angelboots Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) Please think twice before using another person to fix the gapping hole left in your chest by your ex. I was my now ex's rebound for a year while he was secretly pining for and manipulating hes way back into hes ex wifes life and all I can say is, being used hurts. You might find that at some point after your break up you want to go out into the world and get some affection and an ego stroke to help numb some of the pain you are feeling and if you do decide to take this course of action please be kind enough to the other person involved to be straight up about how you feel, get your bit of booty and then disappear. But please do NOT try to transfer your emotions from your ex onto the first person you think you may have a thing for. Do not tell her you love her if you dont, do not plan a future with her while the thought is in the back of your mind "maybe she will do until i get my ex back" You might find it distracts you from your pain, but in my experience now, all you really do is damage an innocent party who most likely does not deserve it. My now ex was separated from hes ex for just over two years when we started dating and by all accounts he seemed content for it to be over with her and she seemed to be the same.... Well he was lying. Now he and her are back together and he is still trying to keep me as hes back up plan for in case (re: when) she cheats on him again. I refuse to play. All I do know is I loved and was convinced to love, a guy who never even loved me in return. (he continues to message me "i love you, i am confused, scared, dont know what to do, i want you, i cant imagine you not in my life at the very least as a friend, please!! plus half a million frown faces" uuugggh lol ) He pushed and pushed to get me to trust him and to love him and once i let my guard down he threw it back in my face.. All i can ask is to think twice before you involve another person in your grieving process, be honest about where you are at and why. I am now jaded and feel as though i have a hole in my chest, but i know one thing i wont do is try to manipulate someone else into being my bandage. sorry for the rant. Edited January 21, 2011 by angelboots
xpaperxcutx Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Wow, your ex is an ass. Cut off all contact with him!!! I understand how badly this is to your self esteem, but honestly, you sound like a sweet girl who deserves so much later. The best revenge- live better than when they were in your life. If you find activities to do and move on, they will do any half assed attempt to try to get back into your lives. However, in the end, you're the winner. You get to stop dealing with his crap.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Please think twice before using another person to fix the gapping hole left in your chest by your ex. I was my now ex's rebound for a year while he was secretly pining for and manipulating hes way back into hes ex wifes life and all I can say is, being used hurts. Well he was lying. Now he and her are back together and he is still trying to keep me as hes back up plan for in case (re: when) she cheats on him again. I refuse to play. All I do know is I loved and was convinced to love, a guy who never even loved me in return. (he continues to message me "i love you, i am confused, scared, dont know what to do, i want you, i cant imagine you not in my life at the very least as a friend, please!! plus half a million frown faces" uuugggh lol ) I don't think he is or was lying. Especially if she did cheat on him. My xGF did that last year and I cut her out completely. Technically my current GF should be considered a rebound... but she isn't. She is amazing and I wouldn't trade her for anyone or anything. There are some very potent emotions going on with him. The rejection his x/W put on him is very powerful and you can't take it away. He is doing what he can to fix it... and once he does things will be clearer to him. He may realize how much better you are and want you back. I'm not sure I can explain how it feels, but basically he has something to prove to himself, and until it's done... he won't be able to see reality clearly. I'm sorry it hurts like this. Being used sucks, even if it isn't intentional.
mo mo Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 You make it sound like he planned all along to screw you over. It's definitely possible but situations like these are never clear cut cases of "evil people doing evil things" He may have meant it when he said sweet things and did all these things with you. Maybe something happened, or maybe he realized he loved the ex all along and was infatuated with this perception he had of you. Who knows? The point is, it still sucks for you, but don't think that anyone gets out of a relationship and knows exactly what he wants to do with the next person he meets. Things are never that simple.
Author angelboots Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 I wasn't referring to genuine people who do fall in love with someone else after a break up and yes my situation obviously is my own personal unique situation. I do believe that he was torn about hes choice to be with me but first chance he had of being back with her he took. I asked him early on when things became serious with us, if she was to come running back once hes life was back on track, would he leave me and hes answer was "hell no, she treated me like crap and was never happy, your my everything, your beautiful, smart, kind, funny, i never thought i would find someone like you... we married too fast too young (after three months when they were 20) and the person she is isn't the person i wanted her to be. I feel so lucky to have you" That said i was dropped like a hot potato as soon as he got hes promotion and she broke up with her current bf and got nostalgic. I mean literally one day we were doing great and declaring everlasting love and the next he just disappeared. We got back in touch over new years, three months after he left and were building or trying to re build our friendship, when i found out via an email that he was back with hes ex from the day we broke up..... yet in that time he was messaging me how "i was that far under hes skin he could never get me out, how much he missed me, how much he wanted me (sexually)" I think he could have saved me a lot of pain by realising he still had a lot to work on with himself before he started a relationship with me in the first place and he could have at least respected my feelings and maturity by being honest from the start. I am not a dramatic g/f by any stretch of the imagination i feel as though i was kept in the dark about hes feelings for her which took away my choice on how to handle the situation, my choice to decide did i want to risk my heart on a man who still had someone else in hes head and heart. Honestly if he had told me he still had feelings for her at any point i would have put the breaks on us and taken things back to friend level while he figured out what he wanted and worked through it all, then if he had decided it was me he wanted i would have been with him with out a seconds thought and i would still have had respect towards him and wouldn't feel as betrayed as I do if he had of chosen her in that time. I know their relationship will fail, she is fairly immature by all accounts, also is very money minded and needs a lot of exterior attention from men to feel good, I am not saying she is a bad person, she just has complex needs and is young... and he is tied in here in Aus (she is in Canada) until he finishes hes diploma at the end of next year so they would be trying to have a two year LDR with no physical contact.... I do hope they work their stuff out so i can comfort myself with the notion "they were meant to be together" I do actually hope she has had a change of beliefs and genuinely does love him and will treat him right, and that he will treat her right, but by messaging me what he does he isn't treating her right... also if he did try to come back later, i wont be having any of that. just because he has handled it all so badly and the hurt it has put me through is a deep ache. I wouldn't want to trust him again, i would think she did another of her G.I.Gs moves and he wanted to use me again until she came back. Again I repeat that this is just my experience, if a person still has unresolved issues with in themselves about their ex and thinks that if there ex was to want them back they would leave there current partner and go running back... maybe it would be kinder to not start a relationship with someone else. spend some time alone and heal not just for your sake but for the sake of anyone else you might meet in the future.
Nexus One Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) Thanks for this insightful post. You seem like a good person. when) she cheats on him again. I refuse to play. Statistics indicate that people who cheated once, are very likely to do it again, percentage-wise. So you might have to follow through on that. Edited January 22, 2011 by Nexus One
Author angelboots Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 thank you i certainly will be following through on that, though i hope it doesn't ever come up. It will be hard saying no but i have enough self insight to know that my trust is damaged and it would be the elephant in the room that he did that. While he is with her i do think friendship is off the table from my end so that way he cant fill the gaps with out her, by using our friendship as an emotional affair. If she can fill all hes needs then i do wish them well... if she cant then he needs to go on that journey alone and hopefully for hes future get real closure over her. I might consider friendship in the future if she isnt in it, but not if she is.. i dont want to rock that boat if i can help it lol
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