sinnister Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) About it not being the dumper's fault. I was in a 19 month internet exclusive relationship. Using various online camming and IM software...we spent thousands of hours of time together..doing EVERYTHING together but intimate stuff (but simulating...masturbating...all kinds of visual intimate stuff)...since we started while I was in the recession and working for certifications before being able to get back into Uni...we spend starting off maybe 6 hours a day with each other...got engaged after about 9 months...and really stepped up the immersion to 14 minimum...sleeping with our cameras on..to the point to with the time difference (I was US..she was UK)...she even started to wake me very early cause I was battling extreme insomnia..due to sleeping pill overuse..trying to rush time to get to a point where we met. We may have argued Bi-monthly...but very small things...mostly based on space n lack of sleep or the little money she would loan me to get me by lean periods...none of my friends or family believed in the relationship as well..so they gave me another outside negative vibe...but friends were warming..I was living with my mum the whole time we were together...but had paid her far that enough to lower the pressure..but it would never stop..but we kept pushing. Still I was able to pay back her loans as I entered University in the beginning of this year....with her help with the entrance fees (I know little of this matters..but I'm trying to be as fair and open as possible about all of this)..but I punished myself for finally being able to have a definite ENDPOINT to our wait...and took so many hours in coursework..which I needed a second hobby, video games, to offset the stress. She got a job as a Au Pair..but taking her laptop with her, she patched me into her job, so I had to both be there visually to both her and the child she was working with. Still...that was a phase...and we had worked through that..pushing on to December...after a budgetting problem, while thinking her Au Pair job would last long enough to get to me...but still thought if not my summer dispersement could be used as a payback to make up any difference (don't hate this was my future wife needing to see me..very important in the scholastic progress)..it was not matched to what I would've gotten in the Fall, that I did not attend. With this in mind..she ended up getting a job in a Middle Eastern..but Christian country. Once there, they put her in slavery...she had to tutor English to 3 preteens 7 days a week, 12 hours MIN a day...for 3 months...they didn't pay her crap either...ended up being 2/hour..but she stayed in a pretty posh resort (very important: but the resort bar still made her pay for liquor...she worked for the owner). I don't know..I was still Skyping so I didn't live it. Long story short..she was unable to help me that last time for the whole semester..cause they NEVER paid her for 2 months...caused strain...but suddenly...she turned. Citing some Nationalistic conversion...it was the same symptoms you describe here. She cheated with a local..but not sexually YET...starting with some casual dancing...I was a month away from being able to pay back what would be her very last loan to me..which wasn't even that ****ing much and just to get petro for Summer semester cause my means barely covered books and tuition and NO ONE in my family wanted to give me a loan..cause they wanted to keep using her (she was paid fully back in January with gifts and money..so don't start dogging me for a ****ty fam environ...HERS WAS FAR WORSE ON HER..but they didn't know about me..too shameful in that country to have an online relationship). So we break up after I find out about it..with her citing many weird and conflicting reasons...like "I wanna grow"..when SHE was the one that pushed our engagement...up until I did it..we talked ENDLESSLY about our children and familiy lives..and how we'd do it differently and how she loved me more than life itself...all kinds of ****...but her WHOLE PERSONALITY CHANGED. Every drop...she wanted to party more..hung out with skanks and pimps (social term..not actual)...just people she wouldn't normally....and her new friend was brazen about cheating on her boyfriend...so I guess it put the thought in her head..and I'm here 8000 miles away at this point freaking out. We had some signs of reconciliation in the first month..but I couldn't really grasp this new guy STILL being in my life....she was falling for him...FB chats daily..besides sleep..she met his family. I mean...my bottom was falling out...and getting worse. Longer story short..she got colder and colder to me as she returned to the UK..we flirted with talking about at this point reconciliation to be pushed off until December..cause I immediately tried to complete our two year built up MEET...that we'd been planning on so long to complete our first phase of the relationship..going through so much **** to get to that point. She was attending Uni at the time...which would've helped me out with the time balancing TREMENDOUSLY...as she had not been in school the year prior..so I had to serve as her premium entertainment. I tried to get her into side projects..but she was addicted to me...which makes her turn seem so insane. I thought it was due to the overwork..coupled with my anger at how messed up the pay system was...we rarely really fought over it..but I vented at the inefficiency...and I blamed her for being so passive about it all...not overbearingly..but we had NO time together after a certain point..she had NO privacy there..and soon they took her off into the mountains where there was NO INTERNET CONNECTION anymore. She started changing after a 3 week stint..to when I was finally able to call out there...there was dogs barking at all kinds of night. I thought it was slavery plus sensory overload. This is so damn complex..but I'm sure people will flame and troll anyway...but yeah..the breakup was based on a total love of the country. So we set up these hotel rooms to talk...she was initially supposed to stay with me there..so we can talk intimately...unblocked...had fun touring. She became colder and colder...so it became just me out there...but 5 days before my flight she made up a close-call kidnapping story, where some guy didn't stop when she needed..and led her off so she can be saved by another stranger..crazily traumatic to hear...but made it to falsely say she feared for her safety to take a tram to meet me and have to walk for any stretch of time LOL..that I only found out was false later when I was there...and compared me to this kidnapper. I got incredibly angry about it..and she put me on speakerphone...granted this new guy was still a part of her life..but she lied about how much they talked and how important he was...bumming money from me right before the kidnapping story. Now, with me going Mel Gibson about that crazy comparsion...her roommates forbade her to meet me off the plane, even as we had already set up a room for her to be alone for the night to meet me in the morning...had to pay cancellation fees for that. I never got to meet her...citing sickness...I was out there in expensive rooms...set up earlier because they were going to be close to her University. I find later that even as she had initially planned to revisit than country to take my Christmas away from me...the one we planned for so long...she had told me she didn't have the money to go anymore...so I gave her some..not to do..I was happy....but IT WAS A LIE. After feigning being sick so she wouldn't meet me..I contacted one of her friends to check up on her..this was the closest one I knew..and she was from the foreign country she had worked in the summer..the one that cheated on her bf. She told me..that even as she had spoken to her JUST the day before and at this point a week had gone by since the incident...she didn't know she was either sick or had been nearly kidnapped. I lost it. Needless to say, I threatened to inform her family and friends about the lying and the extreme personality changes..some knew at that point we were engaged..but having problems. She got a restraining order on me shortly thereafter. So...when you get someone ****ing very confuse all of a sudden..heed the advice and RUN. Unfortuately for me..this was a VERY complicated and built-up relationship...i was succeeding like hell in Uni...and she was proud..until that dude was so far in her life. AND THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON...except she loved that country. They had sex..before I had even met her...when she went for Christmas..having lied to me saying she wasn't going. I have a restraining order..for constantly being there for her...learning and understanding and just staying there for her..all of that time...and another guy sexes her first. She's 20 and I'm dying. Throughout the whole relationship..she had NEVER lied to me..I know..cause it was some hard stuff she had to admit at times..not bad...but she was VERY open to me. I don't even know who this new person is....but she's now out of my life forever..and I've talked this relationship up so much...resisting any naysaying about it...or her faithfulness...just took it on my shoulders...and was so close to completing the first part...and she got on this conversion kick and now she claims to be in love with this stranger...to both of us. I can't believe my life right now..but I'm now a hermit....started because we spent so much time together..then cemented cause "the thirst" hit me and I just wanted to absorb her physically....then deepened cause of the cheating and breakup..cause I wanted as few people to know of it as possible...mum heard it cause walls were thin (I'm leaving after this semi..so don't flame me for living with)...then the complete failure after spending thousands of dollars to try to get her back with such a disastrous result...I NEVER THREATENED HER PHYSICALLY...NEVER...just threatened exposing how much of a lying bitch she'd become and had stayed and what I thought led t it....just wanted to really talk.....thousands wasted in my first trip abroad...to save this...and a damned restraining order...started venting to her friends this week...and from it is where I found from her that they'd had sex during her Christmas trip and she had fallen in love with him. I just think IT IS the dumper's fault, cause the weird breakup and the mixed signals can drive a regular human mad. And when you add another person into your problem...of the opposite sex...you set off an EXTREME urgency with the other person...they are NOW FIGHTING FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP LIVES..if they don't think of you as a f--king slut. Which she had no indication of being...while also...putting that negotiation...putting your selfishness on an actual perch over the other person..when relationships rely on equal respect. You're so invested..you're now trying to win over someone that has it easy....you piss her off...or make her have to think...or have to dig in her conscience...he's waiting on the other end to wash it off..immediately,-and still get the bonus cache of being easy for her, ON TOP of in this case taking ALL of the yearn, positive energy, love, personal growth, positve memories untainted.....away from me, she never rested to think about it..and couldn't..cause I was there in tremendous pain..ther were so many ramifications...we were finally gonna meet that Christmas...I had ****ing stayed faithful for nearly 2 years..and hadn't had sex in nearly 3. -I ****ing hate the OP...life is bull****-I'd even promised her a free trip back to that place, responsibility free to enjoy the sights....no..the needed to have that guy in my life...he was a good friend of friend..and there was starting to be no room in her life for me anymore... You would think that if you had ANY respect for the relationship at all, you could WAIT AND HAVE NO ONE in your heart if you didn't have me until it was settled....but you have some people so scared to lose..they can't be alone....or it was over and I was getting played...but who would go through all of that trouble. Again..she was a very passive person..but not to me...I brought her heart out..but it seemed that I was the only one she was really assertive with....I didn't know all of this before I fell for her. But there's so much tied into this..and now so much wasted and I have this huge gulf in my soul...it is the dumper's fault...for being so damned selfish...there are ramifications for "feelings"...you can't just blindside people..especially with another person..if there's too much pressure....slow down the relationship...EVEN IF YOU SPED IT UP...don't be a coward...some people are capable of understanding....I just compare my saga to...once that guy came into my life...I was like an XP computer with a driver problem...I was almost me again..but kept rebooting....and I could never stop as long as he was there...and I probably blew 9 novels worth of text to get her back...cause we were so close and talked so much beforehand...hours...months of hours...to have NOTHING at the end...not even met her. And EVERYONE expects this to be something you can get over in 2 weeks..cause it was internet..so despite the time commitment..and everything shared...you were never real..even if you told so many this was your fiancee...she loved me to spread it...then it seemed she used the WEAKEST THING IMAGINABLE to RUIN MY NAME, MY LIFE, AND **** THIS STRANGER BEFORE ME...as loyalty to her new country...which seems to be a form of remaking...redefining herself...when the first 9 months of our relationship was rebuilding her self-esteem in the first place...she was beautiful....but because of a cold family life and bad relationships...just felt COMPLETELY **** about herself. It took her literally a month to finally be comfortable with camming HER FACE! Hours of begging...I literally got more time with her c--t..than her face before we got engaged. Edited January 21, 2011 by sinnister Typo-Addt'l info
aerogurl87 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I'm gonna be honest here and say that you can't have a real relationship if it was ONLY online and for that length of time especially. And you got engaged before ever meeting, how and why are my questions? Did you propose to her over cam and then send her the ring? I'm not trying to be mean but maybe she realized the ridiculousness of that. Maybe she found someone closer and liked the companionship. Not saying it's right, but you know people need one on one interaction even in LDRs. I'm sorry your hurting right now, but this whole story is f*cked up.
Author sinnister Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 And she shows NO REMORSE for it...no ****ing conscience....I get that that place numbed her...plus she'd turned into a heavy drinker out there and both her slave boss and friends gave her drugs...in her bosses cause..some kind of sleeping or relaxing tobacco that isn't weed...(supposedly non-malicious, seems weird how ****ed things got after that..and how much of a pet and defender of her she became)..and her friends mostly weed. But she actually defended the work there...the long hours, she was sick constantly...probably trying to get used to various germs and foods....had the runs and puking. And I'm there on Skype seeing this...in the beginning..and the very last real day of our relationship...WE HAD THE MOST FUN ON HER SICK DAYS...but yes...SHE WAS SICK...we never had a well day off...I hated that..and it all seemed to become white noise...but I wasn't just always complaining...the averages were so off..cause we never had a chance like other things to talk it out....diluted our problems..so they wouldn't seem more critical than they were...so little things and bigger things just stood there. The bosses used so many excuses as to why not to pay....the bank code didn't work=they had thought it was US instead of UK...just so much weirdness..till finally at the end of July, she had to Western Union me the cash....It was the last time, swear on my life, I was going to ever need her. I went overboard..taking care of old affairs..and my mum...so I could spend the first meet..completely spoiling each other...and started saving either then or next year cause I was seeking a stint abroad..and year at the UK school so we can be close finally. We had the ****ing perfect relationship..except for the time intensity..she was there CONSTANTLY..even when she worked or went out....she would call whenever she could...in the end, she blamed me for being obsessed with me....but it was love to. I know it....and most was from this intimacy gap I keep telling people...you love someone and you yearn them...she cried for needing hugs and stuff..and I was on my way...it just got hard in that Middle Eastern place..and we lost the connection...she immediately put it into someone else at my moment of weakness. And we talked and the reason she claimed we couldn't get back together was because she couldn't trust herself to be faithful to me anymore...she could have feelings for other men. When penned down...it was just this dude....that her skank friend had introduced her to...they danced ONCE..and spooned inappropriately...before we broke up...been inseparable and she's been a liar since, in my estimation. So I know there's a lot of complex **** going on here. I just don't know how to deal right now.
Author sinnister Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I'm gonna be honest here and say that you can't have a real relationship if it was ONLY online and for that length of time especially. And you got engaged before ever meeting, how and why are my questions? Did you propose to her over cam and then send her the ring? I'm not trying to be mean but maybe she realized the ridiculousness of that. Maybe she found someone closer and liked the companionship. Not saying it's right, but you know people need one on one interaction even in LDRs. I'm sorry your hurting right now, but this whole story is f*cked up. Nah...she has the same type of relationship with the new guy...LDR. He's in the Middle Eastern country...she claims to be in love with him after ****ing after 4 months of actually knowing him. We were gonna meet in the December after that summer..it was so close..and with him in my life, I really couldn't control my hurt and anger and fear after waiting for so long and being Skyped into that hell hole. The other workers tried to turn the boss and children against her for being sick..cause they were more overworked than she was, being trying to work off coming from the Philippines. She was taken to various posh engagements...even meeting the president of the country....but rushed so much everywhere she once had to use 2 days worth of clothes to go a week and a half. I just blamed her not putting a foot down about the schedule...and just saying no. Initially blamed the cheating on being a slave of the moment....but she was delusional since that period...even revising our relationship after the fact, saying she never wanted it in the first place..when she was so far addicted...nvrmind. I just think it's a very overworked and frantic mind of a college student..unable to have peace...cause it's constantly making more bad decisions..to keep from having to think about the previous ones. No empathy or rationale right now...just doing...and covering for it. And ****ing him was a means to shut the door on us and her confusion (or just willingness to think about ANYTHING she took from me)..permanently..as well as bringing the police in. Just more walls and people she can tell herself are blocking her from me..and with my reactions...sating her conscience cause I look like a maniac...when I've only spent 5 months trying to save and defend my engagement...yes it was quickly...but if you knew how connected we were...slow down could've been on the table..I wasn't rushing..but I KNEW she was the girl for me..and we kept talking about it, Our future..not by me. She built this up...we argued about the meaning (playfully) of unconditional love. Just so much ****...
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Sinnister, I know you are in pain and you've been through a big mess, but I think you need to focus on yourself now and let go of this girl. You sound obsessed, and that's very unhealthy. Actually, it sounds like you and she had an obsessive relationship, and now she is done with that. When you are in a healthy relationship, it does not look at all like the one you described, even when things were "good."
Author sinnister Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Sinnister, I know you are in pain and you've been through a big mess, but I think you need to focus on yourself now and let go of this girl. You sound obsessed, and that's very unhealthy. Actually, it sounds like you and she had an obsessive relationship, and now she is done with that. When you are in a healthy relationship, it does not look at all like the one you described, even when things were "good." THe distance made it obsessive...we'd both had a rough patch beforehand...and it was the intimacy gap..she could think of NOTHING but me..but I KNEW college life would handle that...we could collaborate and go of to do our own things. It's just someone goes out of their way to put this huge imprint in your head...but cried when I needed some space..but it was the distance...the relationship was healthy...we've NEVER been as open and honest with ANYONE as we were with each other...I never called to check to see where she was..she might have me..but again, I know what she needed. She got what she needed. I was completely faithful but now she's out of my life forever anyway. I will make my peace with this...****..it's only a month after all the critical **** happened....everyone expects cause it was internet for me to just die or get deleted and some ****. Am I not a damn human with real emotions and feelings...most people wouldn't have broke up for any of the **** we did...especially with the circumstances..but I got blamed for her cheating...cause I didn't trust her completely with that boss, when I would've paid her back with interest. Despite what people think...when it was good it was perfect....I sang to her...we spent so much time planning the future..watching movies and TV shows on shared screen. Im in film so I went over many of my ideas with her...she pretty much picked her Uni major based on MY advice...not control...advice....researched hundreds of hours to fix and purchase her new computers and speed up old ones. It just wasn't two people shooting the ****...we had A MILLION things in common...equally yolked...her family was the inverse of mine growing up but I was only living with one...but her family is VERY COLD..and judgmental or apathetic about the things she went through in life. She's just very passive...having allowed some Indian dude off a trip to rub her arms over a ten hour flight and not having the creep arrested..she just doesn't like rocking the boat. So when she had to defend our relationship to her boss, cause they were ****ing up and she needed to finally help me out one last time...they used her...I'm sure it was drug out to make a disconnect, so they would continue using her cause I was trying to find what to do besides being sick to get her a day off. I'm sorry for all of this..but we loved each other..the adoration could've been less on her end..but it was real...and it would've been sated with our initimate time finally...but 4 months out..everything failed and for a power trip..she decided to bring another man into my life..maybe initially to make me jealous..but I responded in the worst way possible to it...like any man would. She just needed rest..but I couldn't give it to her, with that man hovering..with them still talking and it has destroyed me... I won't ever recover..but I'm no longer obsessed with it...this is just to get some peace...just found out Sunday after threatening to expose her actions to her friends that they had ****ed....so I'm dealing with it. And along with all that happened when I tried to meet her...earning a restraining order instead of the 10 min meet I soon settled for, I understand the permanence now. But I've talked this up for so long and no one believe and believed later that she would/was ever faithful before then...and I've built this up..and her and now I can't show my face again.....and I know who she was before all of this.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I haven't read everything you wrote, there's loads of it and it's hard to read as it's so angry. Being so angry will eat you up and I know what I'm talking about, my ex left me after 18 years and now lives with a friend of mine, so count yourself lucky because it could be worse, and you never actually met the woman you're talking about. He didn't cheat on me, so it could have been worse, but he was the love of my life and we were incredibly compatible and loved each other deeply, it is not always the dumper's fault, it takes two to make things work, my ex is a wonderful person but we just couldn't stay together as partners anymore. We are good friends and still meet up, I have a new partner now. It's not rational or wise IMO to call yourself partners when you've not met, I also think people who think they have a potential to be partners should meet as soon as possible as you won't know for sure if you will click until you meet. You can't let this eat you up, it's yourself you're harming, it's not a crime to leave someone, yes people make promises or say things and they change their minds or cheat, s*** happens, you have to move on.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 You WILL recover btw, if I did anyone can, my ex left about 18 months ago, thought I'd never get through it, the depression and despair was horrendous.
eidolon Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Hoo boy, that was a tough read. First off, I'll say that I can sympathize pretty well with the obsessiveness in your relationship, and in thinking that you'll never get over it. It's a very difficult task, but you need to not dwell on all of this. Talk to other people about things that AREN'T her. Man, **** her. I mean, that was all pretty hard to understand, so I dont understand your relationship completely, but there's no need to keep holding on to someone who isn't strong or assertive enough to help themselves out of the type of work situation she was in. It was weak of her to fall in to all that partying bs. Like you said, she's an entirely different person now. Is she still the woman you loved at the core? I don't know. It's hard letting go. In my case I was starting to get over the break up because of two great friends- I too posted here that my heart would never heal. It hasn't yet, but it takes time and effort and it's getting there. It's a ****ed up situation. Entirely. But maybe you should just take it as experience. Move on for your sake. I have to add that her age- maybe yours too- has a lot to do with it. It's an age where she wants to sample the appetizers of youth- pick around and learn about other people and herself. This does not excuse her, but it's what happened. My heart goes out to you, man. You can pull yourself through this. If you had the dedication and heart to try that hard to salvage the relationship, you definitely have the strengh to heal yourself and relinquish her from within you.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 i know you said this on your post but if i was that girl and i am having a relationship with a guy i haven't seen, given him money for school...and looks like our future is vague...well, i will just look for something real than that.
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