dng Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Hi folks, For those of you following my story, the last two days have brought alot of closure to me. The emotional fog has finally lifted and now I can see a little more clearly what happened and why its a good thing. I was going through a rough time in my life when she left, for reasons unrelated directly to her. A depression of sorts, a small one but major enought that I wasn't able to keep her at the center of my life anymore, I needed help but she didn't notice so I just turned to my friends, riding, training, and more activities. I never stopped being there for her but I needed something, help, that I knew she couldn't give me. She was doing super well in her life and had no time to deal with this. And so she notices I wasn't with her as much anymore, I was elsewhere, all of sudden she's not getting all her validation from me anymore so she bounced and went to get it elsewhere. When the times got difficult for me, she left with no real explanations. It was temporary, needed to find herself again, etc. What she needed to find was someone who admired her, to get that validation again, that is what's "herself": somebody else who likes her above anything else. Clearly only a kid can ever provide her with that and she'll be happy when she has one to smother. The guy will be in trouble. During the breakup, whenever she felt she lost her newly found place as the center of attention - is when she would attack me with calls and emails, to get that validation from me again. She has no empathy at all, to the point where she blamed everything that ever went bad between us on me while I was at my lowest point. She litterally drove me into the ground and I was in such a haze that I couldn't defend myself at all from her and I accepted the blame and it made me fight even stronger to change for her. Funnily enought, she went back to the city we met in, went back to working in the service industry, and is dating a guy that works at the bar where we met. She went back to what she was before she met me. Au revoir, short sighted person, and good riddance. Not that I'm not still feeling bad, but at least I feel complete and I understand what happened. There's alot more to it that I won't write about here, but for me, the last chapter has been written and the book is closed. I hope reading this can shake some of you into realizing you may have been or currenly be in the same situation. This person is not the right person for you either, just not a good match. Nobody exploits someone they profess to love in that manner, unless they have serious damage that you CANNOT fix. The right person doesn't blame you for every thing THEY ever did wrong, unless there's something wrong with YOU, and if there is, do something about it.
GoingInsane Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Your story sounds eerily similar to mine and like you, the fog has lifted a little for me this week. The two bits of advice which finally snapped me out of the obsessing and guilt (I felt guilty and at fault, even though she cheated) were: - the reason I was obsessively going over the relationship/breakup in my mind, was to try and find some new information which would give a different conclusion. There isn't one. We're broken up and its final. It doesn't matter what happened when, the conclusion/outcome is still the same. - if she truly loved me and didn't want to break my heart (as she said) she wouldn't have stuck around lying and cheating. The reason she did was because she's a coward, not because she was trying to protect me. I know this is obvious advice, but for some reason this week its stuck. I'm glad the fog has lifted for you too dng.
Author dng Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Your story sounds eerily similar to mine and like you, the fog has lifted a little for me this week. The two bits of advice which finally snapped me out of the obsessing and guilt (I felt guilty and at fault, even though she cheated) were: - the reason I was obsessively going over the relationship/breakup in my mind, was to try and find some new information which would give a different conclusion. There isn't one. We're broken up and its final. It doesn't matter what happened when, the conclusion/outcome is still the same. - if she truly loved me and didn't want to break my heart (as she said) she wouldn't have stuck around lying and cheating. The reason she did was because she's a coward, not because she was trying to protect me. I know this is obvious advice, but for some reason this week its stuck. I'm glad the fog has lifted for you too dng. Its a good feeling, isn't it? At least now you decided you knew enought to let it go. I still think about this all of the time but in terms of loss and no longer in terms of what I should have done or not done.
broken-and-lost Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Hi folks, For those of you following my story, the last two days have brought alot of closure to me. The emotional fog has finally lifted and now I can see a little more clearly what happened and why its a good thing. I was going through a rough time in my life when she left, for reasons unrelated directly to her. A depression of sorts, a small one but major enought that I wasn't able to keep her at the center of my life anymore, I needed help but she didn't notice so I just turned to my friends, riding, training, and more activities. I never stopped being there for her but I needed something, help, that I knew she couldn't give me. She was doing super well in her life and had no time to deal with this. And so she notices I wasn't with her as much anymore, I was elsewhere, all of sudden she's not getting all her validation from me anymore so she bounced and went to get it elsewhere. When the times got difficult for me, she left with no real explanations. It was temporary, needed to find herself again, etc. What she needed to find was someone who admired her, to get that validation again, that is what's "herself": somebody else who likes her above anything else. Clearly only a kid can ever provide her with that and she'll be happy when she has one to smother. The guy will be in trouble. During the breakup, whenever she felt she lost her newly found place as the center of attention - is when she would attack me with calls and emails, to get that validation from me again. She has no empathy at all, to the point where she blamed everything that ever went bad between us on me while I was at my lowest point. She litterally drove me into the ground and I was in such a haze that I couldn't defend myself at all from her and I accepted the blame and it made me fight even stronger to change for her. Funnily enought, she went back to the city we met in, went back to working in the service industry, and is dating a guy that works at the bar where we met. She went back to what she was before she met me. Au revoir, short sighted person, and good riddance. Not that I'm not still feeling bad, but at least I feel complete and I understand what happened. There's alot more to it that I won't write about here, but for me, the last chapter has been written and the book is closed. I hope reading this can shake some of you into realizing you may have been or currenly be in the same situation. This person is not the right person for you either, just not a good match. Nobody exploits someone they profess to love in that manner, unless they have serious damage that you CANNOT fix. The right person doesn't blame you for every thing THEY ever did wrong, unless there's something wrong with YOU, and if there is, do something about it. Man your story sounds very much like mine in many ways i've blamed myself for everything and so has she even the nice stuff i did she put a bad slant on it i'd lots wrong and i feel like i'm in the toilet still but reading your story does give me hope, i really hope the mist clears soon as i can't take much more of the guilt and non sleeping
swfc_77 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 im in the same boat. i made the mistake of talking to the ex over xmas, it started out fairly civil but soon turned to talk of our relationship. blamed everything that ever went bad between us on me i had that dng, i did fight back though. she was blaming me for not opening a savings account with her to buy a house, even though she had gone off with some else and we'd only been back together 2 months. i told her that she couldn't expect me to make such a big decision so soon after getting back together, she needed to show me she'd changed and realised her mistakes. she also blamed me for numerous other things, why do they do this? glad your doing better dng. we'll all get there in the end. i still have these strange feelings for my ex, not love. i think about her still and feel empty but i dont want her so why does she even enter my head in the first place.
Author dng Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 i still have these strange feelings for my ex, not love. i think about her still and feel empty but i dont want her so why does she even enter my head in the first place. I bet its because you always tried to protect and to save her and now you feel like you failed her. Typical guy feelings. You could probably never do anything for her in the first place, no one can. Its a mistake to think you can help people get better, your better is not their better, and everybody follows their own course. People develop dynamics together. She always blamed everything on you and you always took the blame and tried to do the right thing, tried to be more like her because she seemed to know what she was doing. And it worked, why not continue.
swfc_77 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 to be fair i was rather laid back and let her do her own things socially, work wise i pushed her, she has now got a really good job and doing well at college. not all thanks to me of course but i'd like to think i helped career wise. the blame thing, i can only suggest that they are probably seeking to pass the blame on to feel less guilty, validate their own reasons for their actions. i just think about her sometimes and its annoying me, lol. im sorry for hijacking your thread a bit, i just saw the blame thing and could relate to that. chin up people
Author dng Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 to be fair i was rather laid back and let her do her own things socially, work wise i pushed her, she has now got a really good job and doing well at college. not all thanks to me of course but i'd like to think i helped career wise. the blame thing, i can only suggest that they are probably seeking to pass the blame on to feel less guilty, validate their own reasons for their actions. i just think about her sometimes and its annoying me, lol. im sorry for hijacking your thread a bit, i just saw the blame thing and could relate to that. chin up people And I tend to be caught up in my own thing and apply it to everyone Cheers.
bl22 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Feeling alot better myself tbh. can see things clearer now and wouldnt even think of getting back with her if she tried now. Shes sly and deceitful, its a shame cause i loved her and we had a great bond. Ah well, lesson learned.
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