irc333 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 She also tried online dating, and we were talking about it. She said, "You know, if he would have written me on OK Cupid, I wouldn't have written him back. He didn't meet any of my requirements. He's older, not as tall as I'd like, and bald. I wouldn't have even thought about dating him at all." Too Funny, "GivenUp" (someoen on this site, told me the complete opposite. I totally agree on this account, your friend makes a good point, Online has driven people to become more shallow and picky in their criteria. I had some people stated....I knew of this one woman, she went to a relatively large church (this is when a lot of online dating sites were free), it had a large singles ministry, she tried the real face-to-face at their events, and apparently she thought them to be mostly social misfits that wierded her out, so she preferred online dating (of course that is the exception to the rule) But yeah, I DO believe, that A LOT of women I have emailed online that I KNEW would be a great match, that ignored me, had they me in person at a social gathering at a friend's house, they would've probably had no problem giving me their # and going out with me. VERY good point about online dating. It keeps people apart actually. This probably has little or nothing directly to do with "online dating". Sorry, disagree, this has A LOT to do with the fact it's online dating, it draws a rift between people.
Author pandagirl Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 = VERY good point about online dating. It keeps people apart actually. Sorry, disagree, this has A LOT to do with the fact it's online dating, it draws a rift between people. But it does open your options. I'm just saying that having a lot of people to choose from, makes you much more "picky." Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but can also work against you.
paddington bear Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 The problem is is that I'm probably AM too picky. Do you think for some people, online just isn't a good vehicle to meet people? A few of my friends who have *encouraged* me to do online dating have even admitted me that I probably won't find the kind of guy I want on a dating site. Well there are those who say it is a great way to meet people. I know one girl who just didn't give up, went on over 40 dates before she finally met someone compatible. When I first joined up properly again over Christmas, I was thinking 'oooh this is great'. Now I see that, well among the normal, decent guys on there, there are a lot who already have a girlfriend (written in their profile), are bisexual (not my thing) etc. Leaving them aside, I think there is very much the attitude of kid in a candy shop. Say that in reality you rarely go on dates, rarely meet someone that you click with, when you do, that person is someone special and you don't really want to mess that up. On a dating site, (perhaps I'm wrong) it is all too easy to go "oh well he/she was great, but maybe I could find something better". Gives you the perception that you could be missing out on something else. On the other side, I met that guy who never contacted me again online. And have been pining. Checking out other possibilities has helped me to realise that he is not the only man in the world...but then I worry, that they will just behave the way he did. I see him online, obviously seeking out women better than me.
zengirl Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I don't think this is an online dating thing so much. In fact, I tend to notice other qualities -- humor, intelligence, common interests -- more easily online, by reading profiles (I thoroughly read the profile of anyone who sent me a message last time I was online) than I would when people ask me out in public places (grocery store, bar, etc) or in groups I join (book club, yoga class, etc). The only way I can consider these qualities is if I know them, so meeting guys through friends or guys I've had a lot of contact with (work, maybe if they'd come to the same book club as me for a year or something, etc) would be just as good, but since I changed careers to Education, I've meet less men this way. So, online works for me. I do think meeting through friends, as your friend did, is always good. Basically, it depends on how you USE any medium, including online. If I had met my current BF in a public sphere, I never would've known I was interested enough to ask him out/talk to him, and he would've never come over and spoken to me (he's a shy introverted programmer type guy). At any rate, the most important thing is to know what you actually want, and not what you think you want, and use the mediums to suss out who might have those qualities, even if they don't seem "perfect" at first.
Author pandagirl Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) Say that in reality you rarely go on dates, rarely meet someone that you click with, when you do, that person is someone special and you don't really want to mess that up. This is me and how I am. I meet someone I like, and I pretty much have blinders on to other people until it ends or it doesn't work out. I'm definitely not a GIG sort of person. But, maybe the problem is that, in general, I'm just a particular person. When I look at my group of friends and social circle, it's pretty insular. We're all different, but there is definitely a specific "type" of person I like and tend to interact with. And I guess I'm looking for that online, and it's making me be too picky? Edited January 22, 2011 by pandagirl
SunsetRed Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I get what you're saying. Plus, there's a stigma about online dating or at least I personally have stereotyped what online daters are like. I automatically assume that if a man is on an online site, then he's desperate or crazy or there's something wrong with him. I know this is unjustly prejudiced, as I'm on the site myself. I am overly cautious about anyone I've met on a dating site. I don't think I'll ever move beyond meeting someone in a public place in daylight, if they are an online person. But honestly, so far the guys I have met were desperate for sex in a creepy, unnatural way and I've also met some guys who clearly had an untreated mental disabiltity. Maybe I met these guys because that's what I was expecting to meet, but still... I like meeting people in real life better, but I'm 42 and it's hard to meet anyone on a regular basis. Maybe I should just embrace my singleness!
Sydney6468 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Just as an observation.... Panda you are right, as with anything and everything in life there are pros and cons to any approach. What might be good for one person is not always good for the next. With so many profiles to sift through on most dating sites may I offer this small piece of advice. Spend as much time and energy in translating a profile as you do to filling one out. If the profile holds your interest then there is a greater chance that the person behind the profile will also hold your interest. I would also suggest perhaps finding a social site that allows you to directly interact with other people in real time and perhaps you will stumble into something meaningful. You can make a few new friends, which helps out any relationship, after all when picking a date based on looks you may be able to find lust but it is a lot harder to find love. Most of the people I have talked to tell me that the old cliche holds a great deal of truth...... "Once you stop looking for the right one? He/she will end up bumping into you where you least expect it."
Sanman Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) To answer the OP's question, it is not about online dating but choice. You mentioned that both you and your friend made choices to reject people because they did not meet your preferences. In the example you gave, friends intervened and set her up with someone they thought she would like. This guy got a chance to shine and she really likes him. What would have happened if this guy had been at a party with her standing next to a younger, taller guy with all his hair? Really, the issue is about choice. Those with too much choice tend to be much pickier and are more likely to regret the choice they made. Science has shown this. Back in the more traditional days of dating, you had two or three choices and you picked the best one. You accepted the shortcomings and embraced the positive qualities. As a guy, I am guilty of the same thing. While I have dated women of all ethnicities, , most of my online dating is limited to women of my own ethnicity simply because many more women respond and it is a way of cutting down the number of profiles I read/women I contact. There are simply too many women who are not willing to date outside of their ethnicity online for me to waste time writing messages to very many of them (yet, I have dated some of these women after meeting them at a bar). Does this mean that I may miss out on a great woman who may date me? Absolutely. But if I did not apply any criteria to the profiles, how would I be able to sort through and read all of them? Even then, a profile may not accurately reflect a person. Edited January 23, 2011 by Sanman
Author pandagirl Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Most of the people I have talked to tell me that the old cliche holds a great deal of truth...... "Once you stop looking for the right one? He/she will end up bumping into you where you least expect it." This may be true, but SOME effort has to be put in, right? To be honest, I'm totally OK being single right now and starting to really enjoy it, but I'm almost 33, and I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to feel anxious about my biological clock ticking. To answer the OP's question, it is not about online dating but choice. You mentioned that both you and your friend made choices to reject people because they did not meet your preferences. In the example you gave, friends intervened and set her up with someone they thought she would like. This guy got a chance to shine and she really likes him. What would have happened if this guy had been at a party with her standing next to a younger, taller guy with all his hair? Really, the issue is about choice. Those with too much choice tend to be much pickier and are more likely to regret the choice they made. Science has shown this. Back in the more traditional days of dating, you had two or three choices and you picked the best one. You accepted the shortcomings and embraced the positive qualities. As a guy, I am guilty of the same thing. While I have dated women of all ethnicities, , most of my online dating is limited to women of my own ethnicity simply because many more women respond and it is a way of cutting down the number of profiles I read/women I contact. There are simply too many women who are not willing to date outside of their ethnicity online for me to waste time writing messages to very many of them (yet, I have dated some of these women after meeting them at a bar). Does this mean that I may miss out on a great woman who may date me? Absolutely. But if I did not apply any criteria to the profiles, how would I be able to sort through and read all of them? Even then, a profile may not accurately reflect a person. So what are you saying? You're not making a very pro-online dating statement here.
LittleTiger Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 And that is the crux of the problem of online dating for me. Yes, I think it's a good way to meet people, but I'm even guilty of nexting guys for all sorts of reasons based on their profile or photo, age or height. I'm sure guys do the same thing to me, too. Online dating open us up to a lot more options, but I think it also makes us more closed-minded. It's interesting that you say online dating makes us more closed-minded when what you're really doing is admitting that it makes you more closed-minded. Of course, this probably isn't a trait that is unique to you and I'm sure there are others who do the same. However, the great thing about this is that you recognise it as personal style and, if you wish, you can do something to change it. It's not online dating that's the problem, it's how you approach it. You are obviously aware that there are many good men online, just as there are elsewhere, who you might pass over for a multitude of bad reasons. So open up your mind and give yourself more options. I'm a big fan of online dating. I met my husband-to-be online. I would never have met him any other way because he currently lives 12,000 miles away on the other side of the planet. Did I initially discount him as a possible partner based on distance? Of course I did. Who wants to be in the mother of all LDRs? Am I glad I gave what I thought was just a long distance 'friendship' a chance? HELL YES! Online dating is just one more easy and convenient way to meet potential partners. It's really no different from meeting people in real life. You do still need to know what your 'deal-breakers' are (not everyone would choose to put up with 12,000 miles, even for true love), but if you can open yourself up to the possibily that 'Mr/Ms Right' may be shorter/older/younger/fatter/thinner/balder/poorer or different in a million other ways than you might be hoping for or expecting, you could find yourself spoiled for choice.
Sanman Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 So what are you saying? You're not making a very pro-online dating statement here. Well, my goal is not to be pro/anti online dating. Really, I don't think that online dating has anything to do with it. It is about how people make decisions when they have many choices as opposed to few of them.The point being that given this much choice, we may make the wrong decision in narrowing our criteria about who may be eligible for a date. Building on your blind date story, rather than doing what you usually do in online dating, why not have those closest to you pick out a couple of guys for you to date from the inline guys that contact you/profiles online? It isn't quite the same as a blind date, but isn't what we are talking about here the fact that your friend may have not have been giving the right person a chance using her own criteria and you are afraid you are doing the same thing?
Emilia Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Internet dating can do wonders for some poeple, while it can be a total disaster for other... It all depends on your and the other person's personality. Sometimes it is a must to meet in "real life" before starting anything big. which makes me want to say Max, if that's you on your avatar photo, you are a hottie
dispatch3d Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 The problem is is that I'm probably AM too picky. Do you think for some people, online just isn't a good vehicle to meet people? A few of my friends who have *encouraged* me to do online dating have even admitted me that I probably won't find the kind of guy I want on a dating site. Get better at rejecting guys. Honestly going on a bunch of dates (which are usually free) with guys you could potentially really like, and worst (and most common) case scenario you reject them isn't that bad of a deal.
Author pandagirl Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 It's interesting that you say online dating makes us more closed-minded when what you're really doing is admitting that it makes you more closed-minded. Of course, this probably isn't a trait that is unique to you and I'm sure there are others who do the same. However, the great thing about this is that you recognise it as personal style and, if you wish, you can do something to change it. It's not online dating that's the problem, it's how you approach it. I met my last boyfriend, who I was in love with, online. So it's not that I think online dating isn't a good vehicle to meet people. I think I got really lucky with meeting him. It's true, I have certain criteria in my head. I want someone intelligent and creative, that can complement my intelligence and creativity. Maybe this is unreasonable? Maybe these things are too superficial, but I know it's these things that help me sustain my friendships and have added joy that was very meaningful to me in previous relationships. In general, it can't help to be more open-minded, so it's something I think I should work on.
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