Miss_G Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 My ex and I split up 4 months ago, have been off and on and now we are almost definately off. We have a house and a child. We were working on our relationship - he went quiet - I asked what is going on and to decide whether we're back together or not - he does not reply - I find out he's been sorting out legalities of the house (ie, paying me out) and am informed by his parents that he "never even contemplated getting back together". When I confronted ex he said it was true about the house but more for financial reasons if we were to sell, etc. And his parents didn't know how he felt and for a while he DID want to work things out. He never stated that he DIDN'T anymore but has said he 'doesn't think things will get better' and I have taken his behaviour to mean we're done. (You can read my old posts for more info) There was an incident at the start of the week (his dad aggressively manhandled my mum and attempted to throw her out of mine/ex's home...neither of us were in...again, read old posts for details). She went to the police, they cautioned him and that was that. However, I have my doubts about his family and they are without a doubt the main reason we split. They are over-powering, bossy and controlling. Now this has happened I am even more cautious of them being around him. I told ex he could still see our child but with me present until we find a way of him seeing him alone and his parents supervised by me. Ex said this was fine. We agreed to meet Saturday (tomorrow). Today ex started texting me complaining that it wasn't fair he couldn't have our child alone. He said I was implying he was a bad parent. I told him this wasn't the case and I was just giving peace of mind and taking back control of the situation and our child's wellbeing. He was very angry and irritable that I was insistant that we met together so he could see our child. I know his parents would just 'turn up' if my ex was to take him back to his home. We agreed to meet a play area tomorrow afternoon. The thing is I'm not all jittery and getting extremely worked up!! I'm dreading seeing him knowing that he is harbouring angry feelings towards me. Plus, I'm still madly in love with him and DESPERATE for us to reconcile. He has a fixation about the fact that "I finished with him" even though it was just an arguement that got out of control and I tried to make it up within hours. (I can be a bit OTT when the mood takes me!) What do I do tomorrow? I was thinking of sitting on my own with a coffee and book and let them get on with it. If ex talks to me let him. I won't make conversation. I've told him this is his time with our son. It is going to KILL me to just have him ignore me and I'm afraid I'll break down in tears in the middle of the play centre. Can someone offer me advice on what is the best way to handle this situation. I've been crying at the thought of it all night
D78 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Miss_G, It sounds like tomorrow will be challenging. I've read your previous posts, and from what I remember, your ex didn't actually do anything scary or physical. It was his father. Since your ex didn't do anything to make you afraid of him being with your child, why can't you just drop off your child at the play center and come back when the time is over? Your ex would probably appreciate you showing him that you trust him, as he has already complained about what he perceives to be your lack of trust. You are both parents, and as long as he hasn't done anything to make you afraid for your child's safety, you shouldn't need to supervise his visits. If you're heartbroken, you need to do your best to avoid him. If you stay at the play center while your ex plays with your child, you're just going to end up staring at him and then going crazy. You might do something stupid (no offense - break ups make everyone do stupid things or at least think about it), which will further harm your relationship. So my advice would be to drop your child off to spend some quality time with dad, saving yourself the potential blow up and showing your ex that you trust him. Good luck.
Author Miss_G Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Thanks for the advice. Its very helpful. The reason I won't leave him is because I know ex's parents would turn up, even if ex asked them not to. They are those kind of people. They are not good for my relationship with my child, not particularly him. They are manipulative and I have seen them almost turn their granddaughter against her mother. She believes that her grandparents think more of her so she begs her mum to let her go round ALL the time. Perfect for grandparents, sole destroying for mum!! But I appreciate what you say so I'm going to leave them alone for half an hour or so (they have a 2 hour limit at the centre anyway!) and nip to the shops. This will hppefully not be lonmg enough for his parents to arrive but show some trust in the ex. What do you think?
GoingInsane Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I think that's a good idea Miss G. Just be prepared for feeling very upset when you see him but try not to show it. You don't want your son to pick up any problems either. Good luck
brneyedgrl Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) I agree with GoingInsane, keep your head up! Edited January 23, 2011 by brneyedgrl
Author Miss_G Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 Well I met with him yesterday. At first it was awkward and uncomfortable. He was giving me the cold shoulder and going off with our son. I didn't take it personally as I realised this wasn't an ideal set up for him. Things mellowed slightly and we ended up talking friendly and having a joke and a laugh. When I suggested the shops he asked if he could come too so he could walk around with the baby and I could go off on my own. I agreed and off he went for an hour or so. This gave him time alone with the baby and time for me to have a good look around with a big hefty pram...everybody happy! Then, when I asked if he was ready to go home, he asked if I'd like to go and get some dinner. He wasn't eating as he's on a strict diet (he's an athlete) and he was picking a sandwich up from a shop later that evening. He suggested we get me something to eat as I hadn't eaten that day. We went to a pub together and spent a good couple of hours chatting and having a laugh. I tried to bring up the situation to sort out him seeing our child but he said he was having a nice day and would rather I rang him the following evening for a 'chat'. We did, however, get spotted by his brother (my biggest fan...not!) And ex was bombarded with calls from his bro and dad. He did admit to his bro he was with me, he's never told his family when we've been out before so for them to know were hanging out is a big deal. I started to get ready to go home when he suggested to go over to a retail park with the baby and go look in a pet store. He was killing time really til he could get his food from the same place but I suggested he go alone with the baby as I didn't want to intrude. He said he wanted me to come. We went, he got his food and we sat in my car. He took things slowly and kept telling me there was no rush as if he wanted to spend time. When eventually got home I text him saying it had been a nice day. He said hed enjoyed himself and thanks a lot. What the flippin heck does this mean? Does he want to stay friends? Should I in the hopes it will develop? If I was confused before now I just don't know!!!!
Author Miss_G Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 What are your thoughts on his behaviour yesterday? Good or bad? Its wrecking my head and I've been up and down all day!
GoingInsane Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I think you have to treat yesterday with caution. He obviously will miss you - the majority of people do when they've broken up - and he obviously enjoys spending time with you. You were together for a number of years and had a child together after all. But at the moment, I'd say that he is getting the emotional support and love/respect he needs from you but he doesn't want (or need) to get back with you romantically. Dumpers do this, mine did. They can spend time with us as friends because they don't want anything more than that. They have their egos boosted by us (we feed off any scraps they send our way) and they ease their guilt by being "nice" to us. But they don't think for one second about the effect it has on us. You're stressing, obsessing, trying to work out what it all meant. He won't be thinking of it at all. He'll just be pleased that he made you happy for the day (it eases his guilt), that he got to spend some time with you (eases his lonliness) and that you showed you still care about him (boosted his ego). I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think you should continue doing what you were doing and move on. If he genuinely wants to get back with you, he'll make it obvious, you won't need to try and interpret what the scraps mean. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I hope my words haven't hurt you too much. I only say them because I fed off scraps for 3 months - then found out my ex was seeing someone all that time (and while we were still together).
Author Miss_G Posted January 23, 2011 Author Posted January 23, 2011 He told me we would have a chat tonight and I asked him yesterday to tell me today what time would be best to ring. He hasn't contacted me. I just feel his parents have fed him lies last night and now he hates me. I just feel it is such a waste of a relationship when selfish people can manipulate someone so. I believe that he may have gone out with some friends tonight, plus on Sundays he enjoys watching his favourite sport on TV (we live in England so if he wants to watch American Football, tonight is the only night). I don't know what it is that is so important but clearly I no longer am. I am utterly heartbroken. I can't begin to describe how lonely I feel. I just desperately want him back and wish I never suggested the split in the first place (although my mum has said it would have come to this anyway). He says he still loves me but clearly does not. I never thought he would do this. I feel like he is a stranger to me. I don't know how I'm going to go on. I clung to every word he said yesterday and built my hopes up without realising it. Now I feel like an idiot. I just want to crawl into a hole...
gator12 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 You need to stay strong, and not talk to him for a while, unless of course it's about your son. If he has any emotional feelings towards you however he may be very cautious about them, I mean you're the one who initiated the break up. Any self respecting guy wouldn't beg someone back if they were the ones who were broken up with, I'd advise you to take it slow. Right now your child is very important ot him so he will remain in contact with you. I wouldn't hang on his every word, but if you think you'd like to give it another go, that could very well be possible at some point in the future. I mean you guys have a child for one thing and that means he really loved you at some point and that kind of feeling doesn't ever dissappear completely, he may say he doens't love you and that's true right now, but deep down inside he will always have some form of love fo ryou. If you want to pursue it by all means consider it. But it will take time, there's no way around it, you essentially have to woo him over again if you ever want another relationship with him.
Jdw_Icequeen Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 (edited) Chin up G!! First off its obvious he still cares about you he still wants to spend time with you. Thats an obvious sign.. But everyone is right. You really shouldn't focus on hoping for him to come back. I know thats a really hard thing to do. I can't even do it alot of times. My ex and I are down to emailing eachother and thats it. I am trying to do LC so I am getting our finacial stuff out of the way so the only thing we will have to talk about is our son and a payment he owes me every week. This making LC even less.. Which I know will be for the best. Ok so he didn't contact you.. That hurts I'm sure. You have to play it cool though. Don't put pressure on the situation.. You can ask why he didn't when you guys talk but I would just act like your a little curious and don't really care. The more you act like you don't care, the more you actually won't care, for one. For two, confidence is whats attractive. Just keep your confidence going work on yourself and do your best not to get your hopes up. But to just let the chips fall where they may. Like gator said, you have a child together you will have to stay in contact for that reason. You mention your out hanging out with friends and having a good time, thats great! Focus on you and your son. Try not to worry to much about things you can't change and work on what you can change! Edited January 24, 2011 by Jdw_Icequeen
Author Miss_G Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Thanks for the advice guys your comments have made me feel somewhat stronger! I am trying to focus hard on the positives of my life now and move forward with 'me'. It's hard and I know I will be up and down but I'm just 'riding the storm'. I shall keep you updated and thank you for the helpfulness! It really does help.
Author Miss_G Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 So ex finally contacted me today. He asked to have our son tomorrow. I said I was expecting a call from him at the weekend and I had now made arrangements. He said that was ok and he was sorry he was under the impression I was to ring him (I was but I had clearly asked him to text first). He said he was sorry and could he have our child at the weekend. I said that I would have to discuss my concerns with him at some point in the week and come to an arrangement. He said that was fine and again apologised for him 'forgetting'. I said not to worry (playing it cool as suggested) and he thanked me 'alot'. What do you think? Is he really just being clumsy or deliberately being 'off' because we were being close on Saturday? Again, why be so desperate to spend time together if he is completely 'over us'. Or do you think his family have fed him lies and 'put him off'?
Author Miss_G Posted January 29, 2011 Author Posted January 29, 2011 Ex told me he would contact me about sorting the baby's weekend visitation out. He left it until last night. I was quite mad! I was going to suggest we do something together with the baby so we could talk face to face. I didn't get chance because, instead of suggesting I ring like we planned, he suggested a 'supervised visitation', ie. going out somewhere together. I promptly told him he wasn't being 'supervised', we were just working on problems in terms of seeing the baby, etc. He said that he would be happy to go out at the weekend. He said he will contact me later to discuss arrangements. Is it a good thing that he wants to spend time with me? I always thought he would demand he go out with just our child as he wouldn't want to see me. Or is he using me for 'something to do' with the baby as he can't fall back on his parents now? Am I clutching at straws? Should I just be friendly and see how it goes?
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