Saphira Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I think you did the right thing. There is no way a person can be "friends" when you have a "more then friend" feeling for her. It is rather selfish of her to break your heart and still expect you to be able to be her friend. you cant love her and be there to watch her move on, and be her friend. it just wont work. you cant be her friend and see her get with new ppl and her to still expect you to be supportive and all that. It is better that you told her now what needs to happen. Even if it hurts. It will hurt more for you to keep going through all of that. good luck
heartshaped Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 He originally told me one month, but later amended that. It took me a while to come around after he gave me the ultimatum. I think that was mostly because we weren't NC. I was still talking to him everyday and seeing him. If he had completely gone NC on me I probably would have come around sooner. After he gave me the ultimatum, we had numerous conversations where I was just basically begging him to reconsider and just let us be friends, but he remained firm and I knew he meant what he said. The final straw came a little before the original deadline. It was his birthday weekend and I wanted to take him out that Saturday to celebrate. It turned into us making plans to spend the whole weekend together. He told me a few days before that, that after the weekend was over he needed to know one way or another if I wanted to be with him or not. But it was never about my want to be with him, you know? It was always about me and issues I still had from my past. I was in love with him before we even became a couple. I was just afraid to take that next step and especially afraid of what would happen if I did. I was fine with having casual relationships, but I knew that I was already in love with him and anything between us would be meaningful. But of course, he forced my hand. In the end, my fear of loosing him forever was greater than my fear of what would happen if we entered into a relationship. I told him the day before his birthday that if he still wanted me I'd love to be his girlfriend. If he'd never forced it though, we would still be friends. I was never going to make a move out of my comfort zone and why should I when I had the both of best worlds? He wasn't seeing anyone else, we were acting like a couple, and I had no real risk of getting hurt or any of my fears being realized. Even after we became a couple though because of the issues I had from my past I had to do a lot of work on my [irrational] fears, insecurity, anxiety, and like your ex, I do have the tendency to run as well.
GreenPolicy Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I will offer you my prospective Heartshaped, do you mind commenting on my story? You sound a lot like my ex: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253770/ I know why she left me: abandonment/intimacy/commitment issues. But I'm wondering if you could shed any light on what she probably feels about me, and if this was easy for her to walk away?
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 He originally told me one month, but later amended that. It took me a while to come around after he gave me the ultimatum. I think that was mostly because we weren't NC. I was still talking to him everyday and seeing him. If he had completely gone NC on me I probably would have come around sooner. It's so good to read this: "If he had completely gone NC on me I probably would have come around sooner". Not saying that NC will cause my ex to make the decision I want...but to read that from someone like who, like my ex, was unsure of what they wanted, and just wanted to be friends, just reassures me that I made the right decision. After he gave me the ultimatum, we had numerous conversations where I was just basically begging him to reconsider and just let us be friends, but he remained firm and I knew he meant what he said. The final straw came a little before the original deadline. It was his birthday weekend and I wanted to take him out that Saturday to celebrate. It turned into us making plans to spend the whole weekend together. He told me a few days before that, that after the weekend was over he needed to know one way or another if I wanted to be with him or not. My ex did the same with me. She really wanted to stay friends, tried to convince me, but she knew I meant it when I said "all or nothing" this time...just look at the texts: "Did you just give me a take it or leave it?", "I don't know what to do", "You can't do that, it's kinda unfair", etc. It's funny you mention his birthday, because Valentine's Day is in less than a month, and my ex's birthday is Feb. 19th...I feel like I have to stay strict NC throughout both if she hasn't come back with what I wanted to hear first. But it was never about my want to be with him, you know? It was always about me and issues I still had from my past. I was in love with him before we even became a couple. I was just afraid to take that next step and especially afraid of what would happen if I did. I was fine with having casual relationships, but I knew that I was already in love with him and anything between us would be meaningful. 2 months of this post-breakup "friendship" with my ex, almost all of it initiated by her, lets me know the same- that it's her own emotional issues that are keeping her from getting back with me right now more than anything. She's needed me in her life the whole time after the breakup...but at a distance, as friends. It's safer for her, just like it was for you. But of course, he forced my hand. In the end, my fear of loosing him forever was greater than my fear of what would happen if we entered into a relationship. I told him the day before his birthday that if he still wanted me I'd love to be his girlfriend. If he'd never forced it though, we would still be friends. I was never going to make a move out of my comfort zone and why should I when I had the both of best worlds? He wasn't seeing anyone else, we were acting like a couple, and I had no real risk of getting hurt or any of my fears being realized. Even after we became a couple though because of the issues I had from my past I had to do a lot of work on my [irrational] fears, insecurity, anxiety, and like your ex, I do have the tendency to run as well. If he'd never forced it though, we would still be friends. I was never going to make a move out of my comfort zone and why should I when I had the both of best worlds? He wasn't seeing anyone else, we were acting like a couple, and I had no real risk of getting hurt or any of my fears being realized. This basically sums up my entire post-breakup relationship with my ex! Just to hear it being said by another female feels amazing, because it hurt so much to "force her hand" and walk away...yet I know that if I didn't, she would NEVER move out of her comfort zone, and that "friendship" road to nowhere would've gone on forever. Like you, I just hope that my ex has the realization that whatever emotional issues/fears she has about getting back together, it's not worth losing me forever over them. Thanks again for really opening up about your story...to know that someone could have those kinds of issues, overcome them, continue to work on them, and stay together with your boyfriend for almost 2 years gives me hope.
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 ^^^ I hear you...but I felt like I was already in too deep, basically 2 months of me actually staying friends, to just go pure silence without saying anything. I could've went NC without the "all or nothing/we can't be friends" speech when I decided I had enough, but from everything I've read, you're not actually hurting your chances of future reconciliation by refusing the friendship. Most experienced LSers have said it's ok to say "I'm sorry, we can't be friends" when the dumper puts the offer out there, or even if you're already friends, as long as NC by the dumpee follows that. I feel like the NC now, the silence now, will be still be as powerful a weapon...it will still create that mystery, still bring those doubts to the surface, and still put those thoughts in her head about what I'm doing/who I'm with. In my opinion, NC is still the ultimate weapon, regardless of if I gave my "all or nothing/we can't be friends" speech first (which I did) or if I didn't. After 2 months of being fed crumbs and staying friends, I felt like I had to make it clear on my part, and put her to a decision. If anyone thinks I'm wrong, please let me know.
jenifer1972 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 She's a cake eater. Don't give her the satisfaction
Hhhh Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 even though a ton of people said it before me, but it helps to hear it again. You did the right thing buddy.
Author Skee Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 She's a cake eater. Don't give her the satisfaction even though a ton of people said it before me, but it helps to hear it again. You did the right thing buddy. thank you, it really does help to keep hearing it I was talking to my cousin today, and it's funny how different "real world" advice can be, even though friends/family can have experience with going through this and mean well. First he said: "Maybe all those warm texts lately was her way of getting comfortable enough with you again to get back together with you." Then when I told him I was going NC unless she contacts me first and only if it's about what I want (getting back together), he said: "If she texts you again, don't respond, just call her. If she won't pick up, you have your "all or nothing" answer anyway. Stop playing texting games. You can keep ignoring her texts after that if she's not willing to actually talk." Now I'm not gonna take his advice, but it just shows that no matter how much relationship experience you have (I have a decent amount myself), you can still be almost clueless on how to handle the aftermath of this kind of breakup.
whammy Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 never give a woman choices when it comes to what you do. You simply tell her what you are going to do and leave it that.
Author Skee Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 ^^^ when she asked if I just gave her a "take it or leave it" after I told her I could never be "just friends", that it's all or nothing for us, I responded back with this: "I'll never tell you how to feel or what to do. I can only tell you how I truly feel. If we can't have all of each other, I need to step away. I love you too much to pretend to be ok with being friends anymore." I told her what I was going to do and left it at that. I've been NC since I made the first post in this thread.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 "women whom they don't really want to bang" vs. ex-girlfriends...it's apples and oranges Sorry, wrong answer: Here, in case you can't interpret it on your own: "men have no interest in doing the friends only thing with women they no longer want to bang"
0hpenelope Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Sorry, wrong answer: Here, in case you can't interpret it on your own: "men have no interest in doing the friends only thing with women they no longer want to bang" Hm... so all men who have female friends have wanted to bang them in some form or the other? SOG my man, you can open a can of fun times with this statement! :laugh:
Ajax Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Hm... so all men who have female friends have wanted to bang them in some form or the other? SOG my man, you can open a can of fun times with this statement! :laugh: I don't like when people think this way. I'll admit to befriending some girls in hopes that it might develop into more, so I know it happens. But some of my closest friends are women who I've never had any interest in as more than friends. I'm sure that there are some guys out there who don't have female friends that they don't want to "bang." But it's a generalization that isn't true of everyone.
Floridaman Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Originally Posted by 0hpenelope Hm... so all men who have female friends have wanted to bang them in some form or the other? SOG my man, you can open a can of fun times with this statement! I don't like when people think this way. I'll admit to befriending some girls in hopes that it might develop into more, so I know it happens. But some of my closest friends are women who I've never had any interest in as more than friends. I'm sure that there are some guys out there who don't have female friends that they don't want to "bang." But it's a generalization that isn't true of everyone. Agreed. I've never been comfortable with someone telling me, "Fla. Man, all male-female relationships are about sex..." Though I have sexual needs and feelings and of course notice their physical beauty, like you, Ajax, I haven't always fantasized about having sex with every or even most women I meet.
gator12 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Agreed with the two above. I have deeply fufilling friendships with women who I don't have any urge to have sex with. Not all guys look at women as sex objects. I myself don't have sex with a women unless I really do love them, it's more important than that to me.
suddendumpee Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I'm the same. Plenty of girls that are just friends. Apparently, all the guys who don't look at girls as sex objects are posting on LS, and the ones that do are married. haha.
Country_Girl Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 thank you, it's always great to hear a female perspective, totally agree with every word of your post just curious, you said as a female dumper, you never considered reconciling with an ex you stayed friends with...but as the dumper, have you ever considered, or actually got back together, with an ex who dropped out of your life? someone who basically went NC on you if you did, is it true what they say on LS...that you made your intentions 100% clear that you did want to get back together when you got in touch with him again? Well, I was only the dumper once, and in that relationship I stayed friends with him because I was worried about him (he was depressed and out of work for 2 years). He tried to reconcile 2 times (1 year later, then 2 years later) but I just couldn't see him as more than a friend, and I started dating other people to see what else was out there, he just wasn't an option in my mind. The relationship before him though, I was a dumpee. It ended pretty bad, I did some pretty embarrassing things to try and get him to change his mind. Anyway, he initiated NC on me, and I pretty much figured I would NEVER hear from him again. I was wrong though, I can't remember the exact time but I want to say 10-12 months later he came back but I had already moved on. I am now a recent dumpee again and doing NC.
gator12 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I'm the same. Plenty of girls that are just friends. Apparently, all the guys who don't look at girls as sex objects are posting on LS, and the ones that do are married. haha. It's cuz we're nice guys, the funny thing about it is we'll get our hearts broken more than anyone else but when we get married it'll be real love and actually last. Whereas the guys who look at there wives as sex objects will be the 50% of divorced couples.
Floridaman Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) It's cuz we're nice guys, the funny thing about it is we'll get our hearts broken more than anyone else but when we get married it'll be real love and actually last. Whereas the guys who look at there wives as sex objects will be the 50% of divorced couples. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with being a "nice guy." I see plenty of threads here on LS about how guys who don't press their ladies for sex... well, they're just naive and the woman they're with will let their next guy nail them with the wildest sex they've ever had without feeling any conscious.... Somehow, those women respect the "bad guys" more than the gems that treated them nice all the while "friend zoning" the good guy.... Maybe some women are like that, but I'd like to think they are few and far between. When I read that kind of statement, even from a respected poster here on LS, I thought, "[b]Gee... Elizabeth told me she was trying to preserve her virginity for the guy she marries [/b](we hadn't discussed getting married). I respected that and wanted her love more than her vagina. She did let me express some sexual actions toward her (the caressing and OS and we were completely naked), so I know she cared a little sexually for me... I guess I should have tried to "just slip myself into her" during our "everything...but" sessions in my late 20s bec. she likely let her next guy do that...." Reading how "nice guys" like me were stupid didn't make me feel that great. and I've had a lot of depressing thoughts after my 30th HS reunion and approaching 50... I repeated some of that erroneous thinking to my wife and she said, "What?..." like I was talking about something from outer space. And she only let one other guy into her before me- and that was about 10 years before we dated after she got engaged. (We were in our 30s). So yes, that thinking isn't right. Edited January 24, 2011 by Floridaman
gator12 Posted January 25, 2011 Posted January 25, 2011 Sometimes that's just the way that women are, in the end the ones who are worth it won't put you through something like that.
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