why dont guys like to date women who have kids from another relationship?

[lostgirl]

why are guys scared off having a relationship with a woman who has a child? In the last 3 months i have scared off 2 guys because i had a child lol. I know it has hard 4 me to look outside the square i live in and see why it would be a daunting task, but i have tried and i dont understand why it is such a big deal.

[zarathustra]

It depends. Some men do not want to raise and/or support another man's child. They're much more concerned about their own DNA distribution. They simply don't want to share mom especially with another man's child. One can call these feelings "immature." But they are what they are.

 

Also, the biological father frequently hangs around like a noxious fly. The BF and biological mother have a bond that the suitor cannot hope to have--at least initially. There's always the perceived risk that the BF and BM will eventually reconcile for their child's sake.

 

Finally, the child, who clings to fantasies of just such a reconciliation for mom and dad, may be perceived as resenting mom's new bf as an obstacle to such reconciliation. This anticipated kiddie resentment can cool the ardor.

 

In the movie ET, I always thought the greatest fantasy did not involve the candy-munching Alien but the divorced mom's (with 3 kids) blossoming relationship with the Scientist.While that does happen, I bet it occurs much less frequently than the media represent. It certainly did not happen to my mother.

[Arabess]

Some guys care...some guys don't. If you have a child....you are a 'package' and need to find a guy who is willing to accept that. MOST of the time it will end up being a guy who has children of his own already.

 

I can understand. I have an 11 and 14 year old. If anyone wanted to raise THEM....I would immediately think the guy was a MORON....cause sometimes I don't even want them. LMAO!

 

If you have a younger child though, just give it some time. You'll meet the right person.

[capitald]

I do not think that a man that does not want to get involved with a women that has children is necessarily immature. That is just the posters projection of their own emotions onto the topic. Everyone has a right to their own preference, this is America. I personally want my own children. Besides the "immature" comment I think most of what Zarathustra is saying does have some validity and I think the real factor is that if a man runs away then he wasn't the right one for you. However, if this continually happens, you might look at your behavior and why you push men away, i.e. perhaps you are too controlling, too quickly get intense or take things way too personally (three things which I think hinder interpersonal relationships the most). Whatever you do, don't turn into a man-hater as there is no hope for them and don't give up, maybe the right guy is just around the bend. You just have to want him for the right reasons and not just to fufill your emptiness.

[from ND]

I been in 3 or 4 relationships with single moms, the last 4, they all had the same traits.A the mother would want me to get involved in helper her disipline the kids, when i interviened at her request, i later found she would hoild resentments because MY way wasnt like the biological fathers way. B) in all 4 relationships, the kids initially didnt take to me, and saw me as a threat to their da or mom possible rekindling, C) ALL 4 women at some point usually in the latter stage of each relationship, started talking of, comparing m,e to or were trying to contact their ex and D) from my experience, raising someone elses kids is something id rather not persue anymore.

[midori]

Originally posted by zarathustra

In the movie ET, I always thought the greatest fantasy did not involve the candy-munching Alien but the divorced mom's (with 3 kids) blossoming relationship with the Scientist.While that does happen, I bet it occurs much less frequently than the media represent. It certainly did not happen to my mother.

 

GOOD ONE, I always wondered about that too!

 

I don't have a problem with it, but I can imagine why many reasonable people would:

 

1. Less time for dates & stuff; more hassle -- e.g. babysitters who need you to be back by 11:30 sharp, like you said.

 

2. Exes who are always there, on the periphery, maybe not trying to win their former spouse back but causing trouble in any number of ways.

 

3. The obvious fact that if things get serious, they will be interacting on a regular basis with a kid their own (and since the people who decline to date you b/c of your kid(s) don't know your kid(s), it's reasonable for them to be worried about what your kids are like.) In other words, they could end up being sometimes somewhat responsible for a child whose upbringing they don't have a voice in.

 

I don't think it takes a lot of imagination to see why some people don't want to get involved with someone who has kids.

[Fedup&givingup]

I think Zara hit all the high notes on the issue.

[sportsloving]

lostgirl... don't give up... it isn't like your child will live at home forever! (j/k)

 

Seriously, there are so many issues facing "ready made" families... if I was a guy, it would take some serious thinking to start a relationship with a lady with children.

 

When my s/o and I began dating, he knew I had children, yet he had none of his own... and I would worry about him wanting to have his own (I can't/won't have anymore little peoples), how he would relate to mine (I really wish I had listened when my mom said mine would be ten times worse than I was... ugh), how the ex would behave ... what if it got serious, would he help raise them or leave it to me (like his and hers) and a million other things. Thankfully, it was all just worry. Now I just wonder what posessed him to want to tie himself to four ladies (two about to hit teenage years and one getting calls from boys at the lovely age of six). Perhaps I should see if he needs a shrink??

 

But I do know that somewhere out there, is a perfectly nice (handsome, caring, etc etc) wonderful man who loves children and will love you and yours as a total unit. Finding him might not be easy ... but when you do, kissing all the frogs will be worth it~

 

Best of luck!

[Darkangelism]

Its kinda scary that aabess has a child older then my brother and sister.

 

 

 

 

oh and some guys dont care. I personally wouldnt mind raising another's kids...when im a bit older.

[La Cerveza]

Originally posted by Darkangelism

Its kinda scary that aabess has a child older then my brother and sister.

 

 

 

Not scary, but somewhat surprising...seeing as how she still looks quite amazing for her age (going by her avatar anyway).

 

 

And my biggest fear with dating a woman with children would be the ex. I have enough trouble with my girlfriend's ex (they're still friends) and they don't have a living, breathing reason to keep in touch between them...

[faux]

I have no problem with younger children. I dated one woman who had a daughter just over one year old, and am currently somewhat involved with someone who's boy is going to hit the two-year mark in April.

 

More than one child, and especially children who were older would make me think twice. I have a lot yet to do in my life to get situated comfortably just on my own. Down the line I doubt I would have much of a problem with it, though. I'm certainly not shying away from dating the person I am talking to now.

[Beatnik]

I think a big part of it is that, for some guys, that kid from a previous relationship is a constant reminder that you have had sex with a man other than him, and we all know how possessive guys are. Plus if the biological father visits, that can be quite unnerving.

[Dug]

I have several friends who tried to have relationships with people who have kids from a previous marriage. Thye had several common complaints. Acceptance by the kids, comparisons to the missing parent, and the old relationship is never really over with the ex when kids are invloved.

[capitald]

Well lostgirl, these posters have painted a very tough picture of your situation but remember the situation is not hopeless! This post is useful for you in the way that it lets you know what to look out for on your end, i.e. what you can focus on improving.