smashalasha Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 The feeling that you won't meet someone as good as, or better than, your ex. Obviously if I knew for sure that I was going to meet someone that I felt the same with and had the same feelings for, as I did with my ex, I would have no problem getting over my ex. What am I supposed to do? Does it just take time? Maybe it's because it's HIM I miss, not the feelings. I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. And is it ever possible for an ex to come back if you don't do NC?
Miko Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Focus on yourself. Start working out regularly (helps a ton). Be a little selfish, buy some new clothes, just focus on YOU for a while. You'll come out better than ever. Another thing I learned was that IF you can't help but think about your ex, try and avoid thinking about all the things you could have done together, that seemed to hurt a lot more than thinking about the things you did together. I don't know why it helps but it did for me. And yes it is possible for an ex to come back, it happens all the time but it doesn't usually seem like the fairytale that it did originally, which kind of sucks. And it usually happens once you've already given up on getting them back.
GreenPolicy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Another thing I learned was that IF you can't help but think about your ex, try and avoid thinking about all the things you could have done together, that seemed to hurt a lot more than thinking about the things you did together. I don't know why it helps but it did for me. When I think about my ex-fiancee, I don't think about exchanging vows in a chapel and then a honeymoon in Cozumel or whatever. I think about sitting in a conference room surrounded by lawyers signing divorce papers. I think about dropping my kids off at their mom and stepdad's house on Sunday night and then driving back to my one-bedroom apartment. And yes it is possible for an ex to come back, it happens all the time but it doesn't usually seem like the fairytale that it did originally, which kind of sucks. And it usually happens once you've already given up on getting them back. One thing that helps me is knowing that as many wonderful qualities as my ex fiancee had, our relationship was doomed to fail until she solves her abandonment/intimacy/commitment issues. One of three things would have happened: she would have called things off between formally getting engaged and the ceremony, we would have gotten divorced, or we would have had a marriage where I would have been frustrated at her allowing only so much intimacy and connection.
GreenPolicy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 We tend to trade up in relationships OP. I don't mean we always go on to date somebody better looking/smarter/more social status than our ex, although those qualities are nice, but the kind of intimacy and connection we forge with new partners tends to be better. If something doesn't start developing the way it did with our exes, we end it quickly. You never will settle for Hamburger Helper after having had steak.
Graceful Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) The feeling that you won't meet someone as good as, or better than, your ex. This is very easy. The person meant for you, who will come along, will not hurt you, will not jerk you around, will not leave you, will not dump you, will love you for you, will not bring you to a board like LS.... have I made myself clear? Your relationship will be loving, caring, fulfilling, rewarding, mutually satisfying, warm, filled with fun, good communication, compromises and learning. You will look up to him and he will look up to you in a healthy way. You will want the same things out of live. He will want to be part of you life, make you a priority, stick with you through thick and thin. You wil be there for each other. Have I made myself clear? Can you look back and say all that about your ex? Not possible, or you would be with him now. SO look forward to the real thing. If he was right for you, you would not be here. It really is that simple. Edited January 21, 2011 by Graceful
Author smashalasha Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 the kind of intimacy and connection we forge with new partners tends to be better. Yes, this is exactly what I meant. Thank you
Blue Gardenia Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 All of this advice is great. But the reality is, the next best relationship is not always waiting around the corner. It is good to hope for that, but not everyone meets two wonderful people. Obviously, if your relationship was toxic and fraught with conflict, or abusive, then there is nowhere else to go but UP! But if your relationship was beautiful but it did not work out for reasons that had nothing to do with personalities/temperament etc, then it is possible that the next relationship -- if it comes along -- may be "second-best". I don't mean to rain on your parade or extinguish hope. But sometimes we have to be pragmatic about the future. I lost someone I loved to madness, and I would go back to him if I could. I know i would be happy with him. He is happy with someone else. He didn't betray me, he was never unkind or demeaning. We just couldn't work certain things out....because we (he) gave up. Do I think I will meet someone just as wonderful as him? no. Do I think i will meet someone who will go the distance with me? Perhaps. I know this much, though. When we broke up, HE found someone right away, and at that point he realized that he had something BETTER. I can say that without doubt.
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