mbm69 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I am a new member on this forum and I have no one to turn to in my real life. I have been in a relationship with my significant other (SO) for 17 years. We met when I was 25 and he 22. Things went really fast for us and we went to live together less than a year after we met, when we had only had a long distance relationship and I moved to be be with him. Our relationship was rocky for many years. But we did eventually decide to have children together. We now have a 10 year old and a 7 year old. We separated twice over the past 17 years. Once when our oldest was 3. During our time trying to patch our relationship up, I became unexpectedly pregnant with our youngest. Three years ago, we separated again for 3 months. I worked extra hard to win him back, mostly because I was scared of ending up alone at the time but also I couldn't bring myself to think about raising our kids in a broken household. Our relationship had been going pretty well for the past 2 years. We had both taken extra care to fullfill the needs of the other spouse. In the last year or so, we haven't been as attentive though. At the beginning of December, this guy I was infatuated with 20 years ago suddenly looked me up on facebook. I met him when I was 18, and was immediately smitten with him (it was love at first sight for me). Over the 3 years before we actually started dating, we became great friends. Then we started dating. One night he drove me home after going to the movies, and we had an intense makeout session... so I invited him to come up to my apartment. He just said it wasn't a good idea, maybe some other time. So I left and I never heard from him again until this last December. But I was devasatated by his rejection. I refused to date anyone until I met my now SO. And I have worked very hard at forgetting this man. Turns out, he tells me that he has always been in love with me. I have a hard time believing him at the beginning, because if a guy refuses to be intimate with a woman (especially at 23), it's clearly because he is not into that woman. Well turns out there was a legitimate reason for him not accepting my advances which I found out after much prying. He had (and still has) erectile dysfunction and he was so ashamed of me finding out that he let me go. When he contacted me in the beginning, I had absolutely no intention of 'falling for him' again. I made it clear that I was just interested in being 'friends' like we were before we started dating and just catching up. But we started chatting quite a bit, which made me realize why I was so infatuated by this man in the past. All the old feelings have come back to haunt me. I know I shouldn't have let these feelings overwhelm me, but they are there. We have seen each other twice since he first made contact. There has been no physical intimacy (except a hug or 2). And we have only seen each other twice because we live 200k away. But he claims that he wants to marry me and he will move to be with me if I decided to leave my spouse. He says he has always wanted to marry me and letting me go has always been the biggest regret of his life. He has now had 2 failed relationships with 2 children. He doesn't see any problem whatsoever in the fact that I'm involved in a 17 year long relationship. He believes we are soul mates. Now, my romantic side does maybe think we are soul mates. I have never felt this deep connection with anyone ever. But my practical side sees 1)I have been with my spouse for 17 years and our kids are still young and 2) this old flame lives 200k away from me. I cannot stop thinking about my old flame. Day, and night. I cannot fall asleep at night because I cannot stop thinking about him and wake up at all hours of the night. I cannot stop thinking about the harm it would cause my spouse if he would know about my feelings for this old flame. I cannot stop thinking about the harm it would do my family if I were to leave my spouse for this other man. I am torn between these intense feelings of lust? love? and the intense guilt. It's an awful feeling. This old flame has been filling some huge emotional gaps in my present relationship and I know this is why I have fallen for him. He fulfills needs that my present partner has never been able to fill. I don't know what to do, what to think anymore. I'm really all mixed up in my head right now. Sorry this is so long. Please help knock some sense into me.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 You're letting your feelings and mindful fantasies get the best of you. You're in no position to chase this guy and go be with him..Right now he is feeding your ego, meeting a need or two of yours, making you feel good, bring those nice crush like feelings to life. You are with someone, have kids and a family. Crushes are one thing, it's nice to be noticed and have abit of attention but to let it get in the way of your life, how you feel towards your spouse and consider leaving what you have for the unknown isn't good. You do not know this man "now." He knows too that you are married and has no problem chasing you. What does that say about him? Fast forward your life two years..You end with this guy, your kids have alot of problems adjusting, your ex HATES you and is going for full custody. You lose respect from friends, family and have to deal with the fallout of your choice to leave your H and kids to go be with some guy from your past .. Let..It..Go. Tell this guy goodbye, he's no friend of yours, he's a cancer to your marriage! It's going to cause alot of trouble, pain and heartache. Imagine your partner doing this behind your back, meeting an old flame, reconnected on facebook. HOw would you feel?? Put yourself in his shoes and think about it. Good luck and I hope you end that friendship with that guy from your past and focus on spending time with your H, go on date nights, put in effort to be romantic with the one who IS infront of you.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 . But I was devasatated by his rejection. Classic !!You want what you can't have.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 he tells me that he has always been in love with me. . Sorry but I smell Male Bovine Excrement here (BS).. Guys I know do this because they want a shag, not because they believe the girl is their "soul mate". Problem is the women actually fall for that crap. seems like you are too.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 He doesn't see any problem whatsoever in the fact that I'm involved in a 17 year long relationship. A man of high integrity too
jenifer1972 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 He's from your youth when emotions run very high and are unrealistic. In fact, there are a number of concerning red flags which you can't see because the old emotions are rushing back: -if he is your soulmate, why did he dump you so abruptly and cruelly back then?? Erectile dysfunction..no reason to be cruel and dump you with no explanation. And really, he's had two kids...So it's probably psychological dysfunction, not physical, which is a real can of worms. -he has two FAILED relationships with kids under his belt..so obviously at least 2 other women didn't think he was "all that". Might be good to get some perspective from them. -"he doesn't see any problem" with honing in on a woman who is in a 17 year relationship with kids...and a legal vow. That in and of itself is really sociopathic. Being 'soulmates' does not make this ok. If he was always in love with you and felt you were his soulmate, hello, there were PHONES years ago. He could have CALLED. But, no he didn't... What's to say he won't meet another woman who is an even better 'soulmate' than you, and then have "no problem" dumping you for the new 'improved' soulmate..?
aplomb Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I understand your story very well. I was contacted by my first love. I couldn't imagine what he would want after 30 years. I was curious. That was my undoing, because I was happily married at the time. He told me he never stopped thinking about me. He had stacks of things he had written about our time together. He would send them to me and, although I shouldn't have, I couldn't resist opening and reading. What you are going through has a name, but don't expect much sympathy from the outside world. Most will just call you names or be totally unsympathetic. There are people who do understand. They are people that have had the experience. Your reconnection with this man unearthed strong feelings that were buried. We are imprinted, in a sense, by our first loves. If the relationship ends like yours - seemingly without reason, those feelings remain unresolved. It sounds as if they have remained unresolved for both of you. I believe you are in the obsessive/addictive phase of what is called a Lost Love reconnection. You might want to look at the work of Dr. Nancy Kalish, who has devoted her life's work to researching this phenomenon. She also has a private forum for people that are going through what you are going through. There are many kind, sympathetic people there that will listen and help you as best they can. It is particularly hard to deal with contact from a lost love if the marriage, or relationship you are in, is currently in tough shape. It is very scary and confusing, but you will find your way. In my case, I found my way back to my husband. Sometimes it turns out differently. Some people leave their relationships to be with their lost loves. However it pans out, your life will be forever changed.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 . But I was devasatated by his rejection. . It also shows that if your husband dropped you like a hot potato and rejected you, after a while you'd be pining after him. My guess is that it would be too late though by the time you realised that Mr perfect soulmate's **** does actually smell.
Author mbm69 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I think these are exactly the type of replies I need. I'm such a sucker. For the record, my spouse knows about this guy contacting me. I was honest and told him that we met up to 'catch up'. So I haven't been dishonest with him.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I think these are exactly the type of replies I need. I'm such a sucker. For the record, my spouse knows about this guy contacting me. I was honest and told him that we met up to 'catch up'. So I haven't been dishonest with him. Yes but you have a completely different intention of 'friendship' that your H isn't aware of. He doesn't know how you feel about the OM..That's not being honest. It's like you want to him accept that friendship under a certain light so he won't question you or worry that you're cheating on him. Hope that makes sense to you.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 For the record, my spouse knows about this guy contacting me. . Us men may be a bit rubbish when aiming for the toilet, but we aren't stupid, trust me your husband is very suspicious.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Yes but you have a completely different intention of 'friendship' that your H isn't aware of. He doesn't know how you feel about the OM..That's not being honest. It's like you want to him accept that friendship under a certain light so he won't question you or worry that you're cheating on him. Hope that makes sense to you. Yep and if he finds out he will never be able to trust you again.
Author mbm69 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Thank you aplomb for your thoughtful response. I will certainly look into Dr. Kalish's work. If it can help me deal through this, it is certainly worth it. Although I seem to be hot headed right now, I'm really trying really hard to keep my feet firmly in the ground. My first and foremost priority is my kids. Honestly, right now I don't really care about my spouse, but my kids I do. I always say that the love of my life are my kids.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Us men may be a bit rubbish when aiming for the toilet, but we aren't stupid, trust me your husband is very suspicious. This is true. Your H isn't stupid. If you come home giddy and have a certain energy about you, he IS going to notice. He just hasn't said anything yet because he trusts you..But don't fool yourself into thinking that you're home free and now have a boyfriend on the side and your H has no clue.
Author mbm69 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 He doesn't know how you feel about the OM..That's not being honest. Actually, yes he knows. I told him that I was feeling weird 'feelings' which is true. I also did tell him that I knew the difference between fantasy and reality.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 My first and foremost priority is my kids. Honestly, right now I don't really care about my spouse, If you care about your kids you wont get involved with someone else. Either fix your marriage or end it, dont stay and cheat in hopes that you can have the benefits of keeping your family together and then have someone on the side to make you feel happy and alive. Maybe your H would be interested in an open marriage? Maybe he wants someone on the side as well.. Why not tell him what is going on?
Author mbm69 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I guess I deserve the public smackdown by the way. I already felt like a disgusting human being before, now I feel even worse.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Actually, yes he knows. I told him that I was feeling weird 'feelings' which is true. So you are saying he is ok about you having these feelings?
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I guess I deserve the public smackdown by the way. I already felt like a disgusting human being before, now I feel even worse. We are the only people who will give you an honest answer. We all make mistakes, you decide...
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Maybe your H would be interested in an open marriage? Maybe he wants someone on the side as well.. Why not tell him what is going on? Yep, consider how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot and hubby was thinking of travelling 200 K's to shag his high school sweetheart senseless? My guess is pretty bad
Author mbm69 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 So you are saying he is ok about you having these feelings? Of course not! But I don't know what these feelings are. I certainly know it's not love. But I don't know what it is... Love isn't supposed to make you feel guilty. It's supposed to make you feel good. So when I explained this to him, that's exactly what I told him. That I felt guilty for having these feelings. He went through something similar last year. His first GF contacting him and he went out with her for 'closure' he told me and wanted to offer me the same thing. I guess when I met my old flame, that's what I was hoping for as well. But it just opened up a big Pandora's box for me.
robf1971 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Of course not! But I don't know what these feelings are. I certainly know it's not love. But I don't know what it is... Love isn't supposed to make you feel guilty. It's supposed to make you feel good. So when I explained this to him, that's exactly what I told him. That I felt guilty for having these feelings. He went through something similar last year. His first GF contacting him and he went out with her for 'closure' he told me and wanted to offer me the same thing. I guess when I met my old flame, that's what I was hoping for as well. But it just opened up a big Pandora's box for me. I just don't get some people. If my "first love" contacted me I wouldn't feel any need to respond. Maybe you and your hubby are as bad and sad as each other.
aplomb Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I understand the practical side of things. You will need to do what is best for yourself and your children. I just wanted you to know that this is no garden variety affair. I was pursued for eight months before I finally caved. It's real tough to deal with especially if there are problems in your relationship with your SO. There is also instant intimacy because this person is no stranger. That can really twist your head. In my case I was with my first love for four years when I was young and we were going to get married, but broke up instead. We went on to marry others. I never thought I would hear from him again in this lifetime. Take your time. Think things through.
Author mbm69 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I just don't get some people. If my "first love" contacted me I wouldn't feel any need to respond. Maybe you and your hubby are as bad and sad as each other. Nah, I don't think so. I did meet his ex GF btw, and she's actually very nice and I can see there is nothing left there. Besides, she has moved on and is a serious relationship now. I didn't like it when he went to meet up with her last year. As he didn't like it when I met up with my old flame. But sometimes I think it's better to leave some 'freedom' in a relationship if you don't want to look like a complete control freak.
jenifer1972 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I just don't get some people. If my "first love" contacted me I wouldn't feel any need to respond. Maybe you and your hubby are as bad and sad as each other. Well, you are not her, are you?? Had my first love contacted me when I was in a bad marriage with my ex, that would have been a very big temptation, and I am strongly morally opposed to cheating on all levels. So if you can't relate, don't debate. 1
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