Six weeks NC, why isnt it getting any easier?

[IzzyB]

So as the title says, why am I still having such a hard time with this? I have no contact at all. We dont know the same people, we dont live near each other so our paths never cross. I have no clue what he is up to. We did part on decent terms, although I was very clear with him not to contact me again. I thought by now I would at least miss him less even though I still have strong feelings for him. We were together about a year and I tried to break it off but never had the strength until recently.

 

I would appreciate hearing from those who have gotten over their AP's or are going through NC or trying to.

 

Thanks

[endlessness]

Hi, Izzy. I'm sorry this process is still very painful. I've been NC with my xMM since mid-Oct. At this point it truly feels like life has returned to normal for me, although waves of sadness over the whole experience still hit me from time to time. What has helped me was a conscious decision to move forward with my life; I recognized that this was the only way out of this agonizing state I was in. Any nostalgia that crept up thereafter was only hindering my healing process, so I did not allow myself to focus on the 'good' parts of our R. I no longer long for him and haven't for a long while.

 

Immediately after the A, I signed up myself for various classes and activities, finally doing things that I always wanted to try. Although in the beginning it mostly meant going through the motions, today I enjoy exploring these new activities wholeheartedly. Don't get me wrong, this chronic post-A sadness still lingers. But I put all my efforts into jumpstarting my evolution as a human being, which came to a halt during the A, and I am finally seeing progress. It's been slow, but a shift has occurred. My advice is the same as what most LS'ers offer: be patient with yourself first and foremost. It will take time. And it will take a conscious effort on your part to make those choices that would ultimately lead you to your recovery. Only you truly know what those choices are.

 

The fact that you had the fortitude to end the A shows that there is strength within you, which you will need to continue to draw upon through this journey. Have faith.

[awkward]

I would appreciate hearing from those who have gotten over their AP's or are going through NC or trying to.

 

 

I don't fall in this category so I can't comment on the getting over him part.

 

I think you are doing great. I see you working through your thoughts and feelings. Six weeks is a great success!

 

I hope you hear from OW in your situation and it helps you with what you are feeling. ((Izzy))

[Bittersweetie]

Izzy, you're doing great! For some reason, for me, I did better once I hit 8 weeks. I think it was because that was how long I'd tried to NC previously and failed. In my situation, I, too, never crossed paths with the AP. It was hard, I know at first I counted the days...then the weeks...then the months. All I can say is it got easier as time went by. Just take care of yourself, and stay strong!

[jj33]

It takes time. What are you doing to fill your time? Do you have friends or other people to go out with? Do you have hobbies or other things to do to fill your days and nights? Being busy really helps and being busy with other people is even better because it distracts you.

 

It does get better. Even now think about what caused you to break it off. As much as you love him, you must have been unhappy or you would have stayed in it.

 

So your life is already better because you dont have the unhappiness that the relationship caused you.

 

In part what you are suffering is loss of the hope and the "dream" for lack of a better term, that things could work out between you so you have hte I miss him with no immediate pay off. The balance will change.

 

At this point its like any other break up. You love him but it didnt work out and now you pick up the peices and move on.

[PleasantDeviation]

You need to shift your focus. I stopped counting the days but I know it's been well over 60 days and I still have a hard time sometimes and think of him. However, I made a lot of new friends and I've been hanging out all the time. I'm doing things to distract myself and things that make me feel good. It'll take time.

[East7]

I have noticed that it depends how busy you are with your life.

 

The more you are "passive" and staying alone, the more the lingering feelings will overwhelm you.

 

There are no miracle solutions except keeping yourself busy, being as much as possible with other people.

 

I have also noticed that the typical recovery time is 2-3 months. In about 3 months of NC the chronic sadness gradually disappears but it is not in a linear pattern, more like a rollercoaster, there are days you feel good and days you feel down.

Edited January 22, 2011 by East7

[endlessness]

I have also noticed that the typical recovery time is 2-3 months. In about 3 months of NC the chronic sadness gradually disappears but it is not in a linear pattern, more like a rollercoaster, there are days you feel good and days you feel down.

 

I agree. Now I recognize those periods of sadness as simply a necessary part of my recovery process. I don't fight it, simply let myself feel whatever I'm feeling, but I also don't let those feelings carry me away and affect my performance in other areas of my life. Sometimes it lasts a day, sometimes a week, but eventually the grip of those emotions weakens and I return to a state of emotional balance. I think resistance to this grieving / healing process only makes things worse, preventing one from leaving this experience behind.

[IzzyB]

Thanks for the responses. It helps to hear that it does get better. Just an FYI, I am also married and I never wanted MOM to leave his situation. So I did not have false hopes about us being together one day, I was just very sad to lose our R and the passion that we had. There is none in my M. So yes, Im keeping very busy and working on me. But I still really miss him. I thought I would be much further along at this point in time. The longest we were ever able to maintain NC was about two weeks. You are right, there was a reason I made it final this time, I have to remember that.

[ItsNeverForever]

Thanks for the responses. It helps to hear that it does get better. Just an FYI, I am also married and I never wanted MOM to leave his situation. So I did not have false hopes about us being together one day, I was just very sad to lose our R and the passion that we had. There is none in my M. So yes, Im keeping very busy and working on me. But I still really miss him. I thought I would be much further along at this point in time. The longest we were ever able to maintain NC was about two weeks. You are right, there was a reason I made it final this time, I have to remember that.

 

Hey, Izzy Girl - if I remember correctly, you had MORE than one good reason to end it. I think it helps to remember those reasons that angered & saddened you, & remember who YOU are, what you deserve, and what you WILL get when your complicated situation sorts itself out. I know I'm not the most qualified to offer advice right now being the sorrya$$ waffler that I am, but even as the official "least patient person in all of recorded history", I still know that time is the only answer. I've recently been reminded of this with my reconnection with the exbf of 6 years ago...time really does change everything.

 

Here for you...{{{hugs}}}

[East7]

Thanks for the responses. It helps to hear that it does get better. Just an FYI, I am also married and I never wanted MOM to leave his situation. So I did not have false hopes about us being together one day, I was just very sad to lose our R and the passion that we had. There is none in my M. So yes, Im keeping very busy and working on me. But I still really miss him. I thought I would be much further along at this point in time. The longest we were ever able to maintain NC was about two weeks. You are right, there was a reason I made it final this time, I have to remember that.

 

 

If you are married, why don't leave your marriage if it is passionless ?

 

I'm sorry, I will never support married AP who stay married ! I was hurt by someone who wanted to keep her marriage...Just cake-eaters to me ! I mean..why begin an A if you want to stay with your H? We always have the choice to stay married and faithful or to be single and free as a bird.

 

Ok your OM is married, but if he was single I seriously doubt you'd leave your M for him.

[jlola]

If you are married, why don't leave your marriage if it is passionless ?

 

I'm sorry, I will never support married AP who stay married ! I was hurt by someone who wanted to keep her marriage...Just cake-eaters to me ! I mean..why begin an A if you want to stay with your H? We always have the choice to stay married and faithful or to be single and free as a bird.

 

Ok your OM is married, but if he was single I seriously doubt you'd leave your M for him.

 

 

I agree. If someone is unhappy in marriage why do they stay? I think for many people the longing,pining and fantasy is very romantic. THERE IS NOTHING MORE TRAGiC THAN ROMANCE THAT CAN NEVER BE. And as a friend said last night there are a lot of people who thrive in being unhappy. Thrive on drama.

 

If the Prince of England can give up his throne to marry the divorce Wallace Simpson, cause world ruckus and stand by his woman. Why is it so many AP's who believe this is the "love of their life" cannot?

 

I think AP's who will leave, do it within the first 6 months or within a year. After a year passes, they may still think they have a great love. But they somehow know the fantasy they have built in their head can never live up to reality. I think that keeps them ambivalant. The devil they know(marriage) is safer than the devil they do not know(affair partner).

[IzzyB]

If you are married, why don't leave your marriage if it is passionless ?

 

I'm sorry, I will never support married AP who stay married ! I was hurt by someone who wanted to keep her marriage...Just cake-eaters to me ! I mean..why begin an A if you want to stay with your H? We always have the choice to stay married and faithful or to be single and free as a bird.

 

Ok your OM is married, but if he was single I seriously doubt you'd leave your M for him.

 

 

Hey East, Im really sorry you experienced that. Did this MW tell you that she was going to leave the M for you? You're right, I wouldnt leave my M for this man and I never gave him any thoughts that I would and he never asked me to. In fact, we were both very clear up front what we were getting into and that neither would leave for the other. I dont believe that usually works out anyway, you have to leave because of the M relationship itself, not because of someone else.

 

So thats not really the issue here.

 

The issue for this particular post is staying strong and staying NC.

 

Thanks all for participating. I really do appreciate it.

 

Izzy

[East7]

Hey East, Im really sorry you experienced that. Did this MW tell you that she was going to leave the M for you?

 

No she didn't but that's not an answer to my question. If I understand you want to stay married but you are grieving for MOM...well we can't have it ALL can we ? Unless polygamy becomes legal and people are ok to share

 

You're right, I wouldnt leave my M for this man and I never gave him any thoughts that I would and he never asked me to. In fact, we were both very clear up front what we were getting into and that neither would leave for the other. I dont believe that usually works out anyway, you have to leave because of the M relationship itself, not because of someone else.

I know and I didn't expect her to do it for me but as a personal choice. Because if she ended it I wouldn't want her to blame me or resent me for that.

 

 

So thats not really the issue here.

 

The issue for this particular post is staying strong and staying NC.

 

Thanks all for participating. I really do appreciate it.

Izzy

Good luck with NC. 6 weeks or 6 months...it is NOT going to be better until you know what *you* really want, work on your M or be free of it.

[jwi71]

IzzyB,

 

Throw yourself back into your M is a GREAT way to forget your MOM.

 

In fact, I would say that the FASTEST way to forgetting him is to work on how your M is unsatisfying to you. To make it satisfying in your own eyes not only inoculates you against further transgressions but also tends to help you forget the MOM.

 

Failure to do so, in my view, drags this out AND keeps you vulnerable to yet another A - and you'll be right back to being unhappy.

 

Its your life - MAKE changes to be happier.

[IzzyB]

Good luck with NC. 6 weeks or 6 months...it is NOT going to be better until you know what *you* really want, work on your M or be free of it.

 

 

You are so right about this East. I actually do know what I want at this point and Im in IC in order to go about it the best way possible.

Thanks truly for your input.

 

How long did it take you to get over your MW or are you still in the grieving stages?

 

Izzy

[IzzyB]

IzzyB,

 

Throw yourself back into your M is a GREAT way to forget your MOM.

 

In fact, I would say that the FASTEST way to forgetting him is to work on how your M is unsatisfying to you. To make it satisfying in your own eyes not only inoculates you against further transgressions but also tends to help you forget the MOM.

 

Failure to do so, in my view, drags this out AND keeps you vulnerable to yet another A - and you'll be right back to being unhappy.

 

Its your life - MAKE changes to be happier.

 

Great advice JW, thank you.

 

Im working on it.

 

 

 

Izzy

[East7]

You are so right about this East. I actually do know what I want at this point and Im in IC in order to go about it the best way possible.

Thanks truly for your input.

 

How long did it take you to get over your MW or are you still in the grieving stages?

 

Izzy

 

I'm definitely not grieving but I miss her very often.

I don't like the "get over" expression, you never totally get over someone you have loved, you just learn to love yourself more.

 

You can say "getting over" after a couple of years when it will be nothing but history but even then you have this "someone" in the back of your mind, a place, a song, or an event brings back memories.

 

IC is a very good decision. The happiness and fulfillment is something to find inside you, not in OMs hands.

[blizzard]

I'm definitely not grieving but I miss her very often.

I don't like the "get over" expression, you never totally get over someone you have loved, you just learn to love yourself more.

 

You can say "getting over" after a couple of years when it will be nothing but history but even then you have this "someone" in the back of your mind, a place, a song, or an event brings back memories.

 

IC is a very good decision. The happiness and fulfillment is something to find inside you, not in OMs hands.

The bolded expression is amazing. And so very very true.

 

I agree with East. I am 8mts NC...well, lets see...I actually did try calling him at work a few weeks ago about his BS posting something profane on my fb page, but I never got him and I never tried back. But, no way was the call leading to anything else. I discovered that they are really stuggling with some issues, so I felt at peace with stepping away from all of it. At 8mts NC, I am at the point where I now believe that he made a choice...so let him reap it. So now I get a little disgusted and feeling sorry for him, and feeling more impowered by me. Because he is missing out on me and chose to live a miserable life making up for what he has done. A gray cloud forever looming over himself and his marriage for what he did. I pity him for being a coward and not having the courage to leave. I know that he is still going though a hard time in his marriage, and I have found knowing this makes me just want to just get away from them both. All the drama, the chaos. I have a chance to have a clean slate. A new relationship. One not flawed or tainted.

 

So yeah. It gets easier. I still cry at particular songs, and sometimes I still cry when I just miss him. But it gets better each month. I would say that this month has been the best so far...

 

Like East said, IC has been wonderful! I do encourage you to go...I am now focused on working on me and what's ahead. So, it makes thinking of him less of a priority. Best wishes and hugs.

Edited January 24, 2011 by blizzard

[Confused4Now]

I'm definitely not grieving but I miss her very often.

I don't like the "get over" expression, you never totally get over someone you have loved, you just learn to love yourself more.

 

You can say "getting over" after a couple of years when it will be nothing but history but even then you have this "someone" in the back of your mind, a place, a song, or an event brings back memories.

 

IC is a very good decision. The happiness and fulfillment is something to find inside you, not in OMs hands.

Excellent post!!! I totally agree with this as this is my opinion as well....

[Owl]

I have noticed that it depends how busy you are with your life.

 

The more you are "passive" and staying alone, the more the lingering feelings will overwhelm you.

 

There are no miracle solutions except keeping yourself busy, being as much as possible with other people.

 

I have also noticed that the typical recovery time is 2-3 months. In about 3 months of NC the chronic sadness gradually disappears but it is not in a linear pattern, more like a rollercoaster, there are days you feel good and days you feel down.

 

Totally agree with this.

 

You need to find something to fill the time you used to spend focusing on him with. Something that takes up the time and energy you used to spend on the affair.

 

Start working out during that time...take up a new hobby, resume an old one. Focus on rebuilding relationships with family/friends that you may have let lag while focusing on him.

 

Working out is great. It focuses your mind and energy on that...and done right, leaves you too tired afterwards to stay awake thinking about the "what ifs".

 

What are you doing to actively change your focus off of what was onto what is, and what can be?

[silverplanets]

So as the title says, why am I still having such a hard time with this? I have no contact at all. We dont know the same people, we dont live near each other so our paths never cross. I have no clue what he is up to. We did part on decent terms, although I was very clear with him not to contact me again. I thought by now I would at least miss him less even though I still have strong feelings for him. We were together about a year and I tried to break it off but never had the strength until recently.

 

I would appreciate hearing from those who have gotten over their AP's or are going through NC or trying to.

 

Thanks

 

Hi Izzy,

 

For me I could definitely notice particular points where it was harder ... almost where sometimes it seemed to be "going backwards". Eventually, what I noticed was that just after these times I took a big "leap forward".

 

An analogy I eventually came up with was an elastic band ... every time you are about to move to a new stage then you have to break the old one .... and just like an elastic band stretching it is easy but just before it breaks then it seems to have a real "pull" back.

 

From recollection, such points were 2 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months, 12 months .... not sure why these times .... but after each one I really jumped to a new level of happiness.

 

Not sure if this helps, ignore if not :-)

Chris

[IzzyB]

I want to thank each of you for your comments. Its all helpful. I am focusing on me and working hard to move forward. I know my marriage is pretty much over and that is very painful but I have to deal with it.

Im fortunate in that the EXMM has kept his promise not to contact me. I think if he did I would have caved. However, I fully realize he has nothing to offer me. And as a previous poster stated, he is still fully in his drama and crisis and I have enough of my own things to work through. And it is a relief for me to not be a part of it. Doesnt mean I dont miss him though.