Difficult night

[Ladyblue]

Awww, honey, I'm so sorry you're hurting so.

 

Like others have said, please don't be too hard on yourself. You know in your heart you loved him and your intentions were pure. You can't make someone else have the same integrity. But what you can do is learn, and it appears you have. I hope you don't take that as condescending, because we ALL learn hard lessons throughtout our lives. Every single one of us. Don't think for one moment that I haven't made my share of mistakes while hoping to find my forever love. I have.

 

One thing I've found in all my years, and they are many, is that you cannot force love. It just is. Sometimes there are things to work through, but sharing your man/woman with someone else and being a secret should never be one of them. That's just too painful, IMO, for anyone to be expected to endure. Someone who claims to love you would never expect that of you.

 

Someone will find you who deserves your love and devotion. You will have your happy ever after. I'm certain of it. Just hang in there, and keep posting your thoughts. It does help to get them out.

 

(((Ladyblue)))

 

Thanks for the hug. The bolded is what I've been trying to find a way to say all along. SOMEONE WHO CLAIMS TO LOVE YOU WOULD NEVER EXPECT ME TO SHARE THEM WITH SOMEONE ELSE, OR WANT ME TO BE THEIR SECRET.

 

That's exactly it! That's how I came to realize it wasn't the right kind of love.

 

Ladyblue, you're right in that when a former OW declares anything negative about an A situation they are labeled "a reformed OW" with a derogatory intent by a good number of certain people. It makes it very difficult for someone in your position to just say what you feel. You have a right to your feelings, and it helps to let them out. Just put certain people on ignore if you must, or merely ignore their posts.

 

Thank you. I have to say I was quite surprised to come here hurting, and pour out my honest feelings about it all, and get the kind of response I got from OW. If it had been the BS's, I would have understood. But the BS's have all been very kind and supportive, or silent. It's some of the OW I've come to dread. Just because my interpretation of my reality doesn't match theirs. It's been quite an eye-opener.

[Ladyblue]

ladyblue,

 

Stop crying in the dark - its part of the problem.

 

In times of need, your friends and family WILL huddle around you...support you, love you and care for you. That's what they are there for. Reach out to them.

 

YOU do NOT have to be alone. REACH OUT. Cry on a shoulder not your keyboard.

 

Going a step further, NOT telling allows YOUR hurt to continue - and it keeps the A alive. By this I mean it conditions YOU to have HIM as your ONLY recourse in this R (an A is an R, just a sick one). It siphons your power away and slowly insidiously hands it to HIM. IT keeps this unhealthy dynamic ALIVE. So talk. To your friends, to your family, to ANYONE to help get this poison out of you.

 

I promise you it ends. And, ime, it ends FASTER when you talk that first bold step and open up to your friends and family. Will they be unhappy? Sure. But as a father myself, I would pull my little girl (and you are ALWAYS daddy's little girl) until she was better. THEN lecture her.

 

YOU will get over this (and it was NEVER love - I bet you see this in time as well).

 

YOU will find LOVE.

 

Cry. Heal. Learn. Live. Be happy. Find love.

 

Nope. Can't tell the people closest to me. Too much shame. Too much conflict. I am considering what "NoReply" suggested - IC. And I will post here. But I can't tell my family. Their determination was why we weren't together to begin with.

 

And I do see that what we had in the A was not love. At one time, we had love. But not this; this was not it. I have "lived and learned."

[Ladyblue]

I get it LadyBlue.......oh how I get it and if anyone knows what you are feeling I do. Our situations are different in how they played out but when I fully realized what I had done to myself, him, and yes his wife it sent me reeling. I was conned indeed but a person with good boundaries and a better self worth wouldn't have ever got themselves into the situation that I did to start with.

 

You are on the road to healing and you are going to come out on the other side. I'm not completely there yet, but the worst is behind me and I will get there, so will you. We will be better women......in spite of it.

 

BTW.......Spark is a kind and very compassionate BS.

 

Yes. The bolded is what's eating my lunch right now. Except that I wasn't at all conned. Except, perhaps, by my own desires. I knew he was married. But because we had loved each other all our lives, because we were "supposed" to be together, and because of her serial affairs, I could justify it all. I thought for sure that her serial affairs meant their marriage was over. Silly me! It seemed so reasonable at the time.

[Ladyblue]

Ladyblue, I just finished reading your post and wanted to respond back before I read any further.

 

No, I would not say you sound bitter, angry or negative. This is exactly the kind of post that belongs here –I just hope the responses you get are compassionate and not the “what did you expect for engaging in an A” variety.

 

There’s nothing wrong with still loving him, even if it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to. Even though you say nothing had changed in three years, there must have been good things about your R and happy times with him that made it worthwhile while you were in it.

 

Oh, there were times that were incredible. But they were not worth the pain I am going through now. He kept saying he was glad he had called. I can honestly say I wish he had never called. I wish I had never let it go in the direction it did. In spite of the incredible times, it was NOT worth it, not to me. But then --- he was at home with his wife, living in this fantasy relationship with me, while I was home with my dog, living the reality of it.

 

You shouldn’t look at the three years as a ‘waste’ because it wasn’t. It was an experience from which (I assume) you learned a lot about yourself. The next time you’re in a situation that’s equally difficult (I’m not only talking about a love R – it could be anything, perhaps work-related, friend-related, family-related etc) you will be able to look back and know you made it through this. Think about other tough things that you’ve had to deal with in life – we all have them – and you made it through those things, you survived, right?

 

It feels like a TOTAL waste. Yes, I learned a lot about myself - most of it NOT good! But you're right. I will be a stronger person than I am today.

 

You know, your words, in this paragraph, sound almost verbatim like something I was told on another board (totally different subject), by someone I really admire. I have a theory about when the universe keeps presenting the same message to you ... so I'm paying close attention.

 

There are many many paths in life. Sometimes you’re on one path and you’ll get diverted to a different one. That does not mean this new path you’re on will be worse. None of us can see what the future holds. Something incredible can be just around the bend.

 

So don’t throw rocks in front of yourself by thinking he’s having a laugh at your expense. It doesn’t matter. Try not to torture yourself by thinking about what he may be doing, feeling or thinking. It doesn’t matter.

 

I can't help but wonder just what the H*ll IS going through his mind. I would really like to know the truth about that.

 

You loved him, you love him and you’re letting him go with a heart full of love. You’re hurting – but that doesn’t sound bitter to me at all.

 

IDK, sometimes I think I hate him.

 

Take care of yourself, Ladyblue.

 

Thank you for this.

[Ladyblue]

Your pain comes through clearly in your writing ... I am sorry you feel so badly now. Of course you know this, and hearing it doesn't really help - but it's the truth - this awful condition is temporary.

 

This is what I believe happens in many such situations.

 

The above is all just beating yourself up, and it's not the truth (well, except for maybe the part about him being a thoughtless jerk). I am sure he was not laughing at you, ever. What you wrote first is almost surely the truth - he was indulging in fantasy; magical thinking, and you were part of that.

 

Don't engage in negative self talk. You are already hurt and lonely and still feel in love. Don't hurt yourself more.

 

Please take the advice of another poster; force yourself OUT of isolation and get in the company of people who love you.

 

When you have healed and your life starts to move again, please don't settle for this kind of love again, okay? You, and all of us, deserve to be loved by someone who is really present to love for real. Not just in fantasy.

 

So true, so true. It actually does help to be reminded that this pain is temporary. I do need to force myself out of isolation. I even made a resolution to find something to laugh about every day. Haven't done it, but at least its in writing, in front of me. And don't worry, I will N.E.V.E.R. EEEEVER get myself into another one like this.

[Ladyblue]

I rarely, if ever, write on these boards as I don't have much to say. As a BS, I came to these boards at first filled with hate, anger, rage, all sorts of horrible emotions about the OW who "stole" my husband.

 

I found women like you though. Women who were promised the world, told all the same beautiful lies I was being told by my WH. I found OW who I related to, not as a BS but as a person who had been filled with promises while another life was being lived. And that made me angrier. But not at the OW, at my WH. It helped me lay the blame where it sat. At his feet.

 

Your pain reminds me of my own when I discovered the decisions being made about my life without my knowledge. You have your part in the mess, and you have owned that part. Now stop carrying his part. Forgive yourself. Get IC, it was the best thing I have ever done (and do) for myself.

 

Its good to mourn the life/future you had built in your head. But don't let it consume you.

 

I wish you the very best.

 

I appreciate you posting very, very much. Both that you took the time to post, and what you said. Your spirit is one of deep compassion and incredible grace. And I am grateful. I am so sorry for the hurt you suffered.

 

As much as anything, I mourn how I failed myself, my own values and principles. I do intend to get IC.

 

I wish you the very best, too.

[Ladyblue]

LadyBlue! I can't believe someone else besides me was actually praying for the xMM to come back to me. When I did that, I realized I was actually praying for a man to leave his wife for me and I started feeling guilty and as if somehow I'd end up being punished even more for my prayer.

 

I read the book The Secret, about the Law of attraction and how the thoughts you think come back to you as your reality. So I then began thinking and feeling with all my heart that he'd come back to me.

 

Deep down, I knew that was wrong too, because if I'm using my thought power to cause a marriage to end, which would entail a loss to his wife and kids, then I would end up attracting loss in my own life.

 

Ok, but I'm only human. I couldn't get the thought of wanting him to come back to me out of my head. So, I decided to play a little game with the Law of Attraction and my prayer life. This started out as kind of a joke between myself and God, but it did help me replace my negative thoughts..

 

I began wishing for his wife to come into a lot of money and to meet the man of her dreams!

 

Each time I started to wish him back, I began wishing for her to acquire a lot of money. My thinking is that if she did get a lot of money, she wouldn't need/want him anymore, but also it's better for my own attraction to wish love and money for his wife, because then some how I will be attracting love and money for myself!!

 

I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes acting crazy is the only way to stay sane!! Good luck Lady Blue, we're here for you!

 

I laughed when I read your post (and a lot of head-nodding, too, at your previous one.) Yes, I have honestly read posts on here and thought, "Are they dating him, too?"

 

About the praying - at least YOU realized it was wrong. I was so deluded, I didn't realize until later just how whacked that really was!

 

I love your thinking on the laws of attraction! Hey, it's gotta be better than the way I've been thinking! Say ... could you add me to that love and money wish? It couldn't possibly hurt anything, and it'd give you a double whammy chance for getting it back!

 

I REALLY DO wish you, and her, lots of love and money.

[Ladyblue]

My heart broke for you reading what you wrote. I have not been in your exact position, but I have been betrayed, hurt to, lied, etc., and had my heart broken, and I can identify with most everything you are saying.

 

I think the only thing that will help is time. Whether it's the end of an affair, relationship, marriage, whatever, it hurts just the same and it just plain SUCKS. I am so sorry you are hurting like this. Time really does heal most everything, though it doesn't seem like it when you're going through it. I wish I had better words of wisdom for you, but aside from keeping yourself busy there's not much you can do to take your mind off of it. Don't beat yourself up, let yourself feel what you have to feel, cry if you have to cry. In the end, the best "revenge" really is living well.

 

I hope you are feeling better soon, and I am sorry you are feeling so sad.

 

Thank you so much for caring. This is another difficult night. I was too physically sick last night and most of today to read or post much, but tonight I came back to re-read all the wonderful support I received from everyone, and just had to tell you, and all the other posters, how very much it means to have your concern and support. It really does help.

[Ladyblue]

I am so sorry you are hurting, LB. Longing and dreaming of the one you desperately want to be with can be agonizing.

 

This is so true.

 

The one good thing to take from this: you have learned a very valuable lesson in all of this and you will be a stronger and more compassionate woman because of it.

 

Yes, I have learned several very valuable lessons.

 

If I understand your situation correctly, you just had an EA that didn't turn physical, correct? If so, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. I found myself in a very intense EA with a MOM more than a year ago. After a few months, I had to end it and walk away because I looked down the affair road and was horrified at what could become of my life. The first few weeks of NC was so very hard for me; I missed him desperately and couldn't even figure out exactly why.

 

Yes, it was always just an EA. Thankfully. I at least have that shred of dignity still intact. I wish I could have seen down that same affair road as you did.

 

I guess one of the big differences for me was that he never promised me a life together. I think t would have been so much harder if he had, and I am so very sorry your MM painted vivid fantasies of happily-ever-after in your mind.

 

Oh, yeah, that definitely makes it hard. He liked to talk in minute detail about how our life together would be. Things we would do, places we would go. What we would wear, where we would sit and what flavor of tea we would drink while we watched our first sunrise together. Where he would toss his tie when he came home from work. Just incredible detail he talked about all the minutiae of every day of our (future) lives together. Three years I listened to in-depth details about our future life together. UGH. It makes "us" have "memories together" at places we've never ever been together!

 

Use this time to heal yourself and focus on what you need to be happy. If he is truly out of your life, don't give him any of your valuable energy. Try to understand what you were so attracted to in him, and start to visualize what you want your future husband to be. Eventually, he will become reality and he will want only YOU!

 

Hugs

 

Ruby

 

I especially love your last paragraph. I DO need to focus on what I need to be happy. That's something I had not really thought about until I read this paragraph. What do I need to be happy? This warrants some serious contemplation.

 

"If he is truly out of your life..." I've loved him all my life. I, we, always thought we would always be together. I don't know that he will ever truly be out of my heart. But I know FOR SURE that he's out of my life as a mm!

 

Love those last two sentences. There is some power in those two statements. I intend to take some serious time to do exactly that.

 

(BTW, your name has a real good significance in my life, too. )

 

Thank you.

[Ladyblue]

Great post!

 

LB, you wrote:

 

 

 

And Donna's response below is dead on!

 

 

 

There are many of "us" former OW who look back on the Affair with disgust, feelings of stupidity, and shame at what we allowed in our lives.

 

That's it. That's the feelings.

 

My best advice, release it. Release it all. Own what you did. Own it, work through it and move forward. Until you forgive yourself, you will stay stuck in the mud.

 

I'm not sure how to work through it, other than writing about it here. I do know that I need to forgive him and myself.

 

And good things WILL happen in your life. I am proof - I met my H a couple months after I ended the affair. I have been happily married almost 13 years now to a good, decent, honest, honorable, loving man.

 

Hoping you're right about this.

 

Forgive yourself, chalk it up to a "lesson learned" and go forward.

 

I think it's going to take some time.

 

I am reading and re-reading all the responses here. There's a good amount of genuine caring, wisdom and support here. I really appreciate you, FO, and everyone else who has responded. Thank you. I'm holding on to these words.

[Ladyblue]

I hope that tonight is better for you LB. I also hope that you forgive yourself soon.

 

Thank you, Awkward. Tonight is better, because I've re-read all these messages filled with love and caring and wisdom, and one that even made me laugh.

 

I hope I can forgive myself, soon, too. But I think it's going to take some time.

[Rubys]

I especially love your last paragraph. I DO need to focus on what I need to be happy. That's something I had not really thought about until I read this paragraph. What do I need to be happy? This warrants some serious contemplation.

 

"If he is truly out of your life..." I've loved him all my life. I, we, always thought we would always be together. I don't know that he will ever truly be out of my heart. But I know FOR SURE that he's out of my life as a mm!

 

Love those last two sentences. There is some power in those two statements. I intend to take some serious time to do exactly that.

 

(BTW, your name has a real good significance in my life, too. )

 

Thank you.

 

I'm so glad you could take something away from my response to you. Focusing on your happiness right now and what you need and want in your life will speed the healing process.

 

I am so very sorry at how you have been treated; this man clearly disrespected you, your feelings, and his W. The fact that you had such history, and potential future described in detail, and he walked away with no explanation smacks of a coward who doesn't respect you. He will likely reach out to you again sometime soon - please don't let him ever disrespect you again. Demand respect, and if you don;t get it, walk away immediately. If he doesn't treat you with utmost respct now, he likely never will.

 

He may always be in your heart, or at least the fantasy of the man he wants to be will remain in your heart. The reality is, however, that he is gone and likely isn't nearly good enough for you.

 

Stay strong, I'm sending lots of positive energy your way.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you, Awkward. Tonight is better, because I've re-read all these messages filled with love and caring and wisdom, and one that even made me laugh.

 

I hope I can forgive myself, soon, too. But I think it's going to take some time.

As much as anything, I mourn how I failed myself, my own values and principles. I do intend to get IC.

 

It serves no purpose to beat yourself up. Yes it'll take time to work through this, but try your best not to 'go' there. Forgive yourself! It's time. Be good to "you". Pamper yourself, go shopping, get a new haircut, do a spa day, anything that will enhance your life and make you feel good.

 

Counselling will help. What you put into it (and yourself) is what you get out of it.