suddendumpee Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 ...when the fact is that there are people who never marry and die alone? Seems everyone is so certain to us dumpees that the right person will come along and make our last relationships seem like nothing. The more time that goes by, and the more I think of our great past, and the more dreams I awake from where we are still together....the more I doubt this will be the case for me. I will never do this extreme "travel dating" thing again. The memories forged are too powerful and exciting to fade away like more common "restaurants, bars, walks in the park, movies at home" memories would. I wish the Summer would get here. The cold weather and darkness is NOT helping my situation.
GreenPolicy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 ...when the fact is that there are people who never marry and die alone? Seems everyone is so certain to us dumpees that the right person will come along and make our last relationships seem like nothing. The more time that goes by, and the more I think of our great past, and the more dreams I awake from where we are still together....the more I doubt this will be the case for me. I will never do this extreme "travel dating" thing again. The memories forged are too powerful and exciting to fade away like more common "restaurants, bars, walks in the park, movies at home" memories would. I wish the Summer would get here. The cold weather and darkness is NOT helping my situation. Belief is a powerful thing, and you can accomplish all sorts of things if you believe in yourself. If you sit at home and retreat and become a hermit, then yeah, you will not replace your ex. My uncle got divorced from his wife about 20 years ago. They had three teenage children involved. So his ordeal was 1000x worse than what you or I have had to go through. I asked him for advice about my situation, and he basically said you have to go out and get involved in something and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Are you religious? Find a church home with an active singles ministry. If you're not, find a volunteering opportunity, get active in online dating, find some meetup groups that suit your interests. Women are not going to come knocking on your door. I know you hurt over your ex, and I do with mine, but for different reasons, we are better off without them. Your ex doesn't have integrity, and mine lacks emotional maturity and stability. Until your ex becomes a better person, and until my ex can overcome her deep-seated issues, we should not want to be with them. Take this time to get involved in something and work on yourself. Examine why you fell so hard for a girl that had such character flaws. What red flags and warning signs did you miss? because I can guarantee you that they were always there. In the case of mine, she told me that her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and that pretty much all of her past relationships were short term. I chose to ignore that information and didn't think I would be shown the door like all of her previous exes. You have the opportunity to learn from this experience. In the future, you will not allow yourself to get involved with women like your ex if you learn what to look for from the get go. Go to the bookstore and read some books on spirituality and relationships. From the sound of it, you treated her well, but you are not perfect and there are mistakes you made that you can learn from. Be well.
depplover_1980 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 People speak and say this from experience. When we are hurting we can never visualise moving on, but as humans it is instinctual to heal and move on. Once you are healed and your life takes on a pattern you will start bumping into people you find appealing again, then eventually love again. It is the way of the world...
Author suddendumpee Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Belief is a powerful thing, and you can accomplish all sorts of things if you believe in yourself. Thanks for your wise words. It all makes sense except for this part. I believed in my last relationship. I was optimistic and never doubted that we would be together forever. In this case, belief is the very reason I'm having such a hard time recovering.
TLCbear Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 ...when the fact is that there are people who never marry and die alone? Seems everyone is so certain to us dumpees that the right person will come along and make our last relationships seem like nothing. I agree. I feel that way quiet alot and that is reality. There is no such thing as the right person, but what I've learned is to just cherish the time you have with anybody that may come into your life. I always thought I would not find anyone better, but actually looking back, I always did find better...but it always happened when I wasn't looking or ready for it. So the only thing I can say is be patient, which I know it's hard to do...I'm trying to do just that. Good luck.
GreenPolicy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks for your wise words. It all makes sense except for this part. I believed in my last relationship. I was optimistic and never doubted that we would be together forever. In this case, belief is the very reason I'm having such a hard time recovering. Let me tell you a story about one of my best friends. He was in this relationship right after college that lasted about two years. They were deeply in love with each other. They seemed a perfect match. They were very happy with each other. And the girl had some family drama, issues of her own, not exactly sure what the impetus was because he didn't talk about it much, but she dumped him. And I know he was where you and I are now, and he said he was devastated for about 4 or 5 months. And then about a year and a half later he met the woman who would become his wife. And he would be the first to tell you that his wife is a much better match and fit for him than the ex. He said that one of the things he realized much later is on is that when you're in the infatuation/honeymoon stage of a relationship, which is where he was, you think that you and your partner are perfect for each other and meant to be. And later on down the line, you come to realize that you weren't really that great of a fit after all. There is no such thing as The One. There are any number of people out there that we can forge a meaningful connection of love and intimacy with. It's hard for me to accept in my situation because my ex and I worked and fit pretty well together. We wouldn't have gotten so serious if we hadn't had that compatibility, chemistry and connection. For a relationship to work out in the long run, both partners must be able and willing to work at it. You cannot have romance and passion in a relationship 100 percent of the time. The honeymoon phase does not last forever. There are phases in a relationship where it's mundane and kind of boring. That affects every single love relationship. You need the feelings that are established in the honeymoon phase for it to last, but feelings are not enough. A willingness to work at it and emotional maturity is also needed, and our exes do not have that. The next person you're with, always have the awareness that at some point the honeymoon phase will end, and that the decision to be with somebody is a decision that is renewed every single day. What somebody says and feels Tuesday is not necessarily what they are going to say and feel on Saturday. If you didn't slack off and you were still doing the same things at the end of the relationship that you did at the beginning, then you're golden. That's the best way to maintain a girl's interest, by never getting too comfortable.
Blue Gardenia Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I agree. I've only ever had one serious relationship despite doing the online thing for years. I am now almost 40. I lost the love of my life...do I think at this late stage I will find another one? No. I've led a pretty interestng life...interesting career, well travelled, friends, etc .. but i've never "bumped into" a like-minded single man. At this stage of my life I doubt I will. Maybe when I am in my 50's. I am all for hope, but not false hope. A counsellor recently told me that I have to be realistic about my chances of falling in love again, given my age, location, education/profession, looks etc. Its like I'm in a lose-lose situation. I am extremely heartbroken, but in order to get over that heartbreak I cannot expect to find another true love....In order to heal, I have to create a totally new reality for myself. Life sucks sometimes. The loneliness, sadness and despair never seems to end.
Eeyore79 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) I will never do this extreme "travel dating" thing again. The memories forged are too powerful and exciting to fade away like more common "restaurants, bars, walks in the park, movies at home" memories would. Boy, do I know what you mean! I once had a whirlwind love affair in Italy and it was harder to get over because it's tied up with all these amazing memories of sun-drenched piazzas, winding cobbled streets, ancient cathedral bells and buskers singing opera on street corners. Maybe the setting was part of the magic, part of the reason I fell for him so fast and so hard. It's hard to come back to real life and just go to the movies with a regular guy. With hindsight though, I'm glad to have those memories - most people never get to experience anything like that. I'm aware that it only seems perfect because the relationship was restricted to the honeymoon period, and if we'd been together back home for years and years then it would eventually have felt mundane. A few years later it just feels like a beautiful dream to me; a secret in the back of my mind which makes me smile when I hear a certain aria. Eventually your pain will stop and only the memories will remain Edited January 21, 2011 by Eeyore79
sumdude Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I agree. I've only ever had one serious relationship despite doing the online thing for years. I am now almost 40. I lost the love of my life...do I think at this late stage I will find another one? No. I've led a pretty interestng life...interesting career, well travelled, friends, etc .. but i've never "bumped into" a like-minded single man. At this stage of my life I doubt I will. Maybe when I am in my 50's. I am all for hope, but not false hope. A counsellor recently told me that I have to be realistic about my chances of falling in love again, given my age, location, education/profession, looks etc. Its like I'm in a lose-lose situation. I am extremely heartbroken, but in order to get over that heartbreak I cannot expect to find another true love....In order to heal, I have to create a totally new reality for myself. Life sucks sometimes. The loneliness, sadness and despair never seems to end. IMO your counsellor should lose his/her license for saying that to you.
chloe56 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 agree with sumdude, hope you didn't believe that bs blue gardenia. I also wonder about that " you will meet someone better " line, I suppose it means that we learn from our past mistakes and ensure we choose better? Watch out for those lovely red flags and recognise it for what it is?
depplover_1980 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 My best friend is 41 soon with 2 children aged 20 and 13 and she has been in a new relationship for 6 months and is very happy, perhaps considering this her best yet. She had not had a partner for 5+years before she met him so there is hope yet!!
East7 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 IME/IMO It all depends on what you consider "Better" Prettier ? Smarter ? More affectionate ?....etc For me "Better" is someone who is more compatible with me. IME I found out I could fall in love with someone who wasn't a 10 in my standards, still she was a smart a$s and I think that's what made the trick. Also, IMO we forge our personality and we become wiser after some bitter experiences. I do believe people can fall in love again and again when the circumstances make it possible. Some relationship are very passionate and memorable for a lifetime, still they are not meant to be long-term for compatibility reasons or because of unrequited love. A "better" relationship is the one who survives and makes you fulfilled even after the honeymoon stage. I think we do find better when we know what we want and we find someone that fits our needs and vice-versa. It is a question of two people who fill each-others needs.
Graceful Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I agree. I've only ever had one serious relationship despite doing the online thing for years. I am now almost 40. I lost the love of my life...do I think at this late stage I will find another one? No. I've led a pretty interestng life...interesting career, well travelled, friends, etc .. but i've never "bumped into" a like-minded single man. At this stage of my life I doubt I will. Maybe when I am in my 50's. So what if you have to wait? Sometimes, the best things in life come later in life. Sometimes you save the best for last. Sometimes love comes along when you least expect it. I am all for hope, but not false hope. A counsellor recently told me that I have to be realistic about my chances of falling in love again, given my age, location, education/profession, looks etc. Who is this person? Maybe you should get some advice from someone who actually wants to ENCOURAGE you, not make you feel like giving up. Cheesh. There's nothing wrong with thinking about getting a new hair style, or getting a new wardrobe to update your look. There's nothing wrong with getting some fashion advice. AND by the way, MANY men like older, well read, professional, intelligent women. You sound depressed, and perhaps you should seek out another counselor. I think it's understandable that you feel this way after a recent breakup, but the world has not come to an end and you need some encouragement. Its like I'm in a lose-lose situation. I am extremely heartbroken, but in order to get over that heartbreak I cannot expect to find another true love....In order to heal, I have to create a totally new reality for myself. Let me tell you something. People in happy, thriving marriages, with kids and houses and great lives, can suddenly have it all taken away by a death. I have seen it happen. I have had friends who lost a parent. And in due time, after the heart has healed, they get out there, b/c they have a lot of love to give, and they find love again. I read an article about some of the people widowed from 9/11. My jaw dropped when I read how these people healed, fell in love again, still honor their loved ones, and are happier than ever. It was awe inspiring. One of the news journalists in my area married a 911 widower and the story was so romantic and beautiful, I was in tears. Guess what? She is in her forties. Please think about getting a new counselor. Your heart is a muscle. You exercise it and it gets stronger, it gets more vital, it pumps life into you. You let it go and it gets weak and hopeless. You sound like a lovely person. Your "new reality" may well be to be content being alone, there's nothing wrong with that at all. But that does not mean your life has to stop there. Take care.
january2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 ^^^ A beautiful post, Graceful. I second every word.
smashalasha Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) That counselor sounds like a real jerk, BlueGardenia... I can't believe a counselor would say that. They aren't supposed to make you feel worse! Edited January 21, 2011 by smashalasha
Blue Gardenia Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Graceful, et al. thanks for your kind words. Actually, my counsellor is pretty great. I feel very comfortable. She knows that I've only had one relationship in my life, and that was very recently. She just doesn't want me to be clinging to this hope that somethign wonderful is waiting for me around the corner, because then I will get frusterated. I was very frustrated throughout my 30's, because I hadn't met anyone, and the men I did meet were not my type and the dates didn't go beyond one or two dates. She is trying to assure me that even without a husband and children, I may still find happiness some day. And maybe I will. Its all about letting go of a dream that may not, and likely will not, come to fruition. Letting go of my recent failed relationship means letting go of a lot of things!
hopesndreams Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Seems everyone is so certain to us dumpees that the right person will come along and make our last relationships seem like nothing. You love him with all your heart, put your trust and faith in him and he betrays you. Did he ever really love you to begin with? This is what I've been grappling with. Have I ever truly been loved? Maybe with the next relationship, I will be able to experience being truly loved.
january2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Seems everyone is so certain to us dumpees that the right person will come along and make our last relationships seem like nothing. You love him with all your heart, put your trust and faith in him and he betrays you. Did he ever really love you to begin with? This is what I've been grappling with. Have I ever truly been loved? Maybe with the next relationship, I will be able to experience being truly loved. In my experience, people who love each other can still hurt each other.
D78 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 If there's one thing I know from my experience, it's that once you become truly happy being alone, happy with yourself, satisfied with the life you have made for yourself, you will enjoy that feeling for about 5 seconds before a new SO enters the picture. The new relationship is better than the last because you take all the things you learned in your last relationship with you onto the next one.
hopesndreams Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 In my experience, people who love each other can still hurt each other. I don't know what world you live in, but I could never hurt the one I love. Should people expect to be hurt by those they love and be ok with it? How can there be love if someone is hurting another?
MorningCoffee Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 IMO your counsellor should lose his/her license for saying that to you. Agreed. That "counsel" was so uncalled for!!!!!!!
january2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I don't know what world you live in, but I could never hurt the one I love. Should people expect to be hurt by those they love and be ok with it? How can there be love if someone is hurting another? I live in my world. Our experiences of love and pain have been different. I can live with that.
hopesndreams Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I live in my world. Our experiences of love and pain have been different. I can live with that. Why so defensive?
bl22 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 The question in the original post is what scares me the most about the future. But im a naturally optimistic guy and im optimistic ill find better despite how much I loved my ex. I plan to make the most of my life, and she chose to withdraw from it, her loss...that wont stop me being happy in the future
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