prettybaby Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Question: would it be acceptable to avoid some members of your significant other's family? Obviously, there are certain things such as weddings, funerals, etc that can't be avoided. But what are your thoughts on Summer BBQs and more casual stuff that aren't really necessary so to speak? I love my s/o's family except for his brother+wife+kids, who have proven to be absolutely awful. And although I have put my best foot forward for several years now, I have to come to the sad conclusion that it will never improve. I spoke to my mom about this, and she said she forced herself to go every single time her aunt (who she could never get along with) would be present, for over 20 years. Because "it's family". And she said "you know what? Looking back on it now, it wasn't worth it and I wouldn't do it again." So this made me wonder, as I was initially determined to keep going for 50 years if I have to. But quite frankly, the perspective of having to go through those hellish dinners/gatherings for the rest of my life makes me sick to my stomach. Every time I go, I come back home feeling like crap and wondering why I even bothered since it's not my family anyway. Now I'm tempted to only go when his brother & co won't be present, and start making up excuses and not go each time they will be present. What do you guys think? I'd like to hear some pros and cons.
Jazzari Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 The only reason I would go, is if my SO needed and wanted me there. Alot. Otherwise, hell no. I'd discuss the situation with him and see what he thinks.
Author prettybaby Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I'd discuss the situation with him and see what he thinks. I definitely plan on doing that, but only if and when I decide that this is definitely what I want to do. Right now I'm still kinda trying to figure it out myself.
Author prettybaby Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 I don't think that really matters, but if you want to know: The kids are an absolute nightmare. They're extremely rude and physically + mentally overwhelming and their parents never correct them. The wife/mother never carries a normal conversation with me. All she does is flood me with questions, with the sole purpose of gossiping behind my back afterwards. So as a result, I'm walking on eggs and watching every word I say whenever she's there. It's impossible to relax and have a normal conversation with anyone whenever they're around with their 2 kids. And I honestly don't enjoy a second of it as soon as they show up. Last time I came back home feeling like utter crap and had to take an aspirin + melatonin to help me sleep ... which has become a habit every time I see those people. I guess I just can't see the point in it anymore. I understand that certain events require the whole family to be present, and that's fine of course. But when it comes to more casual stuff like BBQs for example, I'm just starting to wonder why bother?
january2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 If you really have your SO's support to the extent that he will back you up and stand up to his family if they criticise you, then I say go for it. Otherwise, in my experience, it will drive a wedge between the two of you.
Author prettybaby Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Otherwise, in my experience, it will drive a wedge between the two of you. That's pretty much the only reason why I'm hesitating at the moment. I know for sure he'll tell me I don't have to go if I don't want to, but then the thought of him going alone kinda bugs me, because I know he'll miss me there. And, I don't know, I guess it may be weird for him. I don't think anyone will criticize me. They're all very non-confrontational in that family, which is another thing that drives me crazy. There are clearly issues and no one ever addresses them (like the kids not behaving for example). I would gladly do it, but it's not my place to do so. So that doesn't leave many options for me: either go and put up with it, or stay out of it.
denise_xo Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 If you really have your SO's support to the extent that he will back you up and stand up to his family if they criticise you, then I say go for it. Otherwise, in my experience, it will drive a wedge between the two of you. This. Discuss it with him and take it from there.
Author prettybaby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks. I'll wait for the next invitation to bring it up if I still feel iffy about it by then.
phineas Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 If you don't show, they will still use it against you. You really can't win in this situation. Even if your SO tells them to back off they will still point the finger at you. It sucks, it really does. you are dealing with drama queens that just don't fricken get it. My Mom & sister are the nosiest people I know. They tended to just show up at my house when I had my then GF & now Ex-wife over. I had to tell them to cut it out. They blamed her regardless of what I said. Blah,blah,blah she doesn't want us around. No, I just don't like my mom & sister just knocking on my front door while i'm on the couch knocking boots. My advice is to drink until things are just slightly fuzzy & their voices become background noise. LOL!
Author prettybaby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I don't think they'll be angry about me not being there though, that's why I'm so tempted to skip casual gathering from now on. At worst, his sister-in-law (his brother's wife) will gossip behind our back about how our relationship may be in trouble because he showed up alone without me. But that doesn't really affect us.
allina Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I know you've posted several times about disliking the brother's little girl. She is the one that often wedges herself between you and your bf, the one who commented on your bf's ex-fiance, correct? I understand that this child is very needy, especially around your bf, but I don't think you should let a 4 year old make you stop showing up to family functions. If someone was disrespecting you I could understand you not wanting to go. But each time you post about disliking these get togethers it's centered around your bf's little niece. I think this will put a wedge between you and him, especially since he's so close to his family.
threebyfate Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Prettybaby, this is the child who's mother is the identical twin of your b/f's ex-fiancee, right? If so, there's more going on than meets the eye. You've had a lot of advice about how to address the issue of the child. Whether or not you took the advice, only you know. There's nothing to stop you from being direct with the mother and trying to work this out. On the otherhand, do you know for fact that the twin is gossiping and who she's doing this with? Are you concerned that she's discussing your relationship with her sister? What exactly will make you feel secure in this relationship? You don't need to respond to me. You need to ask yourself these questions and then, work your way through them.
Kamille Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Yay! Hurray! Every single thread I've seen you post on here were about your frustration's with your SO's family, so I'm glad you're brainstorming ways to at least start a path towards some form of acceptance of the situation. If limiting your exposure to them will help, then please try it out. The ideal situation is that you learn somehow to accept them as they are - and not let their antics get to you. Perhaps stepping back for an undetermined amount of time will get you there. But I have to agree that this is definitely a topic to be discussed with your SO first. Thanks. I'll wait for the next invitation to bring it up if I still feel iffy about it by then. IME, the best time to speak about a tough complicated topic is precisely when it is not at issue. In other words, wouldn't it be better to discuss it now, before the next invite? That way the details of the next invite won't steep into your conversation and stir you away from what's at issue.
Author prettybaby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 I know you've posted several times about disliking the brother's little girl. She is the one that often wedges herself between you and your bf, the one who commented on your bf's ex-fiance, correct? I understand that this child is very needy, especially around your bf, but I don't think you should let a 4 year old make you stop showing up to family functions. If someone was disrespecting you I could understand you not wanting to go. But each time you post about disliking these get togethers it's centered around your bf's little niece. I think this will put a wedge between you and him, especially since he's so close to his family. She's not 4. She's almost 7 now. It's been an issue from the start and it's getting a lot worse each time we see them. Because as she ages, she's becoming more articulate and has started formulating bolder and meaner comments. I have also noticed from our recent gatherings that her behavior is prompted by her mother who seems to thoroughly enjoy the headaches her daughter is causing. Not only that, but I've learned that she's been gossiping about us nonstop for years now. Which the children have started slipping in conversations. Always nice to hear, I must say. His brother isn't muh better, as our recent gatherings have shown. I haven't posted on this forum about every single thing that happened. My behavior has been extremely calm and patient through everything, and my boyfriend knows and agrees with this. And he has apologized more than once without me even saying anything. He knows how bad it gets, he's not blind. And he knows it's not my fault. His mother also apologized to me once after a particularly bad dinner. So clearly, everybody sees what's happening. I'm in no position to make a scene, so if no one tells them to behave, then I either go and let it all hit me, or I don't go at all. Both choices suck, but what can I do?
Author prettybaby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 There's nothing to stop you from being direct with the mother and trying to work this out. Honestly, I seriously considered doing that at some point. I mean, she seemed nice and understanding at first. So I thought why not have a chat with her and just talk heart to heart. But then as months passed, I got to know her better, and it turned out she's not nice at all. She's quite a hypocrite, and not only can she not keep anybody's secrets, she also twists everything people say to make herself sound like a victim. So I realized that talking to her about this was no option, as this would lead to some terrible gossip about me. On the otherhand, do you know for fact that the twin is gossiping and who she's doing this with? Are you concerned that she's discussing your relationship with her sister? Yes I do. And I know for a fact she's discussing our relationship with her sister. What exactly will make you feel secure in this relationship? I'm not insecure about our relationship at all. In fact, it's a very solid one. What I'm talking about whether or not I should bother interacting with people who cause nothing but headaches.
oaks Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 So I realized that talking to her about this was no option, as this would lead to some terrible gossip about me. Who is she going to gossip to and does it matter?
Author prettybaby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Yay! Hurray! Every single thread I've seen you post on here were about your frustration's with your SO's family, so I'm glad you're brainstorming ways to at least start a path towards some form of acceptance of the situation. If limiting your exposure to them will help, then please try it out. The ideal situation is that you learn somehow to accept them as they are - and not let their antics get to you. Perhaps stepping back for an undetermined amount of time will get you there. But I have to agree that this is definitely a topic to be discussed with your SO first. IME, the best time to speak about a tough complicated topic is precisely when it is not at issue. In other words, wouldn't it be better to discuss it now, before the next invite? That way the details of the next invite won't steep into your conversation and stir you away from what's at issue. Hmm. Maybe. You know, a lot of people here think I'm this horrible person who doesn't like a child and is jealous about an ex. Truth is, I really liked this little girl at first, but she got meaner and meaner with me, and now I've come to the point where just don't want to put myself in those situations anymore. I've been kind to her for over 2 years now, I've been nothing but patient and have not said a word every time something bad was thrown my way. Now she's almost 7, and it's only gotten worse. Not only that, but it turns out her mother is pushing her to do and say certain things. Not sure which is worse. I got over the ex thing fairly quickly. Took me a few months, but it's been cool for a long time now. I don't know why people still get all crazy about this one detail. It was only natural for me to be a little weirded out at first. The one issue that's been there from the start and has only gotten worse is his brother's family and how impossible they are to get along with. I'm not one to make a scene, and it's not my place to do so anyway. I never corrected the children, and although I was starting to think I that maybe I should, I realize now that it's not an option as this will only make the mother gossip about me. And before you know it, all the people she interacts with (which includes a lot of my boyfriend's parent's friends and neighbors) will think I'm a child hater So no thank you. I'm just gonna sit my little butt down and keep it quiet whenever I have no choice but to be around them.
Kamille Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I'm in no position to make a scene, so if no one tells them to behave, then I either go and let it all hit me, or I don't go at all. Both choices suck, but what can I do? There are ways to be assertive without making scenes. You do have a third choice here. Calmly speaking up to your sister-in-law about what you feel is at issue and being open to her reaction.
Author prettybaby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Who is she going to gossip to and does it matter? She talks to everyone and their mother. She knows my boyfriend's parents friends, neighbors, even shop owners in my own neighborhood. It happened more than once that she started talking about someone and it turned out I know them too, except not as closely as she does. So yeah, it matters to me.
Kamille Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Honestly, I seriously considered doing that at some point. I mean, she seemed nice and understanding at first. So I thought why not have a chat with her and just talk heart to heart. But then as months passed, I got to know her better, and it turned out she's not nice at all. She's quite a hypocrite, and not only can she not keep anybody's secrets, she also twists everything people say to make herself sound like a victim. If this is part of her modus operandi, than I bet most people know this about her. It therefore doesn't make sense for you to "keep quiet" just so as to avoid being the target of gossip. Do you take what she says seriously? Probably not. So why would everyone surrounding her? Yes I do. And I know for a fact she's discussing our relationship with her sister. So what? Her sister is out of the picture so to speak. Who cares if your SIL gossips with her?
Author prettybaby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 There are ways to be assertive without making scenes. You do have a third choice here. Calmly speaking up to your sister-in-law about what you feel is at issue and being open to her reaction. I can't really do that. I've come to know her and she can't be trusted with anything. Not even addressing this type of issue. She'll just smile and be like "oh, I'm sorry. Don't worry I'll take care of it for you :)" And then next thing you know, everyone within a 5 mile radius will have heard about me "causing a scene", or "not liking children", or "being angry about her little girl", or God knows what. Doesn't matter if I'm nice and calm about it. She blows a lot out of proportions and tends to twist the truth.
Author prettybaby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 If this is part of her modus operandi, than I bet most people know this about her. It therefore doesn't make sense for you to "keep quiet" just so as to avoid being the target of gossip. Do you take what she says seriously? Probably not. So why would everyone surrounding her? I'm sure part of the younger crowd she knows isn't blind, but you'd be amazed how naive old people can be. Add to the fact that she's been around for about 15 years, while I just came into the picture 2.5 years ago, and guess who they'll trust more ... So what? Her sister is out of the picture so to speak. Who cares if your SIL gossips with her? It bugs me a little, but not to the point of really stressing about it. I think it would be easier for me to forget about this and not care if I didn't have to hear about it so often. But it gets shoved in my face every single time, and in such an agressive way too. It doesn't feel particularly nice. Most people would feel this way if they were in my shoes.
Kamille Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I can't really do that. I've come to know her and she can't be trusted with anything. Not even addressing this type of issue. She'll just smile and be like "oh, I'm sorry. Don't worry I'll take care of it for you :)" And then next thing you know, everyone within a 5 mile radius will have heard about me "causing a scene", or "not liking children", or "being angry about her little girl", or God knows what. Doesn't matter if I'm nice and calm about it. She blows a lot out of proportions and tends to twist the truth. So what? From the sound of it you are already the target of gossip. Like I said, are you sure she has so much credibility in your networks that it would make your life a living hell if you tried to brainstorm mutual solutions to some of the issues you have brought up? And are you really totally absolutely so blameless in all this if you aren't even willing to try and communicate? Not to mention... How are you finding out that she's talking behind your back? I'm asking because... Experience with gossiping tells me the only way you're finding this out is because you're also gossiping behind her back (minimally to your SO). Rarely do I find out what people are saying behind my back. Even when people drop hints that someone is talking behind my back, I choose not to engage. From the sounds of it, you are engaging in these conversations. Maybe you're both frustrated and angry with each other but just both unwilling to reach out. Of course, it isn't your prerogative to get along, but my therapist would have me working on taking responsibility for not being assertive and not taking responsibility for the situation.
Author prettybaby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 So what? From the sound of it you are already the target of gossip. Like I said, are you sure she has so much credibility in your networks that it would make your life a living hell if you tried to brainstorm mutual solutions to some of the issues you have brought up? It wouldn't make my life a living hell. My life would be perfectly fine with our without the gossips. But it would surely make funerals, weddings, baptisms, etc awkward. So it makes sense for me to try and avoid that. And are you really totally absolutely so blameless in all this if you aren't even willing to try and communicate? I wanted to communicate a while ago. I was this close to doing it, until I found out what she's really like and how it would all turn sour if I actually did. Not to mention... How are you finding out that she's talking behind your back? Through kids in the family. Children can't keep their mouths shut about what they hear. I never even asked about any of the stuff I got to know recently, because I had no idea this was going on. I'm asking because... Experience with gossiping tells me the only way you're finding this out is because you're also gossiping behind her back (minimally to your SO). Rarely do I find out what people are saying behind my back. Even when people drop hints that someone is talking behind my back, I choose not to engage. From the sounds of it, you are engaging in these conversations. Uhm no. Believe it or not, I'm not the type to talk behind anyone's back. Which is why I enjoy this forum so much, because I can openly ask for advice about people (in this case: her & her family) without creating any gossip in real life. Maybe you're both frustrated and angry with each other but just both unwilling to reach out. Of course, it isn't your prerogative to get along, but my therapist would have me working on taking responsibility for not being assertive and not taking responsibility for the situation. Why would she be frustrated or angry with me? I've been friendly and polite from the start and never even looked at her the wrong way, not even when her kid started terrorizing me, and not even when other children loudly told the whole table about all the things she had said about me to her family. The way I wanted to handle this situation a while ago was to have an open talk with her, but like I said: it will backfire. I know this for a fact. So I'm not even gonna go there. The way I'm being proactive about this now is by maybe not going unless it's a formal event (still debating with myself).
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