mmiller5373 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Background information: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=260026 To summarize, we dated on and off for about 2.5 years. We had an amazing first year or so together with relatively no problems at all. But things just didn't work out in the end and she left me in August 2010 at a point in my life when I was already feeling down. I was unemployed and had to move about 4 hours away from her to move in with my Mom. Because of that, I kind of obsessed over the breakup and did a lot of the desperate things a dumpee isn't suppose to do (calling too much, crying, begging, snooping...) My ex is 23 (I'm 24) and she was a virgin. YES, the entire time we dated we didn't do a sexual thing together. Not a single thing. This made the relationship much more special to me because she wanted to wait for marriage. It's tough to find a girl like that in today's world. It's been about 5 months since she broke up with me and as some people on this board know, when she left me she said let's be friends and who knows, maybe it can work with us in a year. We know that wasn't true because truth be told that she really left me for another guy. A guy that she was probably emotionally cheating on with me with for months. I don't care what anyone else says, that's why she left me... to pursue this other guy. So here's the news. I had kind of heard some things through the grape vine that my ex, let's call her Jean, was having some serious family problems and that there was some drama going on. Well yesterday I get a phone from Jean's brother-in-law and we talked about myself, him and his wife, and even about the breakup a little bit. Towards the end of the conversation, he started to drop some hints that something had happened to Jean that was going to change her life forever. He said, if there's such a thing as Karma, it's already come back around and bit her in the a**. She's pregnant and is getting married. Jean leaves me for this other guy in August. She lies about her reasons to me and to all of her family members... in fact, she even hides this guy from her family up until the end of October. Now, according to her brother-in-law, Jean was really infatuated with this guy and the family didn't understand it. He had absolutely nothing going for him where I did. Your textbook Jerk and she fell for him. I'm the nice guy. In turn, she basically tells her family some lies about me to make me out to be the bad guy. So sometime in November, she decides to let go of her virginity with this guy and ends up getting pregnant. A few weeks later she finally lets her family know about it and says that she meant for it to happen and that her and her boyfriend are going to get married. The boyfriend moves into the family's apartment in December and they start planning the wedding. Sometime in September, the family started to question the boyfriend's behavior. He was always disappearing for a while and his stories didn't seem to add up. They did some digging and found out that he's not who he says he is and that he's lying about where he works at. As of now, he's saying he doesn't want to get married to Jean anymore. Point being, WHAT THE F***??????????? ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS? I waited 2.5 years and got nothing from her? Not a thing? And 2-3 months later she gives it up to this douche bag and gets knocked up? And now they're getting married. It's only been 5 months since we broke up. Seriously, WTF.
PegNosePete Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 You dodged a bullet there mate. If you'd got married (or even worse she got pregnant to you) then you'd be right up the sh#tter now.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 K-A-R-M-A Who cares if you're dumped, at least that's not your baby, and you won't have to pay child support.
bl22 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Wow ive followed your story on here since the begining and this is a shock to me. Im sorry for this news cause i know if i heard that from my recent ex, id be devastated cause thats everything I wanted in the future with her. Lets just say that most couples who get married after a few months tend to break down.
Billy_Boy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 She left you 5 months ago dude, time to move on. Dwelling on it, trying to figure out what shes doing and who she is doing it with is not helping you and your life one bit. WHo cares where she is, or what shes doing, shes doing her thing. And its mad weird that you didn't have sex with her after 2 years... makes me wonder if she was just using you like an emotional tampon. In which case you should be thankful shes out of your life and let her go. I guess I personally am a weirdo, when I split with someone I instantly go NC because thats the only way I feel like I can function, and NC extends to my mind as well, I just push them out of my head and out of my life and move on.
AC06 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 In the same kinda boat dude, my ex and I did NOTHING sexual our entire relationship (and she's a hella good looking girl), and there's a part of me that kinda expects the same thing to arise. And while it'd cut me deep... long term, who's the fool? I'm sure it stings now, and I expect to feel that same sting, but even I know that you're the one who'll come out of this situation better off. She left you 5 months ago dude, time to move on. Dwelling on it, trying to figure out what shes doing and who she is doing it with is not helping you and your life one bit. While I partly agree, everyone is different and has a different process and recovery time, and clearly this is a pretty big deal for him personally.
Billy_Boy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 In the same kinda boat dude, my ex and I did NOTHING sexual our entire relationship (and she's a hella good looking girl), and there's a part of me that kinda expects the same thing to arise. And while it'd cut me deep... long term, who's the fool? I'm sure it stings now, and I expect to feel that same sting, but even I know that you're the one who'll come out of this situation better off. While I partly agree, everyone is different and has a different process and recovery time, and clearly this is a pretty big deal for him personally. I dont disagree that its a big deal to him, but damn, 5 months? At some point you have to consciously let go, accept that they're gone and move on... I know that that amount of time is differnt for everybody, but by month 5? I dunno... to me it sounds like he is dwelling unhealthily, talking to his Ex, family, following what shes doing etc... who cares? He is just punishing himself.
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 K-A-R-M-A Who cares if you're dumped, at least that's not your baby, and you won't have to pay child support. I always knew something would come around and get her for what she did to me... just never thought it would be this soon. And yes, I am very glad I'm not the one with the baby coming and that she has to deal with all the trouble. It's kind of sad for her...
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Wow ive followed your story on here since the begining and this is a shock to me. Im sorry for this news cause i know if i heard that from my recent ex, id be devastated cause thats everything I wanted in the future with her. Lets just say that most couples who get married after a few months tend to break down. It's already starting to break down as you can tell. They will either get married and he'll cheat on her with some other woman, and leave her... or he will just disappear before the marriage even starts. I'm counting on the latter.
Art_Critic Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 She's pregnant and is getting married. Wish her well then... When someone moves on and leaves no room for the door to be open ie: gets married and is preggers then you have no choice but to put it down and move on yourself...
Art_Critic Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 It's already starting to break down as you can tell. They will either get married and he'll cheat on her with some other woman, and leave her... or he will just disappear before the marriage even starts. I'm counting on the latter. Wish her well instead of trying to make it look like she made a mistake..
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 She left you 5 months ago dude, time to move on. Dwelling on it, trying to figure out what shes doing and who she is doing it with is not helping you and your life one bit. WHo cares where she is, or what shes doing, shes doing her thing. If you followed my story from the beginning, you'd see that I was unemployed, broke, living 4 hours away from her (and my friends), and living with my Mom from July-November. Like I said, she left me in August so the months August-November were hell to me. I was already feeling down on myself and I sat around the house feeling sorry for myself, dwelling, analyzing, and honestly thinking I could get her back. It wasn't until December (when I moved back and got an amazing job) that I realized she was gone and I was wasting my life away thinking about her. And its mad weird that you didn't have sex with her after 2 years... makes me wonder if she was just using you like an emotional tampon. In which case you should be thankful shes out of your life and let her go. It was a family/religous thing. She wanted to wait for marriage. Toward the end of the relationship (sometime in July) we almost had sex, but we stopped it before we got any further. She was always strong enough to walk away from situations like that. And who knows, man... there's so many theories out there... maybe she wasn't a virgin and she was just using that as a way to control me in the relationship (that's what my Mom said)... maybe this guy knew how to pull the moves on her like I didn't... maybe they were both drunk and she didn't know what she was doing... maybe she planned it... who the hell knows... I'll never know and I'm accepting the answers don't matter anyways.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 She's gonna be in for a world of hurt when it breaks down with the new guy and they have a kid to raise together. Seriously check out the Separation/divorce boards.
Billy_Boy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 You dont always get what you deserve, you get what you get... thats from House But in all seriousness, she isnt destined to fail, she might end up really happy after a rough patch with the new guy. Wouldnt that just chafe your buns? It shouldnt.
GreenPolicy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 OP, you are unhealthily obsessed with your ex. I am three months removed from getting dumped by my ex-fiancee. It still really hurts, but I have gone NC because that's the only way I am going to heal. I still think about her a lot, probably way more than I should. But I know that by going NC I am eventually going to get to where I need to be. You cannot stay friends with your ex, you cannot stay in touch, and you cannot seek out information about them online or through mutual friends/acquaintances. You have to let them go. I have found that it is hard enough to do that mentally and emotionally even when you're doing everything right, which is what I am doing. I cannot imagine how you are ever going to move on when you keep spinning your wheels like you are doing.
Billy_Boy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 OP, you are unhealthily obsessed with your ex. I am three months removed from getting dumped by my ex-fiancee. It still really hurts, but I have gone NC because that's the only way I am going to heal. I still think about her a lot, probably way more than I should. But I know that by going NC I am eventually going to get to where I need to be. You cannot stay friends with your ex, you cannot stay in touch, and you cannot seek out information about them online or through mutual friends/acquaintances. You have to let them go. I have found that it is hard enough to do that mentally and emotionally even when you're doing everything right, which is what I am doing. I cannot imagine how you are ever going to move on when you keep spinning your wheels like you are doing. +1 In his response to me, all I picked up was that he was justifying his reasons for obsessing on a relationship that ended nearly half a year ago, which by most standards is about when you start to feel more healed and move on.
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 OP, you are unhealthily obsessed with your ex. I am three months removed from getting dumped by my ex-fiancee. It still really hurts, but I have gone NC because that's the only way I am going to heal. I still think about her a lot, probably way more than I should. But I know that by going NC I am eventually going to get to where I need to be. You cannot stay friends with your ex, you cannot stay in touch, and you cannot seek out information about them online or through mutual friends/acquaintances. You have to let them go. I have found that it is hard enough to do that mentally and emotionally even when you're doing everything right, which is what I am doing. I cannot imagine how you are ever going to move on when you keep spinning your wheels like you are doing. This is something I know and something that I'm currently working on. I'm 5 months from the breakup and still feel like it's day number one. However, this is my first real breakup and it's just been a rough year for me anyway. There was nothing else for me to do but to obsess over this thing from September to the end of November. I honestly thought I was going to get her back the entire time. It honestly wasn't until about a month ago that I accepted it was completely over and I went 100% NC with her. I wish I had read the stuff in this forum before all that so I could see that the only thing I needed to do was to move on and get "myself" back. If I had let her go a long time ago, back in September, gone complete NC, then I probably wouldn't feel the way I do today. I didn't know that back then. It's a shame and I know a few years from now I'm going to look back at this, laugh, and think, "why did I waste so much time on a girl that meant nothing?" I'm not friends with the ex and have no intention of trying to start up a relationship/friendship or even any kind of communciation with her. Ever. Period. She screwed up and she has to live with that. Stupid girl. As for the mutual friends and family. I have not been seeking information from them since sometime in November. I stopped asking and accepted that she was with this new guy, and that's the way things were. I got a job, moved away, started hanging out with friends... basically got my life back in check. Her brother-in-law has been a friend to me for about 3 years. We have a lot in common because we're both American and we've always bonded while the rest of the family was busy speaking Spanish. When we talked yesterday, it was basically to catch up. I apologized to him for my obsessive behavior and for dragging him into something he didn't want nothing to do with. He talked about Karma and how it's already come back around and got her. That's when he told me. Should I just tell him I don't want to hear about her anymore?
GreenPolicy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 +1 In his response to me, all I picked up was that he was justifying his reasons for obsessing on a relationship that ended nearly half a year ago, which by most standards is about when you start to feel more healed and move on. Yeah, it's been three months, and I am finally starting to feel a tiny bit better. The first three months were all about surviving, and I did that. And I think mentally I understand and have processed what happened. Now the next three months is about my heart catching up and healing too. But I understand my recovery is fragile. I would be shattered if I found out a year from now that she had gotten married or whatever.
GreenPolicy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Should I just tell him I don't want to hear about her anymore? Make it clear to any and all mutual friends/acquaintances that she is a forbidden topic of conversation and you do not want any information about what she is up to.
bl22 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Make it clear to any and all mutual friends/acquaintances that she is a forbidden topic of conversation and you do not want any information about what she is up to. Yes follow this advice. When me and my ex broke up, I made it very clear to everyone that they are walking on eggshells if they bring up my ex to me. Had a go at a few people when theyve spoke about her to me, they know not to now.
cboy90 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Well she obviously had more respect for you than she did this guy. Just remember, marriage and having a baby doesn't always help a relationship.
selena_cat Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) ok,not trying to be 'catty'. I suggest to the one who posted the thread to go to another site and hopefully get better support than this. Some of these answers or response doesnt seem encouraging,so what if its 5 months,since when is there a time limit on grieving a loss,even if it is a relationship? We live in a get over it society,someone dumps you, its two months get over it, God forbids some tragedy happens,get over it. Would you believe the 9/11 widows were blasted for dwelling on their tragedy after a year? Of course its unhealthy to dwell on the past, and hurts when one seeks out what their ex are doing. But show me one person in this site who doesnt check up on FB for their exes status. This seems a very painful breakup for this poster,just like others. My opinion,He needs better support than this. Maybe talk to a counselor,trusted friend,websites like these,where you get a vague response or two,i dont see how it helps.. What his ex did was very selfish,how can one get over that so quick?Just my two cents. Edited January 21, 2011 by selena_cat
bluebirdsfly Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 And its mad weird that you didn't have sex with her after 2 years... makes me wonder if she was just using you like an emotional tampon. In which case you should be thankful shes out of your life and let her go. I agree. If it's religious for her not to sleep with you, then she shouldn't break her faith and slept with another guy, unless it's just an excuse because she has never been into you in the first place. I'm happy she's gone. You deserve a life with a girl whose totally into you instead of stringing you along as a backup plan.
Country_Girl Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Everyone heals at a different pace, I think some of you should be a little more understanding. One person could be over a breakup in a month, another could get over it in 3 months, while another might take a year. OP, I completely understand your point of view. I have been looking for work for a month now post breakup & I have seen first hand how it can slow down the healing process. If you had more time in the first few months to keep busy then you most likely would be farther along- but when your esteem is in the crapper it's hard not to dwell in a dark place when you are left alone in your thoughts. Don't let anyone tell you where you should be in the healing process. And as for the news, you dodged a bullet, that could have been you. And by the sound of it, the girl sounds manipulative. Girls like that, who get pregnant on purpose to "keep a guy"- well they find out the hard way that not even a baby can save a relationship. I had a few friends in high school that got pregnant on purpose, and none of their relationships lasted. It's sad really, because I could have told them it wouldn't be their saving grace, instead would push them farther apart. Try to keep busy, and don't be surprised when this guy disappears and she tries to turn to you for support. Keep doing NC.
Author mmiller5373 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Make it clear to any and all mutual friends/acquaintances that she is a forbidden topic of conversation and you do not want any information about what she is up to. Consider it done.
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