Why am I thinking about it so much?

[IFDDS]

Hey all,

I posted my story here some time ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t259718/

 

I'm feeling much better about the whole case now, since I realized that atleast I tried to explain myself and just be honest with my feelings. I had a few nights when I flipped the whole case in my head so that I was in her shoes. How would I have felt, if she had said and done everything I did? I went through every situation, and it felt a bit weird. I felt like it would have been very awkard to hear her say "I don't know if I like you anymore", "You know the feeling when you actually really do like someone?", "I can't fool myself".

 

Then I thought about everything I said to her after this, a few weeks later: "I'm really sorry I hurt you", "This has been my fault all along", "I really do like you still as much as before", "I want you and nothing else". I think I would have wanted to know exactly what happened. But she didn't seem to want to know, she didn't really ask. I guess what also made her feel awkard was that I avoided her at school for a few weeks. It was just really hard to try and be normal, and chat her up. I thought I would just give her space.

 

I really did feel like I didn't have any feelings for her. Do you know that really empty, cold feeling inside? Nothing. I wanted to feel, but didn't. What happened? Then we broke up, and all the feelings came rushing back: insane. What maybe bothers me a bit is that I didn't explain to her in every deatil what happened: how the thinking+studying messed up my head, how my feelings came rushing back etc.

 

Would it have been possible to be together despite what I had said? Maybe I'm overdoing it. I'm quite confused, in the summer she said she liked me , but didn't know what she wanted? Didn't want me to be with someone else? Wtf? She could have said "let's just take it slow, I have never been in a relationship blabla.."

 

If someone wants to be with you, wouldn't they want to believe you, and want to know what happened? Work it out? I even asked her later if she believed me. She said "I guess I believe you, but it doesn't seem like it". We were at a party a few weeks later after I asked her to meet me. During the previous week at school I had gathered the balls to just go talk to her and her friends, even though I knew they had been talking loads of BS about me. I asked her to the movies, but she couldn't go. Then she was also rather rude at school, and I guess I got kinda pissed after that I had done so much to just prove myself. I avoided her quite alot at the party we were at. She said it didn't seem like I liked her, because I avoided her etc.

 

It's all so immature BS that I can't believe it. I hate that I'm in the position that I feel like everything I do either works for me or against me. If I do something that makes her feel like I don't like her, avoid her or something, it makes me feel like crap. I went really low at some points.

 

Why am I thinking about her almost all the time? I'm pretty much NC with her, I see her at school everyday, and we almost sit next to each other in class. At some point, a few months ago she went really cold at school. No eye-contact or anything. I wished her happy holidays, and asked on FB how her christmas eve had been. That's the last time I started convo with her. She came and asked me after new years how my new years eve was. She asked my friend too how my new years eve was, did I have girls or anything. Why would she ask if she didn't care? Last time we spoke on FB was 2 weeks ago. She started convo. I'm pretty much NC with her. She doesn't even look at me in school. I don't want to think about her, or the whole case, but it's still spinning in my head and it's getting out of hand. Has anyone been in this kind of situation? When you feel like you have to do everything to prove yourself, just for the sake of honesty. And when you feel like you killed something beyond repair, but tried atleast almost everything to fix it?

 

I'm past the hope point. I don't know what point I'm at now. I really had the hots for this chick, and she preasumably had it for me too? Or am I wrong? Why would she string me along during the summer? Did she actually like me? Will I get some peace at some point? I shouldn't be thinking about it anymore, she clearly didn't feel it as much as I did. But it's like I'm forcing myself not to move on? I want to, but can't? Can somone explain, or atleast guess?

 

Thank you!