singledad2010 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 This site has helped me out a lot over the past 4 months, mainly in the Separation and Divorce board and here is my first post. My stbx had an affair, lied about it (I had to research records for proof) then moved out of our house of 9 years in November. We have a 5 year old daughter that we split time equally with. I am here now looking for some advice and/or ideas on how to deal with a person who constantly lies after we both agree to terms and conditions on raising our daughter. I am over my stbx but I am finding it very difficult dealing with the inconsistencies of her behavior since we both have to raise our daughter together. I am the more stable and structured half since my wife occasionally leaves my daughter at a friends house to go out to work events or personal stuff, which always includes drinking and late nights (found out of these via third party). My issue now is we agreed not to introduce our daughter to anyone unless we were in a serious relationship and at the time (about 2 weeks ago) she said she wasn’t in a relationship (probably another lie). She took my daughter skiing (a trip we planned 6 months ago) with mutual friends, I stayed back. I call to speak to my daughter on my buddy’s phone (her phone was dead) and was told she left to drive to the airport to pick up a guy in a blizzard some 2 hours away with my daughter. I seem to be consistently getting new / surprising information via a third party. Her life is always in constant flux, wings everything. Well I was naturally pis*ed about that but the kicker came when I talked to my daughter later that day and heard some other dude in the background with my little girl L. For the last 4 days I spoke to my little girl I have had to deal with this and am having a very hard time with my mind wandering. I wonder what my daughter might be seeing or exposed to, is she is in a hotel room with this new guy. I could go on but choose to stop the negative spiral. Thanks for reading and feel free to offer any hints or tips on how to deal with a lying sbtx who loves drama. I have been doing consoling the past 2 months.
tinktronik Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Unless it's specifically in your separation or divorce paperwork that your ex W cannot have friends that your daughter meets this is none of your business. Your going to have to work out in your head that your daughter has a whole half of her life that you are not involved in and do not make the decisions in.
Kitchee Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 тоже интересует данная тема.. -------------------
sally4sara Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 my wife occasionally leaves my daughter at a friends house to go out to work events or personal stuff, which always includes drinking and late nights. She took my daughter skiing (a trip we planned 6 months ago) with mutual friends I talked to my daughter later that day and heard some other dude in the background with my little girl L. It is hard to find trust in a person once they've betrayed you and I get that. I am also very aware of what can happen when two parents split and one of them lives a a problematic life. It helps to evaluate situations as though the adult dynamic that damaged the trust were separate from the events of now. If you and your wife had not split and there was no affair - Would your wife going to work events or having an adult social life be something you'd divorce over? Did you never employ a sitter to have date nights? Is it quite possible that the mutual friends included some men in the ranks? How does a male voice in the background stand as proof positive that your ex wife is dating one of them? Driving in a blizzard is risky. But to avoid it, she'd have to leave your daughter with someone else and this is something that you don't seem to appreciate. Had it been YOU she was picking up at the airport to join her, your daughter and mutual friends, would this all seem so out of line? You might need to relax, stop imagining disaster at every turn and recognize that the amount of child rearing experience you have is the same amount of experience your wife has. The child survived did it not? Or was your wife constantly having close calls, almost drowning the kid in the tub and it would have been dead now if not for you living in the home with it? If not, I think you're tormenting yourself too much with an over active imagination. Had the affair and divorce not happened, your kid would still constantly have new people coming into her life. New teachers for every grade. New staff at her pediatric visits. New friends you and other family members brought into the mix. What I get out of what you've shared is that its new men in your ex's life that has you on alert and the "crimes" of your ex wife are colored by your fear of being replaced in your daughter's heart. Even if it comes to pass that your ex finds a new mate - you'd have to pull monster duty for her to forget you're her daddy. I know this because my ex HAS done some atrocious things. My son witnessed some of them. I DO have a new mate that my son adores. Yet he still loves his father too.
tinktronik Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 It is hard to find trust in a person once they've betrayed you and I get that. I am also very aware of what can happen when two parents split and one of them lives a a problematic life. It helps to evaluate situations as though the adult dynamic that damaged the trust were separate from the events of now. If you and your wife had not split and there was no affair - Would your wife going to work events or having an adult social life be something you'd divorce over? Did you never employ a sitter to have date nights? Is it quite possible that the mutual friends included some men in the ranks? How does a male voice in the background stand as proof positive that your ex wife is dating one of them? Driving in a blizzard is risky. But to avoid it, she'd have to leave your daughter with someone else and this is something that you don't seem to appreciate. Had it been YOU she was picking up at the airport to join her, your daughter and mutual friends, would this all seem so out of line? You might need to relax, stop imagining disaster at every turn and recognize that the amount of child rearing experience you have is the same amount of experience your wife has. The child survived did it not? Or was your wife constantly having close calls, almost drowning the kid in the tub and it would have been dead now if not for you living in the home with it? If not, I think you're tormenting yourself too much with an over active imagination. Had the affair and divorce not happened, your kid would still constantly have new people coming into her life. New teachers for every grade. New staff at her pediatric visits. New friends you and other family members brought into the mix. What I get out of what you've shared is that its new men in your ex's life that has you on alert and the "crimes" of your ex wife are colored by your fear of being replaced in your daughter's heart. Even if it comes to pass that your ex finds a new mate - you'd have to pull monster duty for her to forget you're her daddy. I know this because my ex HAS done some atrocious things. My son witnessed some of them. I DO have a new mate that my son adores. Yet he still loves his father too. You said this so much better than I could have! Exactly right.
nsphere Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I don't know if I'm the best person to offer advice as I've ended a long term 9 year relationship myself from which we have a 6 year old son so take it with a grain of salt. I wouldn't focus on things you have no control over. It will drive you crazy if you constantly check up on things. I do worry about my son's safety all the time. To make me feel better, my son and I take parent/kid martial arts classes which teach self defense and stranger safety. I bought him a cell phone that he has with him to call me if he just wants to talk to me. I talk to him about what he should do if his safety is threatened and whom he should go to for help. What I don't do is ask him about his dad or talk bad about his dad. His dad is a good father and loves his son, he was just a lousy self-centered boyfriend/husband but that's not my son's problem. It doesn't really need to be mine either other than loving my son and doing what I can when he is with me. And when he isn't, I hope to spend more time figuring myself out as no one made me stay in that relationship as long as I did even though I knew things weren't right.
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