gator12 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 If you want all the details on the relationship I have a posted in the breakup forum. But to sum it up I dated the girl for 8 months, I was her first and she was mine. And we were very much in love, and I know it was real love, because I had been in that whole infatuation honeymoon phase thing before and this just felt. Different. Just right. Anyways her circle of friends didnt really approve of the whole sex thing, except her best guy friend, he was kind of one of those guys who's chill about everything and wouldn't judge her. She needed someone to talk to other than of course me about losing it (and while I hesitated, I agreed cuz I didn't want to be the controlling boyfriend and I really loved her.) It came back to bite me in the a**. And we had our breakup a week after she told me she had cheated on me with him. (not sex) I came back home that weekend and we talked about it she cried, I cried she apologized I told her I would try to make this work if she would try. I wanted to give it another try but she's the one who pulled the plug on it the last day i was in town. So we broke up, I had 1.5 weeks NC, then 1 week of contact I gave her the christmas present I had for like 3 months, she was genuinely grateful but it was clear she would not get back with me at that time. So it's been NC since then save one contact with her about getting her present resized which she initiated and I replied to straight to the point and then cut off contact. Now she's not dating this guy, but I know he likes her, hes her best guy friend and was always plotting, I know it. It was my mistake to trust him in any way. My question is this, one why in the heck would she get my promise ring to her resized after she pretty much broke the promise of it(us). I mean the only reason would be to wear it...? And I know she cheated on me, but do you think she will feel guilty about it? She's a kind girl and I say that after 1 month of reflection on everything and it just wasnt in her character to cheat, just the way all the cards fell. My pushing her away and that a**hole positioning himself to "comfort" her. Any thoughts please?
PegNosePete Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Welcome to the forums. Sorry for your situation. it just wasnt in her character to cheat, just the way all the cards fell. Sorry dude, that's just BS. It's not "just the way the cards fell". This is not some random occurrence. People's behaviour and choices are not based on randomness. She CHOSE to cheat on you. It obviously IS in her character to cheat, because she DID. It's not your pushing away or your trusting him that caused her to cheat... it was HER who caused her to cheat. The blame starts and ends at her feet alone. This was your first relationship and it ended badly. Tough break dude. But you need to pick yourself up, and move on. This girl did not respect you and treated you badly. You need to find someone who will treat you with respect and who deserves you. NC her permanently dude. Forget about trying to analyse why she is getting the ring resized or what she is feeling. It's over. You need to forget about all that and work on yourself now.
Author gator12 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Well first thing's first, she's definately not my first relationship, she''s my second one I'd call really serious. I've had a few others but in the end they weren't all too serious to me. And i;m not excusing her, she did cheat, and yes it was her decision. But i will take a small part of the blame because i did cause some of the problems in our relationship. I mean in my experience from what I've read on the forums cheating happens when a woman is dissatisfied with a relationship. That doesn't make it okay in any way but that's what I've gathered from being on here. Now I'm notsaying I'd take her back if she came back, I've already moved on, it's been two months and I've had more than enough time to start going out again and meet new people. She'd have to show me she really wants to get back together with me and even then who knows if I would take her back. I was just curious if you guys think she would at all feel guilty about what she did. I'm not trying to call anyone out, but any cheaters or people who have been cheated on know if cheaters feel guilty at some point?
PegNosePete Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 But i will take a small part of the blame because i did cause some of the problems in our relationship. I mean in my experience from what I've read on the forums cheating happens when a woman is dissatisfied with a relationship. That doesn't make it okay in any way but that's what I've gathered from being on here. You have to distinguish between blame, and reasons. You can take some of the blame for your relationship problems. Just like me, I take 50% of the blame for the problems in my marriage. But her cheating, I take 0% responsibility. It was entirely her choice to cheat. She was not forced into it and nothing that I did excuses her doing that. Same for you; nothing that you did justifies infidelity. If she felt there were problems in the relationship then she should have talked to you about it. If she felt that she could not be happy with you, then she should have ended it before riding another guy. So no matter how much of the blame you take for the relationship problems, you should not take any of the blame for her cheating. I think a lot of cheaters do feel guilty and bad. That is why a lot of them try to remain friends, throw scraps, etc. And why a lot of rebound relationships fail. But to be honest -- it's not worth thinking about. Concentrate on fixing you.
Author gator12 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I get what you're saying and I agree with it. But let me make it clear about the cheating. She never had sex with the other guy, the only thing they did was was making out and text messages, I know because she let me read all of them and they said everything they did, which ultimately wasn't all that much. (she views sex as more precious than that as do I which is why her and I were each other's firsts) I mean cheating is cheating but at least she still values sex and fooling around. As for what you said, that's what I was saying, albeit in the wrong way. I take blame for the relationship problems, my share of them, but I dont take blame for her lack of communication and cheating. I acknowledge that our problems had some role in her cheating but I know it was her decision to do it regardless. I mean we were having a few problems the last 2 weeks before we broke up, and she did communicate them in a way. But face it, we're guys, and sometimes we really need things spelled out for us. We're not as intuitive as women are. I would've have worked through any problem but I'm not a mind reader. I'm sorry for the confusion, I'm bad at wording my thoughts sometimes.
seibert253 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 "Problems", and "lack of communication", are not valid excuses for cheating. As a matter of fact, there are NO excuses for cheating. Cheating shows a character flaw in the cheater. You're better off without her.
Distant78 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 "Problems", and "lack of communication", are not valid excuses for cheating. As a matter of fact, there are NO excuses for cheating. Cheating shows a character flaw in the cheater. You're better off without her. Took the words out of my mouth.
Author gator12 Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks for the input guys. that's what i basically said in my last post though lol. it's her loss, I know she'll be back cuz I treated her better than any bf she's ever had and when she realizes that she'll come running back but I'll be long moved on by then.
Distant78 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks for the input guys. that's what i basically said in my last post though lol. it's her loss, I know she'll be back cuz I treated her better than any bf she's ever had and when she realizes that she'll come running back but I'll be long moved on by then. That's the spirit. Let her deal with her own problems she caused. Find a real woman who will leave you before cheating on you.
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