Difficult night

[Ladyblue]

At the risk of being chastised for being bitter, angry and negative, and having nothing of any real substance to say, I just felt I needed to post tonight.

 

I've been having lots of thoughts, memories and feelings last night and tonight. Because of the way the ending drug out, I had gotten to a place of acceptance before he walked. I couldn't really take any more pain, and it was almost a relief when he stopped contacting me. But of course it still hurts.

 

I still love him. Maybe I love the "better" part of him. Or maybe I love what I thought he was. IDK. Last night and tonight it just feels like i love him. When I was thinking about this last night, I was thinking "how is anything different?" I loved him then, I was faithful to him, and I waited for him. Now, I love him, and I'm still not seeing anyone else. In practice, my life has not changed over these three years, except for the phone calls and the occasional minutes spent together. So why was it so painful.

 

The difference is the expectation. Before, I was waiting for him. He made promises, he was on his way to me, just working out the arrangements, told me he would walk through that door any day now, and when he did, he would never leave again. yada yada. Now, I know it will never happen; I'm not waiting or looking for him, or expecting anything. That is easier to live with.

 

Last night and tonight, I really miss him. It's almost as though I can feel him. The reality is, he's home with his wife, no doubt.

 

Tonight I cleaned out my den and office. All sorts of mementos. I thought how delusional I had been. How I had fooled myself into believing his fantasy of us being together was going to be our reality. You see, I don't think he lied to me. I think he thought he meant what he was saying --- until it came down to taking action. I think he got caught up in fantasyland. He was living in a fantasy, and I was living the reality of it. Not pretty.

 

Earlier this evening I was just gobsmacked at how delusional I was, how I could have even gotten involved in his life. Then I'm awash in all the love and closeness, now I'm just feeling hurt and bitter. How lonely and desperate I must have been. How pathetic and revolting.

 

What a thoughtless jerk he was! At moments, I wonder if he was having himself a good laugh at how long I would sit and wait and love him. Did the reality of my life based on his promises ever cross his mind? I don't know.

 

At moments such as this, I think I hate him. I'd like to be mean and violent. (and I'm not a violent person.)

 

I'm not going to contact him. I don't even consider that an option. If he contacted me, I hope I would hang up on him. I know I'm bouncing all over the place with this. It's just it's 3:00 am and I haven't been able to sleep at all. I just needed to write it down. Just want to tell everyone how wonderful affairs are --- even "just" EA's.

[woinlove]

Don't let anyone chastise you for your feelings. In the current threads that suggest some feelings don't belong here, the agitators probably have their own feelings to work through.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. It seems that you have a good insight, and I'm sure you will learn a lot when you process everything. But you should be kind to yourself too. The words you are throwing around to describe yourself are not real descriptions of yourself.

 

Delusional? You wanted to believe someone you loved. Lonely and desperate? We all long to give and receive romantic love and affection. Perhaps you were vulnerable or looking for something external when you could have been making yourself happy first. Pathetic and revolting? You hurt so much because you put your heart into MM, your R with him, your dreams and desires for the two of you. While he wasn't the right man to get involved with, the fact that your heart was and is open is good, certainly not pathetic and revolting. Try to open your heart more to yourself, love yourself.

 

It's natural and probably necessary to have a lot of negative emotions, bitterness, hate, anger. Get them out, post about them, write in a journal, talk to friends, but recognize them as a transition, a stage you will move beyond. And make sure you are focussing on good and fun things too, even if it takes a while before your heart is in those things. You are doing well in maintaining NC. So be kind and loving toward yourself.

[whichwayisup]

He let you believe that you two had a future. He gave you hope, and probably those times he told you that, he meant it too, but then once home, his focus and thought pattern changed. The man (any MM or MW) shouldn't be making long term plans, future arrangements, especially promises to their OW/OM until they've been legally separated or divorced. He really was in no position to follow through on anything based on his actions.

 

Be angry at him, but be angry at yourself. Let your ego and pride take over. Screw him! Use that anger to help you work through this and really let yourself grieve. Acceptance and letting go can help you so much.. Yes you love him, want him, miss him but he says one thing and does another. SO many MM (from what I've read recently and in the past) seem to, when it comes right down to it, really just wanted an affair, nothing more than that and obviously feelings grew and then they're left to deal with facing a decision..most of the time they don't leave yet obviously they do in certain circumstances.

 

Deep down you listen to your gut, and hopefully you're gut will guide you in the right direction and give strength on what you need to do so YOU feel better.

[Spark1111]

I am sorry you are in pain.

 

Please do not beat yourself for entrusting your feelings to someone who claimed they loved you and wanted to be with you.

 

There is absolutely nothing pathetic or revolting about that.

 

And I do not believe anyone is laughing at your expense right now. The end of an affair is a painful time for everyone in the triangle.

 

Stay strong to your NC as it will help you sort through thoughts and feelings.

 

I strongly believe lying during an affair is not intentional; rather it is delusional to an extent that both parties really, really want those intense romantic feelings to continue.

 

I wish you peace and time to sort it all out.

[BB07]

Big hugs Ladyblue!

I recall some of those feelings all to well.

Try to look at it from the perspective of you are seeing the reality and what you are feeling is one more step in the right direction to healing and getting past it because that is what it is.

[SunsetRed]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You will feel better soon, but unfortunately, it will take a while.

 

It's helped me immensely to be on this forum. I'm able to put things into perspective better. Many of us have the exact same story. Several times I've even wondered if someone on here had also dated my xMM, the story was so close.

 

What that tells me is that these guys are all alike. They are deceptive, selfish liars who conned us. All of them use the same excuses and lies to draw us in and the same lies, excuses to throw us under the bus when they are finished.

 

For some reason the breakup with a MM is worse than a break up with a single guy. My break up with my xMM was worse than my actual divorce.

When I divorced my husband, I wanted that break up, as he was a bad husband. MM's do a great job of acting like a good husband to us. They act like good husbands because they actually are husbands....just not ours.

It then feels like complete sh*t when they stop acting like husbands to us and them immediately go back to living with, providing for and being husbands to someone who gets to be a real wife.

 

Hang in there. It is going to hurt like hell for a long time. All you can do is try and put energy into putting your life back together.

[East7]

Hi Ladyblue,

 

I feel for you. I know exactly those feelings. It's not only a women's thing, men grieve in the same way, they are just too proud to admit..

I'm still in love with xMW somehow, not the actual person but with the one she used to be. Affairs create more clinging and addiction than a normal relationship, as you said it, we are their fantasy but they are our reality.

 

All break-ups leave a huge emptiness and we just don't have any interest at other people...It is normal ! And it fades away with time. Then we realize that there are other wonderful people out there.

 

I can only say don't suppress your feelings, whatever you feel is OK to grieve. At least you understand your feelings; your are not trying to over-analyze his actions and ask "why" a million times, you are close to acceptance, that it was not meant to happen the way you wanted it to happen.

[donnamaybe]

Awww, honey, I'm so sorry you're hurting so.

 

Like others have said, please don't be too hard on yourself. You know in your heart you loved him and your intentions were pure. You can't make someone else have the same integrity. But what you can do is learn, and it appears you have. I hope you don't take that as condescending, because we ALL learn hard lessons throughtout our lives. Every single one of us. Don't think for one moment that I haven't made my share of mistakes while hoping to find my forever love. I have.

 

One thing I've found in all my years, and they are many, is that you cannot force love. It just is. Sometimes there are things to work through, but sharing your man/woman with someone else and being a secret should never be one of them. That's just too painful, IMO, for anyone to be expected to endure. Someone who claims to love you would never expect that of you.

 

Someone will find you who deserves your love and devotion. You will have your happy ever after. I'm certain of it. Just hang in there, and keep posting your thoughts. It does help to get them out.

 

(((Ladyblue)))

[Ladyblue]

Don't let anyone chastise you for your feelings. In the current threads that suggest some feelings don't belong here, the agitators probably have their own feelings to work through.

 

Thank you for this. I know that usually those barbs are being hurled at the BS --- which makes me feel doubly invalidated. First that I'm not "supposed to" express those feelings here, and if I do, instead of my feelings being validated and acknowledge, it is just the opposite --- I will read whole threads about how wrong and bad I am for feeling that way. AND, I am not even the BS. I don't (understandably) have too much sympathy and support from the BS's, because of course, I'm (was) the OW --- and yes, I DID bring it on myself by getting into an EA with another woman's H. I DO understand how, as the OW, what I have done is beyond painful for BS's. But I thought surely OW would understand. I KNOW I can't be the only OW who is totally disgusted with myself AND the A. Is there no place of acceptance among OW on this OW board for the bitter, angry, and thoroughly miserable, self-loathing and thoroughly ashamed OW?

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. It seems that you have a good insight, and I'm sure you will learn a lot when you process everything. But you should be kind to yourself too. The words you are throwing around to describe yourself are not real descriptions of yourself.

 

Delusional? You wanted to believe someone you loved. Lonely and desperate? We all long to give and receive romantic love and affection. Perhaps you were vulnerable or looking for something external when you could have been making yourself happy first. Pathetic and revolting? You hurt so much because you put your heart into MM, your R with him, your dreams and desires for the two of you. While he wasn't the right man to get involved with, the fact that your heart was and is open is good, certainly not pathetic and revolting. Try to open your heart more to yourself, love yourself.

 

It's natural and probably necessary to have a lot of negative emotions, bitterness, hate, anger. Get them out, post about them, write in a journal, talk to friends, but recognize them as a transition, a stage you will move beyond. And make sure you are focussing on good and fun things too, even if it takes a while before your heart is in those things. You are doing well in maintaining NC. So be kind and loving toward yourself.

 

Thank you to everyone who posted here. Your words of support and encouragement mean a lot to me.

 

Like most OW, these are things I can't talk about anywhere else.

 

When I met this man, we were babies in adjoining cribs - I kid you not! We grew up together, and we always loved each other. He pledged his love and asked me to marry him on the front steps of my house one moonlit night, and I accepted. We were 5 years old. And so it went, until we were teens, and there was family conflict. We were forbidden to associate, and then his family moved to another country, and we lost each other. We eventually went our separate ways, had our separate lives. He married, reared children. His wife was a serial cheater (this part I know is true.) When he finally tracked me down and called me, he had no intention of starting an affair. He just wanted to let me know he was still alive, tell me about his kids and his life, and find out about mine.

 

The minute I heard his voice, all the love I had ever had for him came flooding back, and more. It almost seemed like my love for him had grown all those years, under the radar of my conscious thought, and for him the same thing, too.

 

Before we knew it, we were telling each other we'd never stopped loving each other. About 3 months later, he caught his W in yet another LT PA with a man she professed to love. She even lost her job over it, because he was her client in a rather sensitive business. The company warned her, but she would not give him up, so she was terminated, and her 20 year career went down the tube, all for a MOM who won't leave his W!

 

What a screwed up mess we all were! Anyway, my long lost love has grown kids who live far away and are not a factor in them staying together. He and W are financially sound, so money is not a factor. They are in good health, so that was not a factor. They don't have a dog or bills or grandchildren, and after her job termination, he was ready to leave.

 

After she was fired from her job over the MM, she began full-on manipulation of her H to win his sympathy (and probably to retain his income.) She supposedly broke up with the MM (she didn't, she just got sneaky, and H caught her with him several more times.)

 

After all that, I could not imagine them staying together. Plus, my "Love" really loved me. Always had, all our lives. I knew this. So when he told me he was leaving, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, it was believable.

 

We had such incredible love for each other. I was sure and he was sure, we were a love story for the ages.

 

But he never left.

 

Now I am disgusted that I even considered another woman's husband, regardless of their circumstances. I should have told him to call me when the dust had settled. I remember praying for him, for us --- how twisted and delusional was THAT??? To pray to God for another woman's husband. And I actually did not see anything wrong with that. :sick:

(ok, at first I did pray for their marriage to be healed. But when it wasn't . . . then I started praying for "us." Why do we always want to drag God into our filthy messes, and want Him to bless it!) :sick: shaking my head in amazement and disgust.

 

This is ugly ugly stuff. It is the first time I've told the truth to anyone else. How did I sink to such a level? I'll tell you. It was a slow and gradual process. Our history. His W's betrayal. I remember how disgusted I was at HER for being such a tramp!? I remember thinking that we were not doing anything wrong. I'd never heard of an EA. I'm not sure at what point I realized what we were doing was wrong. I am thankful that although the opportunity presented, I was never physical with him. Thank goodness for that, at least I was able to keep my pants on! :sick:

 

I do have a LOT of shame about my choices and actions. Not just to him, his W and their M, but to all BS's in general. I'm sorry.

 

Just so sorry I got involved in such a tawdry mess. I knew better. It was just such a slow and gradual slide down that slippery slope.

 

There's so much more. All the pain and aching nights and anger and loneliness, but this morning I am fixated on remorse for what I did to two other human beings.

 

Yes, I say, what I did wrong to both of them. Because I could have helped him, instead of racing head-long into an A, I could have encouraged him to be the better man, to take the high road. I could have remained a true friend, and encouraged him to higher standards, instead of encouraging him to betrayal and lies. I could have encouraged him to actions that would have built up his dignity, and self-esteem and self-respect, instead of contributing to his shame by helping embroil him in an affair. If I had REALLY loved him, that is what I would have done, instead of indulging my selfish desires, I would have encouraged him to do what was right, and he would have been a better person for having contacted me. This, right here, is my greatest regret. I had a chance to truly help him, and instead I used that opportunity as a stumbling block that brought him down to a lower, baser level. Does this make sense to anyone else?

 

I'm rambling and will go now. Until the next wave hits, probably this evening. It always seems worse at night.

[donnamaybe]

Ladyblue, you're right in that when a former OW declares anything negative about an A situation they are labeled "a reformed OW" with a derogatory intent by a good number of certain people. It makes it very difficult for someone in your position to just say what you feel. You have a right to your feelings, and it helps to let them out. Just put certain people on ignore if you must, or merely ignore their posts.

[jwi71]

Like most OW, these are things I can't talk about anywhere else.

 

ladyblue,

 

Stop crying in the dark - its part of the problem.

 

In times of need, your friends and family WILL huddle around you...support you, love you and care for you. That's what they are there for. Reach out to them.

 

YOU do NOT have to be alone. REACH OUT. Cry on a shoulder not your keyboard.

 

Going a step further, NOT telling allows YOUR hurt to continue - and it keeps the A alive. By this I mean it conditions YOU to have HIM as your ONLY recourse in this R (an A is an R, just a sick one). It siphons your power away and slowly insidiously hands it to HIM. IT keeps this unhealthy dynamic ALIVE. So talk. To your friends, to your family, to ANYONE to help get this poison out of you.

 

I promise you it ends. And, ime, it ends FASTER when you talk that first bold step and open up to your friends and family. Will they be unhappy? Sure. But as a father myself, I would pull my little girl (and you are ALWAYS daddy's little girl) until she was better. THEN lecture her.

 

YOU will get over this (and it was NEVER love - I bet you see this in time as well).

 

YOU will find LOVE.

 

Cry. Heal. Learn. Live. Be happy. Find love.

[BB07]

 

Now I am disgusted that I even considered another woman's husband, regardless of their circumstances. I should have told him to call me when the dust had settled. I remember praying for him, for us --- how twisted and delusional was THAT??? To pray to God for another woman's husband. And I actually did not see anything wrong with that. :sick:

(ok, at first I did pray for their marriage to be healed. But when it wasn't . . . then I started praying for "us." Why do we always want to drag God into our filthy messes, and want Him to bless it!) :sick: shaking my head in amazement and disgust.

 

This is ugly ugly stuff. It is the first time I've told the truth to anyone else. How did I sink to such a level? I'll tell you. It was a slow and gradual process. Our history. His W's betrayal. I remember how disgusted I was at HER for being such a tramp!? I remember thinking that we were not doing anything wrong. I'd never heard of an EA. I'm not sure at what point I realized what we were doing was wrong. I am thankful that although the opportunity presented, I was never physical with him. Thank goodness for that, at least I was able to keep my pants on! :sick:

 

I do have a LOT of shame about my choices and actions. Not just to him, his W and their M, but to all BS's in general. I'm sorry.

 

Just so sorry I got involved in such a tawdry mess. I knew better. It was just such a slow and gradual slide down that slippery slope.

 

There's so much more. All the pain and aching nights and anger and loneliness, but this morning I am fixated on remorse for what I did to two other human beings.

 

Yes, I say, what I did wrong to both of them. Because I could have helped him, instead of racing head-long into an A, I could have encouraged him to be the better man, to take the high road. I could have remained a true friend, and encouraged him to higher standards, instead of encouraging him to betrayal and lies. I could have encouraged him to actions that would have built up his dignity, and self-esteem and self-respect, instead of contributing to his shame by helping embroil him in an affair. If I had REALLY loved him, that is what I would have done, instead of indulging my selfish desires, I would have encouraged him to do what was right, and he would have been a better person for having contacted me. This, right here, is my greatest regret. I had a chance to truly help him, and instead I used that opportunity as a stumbling block that brought him down to a lower, baser level. Does this make sense to anyone else?

 

I'm rambling and will go now. Until the next wave hits, probably this evening. It always seems worse at night.

 

I get it LadyBlue.......oh how I get it and if anyone knows what you are feeling I do. Our situations are different in how they played out but when I fully realized what I had done to myself, him, and yes his wife it sent me reeling. I was conned indeed but a person with good boundaries and a better self worth wouldn't have ever got themselves into the situation that I did to start with.

 

You are on the road to healing and you are going to come out on the other side. I'm not completely there yet, but the worst is behind me and I will get there, so will you. We will be better women......in spite of it.

 

BTW.......Spark is a kind and very compassionate BS.

[woinlove]

But I thought surely OW would understand. I KNOW I can't be the only OW who is totally disgusted with myself AND the A. Is there no place of acceptance among OW on this OW board for the bitter, angry, and thoroughly miserable, self-loathing and thoroughly ashamed OW?

 

This is a complicated forum. For OW/OM who are hurting or have guilt but want to stay in the affair, it can be threatening to hear OW/OM with your feelings. And, in any case, the feelings you describe really should be short-lived. They are just a transition back to you in happier times, but perhaps a bit wiser now. So, get them out, and then let them go.

 

Don't keep beating yourself up over this. You already see what path would have left you feeling better and next time you'll take it. If this thread is an opportunity to get all those self-loathing doubts out, so that such thoughts don't have to live inside your head -- then good. Let them out and let them go. Don't let them linger with you. What is done, is done and, right now, today and tomorrow, is the opportunity to be the person you can and want to be.

[AngeletteX]

Ladyblue, I just finished reading your post and wanted to respond back before I read any further.

 

No, I would not say you sound bitter, angry or negative. This is exactly the kind of post that belongs here –I just hope the responses you get are compassionate and not the “what did you expect for engaging in an A” variety.

 

There’s nothing wrong with still loving him, even if it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to. Even though you say nothing had changed in three years, there must have been good things about your R and happy times with him that made it worthwhile while you were in it.

 

You shouldn’t look at the three years as a ‘waste’ because it wasn’t. It was an experience from which (I assume) you learned a lot about yourself. The next time you’re in a situation that’s equally difficult (I’m not only talking about a love R – it could be anything, perhaps work-related, friend-related, family-related etc) you will be able to look back and know you made it through this. Think about other tough things that you’ve had to deal with in life – we all have them – and you made it through those things, you survived, right?

 

There are many many paths in life. Sometimes you’re on one path and you’ll get diverted to a different one. That does not mean this new path you’re on will be worse. None of us can see what the future holds. Something incredible can be just around the bend.

 

So don’t throw rocks in front of yourself by thinking he’s having a laugh at your expense. It doesn’t matter. Try not to torture yourself by thinking about what he may be doing, feeling or thinking. It doesn’t matter.

 

You loved him, you love him and you’re letting him go with a heart full of love. You’re hurting – but that doesn’t sound bitter to me at all.

 

Take care of yourself, Ladyblue.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Your pain comes through clearly in your writing ... I am sorry you feel so badly now. Of course you know this, and hearing it doesn't really help - but it's the truth - this awful condition is temporary.

 

How I had fooled myself into believing his fantasy of us being together was going to be our reality. You see, I don't think he lied to me. I think he thought he meant what he was saying --- until it came down to taking action. I think he got caught up in fantasyland. He was living in a fantasy, and I was living the reality of it. Not pretty.

 

This is what I believe happens in many such situations.

 

 

 

How lonely and desperate I must have been. How pathetic and revolting.

 

What a thoughtless jerk he was! At moments, I wonder if he was having himself a good laugh at how long I would sit and wait and love him. Did the reality of my life based on his promises ever cross his mind? I don't know.

 

The above is all just beating yourself up, and it's not the truth (well, except for maybe the part about him being a thoughtless jerk). I am sure he was not laughing at you, ever. What you wrote first is almost surely the truth - he was indulging in fantasy; magical thinking, and you were part of that.

 

Don't engage in negative self talk. You are already hurt and lonely and still feel in love. Don't hurt yourself more.

 

Please take the advice of another poster; force yourself OUT of isolation and get in the company of people who love you.

 

When you have healed and your life starts to move again, please don't settle for this kind of love again, okay? You, and all of us, deserve to be loved by someone who is really present to love for real. Not just in fantasy.

[noreply110]

I rarely, if ever, write on these boards as I don't have much to say. As a BS, I came to these boards at first filled with hate, anger, rage, all sorts of horrible emotions about the OW who "stole" my husband.

 

I found women like you though. Women who were promised the world, told all the same beautiful lies I was being told by my WH. I found OW who I related to, not as a BS but as a person who had been filled with promises while another life was being lived. And that made me angrier. But not at the OW, at my WH. It helped me lay the blame where it sat. At his feet.

 

Your pain reminds me of my own when I discovered the decisions being made about my life without my knowledge. You have your part in the mess, and you have owned that part. Now stop carrying his part. Forgive yourself. Get IC, it was the best thing I have ever done (and do) for myself.

 

Its good to mourn the life/future you had built in your head. But don't let it consume you.

 

I wish you the very best.

[SunsetRed]

LadyBlue! I can't believe someone else besides me was actually praying for the xMM to come back to me. When I did that, I realized I was actually praying for a man to leave his wife for me and I started feeling guilty and as if somehow I'd end up being punished even more for my prayer.

 

I read the book The Secret, about the Law of attraction and how the thoughts you think come back to you as your reality. So I then began thinking and feeling with all my heart that he'd come back to me.

 

Deep down, I knew that was wrong too, because if I'm using my thought power to cause a marriage to end, which would entail a loss to his wife and kids, then I would end up attracting loss in my own life.

 

Ok, but I'm only human. I couldn't get the thought of wanting him to come back to me out of my head. So, I decided to play a little game with the Law of Attraction and my prayer life. This started out as kind of a joke between myself and God, but it did help me replace my negative thoughts..

 

I began wishing for his wife to come into a lot of money and to meet the man of her dreams!

 

Each time I started to wish him back, I began wishing for her to acquire a lot of money. My thinking is that if she did get a lot of money, she wouldn't need/want him anymore, but also it's better for my own attraction to wish love and money for his wife, because then some how I will be attracting love and money for myself!!

 

I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes acting crazy is the only way to stay sane!! Good luck Lady Blue, we're here for you!

[Rose1977]

My heart broke for you reading what you wrote. I have not been in your exact position, but I have been betrayed, hurt to, lied, etc., and had my heart broken, and I can identify with most everything you are saying.

 

I think the only thing that will help is time. Whether it's the end of an affair, relationship, marriage, whatever, it hurts just the same and it just plain SUCKS. I am so sorry you are hurting like this. Time really does heal most everything, though it doesn't seem like it when you're going through it. I wish I had better words of wisdom for you, but aside from keeping yourself busy there's not much you can do to take your mind off of it. Don't beat yourself up, let yourself feel what you have to feel, cry if you have to cry. In the end, the best "revenge" really is living well.

 

I hope you are feeling better soon, and I am sorry you are feeling so sad.

[Rubys]

I am so sorry you are hurting, LB. Longing and dreaming of the one you desperately want to be with can be agonizing.

 

The one good thing to take from this: you have learned a very valuable lesson in all of this and you will be a stronger and more compassionate woman because of it.

 

If I understand your situation correctly, you just had an EA that didn't turn physical, correct? If so, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. I found myself in a very intense EA with a MOM more than a year ago. After a few months, I had to end it and walk away because I looked down the affair road and was horrified at what could become of my life. The first few weeks of NC was so very hard for me; I missed him desperately and couldn't even figure out exactly why.

 

I guess one of the big differences for me was that he never promised me a life together. I think t would have been so much harder if he had, and I am so very sorry your MM painted vivid fantasies of happily-ever-after in your mind.

 

Use this time to heal yourself and focus on what you need to be happy. If he is truly out of your life, don't give him any of your valuable energy. Try to understand what you were so attracted to in him, and start to visualize what you want your future husband to be. Eventually, he will become reality and he will want only YOU!

 

Hugs

 

Ruby

[fooled once]

He let you believe that you two had a future. He gave you hope, and probably those times he told you that, he meant it too, but then once home, his focus and thought pattern changed. The man (any MM or MW) shouldn't be making long term plans, future arrangements, especially promises to their OW/OM until they've been legally separated or divorced. He really was in no position to follow through on anything based on his actions.

 

Be angry at him, but be angry at yourself. Let your ego and pride take over. Screw him! Use that anger to help you work through this and really let yourself grieve. Acceptance and letting go can help you so much.. Yes you love him, want him, miss him but he says one thing and does another. SO many MM (from what I've read recently and in the past) seem to, when it comes right down to it, really just wanted an affair, nothing more than that and obviously feelings grew and then they're left to deal with facing a decision..most of the time they don't leave yet obviously they do in certain circumstances.

 

Deep down you listen to your gut, and hopefully you're gut will guide you in the right direction and give strength on what you need to do so YOU feel better.

 

Great post!

 

LB, you wrote:

 

hank you for this. I know that usually those barbs are being hurled at the BS --- which makes me feel doubly invalidated. First that I'm not "supposed to" express those feelings here, and if I do, instead of my feelings being validated and acknowledge, it is just the opposite --- I will read whole threads about how wrong and bad I am for feeling that way. AND, I am not even the BS. I don't (understandably) have too much sympathy and support from the BS's, because of course, I'm (was) the OW --- and yes, I DID bring it on myself by getting into an EA with another woman's H. I DO understand how, as the OW, what I have done is beyond painful for BS's. But I thought surely OW would understand. I KNOW I can't be the only OW who is totally disgusted with myself AND the A. Is there no place of acceptance among OW on this OW board for the bitter, angry, and thoroughly miserable, self-loathing and thoroughly ashamed OW?

 

And Donna's response below is dead on!

 

Ladyblue, you're right in that when a former OW declares anything negative about an A situation they are labeled "a reformed OW" with a derogatory intent by a good number of certain people. It makes it very difficult for someone in your position to just say what you feel. You have a right to your feelings, and it helps to let them out. Just put certain people on ignore if you must, or merely ignore their posts.

 

There are many of "us" former OW who look back on the Affair with disgust, feelings of stupidity, and shame at what we allowed in our lives.

 

My best advice, release it. Release it all. Own what you did. Own it, work through it and move forward. Until you forgive yourself, you will stay stuck in the mud.

 

And good things WILL happen in your life. I am proof - I met my H a couple months after I ended the affair. I have been happily married almost 13 years now to a good, decent, honest, honorable, loving man.

 

Forgive yourself, chalk it up to a "lesson learned" and go forward.

[awkward]

I hope that tonight is better for you LB. I also hope that you forgive yourself soon.

[Ladyblue]

He let you believe that you two had a future. He gave you hope, and probably those times he told you that, he meant it too, but then once home, his focus and thought pattern changed. The man (any MM or MW) shouldn't be making long term plans, future arrangements, especially promises to their OW/OM until they've been legally separated or divorced. He really was in no position to follow through on anything based on his actions.

 

Be angry at him, but be angry at yourself. Let your ego and pride take over. Screw him! Use that anger to help you work through this and really let yourself grieve. Acceptance and letting go can help you so much.. Yes you love him, want him, miss him but he says one thing and does another. SO many MM (from what I've read recently and in the past) seem to, when it comes right down to it, really just wanted an affair, nothing more than that and obviously feelings grew and then they're left to deal with facing a decision..most of the time they don't leave yet obviously they do in certain circumstances.

 

Deep down you listen to your gut, and hopefully you're gut will guide you in the right direction and give strength on what you need to do so YOU feel better.

 

I am just overwhelmed with the support and kindness and understanding of everyone who has posted. I just want to thank every one of you for listening and letting me vent, and rant, and for your words of encouragement.

 

I haven't been on the forum much since yesterday, because I had been really really sick, stomach and all that sort of sick. Last night I was lying there so miserable, and thinking that maybe it was caused by the stress of facing all the memories and emotions, all the feelings coming up ---

 

Then you said, "listen to your gut!"

 

I just don't know how to reach a place of acceptance. I really let myself down, in a BIG way. I violated MY OWN boundaries. Conducted myself in ways that were unacceptable to ME. It was just at the time, I didn't see it that way. Lots of justification. We really were in love. We had loved each other forever. We were "supposed" to be together. She was a serial cheater. We weren't physical. Lots of justifying.

[Ladyblue]

I am sorry you are in pain.

 

Please do not beat yourself for entrusting your feelings to someone who claimed they loved you and wanted to be with you.

 

There is absolutely nothing pathetic or revolting about that.

 

And I do not believe anyone is laughing at your expense right now. The end of an affair is a painful time for everyone in the triangle.

 

Stay strong to your NC as it will help you sort through thoughts and feelings.

 

I strongly believe lying during an affair is not intentional; rather it is delusional to an extent that both parties really, really want those intense romantic feelings to continue.

 

I wish you peace and time to sort it all out.

 

Thank you, Spark. No problem with staying NC, except that once in a while, I'd like to ask him what the h*ll he thought he was doing! But that would be pointless.

 

It may not have been pathetic or revolting to trust my feelings to someone who claimed they loved me and wanted to be with me, but it was just plain stupid to believe it and act on it when he was still vey much married.

 

I really think a lot of it was that he didn't feel needed in many areas of his life at that time, and his marriage was a train wreck, and he KNEW from our life-long history that I loved and adored him. I was his aspirin. And his ego stroke. I alleviated some of the pain and created a huge diversion in his life. Neither of us had enough sense to realize it, for a long time. Eventually, the pain of it all brought the reality of it all home to me.

[Ladyblue]

Big hugs Ladyblue!

I recall some of those feelings all to well.

Try to look at it from the perspective of you are seeing the reality and what you are feeling is one more step in the right direction to healing and getting past it because that is what it is.

 

Thank you. I hope you're right that I am moving toward healing. I feel like I have a lot more healing to do than just a broken heart. I need to have some "character healing," too.

[Ladyblue]

Hi Ladyblue,

 

I feel for you. I know exactly those feelings. It's not only a women's thing, men grieve in the same way, they are just too proud to admit..

I'm still in love with xMW somehow, not the actual person but with the one she used to be. Affairs create more clinging and addiction than a normal relationship, as you said it, we are their fantasy but they are our reality.

You are so right with this! I am sorry you understand so well

 

All break-ups leave a huge emptiness and we just don't have any interest at other people...It is normal ! And it fades away with time. Then we realize that there are other wonderful people out there.

I hope so. I think it will take a while.

 

I can only say don't suppress your feelings, whatever you feel is OK to grieve. At least you understand your feelings; your are not trying to over-analyze his actions and ask "why" a million times, you are close to acceptance, that it was not meant to happen the way you wanted it to happen.

 

Oh, I asked myself "why" a million times before it ended, and as the Affair Fog began to lift, I gradually found the answers. Now I'm just dealing with myself. I guess that's progress.