robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Well, you are not her, are you?? Had my first love contacted me when I was in a bad marriage with my ex, that would have been a very big temptation, and I am strongly morally opposed to cheating on all levels. So if you can't relate, don't debate. My marriage is in trouble at the moment, I've had plenty of opportunity, it's not been a temptation and it's no damn excuse. So yes I can relate and I will debate. 1
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 But sometimes I think it's better to leave some 'freedom' in a relationship if you don't want to look like a complete control freak. Actually he totally disrespected you, what he did was totally innapropriate. He crossed a boundary, you looked like a doormat.
Author mbm69 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I understand the practical side of things. You will need to do what is best for yourself and your children. I just wanted you to know that this is no garden variety affair. I was pursued for eight months before I finally caved. It's real tough to deal with especially if there are problems in your relationship with your SO. There is also instant intimacy because this person is no stranger. That can really twist your head. In my case I was with my first love for four years when I was young and we were going to get married, but broke up instead. We went on to marry others. I never thought I would hear from him again in this lifetime. Take your time. Think things through. Trust me, this guy I am dealing with is PERSISTENT. He says he had tried to 'find' me over the years. My phone number is unlisted so he couldn't find me in the phone book. He went throught my professional association and they refused to give him my place of work or home phone number (with reason). And he has been very persistent... multiple emails daily. But I am gobbling the attention up, it is intoxicating. I lack this attention that I am not getting at home. And he is still very attractive... he has hardly changed in 20 years. He looks at least 10 years younger than he really is. I was telling him this exact thing that I felt this sense of immediately 'comfortable' with him. So I totally get the instant intimacy thing. I have to tell myself that he is probably going through the exact same thing and that the feelings that he has for me are based on 'brain chemistry' and have nothing to do with the person I am now.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I have to tell myself that he is probably going through the exact same thing Hmm it would be interesting to know how many other of his "ex's" he's been contacting..
aplomb Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Maybe you and your hubby are as bad and sad as each other. It's real easy to connect with an old flame through today's technology. If mbm69 and her husband are "bad and sad" then I guess my husband and I are too. I posted in another thread that both my husband and I were contacted by first loves in the same month. He was traveling through her state to visit a relative. She saw that on Facebook and made arrangements to meet him. They met, had a nice chat, and went their separate ways. No harm done. My situation turned out very differently. It can go either way. I don't think a public lashing is very helpful in a case like this. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I guess I deserve the public smackdown by the way. I already felt like a disgusting human being before, now I feel even worse. I dont mean to make you feel bad, was just giving you a reality check. It's good that you know it's wrong and hopefully that feeling will prevent you from doing what you need to do... Trust me, this guy I am dealing with is PERSISTENT. He says he had tried to 'find' me over the years. My phone number is unlisted so he couldn't find me in the phone book. He went throught my professional association and they refused to give him my place of work or home phone number (with reason). And he has been very persistent... multiple emails daily. But I am gobbling the attention up, it is intoxicating. I lack this attention that I am not getting at home. And he is still very attractive... he has hardly changed in 20 years. He looks at least 10 years younger than he really is. I was telling him this exact thing that I felt this sense of immediately 'comfortable' with him. So I totally get the instant intimacy thing. I have to tell myself that he is probably going through the exact same thing and that the feelings that he has for me are based on 'brain chemistry' and have nothing to do with the person I am now. So if you want him out of your life, stand up to him. Noone can force you to do something you don't want to do. Let him be persistant, you can ignore him.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 It's real easy to connect with an old flame through today's technology. If mbm69 and her husband are "bad and sad" then I guess my husband and I are too. I posted in another thread that both my husband and I were contacted by first loves in the same month. He was traveling through her state to visit a relative. She saw that on Facebook and made arrangements to meet him. They met, had a nice chat, and went their separate ways. No harm done. My situation turned out very differently. It can go either way. I don't think a public lashing is very helpful in a case like this. Actually, I think it's more about weak boundaries than anything else. A married person hooking up with an ex is totally inapropriate. If I suggested to my wife that I wanted to go to another state to meet my "old flame" she'd tell me not to bother coming back. Likewise me to her. It's a boundary that shouldn't be crossed.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 So if you want him out of your life, stand up to him. Noone can force you to do something you don't want to do. Let him be persistant, you can ignore him. Yep, emails can be blocked, Facebook friends, defriended etc, just with a few clicks of a mouse. I think the OP just doesn't want to
aplomb Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I don't doubt he tried to find you over the years. My first love had actually written a book (but that's another story) And yes, a big part of it is a brain chemistry thing. It makes it difficult to think straight. Unfortunately you've already unleashed those chemicals. You're already hooked. That is the obsessive thinking part. He's bombarding you with emails, etc. He's hooked too. At this point it is going to be difficult to extricate yourself from it, if that's what you want. It is very much like drug addiction. You will go through withdrawal if you end it and communication ceases. I went through hell. A good therapist (that has some knowledge of this phenomenon) can be very helpful. Just know that the road ahead is a rocky one, but like you said, you already opened Pandora's Box. I'm afraid it's too late to walk away without being wounded in some way. Wish I had better news.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 This is just MY perspective, but I am very suspicious, and dismissive of new pop psych labels like "Lost Love Reconnection," "Split Self Affairs," etc. I think they are aggrandizing simple, predictable, and unremarkable human foibles. It's all "grass is greener," nostalgia, midlife crisis behavior (facing lost youth and mortality) and "cake eating," really. Clearly, you have had your share of challenges with your SO. So when the romantic and elusive figure from your carefree and youthful past shows up, it's easy to understand why you'd get in a dither about it. But, now you've made choices that will hurt you. It's not too late to put the brakes on this EA you're having and refocus on your primary relationship. Maybe you and your SO really need to go your separate ways. You have kids, so this needs to be worked out properly for their sakes, as well as for yours and his. Whatever the outcome with him, I sincerely believe, and you can quote me on this in the future, you will NOT be with this "lost love." He obviously has issues that have affected his relationships. He did not have a relationship with you, really. He ran. He does not have respect for your role as a partnered person. It's not looking promising. But, if you stop messing around with this now, you can revisit after you separate from your SO, if you choose.
jenifer1972 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I think you CAN still walk away. Quite easily. Just tell him it has been a nice fanciful unrealistic walk down memory lane, but that is all it was, and say goodbye. As I said, many red flags that you will regret not listening to if you go further.
aplomb Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Well Mme. Chaucer, it's just my opinion too, but as one that has been through it, and talked to many that also have, I have a different take on it. I understand the need to provide a reality check, but on this topic I am empathetic. There is also a good body of research to back up the feelings mbm69 and I have had in struggling with this.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Well Mme. Chaucer, it's just my opinion too, but as one that has been through it, and talked to many that also have, I have a different take on it. I understand the need to provide a reality check, but on this topic I am empathetic. There is also a good body of research to back up the feelings mbm69 and I have had in struggling with this. I think most of us have at least been touched by it, with the advent of fb and all. Everybody looks up their "lost loves" all the time. I've certainly been affected. It went like this: I had a terrible divorce and was shattered. I started to reminisce about my high school boyfriend. We were (really) extremely compatible and we had amazing good times. I've never had better. The reason we broke up? I was not ready to have sex and he was frustrated with that. I even had told some friends that I thought he and I actually would have made a really good couple for life, if the timing had been different. Miraculously, he suddenly found me on the Internet! (That fateful miracle that another poster described as comparable to the miracle of going to the grocery store and finding food!) He'd been through a painful divorce too. So it went. Only in my case, I did not feel ready (I'm sure it was like bad deja vu for the poor guy!) enough after my traumatic divorce to really go there. I was feeling like damaged goods after the garbage I'd been through with my recently divorced husband - I did not think I was coming from a healthy place, and I was right. I needed more time. Plus, we had serious lifestyle differences (I live on a farm with tons of animals; he wanted to live on a boat). But, I totally understand the feelings. Where I draw the line is when people talk about these things like it is some kind of magic that is bigger than any of us, or that we are out of control when endorphins or other chemicals are flooding our brains & bods. THAT is just bogus. We ARE in control of what we do, of how much we let these things move us about in our lives, and how we handle our chemical explosions. We are NOT heroines in trashy romance novels, powerless over fate, our "soul mates," "lost loves," or any of that. No, we aren't, unless we insist upon being so. To the OP - I know you are feeling terrible and it is your choice how you proceed from here. Your CHOICE. You have the power to decide and to act.
Author mbm69 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Thank you to everyone for your input... you are the sound board I needed, even though it was harsh sometimes. I think I needed it. Now I know what I have to do.
Recommended Posts