Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 but I still know I did the right thing... Cliff Notes Version Of My Story: My ex-girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. She tried extremely hard to stay in my life after the breakup- staying in constant contact as if we never broke up, initiating almost all the contact, telling me we can be friends, etc. I had LC with her pretty much throughout the whole 2 months post-breakup, mostly texts. Last week I decided I just couldn't take the emotional torture of settling for being "friends" with someone I love. My mind finally told my heart to stop accepting these crumbs. I couldn't take the stringing along anymore. I gave her the "all or nothing for us, I love you too much, I can't settle for friendship" speech. Then I went NC. I ignored all her attempts to contact me, until I got this text... "I am sorry" We talked about it. She admitted she didn't know what she wanted from us, so she played "hide-and-seek games". I thought "I am sorry" was going to be her first step towards wanting to get back together. Instead, we fell right back into our one-sided "friendship". LC from her, only texts. The crumbs were warmer than they've ever been, but they were still crumbs. Where I'm At Now: The warmer the texts, the worse I felt. Every text was a temporary high, higher than ever. But the lows were seriously rock bottom. I literally reached my breaking point. I stopped trying to be nice while walking on eggshells around her. I had it. I told her I loved her, but that I won't settle for this one-sided "friendship" anymore. It hurts too much. That if we can't have all of each other, we can't have anything, and I need to move on. This time I truly meant it. She could tell. I sent that text in various ways, and here were her text responses each time: her: did you just give me a take it or leave it? me: *all or nothing, I love you too much, we can't be friends text* her: so it's more or nothing? me: *all or nothing, I love you too much, we can't be friends text* her: I don't know what to do. me: *all or nothing, I love you too much, we can't be friends text* her: you can't do that, it's kinda unfair don't you think. me: when you broke up with me, you let me go. it's unfair for you to ask me to stay in a one-sided friendship when you don't know what you want. i love you, but if you don't want all of me, i can't give you any of me. and i won't settle for half of you. i need to step away until you're ready to talk about a real 2nd chance for us. her: okay. So today will be Day 1 of NC. I feel sick knowing that "okay" text might be the last time I ever hear from her. It feels like we just broke up...because even though we broke up 2 months ago, by her always initiating contact, I knew she still needed me in her life. For whatever reason, she couldn't fully let me go. Each time she initiated contact I had hope...false hope, but my heart didn't care. Today I finally pushed back...and maybe pushed her away for good. But even if she ever wants to try a 2nd chance for us, it wasn't going to happen by me staying "friends" with her. For myself to heal, and for any chance of future reconciliation, I finally took the LS advice. I did the right thing. I gave the NC speech, and now I'm going total NC. Please LS, just give me some thoughts on my story and some reassurance that I made the right move, despite how horrible I feel at the moment.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Of course you did the right now. What else would you have done? Settle for being a back burner? She's selfish if she thought she can have her cake and eat it too. Really, she can be miserable by her herself without draggin you down with her.
WTRanger Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 You made the right move, and LS is proud of you for standing your ground. You are 100,000,000,000% correct when you told her than when she broke up with you, she lost the privilege to have you in her life. You feel bad because now the breakup is actually finalized. Now, the true healing process begins. You are supposed to feel bad at this point. Breakups blow. But now you can see the light.
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 thank you for the responses so far...it actually does make me feel a little better sometimes you still need to hear "you did the right thing", especially from objective people removed from the situation, such as here on LS, who aren't family, friends, etc. I made this thread to write out my feelings and help my healing process...but I also hope that someone who reads this, someone who is also going through an extreme "crumbs/lets stay friends" situation like I did, might find a little inspiration...to post their own story, to maybe lead them in the right direction, anything I accepted crumbs for 2 months, while I know others have done it for longer...you get so scared of pushing your ex away for good, but the pain of only having crumbs becomes unbearable the longer you let it go...your life almost starts totally revolving around that false hope...it hurts 5 minutes after you're done getting the crumbs, it hurts when you don't get the crumbs, and it hurts trying to overanalyze crumbs looking for hope this thread was a huge inspiration for me to finally do what I did... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258744/
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 You made the right move, and LS is proud of you for standing your ground. You are 100,000,000,000% correct when you told her than when she broke up with you, she lost the privilege to have you in her life. You feel bad because now the breakup is actually finalized. Now, the true healing process begins. You are supposed to feel bad at this point. Breakups blow. But now you can see the light. I hear you...just wanted to point out that this is what really bothers me...the finality of it. The "did I talk to xxxx for the last time ever today"?...but I can see the light. The only pain I can compare this to is the actual day we broke up...that's how strong it is. My heart is saying, "how could you put me through this again? another "breakup"? And YOU pushed for it this time? all you ever wanted was to have her back, now YOU told HER you are going to walk away? you'll never stop feeling this hurt now"...but my mind knows better. I know I had no choice though...when I knew still she needed me in her life basically the whole time after the breakup, I felt like I was so close to having her back completely. "If I just stick around and if I'm there for her, eventually she'll come around". But the dumper needs to come to that decision on their own, there really is nothing us dumpees can do. Actually, nothing is what we all need to do.
Country_Girl Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 You did the right thing. As a female dumper in the past, any Ex I stayed friends with, I never considered reconciling with. That's because the romantic feelings drifted away, and I could only see them as a friend. If you stay friends (one-sided, you always wanting more) she will be able to rely on you for emotional needs as she pursues other relationships. It was in your best interest to cut contact. After all, how can she miss you if you are an ever present part of her life? She won't, because she will know you are there waiting in the wings. And if she keeps contacting, throwing crumbs, you are going to feed of each and every word. Your mind will convince you she wants to get back together, even if she hasn't said it. Continue with NC, wait to here those words. But don't count on them, it may never happen. And if it does, at that point you will most likely have moved on and don't want her back.
spiderowl Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 You did what you needed to do for you. You know you won't get over this until she's out of contact and that's why you had to do this. She might not understand and wants to remain in touch but she is going to have to accept this. I guess she's never been dumped herself so has no idea how much it hurts (I was like her once). You are justified in being selfish in this. You need to be. I know what you mean about it possibly being the final contact and how momentous that seems. You never know, one day you may be able to be friends again, if you want this after you have got through this awful stage. Truth is we don't know what will happen or if we'll see the person again but it's necessary for you at the moment. I don't think that cutting someone off who has broken up with you will force them to decide what they want (e.g. to fall back in love with you). It might If you harbour ideas that she might change her mind, then no contact will seem a bad idea, as if you're not giving her chance to. Even if she did come back for a while, this could happen all over again as she's confused. Until she's absolutely definite about what she wants, you are best out of it.
Trovador Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 My experience is very similar to yours but as my ex and I are coworkers it's been impossible to keep NC; anyway, she always contacts me again. Truth is, she can't let me go because if she could, she would have done it long ago... as a matter of fact, she had tried but she always come back, to the point that I've decided not to bother anymore... You see, I tried everything... an amicable separation, fighting, being friends, pulling away, indifference, you name it and so far nothing has worked out... it's like she is in love with me (maybe she is) except that she insist on being friends. Actually, we got back together for a while but it was weird so we broke up again, for a few days... but unlike you, I haven't insisted in getting back, I have accepted the b/u and I've tried to move on but she doesn't let me... What I intend to tell you is that somehow I am used to this odd arrangement but I wouldn't recommend being friends with an ex to anyone, so I advice you to be strong and maintain NC...
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 You did the right thing. As a female dumper in the past, any Ex I stayed friends with, I never considered reconciling with. That's because the romantic feelings drifted away, and I could only see them as a friend. If you stay friends (one-sided, you always wanting more) she will be able to rely on you for emotional needs as she pursues other relationships. It was in your best interest to cut contact. After all, how can she miss you if you are an ever present part of her life? She won't, because she will know you are there waiting in the wings. And if she keeps contacting, throwing crumbs, you are going to feed of each and every word. Your mind will convince you she wants to get back together, even if she hasn't said it. Continue with NC, wait to here those words. But don't count on them, it may never happen. And if it does, at that point you will most likely have moved on and don't want her back. thank you, it's always great to hear a female perspective, totally agree with every word of your post just curious, you said as a female dumper, you never considered reconciling with an ex you stayed friends with...but as the dumper, have you ever considered, or actually got back together, with an ex who dropped out of your life? someone who basically went NC on you if you did, is it true what they say on LS...that you made your intentions 100% clear that you did want to get back together when you got in touch with him again?
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 You did what you needed to do for you. You know you won't get over this until she's out of contact and that's why you had to do this. She might not understand and wants to remain in touch but she is going to have to accept this. I guess she's never been dumped herself so has no idea how much it hurts (I was like her once). You are justified in being selfish in this. You need to be. I know what you mean about it possibly being the final contact and how momentous that seems. You never know, one day you may be able to be friends again, if you want this after you have got through this awful stage. Truth is we don't know what will happen or if we'll see the person again but it's necessary for you at the moment. I don't think that cutting someone off who has broken up with you will force them to decide what they want (e.g. to fall back in love with you). It might If you harbour ideas that she might change her mind, then no contact will seem a bad idea, as if you're not giving her chance to. Even if she did come back for a while, this could happen all over again as she's confused. Until she's absolutely definite about what she wants, you are best out of it. you're right, as you can see by the texts, when I told her friendship is not an option/it's all or nothing for us, it's like she didn't understand... first she questioned it, then "she doesn't know what to do", then she says "you CAN'T do that, it's kinda unfair" it really was a shock to her system...it's hard to justify being selfish with someone you still love, but then I reminded myself how selfish she's been by doing this to me for the past 2 months...like you said it's necessary right now I told her I'll never tell her what to do or how to feel, so I wasn't really trying to force her to decide if she wants what I want (getting back together). She'll need to decide that without me. I just told her I had to be 100% honest about how I felt. No more holding back. I didn't stop loving her, so I can't settle for a friendship with someone I love. It hurts too much. That if she wants to talk about a 2nd chance, then yes, I'm here to talk (who knows if I will be if/when she's ready, but that's how I felt right now). If not, I need to step away from this one-sided friendship and move on with my life.
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) My experience is very similar to yours but as my ex and I are coworkers it's been impossible to keep NC; anyway, she always contacts me again. Truth is, she can't let me go because if she could, she would have done it long ago... as a matter of fact, she had tried but she always come back, to the point that I've decided not to bother anymore... You see, I tried everything... an amicable separation, fighting, being friends, pulling away, indifference, you name it and so far nothing has worked out... it's like she is in love with me (maybe she is) except that she insist on being friends. Actually, we got back together for a while but it was weird so we broke up again, for a few days... but unlike you, I haven't insisted in getting back, I have accepted the b/u and I've tried to move on but she doesn't let me... What I intend to tell you is that somehow I am used to this odd arrangement but I wouldn't recommend being friends with an ex to anyone, so I advice you to be strong and maintain NC... it's crazy man, I feel for you I think I'm so confused because I've never had this done to me before...almost every other breakup I've had, we've gone our separate ways, and if we we reconnected on any level, it was after a decent amount of time has passed when I got dumped by this girl, less than 2 weeks later I got the "lets start over, we will be friends" text...then, for almost 2 months straight after the breakup, she can't stop initiating contact with me...like your ex, if my ex really wanted to let me go, she could've done it a long time ago Edited January 22, 2011 by Skee
Trovador Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Well, I am expecting she will grow tired soon of this one sided friendship... or maybe not... Perhaps I am the one to blame most, because anytime she contacts me, I am unable to ignore her because, honestly, she doesn't deserve that and to be totally truthful, I like to talk to her, after all we all are only human beings...
Am4Real Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 The one-sided crumbs will continue until her new boyfriend rocks her world in the bedroom and life and, tells her she needs to stop texting the guy she has all the pitty for. Now Skee, reaking the above paragraph how does it make you feel? Hopefully angry because that my friend is pretty much what is going on. Good luck. Stay the course and best wishes in your healing. Am4Real
0hpenelope Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Funny how the way things work... when you're at your lowest, it's either you stay there or you go up. There's only one direction to go if you decide to move. Up, up, up. I struggled with the finality of what I said, too. I told my ex "I want you back. I don't care where or how or when. I don't want to be friends with you. If you change your mind about working things out, call me. Otherwise, this is it. I don't want to talk to you just so I can be friends-zoned." I do not count the days since I last spoke with him. I do know that each day makes me feel better. I'm adjusting to the knowledge that I will never see or speak to him again (I just served the guy a freaking ultimatum, you know?! Who would want to come back after that?) and I know I'll be okay. That's the most important part for me. I will be okay. You will be okay, too. Keep posting on LS, stay close to your friends and the people who love you. Never stop moving forward. You took the first step towards healing and you will be so proud of yourself for being strong.
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 The one-sided crumbs will continue until her new boyfriend rocks her world in the bedroom and life and, tells her she needs to stop texting the guy she has all the pitty for. Now Skee, reaking the above paragraph how does it make you feel? Hopefully angry because that my friend is pretty much what is going on. Good luck. Stay the course and best wishes in your healing. Am4Real thank you I think it would be easier to deal with...or at least understand...if she did have a new guy in her life. But she's been single since we've broke up. We're in too many of the same circles for me not to have at least heard about it. Plus there's no way any new boyfriend would be ok with the amount of contact she had, and initiated, with me. But I get what you're saying- once there is a new guy that "rocks her world", our friendship that seemed so important to her would definitely be over. She's always been a "relationship girl", so I'm guessing she broke up with me for whatever her real reasons were, and then as everyone has said, used me for the emotional comfort of still having someone to fulfill those needs.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 but I still know I did the right thing... Cliff Notes Version Of My Story: My ex-girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. She tried extremely hard to stay in my life after the breakup- staying in constant contact as if we never broke up, initiating almost all the contact, telling me we can be friends, etc. I had LC with her pretty much throughout the whole 2 months post-breakup, mostly texts. Last week I decided I just couldn't take the emotional torture of settling for being "friends" with someone I love. My mind finally told my heart to stop accepting these crumbs. I couldn't take the stringing along anymore. I gave her the "all or nothing for us, I love you too much, I can't settle for friendship" speech. Then I went NC. I ignored all her attempts to contact me, until I got this text... "I am sorry" We talked about it. She admitted she didn't know what she wanted from us, so she played "hide-and-seek games". I thought "I am sorry" was going to be her first step towards wanting to get back together. Instead, we fell right back into our one-sided "friendship". LC from her, only texts. The crumbs were warmer than they've ever been, but they were still crumbs. Where I'm At Now: The warmer the texts, the worse I felt. Every text was a temporary high, higher than ever. But the lows were seriously rock bottom. I literally reached my breaking point. I stopped trying to be nice while walking on eggshells around her. I had it. I told her I loved her, but that I won't settle for this one-sided "friendship" anymore. It hurts too much. That if we can't have all of each other, we can't have anything, and I need to move on. This time I truly meant it. She could tell. I sent that text in various ways, and here were her text responses each time: her: did you just give me a take it or leave it? me: *all or nothing, I love you too much, we can't be friends text* her: so it's more or nothing? me: *all or nothing, I love you too much, we can't be friends text* her: I don't know what to do. me: *all or nothing, I love you too much, we can't be friends text* her: you can't do that, it's kinda unfair don't you think. me: when you broke up with me, you let me go. it's unfair for you to ask me to stay in a one-sided friendship when you don't know what you want. i love you, but if you don't want all of me, i can't give you any of me. and i won't settle for half of you. i need to step away until you're ready to talk about a real 2nd chance for us. her: okay. So today will be Day 1 of NC. I feel sick knowing that "okay" text might be the last time I ever hear from her. It feels like we just broke up...because even though we broke up 2 months ago, by her always initiating contact, I knew she still needed me in her life. For whatever reason, she couldn't fully let me go. Each time she initiated contact I had hope...false hope, but my heart didn't care. Today I finally pushed back...and maybe pushed her away for good. But even if she ever wants to try a 2nd chance for us, it wasn't going to happen by me staying "friends" with her. For myself to heal, and for any chance of future reconciliation, I finally took the LS advice. I did the right thing. I gave the NC speech, and now I'm going total NC. Please LS, just give me some thoughts on my story and some reassurance that I made the right move, despite how horrible I feel at the moment. Further evidence to assure that men have no interest in doing the "friends only" thing with women whom they really don't want to bang. (*** except in cases of coworkers or others basically made to coexist in the same space)
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Funny how the way things work... when you're at your lowest, it's either you stay there or you go up. There's only one direction to go if you decide to move. Up, up, up. I struggled with the finality of what I said, too. I told my ex "I want you back. I don't care where or how or when. I don't want to be friends with you. If you change your mind about working things out, call me. Otherwise, this is it. I don't want to talk to you just so I can be friends-zoned." I do not count the days since I last spoke with him. I do know that each day makes me feel better. I'm adjusting to the knowledge that I will never see or speak to him again (I just served the guy a freaking ultimatum, you know?! Who would want to come back after that?) and I know I'll be okay. That's the most important part for me. I will be okay. You will be okay, too. Keep posting on LS, stay close to your friends and the people who love you. Never stop moving forward. You took the first step towards healing and you will be so proud of yourself for being strong. great post, thank you it's weird how the mind works...sometimes you almost don't want to leave your lowest, cause when I felt myself getting better at times (especially when I did NC for a little bit) I felt like "well if I'm starting to get over her and move on, that must mean she's definitely over me too, and that's not what I want"...it's irrational, but it happens quick question: you pretty much gave your ex the same "all or nothing" speech I did, you sounded like you truly wanted him back, and you gave him an ultimatum...but then you said "who would want to come back after an ultimatum?"...so did you really want him back when you gave the ultimatum? or was that just your way of making NC stick for yourself so he wouldn't contract you?
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Further evidence to assure that men have no interest in doing the "friends only" thing with women whom they really don't want to bang. (*** except in cases of coworkers or others basically made to coexist in the same space) "women whom they don't really want to bang" vs. ex-girlfriends...it's apples and oranges besides, this wouldn't even be a true friendship...you would do anything for your good friends and vice-versa...it's all one-sided for her- her wants, her needs I can't be friends with my ex because of the feelings involved, I still love her and will always be left wanting more...not because of anything else
0hpenelope Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) great post, thank you it's weird how the mind works...sometimes you almost don't want to leave your lowest, cause when I felt myself getting better at times (especially when I did NC for a little bit) I felt like "well if I'm starting to get over her and move on, that must mean she's definitely over me too, and that's not what I want"...it's irrational, but it happens When I start thinking those thoughts, I kind of let my pride take over. "I'm starting to get over him. He's WAY over me at this point, way past caring. How do these people get over sh#! so fast?! I'll do my own thing and figure it out because if he can let me go, I will let him go too!" quick question: you pretty much gave your ex the same "all or nothing" speech I did, you sounded like you truly wanted him back, and you gave him an ultimatum...but then you said "who would want to come back after an ultimatum?"...so did you really want him back when you gave the ultimatum? or was that just your way of making NC stick for yourself so he wouldn't contract you? We did serve them the same speech. Skee, I still want my ex back even when I gave him the ultimatum. It's also my way of making NC stick for myself so that I will not go back on what I said. I am reminding myself of reasons to not dwell on hope by saying "Who would want to come back after an ultimatum?" I'm not waiting around for him. I want to move on so, so much and because I really want this for myself, I'm being really proactive about it. I'm already dating other guys and yes, I'm clear to them about being on a rebound status; they know this and they still want to stick around. They're good distractions for me and it's something I've never tried before; I tend to just dwell on break-ups and I decided to change that with this break-up. I don't care to know when he starts dating other girls because it will hurt me so much and I don't want him to hear about it (mutual friends and all). Missing him makes me feel sick and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I love him and more importantly, I love me. I have control over me, not him. If he doesn't call, I know he still doesn't want me and I will keep moving on. If he calls... ...Well, he's not going to call. It's just easier to let go the more I get used to thinking that way. Hope is a good thing, but it doesn't do well to dwell on that hope. Keep moving, we just have to keep moving. Learn our lessons, improve ourselves, and keep moving. Edited January 22, 2011 by 0hpenelope
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 What you should have done was gone NC from day 1. When she offered to remain friends you should have just nodded your head, agreed with it, smiled & left & then disappeared. She will just look at it as a weakness on your part that you told her you can't remain friends. Of course you're not going to remain friends but you aren't going to tell her that. Just disappear & don't return her calls or texts. You're not in a position to give her all or nothing ultimatiums because at this point she doesn't care. She has all the power in the relationship. The only way to strip her of that power is to go no contact as soon as possible without telling her. Make her think that the FBI hid you away in a far away state in a witness protection program. If she didn't care about my "all or nothing/we can't be friends" ultimatum at all, I don't think she would've reacted the way she did: "I don't know what to do." "You can't do that, it's kinda unfair don't you think" I'm just saying it had some effect. Now me telling her I can't be friends might seem weak to you, but it's not weaker than actually staying friends like I was doing. I had to put an end to it. I know I should've went NC from Day 1 though. After 2 months of her initiating contact, trying to stay in my life as friends, could I have just not said anything and totally disappeared instead? I guess...but I've read in a million different places, if your ex wants to be friends, your best bet is to tell them you're refusing the friendship, you want all or nothing, then go NC unless they come back with what you want to hear.
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 When I start thinking those thoughts, I kind of let my pride take over. "I'm starting to get over him. He's WAY over me at this point, way past caring. How do these people get over sh#! so fast?! I'll do my own thing and figure it out because if he can let me go, I will let him go too!" We did serve them the same speech. Skee, I still want my ex back even when I gave him the ultimatum. It's also my way of making NC stick for myself so that I will not go back on what I said. I am reminding myself of reasons to not dwell on hope by saying "Who would want to come back after an ultimatum?" I'm not waiting around for him. I want to move on so, so much and because I really want this for myself, I'm being really proactive about it. I'm already dating other guys and yes, I'm clear to them about being on a rebound status; they know this and they still want to stick around. They're good distractions for me and it's something I've never tried before; I tend to just dwell on break-ups and I decided to change that with this break-up. I don't care to know when he starts dating other girls because it will hurt me so much and I don't want him to hear about it (mutual friends and all). Missing him makes me feel sick and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I love him and more importantly, I love me. I have control over me, not him. If he doesn't call, I know he still doesn't want me and I will keep moving on. If he calls... ...Well, he's not going to call. It's just easier to let go the more I get used to thinking that way. Hope is a good thing, but it doesn't do well to dwell on that hope. Keep moving, we just have to keep moving. Learn our lessons, improve ourselves, and keep moving. This post and others are the exact kinds of posts I was looking for when I made this thread...thank you so much. It's funny how much of your situation mirrors my situation, there's so much I can relate to. We've all been through breakups, but nothing feels as painful as the kind of breakup that leads you to LS. Friends and family help get you through it, but at times you still feel so alone, like they can never truly understand. It's comforting to know that there are people out there who know exactly how you feel, have been through it, and are making their own progress to heal and move on.
heartshaped Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I will offer you my prospective since I was on the opposite side of a similar situation. When I first met my current boyfriend, I wasn't looking to date anyone. I have some things in my past that make me very weary of relationships, men, commitment, etc. I'm fine as long as things aren't too good and we aren't too happy, but when that happens I usually make myself scarce for some little reason or other that doesn't make sense to me or the other person. So when I met my boyfriend I was clearly looking for someone to talk to and in the beginning that's all it was. Slowly, feelings developed on both sides, but I still wanted very much for us to just remain 'friends'. Finally, he gave me the ultimatum that either we were going to be together or nothing because he couldn't just be my friend. This scared the daylights out of me because I didn't want to lose him, but I didn't want to be in a relationship either because of my issues/fears. I tried over and over to talk to him into just being friends with me, but he remained adamant that it was either all or nothing and gave me a time frame in which I had to decide. Obviously, when it came down to it the thought of loosing him outweighed my fears and now we've been together for almost two years and are planning to get married in the near future. I still have days where I'm afraid of the pain that will come when he leaves me so I'd rather leave him first, but my love outweighs my [irrational] fears. It sounds to me that your ex cares a great deal about you and is only afraid of being committed to you. I think you did the right thing giving her an ultimatum and she has to be the one that decides whether or not you are worth it.
Jonno_S Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 For sure you did the right thing and also how you did it. It hurts now but things will ease. If you didn't take this step you'd be stuck in that tortuous cycle forever. Not worth it. Well done man.
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 heartshaped: Thank you for sharing your "ultimatum" story and how it turned out for you, it truly is an inspiration...quick questions- how long of a timeframe did he give you to decide? and how long after the ultimatum did it take before you decided you wanted to be with him? You're so right, I know that my ex still cares about me a great deal and might be afraid of being committed to me again because of her own emotional issues. Which is why she's tried to keep me in her life, at a distance, for the whole 2 months post-breakup. Here's a text she sent me a few days before I finally gave her the "all or nothing" speech: "I have always had such a hard life. Things always go wrong, it's not possible for me to get something good. School is impossible, especially with the amounts of stress, so I just run so nobody else has to deal with it. It's so hard. I am still running away, playing hide-and-seek games with you" She told me about some of her emotional/relationship/family issues while we were together, and I know that was the reason for the breakup more than anything I did. I was never happier in a relationship in my life, and she would always tell me the same. I had to put her to this decision, 2 months of being "friends" with someone I love and want to give my all to just became unbearable to me. She has to face missing me, and possibly losing me forever, before she'll know and commit to what she really wants.
Author Skee Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 For sure you did the right thing and also how you did it. It hurts now but things will ease. If you didn't take this step you'd be stuck in that tortuous cycle forever. Not worth it. Well done man. Thanks man. It's crazy, when you're stuck in the "friends/crumbs" cycle like I was, you see it, but you just don't care...this is how I thought... "Yeah we're friends, and everyone says don't be friends if you want your ex back, but she's the one who initiates all the contact with me. People in NC have exes that don't care about them, exes that have moved on. They have no hope, at least I have hope. She definitely still cares about me and needs me in her life. She's unsure of what she wants now, but when she finally realizes she wants us to have a relationship again, I'll be there." Obviously I was wrong...I got the validation of knowing that even after she dumped me she still needs me in her life on some level, but everything else was hollow emotional torture.
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