january2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 You tell me. As far as I was concerned I was answering the question you posed. Do you really need to read into it anymore than that?
hopesndreams Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 As far as I was concerned I was answering the question you posed. Do you really need to read into it anymore than that? Nope. Have a good nite.
january2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Nope. Have a good nite. Okay then! You too
Zapbasket Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I agree. I've only ever had one serious relationship despite doing the online thing for years. I am now almost 40. I lost the love of my life...do I think at this late stage I will find another one? No. I've led a pretty interestng life...interesting career, well travelled, friends, etc .. but i've never "bumped into" a like-minded single man. At this stage of my life I doubt I will. Maybe when I am in my 50's. I am all for hope, but not false hope. A counsellor recently told me that I have to be realistic about my chances of falling in love again, given my age, location, education/profession, looks etc. Its like I'm in a lose-lose situation. I am extremely heartbroken, but in order to get over that heartbreak I cannot expect to find another true love....In order to heal, I have to create a totally new reality for myself. Life sucks sometimes. The loneliness, sadness and despair never seems to end. I second everyone who says this counselor should lose his/her license. The nerve. You deserve far, far better than that for the money you're probably paying that horrid hack.
Zapbasket Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I think it's not so much the promise of "better," as it is the promise that life DOES go on, and broken hearts eventually heal, and many people present themselves for us to care about. Love isn't guaranteed to anyone to be just around the next corner, but there are many opportunities to love and be loved if you open your heart. It's not always romantic love, but even the love of a close friendship or new intimacies with an old relative does wonders to move your heart and mind into a new life chapter. It's funny, I'm on Serious Boyfriend #3 in my life, and I think how with the previous two I could not conceive of having an intimate relationship with someone else. It seemed that with my first (5-year) relationship especially, the closed door to that relationship meant a closed door to future love altogether. And yet, I have loved again...and each time, more wisely. That's the "better" I think people are referring to. Frankly, Boyfriend #2 was a hideous example of humanity and yet I am proud of myself for the courage and integrity I displayed in that relationship, and especially of the grace and dignity I managed in the end when the full extent of his hideousness was revealed. Each relationship has opened up a whole new world to me, these totally unforeseen landscapes in the geography of my life that reveal parts of me and of the human condition that I never knew...and yet, the entire trajectory is ME living MY life. I can't get lost in these unique landscapes; I only grow increasingly true to myself and my values, so that every year I love, I love BETTER and BETTER. Hope this helps a little
0hpenelope Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Oh, it gets better alright. BRING IT ON! I'm ready for this better guy!
TLCbear Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 If there's one thing I know from my experience, it's that once you become truly happy being alone, happy with yourself, satisfied with the life you have made for yourself, you will enjoy that feeling for about 5 seconds before a new SO enters the picture. I totally agree. That seems to happen to me everytime. As long as I'm stressing and really wanting to meet someone, I never find what I'm searching for...BUT as soon as I get back into my routine of enjoying my life the way it is, someone always comes into the picture....it's always at a time where I'm not looking or wanting it....and I hate that because by then, I'm usually set in my ways or have gotten use to being by myself. I guess that's the reason why I'm not married yet. The last guy I was with wanted to get married, but I declined moreso because I didn't want anyone living with me. I was happy with the way things was in my life. The guy before that, wanted to get married also, but he came back into my life a year later after our first breakup and at that time, I was enjoying talking to other guys. Crazy isn't it? It would be nice to meet someone when I'm actually looking for it.
Billy_Boy Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 So, if you cant see the future, you can only have faith in the uncertainty that 1. it will be good. 2. it wil be bad. I guess it boils down to, if you are a pessimist or an optimist. I find optimism produces better results because of the positive energy applications, whereas pessimism can lead to being a self fulfilling prophecy.
chloe56 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Finding it really hard to be optimistic lately. I know that you need to be happy with yourself and then you can be happy with someone, but, what if I am just never going to meet someone that wants to be with me? What if I am doomed to a childless, partner -less future? I mean, as a woman, with the bio clock ticking away, add to that the fact that one is trying to get over heartbreak, plus adoption is a nightmare unless you can afford to pay privately..... Erm, yea, rant over.
Hhhh Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Finding it really hard to be optimistic lately. I know that you need to be happy with yourself and then you can be happy with someone, but, what if I am just never going to meet someone that wants to be with me? What if I am doomed to a childless, partner -less future? I mean, as a woman, with the bio clock ticking away, add to that the fact that one is trying to get over heartbreak, plus adoption is a nightmare unless you can afford to pay privately..... Erm, yea, rant over. This day in age there is more time on the bio-clock, i'm sure you got more than enough time to find the person your of your dreams. I just remember the times i was satisfied with life even without a SO. Just let life take its course and let love find you.
comethemorning Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 In my experience, people who love each other can still hurt each other. I don't know what world you live in, but I could never hurt the one I love. Should people expect to be hurt by those they love and be ok with it? How can there be love if someone is hurting another? To answer this, simply, because there is a very fine line between love and hate. And sometimes they can be indistinguishable as well as interchangeable. Both are very powerful, extreme emotions. Not only that, but you cannot truly be hurt by someone unless they mean a great deal to you. Think about it like this - the checkout girl is rude to you. You get mad, but you certainly do not dwell on it. Your SO can do something as simple as forget your birthday, and you better believe that in 20 years, you will still remember it... (just like you will remember that Christmas you got pots and pans - LOL). Peace.
Nothingtolose Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I feel the same way as the OP. I know it sounds crazy, I'm still under 30, but i feel like i will never find anyone. It makes me so sad cause I have such a great social life, good work prospects, i know im not unattractive, technically there should be no problem meeting a man, still i cant seem to make any relationship last and i seem to only attract jerks that end up ****ing me over. I tried the whole 'working on myself', was single for a long time, was happy with myself, then 'the perfect man' entered my life and he screwed me over worse than anyone ever before. So that whole 'work on yourself, be happy and the right person will come', 'you will feel when it is right' etc etc - BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Still ended the same way. People say with such certainty 'you will find someone better' but there's a chance that may not happen! some people do stay alone for years and year, never marry, never have kids. Everytime i leave the house i see happy couples, holding hands, pushing prams, and i think...what if i never get to have that? it just makes me so sad, i know i shouldnt feel that way, but i do. rant over.
broken-and-lost Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 So what if you have to wait? Sometimes, the best things in life come later in life. Sometimes you save the best for last. Sometimes love comes along when you least expect it. Who is this person? Maybe you should get some advice from someone who actually wants to ENCOURAGE you, not make you feel like giving up. Cheesh. There's nothing wrong with thinking about getting a new hair style, or getting a new wardrobe to update your look. There's nothing wrong with getting some fashion advice. AND by the way, MANY men like older, well read, professional, intelligent women. You sound depressed, and perhaps you should seek out another counselor. I think it's understandable that you feel this way after a recent breakup, but the world has not come to an end and you need some encouragement. Let me tell you something. People in happy, thriving marriages, with kids and houses and great lives, can suddenly have it all taken away by a death. I have seen it happen. I have had friends who lost a parent. And in due time, after the heart has healed, they get out there, b/c they have a lot of love to give, and they find love again. I read an article about some of the people widowed from 9/11. My jaw dropped when I read how these people healed, fell in love again, still honor their loved ones, and are happier than ever. It was awe inspiring. One of the news journalists in my area married a 911 widower and the story was so romantic and beautiful, I was in tears. Guess what? She is in her forties. Please think about getting a new counselor. Your heart is a muscle. You exercise it and it gets stronger, it gets more vital, it pumps life into you. You let it go and it gets weak and hopeless. You sound like a lovely person. Your "new reality" may well be to be content being alone, there's nothing wrong with that at all. But that does not mean your life has to stop there. Take care. best advice ever think it's really sad a counselor would say such a thing your only 40, i just got dumped at 36 it hurts like hell..... you should never give up hope on life your alive not ill life can surprise you in good ways just as much as bad my ex taught me that and helped me see the world as a better place even tho she has caused me soo much pain in leaving me. get a new counselor
chloe56 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks Hhhh, I was just having a rough couple of days. Feeling much better and looking forward to the future, with clearer understanding of what I want my new, improved, "better" partner to be. ;-)
Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Its true lots of people die alone, but even more people die realsing they put up with a jerk for nothing and they were missing out on the love of their life. How will you know if you stay with someone who makes you miserable?
willpower Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I second everyone who says this counselor should lose his/her license. The nerve. You deserve far, far better than that for the money you're probably paying that horrid hack. To be fair what is wrong with what the counsellor said. For me the point in counselling is not to be told what you want to hear, its to face reality and deal with it. You have 2 options, accept your situation and go on with the hope you'll find what you want in the future, make an effort to find a special person and invest in a future with them. If you do this then you may find someone, it all depends on your expectations, your current situation etc. Lets face it (speaking as a male) if your 50, out of shape, look awful and are average your not going to be able to pull 18 year old models with any degree of ease so if thats your expectation the odds are not in your favour. You still may not find someone. The other option is to dissapear into your own self pity, write yourself off and not bother trying - your almost guaranteed to not find someone in this case. Just by being alove today your evolutionarily designed to move on and hold out hope, those who didn't died out. Or lowered their expectations and put up with less than they wanted. Ultimately life is harsh, the people who faught WW1/2 held out hope that they would live as they went over the top - not many did. Just becuase you have hope doesn't mean you'll get what you want, but its the only way you stand a chance of getting it. I know thats too much for some people, maybe for them its better to hear "you'll be fine, the future is bright" from someone, but really hw can anyone say that with any certainty more than you or I can. Hold out hope, but realise the world is not finctioning to please you. You need to seek your happiness to stand a chance.
abust1 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 To answer this, simply, because there is a very fine line between love and hate. And sometimes they can be indistinguishable as well as interchangeable. Both are very powerful, extreme emotions. Not only that, but you cannot truly be hurt by someone unless they mean a great deal to you. Think about it like this - the checkout girl is rude to you. You get mad, but you certainly do not dwell on it. Your SO can do something as simple as forget your birthday, and you better believe that in 20 years, you will still remember it... (just like you will remember that Christmas you got pots and pans - LOL). Peace. Continuing this intra-thread convo.. I can attest to this. I had a lot of unresolved loss in my childhood that left me struggling with healthy love. I'm 30 and I've been in two 5ish year long relationships where I can now look back and feel the missed opportunities for healthy intimacy. I was a cowardly lover and always held back, treating them very poorly at times. Often detesting them for no apparent reason. I didn't realize how much I loved them until they finally gave up on me. Now I just love crying. I'm going to be a badass lover in the future though. Pity party!
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