Enchanted Girl Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I never thought I'd be in a situation like this. Please help. I dated a guy for five years. We'll call him "L". We got engaged and were going to be married. We had the deepest conversations about ourselves and our lives. Our minds and hearts were on the same level as each other. He took me for granted sometimes though. Yelled at me abusively and neglected me. He would occasionally whimper about not getting to live out any of his bachelor years, since we started dating when he was 17. He finally broke up with me to try to experience the "amazing" life of a bachelor. Instead, he became a depressed alcoholic and I found a new boyfriend who we will call "R". R is very sweet to me. We've been dating for 2 months now and I actually live with him. So far, he is everything I want, except we come from different religions/worldviews (not a deal breaker for me, but there are parts of me I feel uncomfortable sharing with him) and he and my sex life sucks (is a deal breaker for me if we can't fix it.) He can't finish most of the time that we have sex. He claims he is attracted to me and that we are sexually compatible, but I have my doubts. Anyway, L called me one day and found out about R. L has had zero luck finding a new woman and now is desperate to have me back, but did not bother to try to beg for me back before he heard of R. L has the same worldview/thoughts as me. We communicate really well. And the sex was great, but I'm worried about him being emotionally abusive again and abandoning me again, since R is none of those things. I can share most things with R and he seems dependable, the sex is just bad and we might fight about religion someday. L claims that losing me was traumatic enough that he is different now, although he used to say that occasionally while I was in a relationship with him. That he had "changed" and would start treating me better, but then he wouldn't. He just HAS been acting differently and his friends all tell me he is miserable without me, so maybe things are different with him. And maybe he will value me more this time and not emotionally abuse me when we fight. I honestly have extremely strong feelings for both of them. I am worried about the futures with both of them though. How do I know who to choose? Are both bad? Is one good? Give your opinions and also advice, in general, about how to go about making this kind of choice. I am an indecisive person at best and I feel like this is one of the most important decisions I'll ever make in my life and that I'll regret it if I choose the wrong person.
0hpenelope Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 L cannot just tell you he changed, he has to show you he's changed. I think it's beautiful how you moved on from someone you loved very much. Your fears are valid and if he was abusive to you then, how has he evaluated himself? Losing you was traumatic to him, but has he realized that losing him was also traumatic to you? Is he willing to give you the time and the attention to sort your issues together? Can he wait for you? Although this is the hardest decision you've made, I can't help but point out that you are in a position most readers will envy. You moved on completely and you now have a not-so-enviable dilemma: having to choose. If you choose L, the relationship cannot be a continuation of the old one. Both of you have to start over. Get all of the bad things out, discuss them, treat them as luggage that you're not going to take in your new life together. Is a relationship with L worth all of this again? As for R, I think all relationships come with things that we have to compromise on. That sexual incompatibility is a concern since it's important to you and I think you did a good job in taking note of that red flag. Have you considered just not going with either man and moving on to find someone else? Just wondering. I hope you'll get more advice. I'm really hopeful for you and again, you are such a good example of what happens when people move on completely: they find happiness somewhere else, no matter what.
Els Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 EG... do you REALLY want someone who just wants you back because he had zero luck finding another woman? :/
Distant78 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I never thought I'd be in a situation like this. Please help. I dated a guy for five years. We'll call him "L". We got engaged and were going to be married. We had the deepest conversations about ourselves and our lives. Our minds and hearts were on the same level as each other. He took me for granted sometimes though. Yelled at me abusively and neglected me. He would occasionally whimper about not getting to live out any of his bachelor years, since we started dating when he was 17. He finally broke up with me to try to experience the "amazing" life of a bachelor. Instead, he became a depressed alcoholic and I found a new boyfriend who we will call "R". R is very sweet to me. We've been dating for 2 months now and I actually live with him. So far, he is everything I want, except we come from different religions/worldviews (not a deal breaker for me, but there are parts of me I feel uncomfortable sharing with him) and he and my sex life sucks (is a deal breaker for me if we can't fix it.) He can't finish most of the time that we have sex. He claims he is attracted to me and that we are sexually compatible, but I have my doubts. Anyway, L called me one day and found out about R. L has had zero luck finding a new woman and now is desperate to have me back, but did not bother to try to beg for me back before he heard of R. L has the same worldview/thoughts as me. We communicate really well. And the sex was great, but I'm worried about him being emotionally abusive again and abandoning me again, since R is none of those things. I can share most things with R and he seems dependable, the sex is just bad and we might fight about religion someday. L claims that losing me was traumatic enough that he is different now, although he used to say that occasionally while I was in a relationship with him. That he had "changed" and would start treating me better, but then he wouldn't. He just HAS been acting differently and his friends all tell me he is miserable without me, so maybe things are different with him. And maybe he will value me more this time and not emotionally abuse me when we fight. I honestly have extremely strong feelings for both of them. I am worried about the futures with both of them though. How do I know who to choose? Are both bad? Is one good? Give your opinions and also advice, in general, about how to go about making this kind of choice. I am an indecisive person at best and I feel like this is one of the most important decisions I'll ever make in my life and that I'll regret it if I choose the wrong person. Since this is basically an infidelity scenario, I suggest you tell R what you've been doing behind his back and move out (if that's his property) so that he can find someone else that truly loves him. Only 2 months and you're shacking up already?!
heartshaped Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Honestly dear it just sounds like you were on the rebound. I'm going to give you a piece of honest advice: you don't have to spend the rest of your life with either of these men. I would strongly recommend not going back to L because he's abusive. I've been abused by several people in my life and I've just got to tell you I'm a lot smarter and wiser for it and these type of people don't change. He just wants you back because he thought he'd find all these women to sleep with and didn't, but the second some woman comes around things will be over again. Being alone is not a bad thing.
edgeofdarkness Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 totally second heartshaped. Neither one is the 1 for u. give them both up and find someone who doesn't carry the risk of abusing you and is on your wavelenthgh in the religious/sex departments. the world is huge, loads of dudes out there, why limit yrself to these two losers?
denise_xo Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 There are so many smart, hot, intelligent, considerate men out there - MOVE ON from both of them. Emotionally abusive = deal breaker. He had five years to sort that out, and that's plenty. Bad sex = deal breaker. Even if the sex gets better, having different world views is really draining on a relationship in the long run. You notice it less during the first two years of infatuation/the high of being 'in love', but it just becomes more work over time. You can do better.
Rose T Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 These guys are right. You don't need Mr. R and you don't need Mr. L; you need Mr. X. He's out there! You've just got to believe. You really can do better.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Um... h-ll no. Not being sexually compatible with a guy does not automatically make it alright to backtrack to an abusive boyfriend. Of course, my self- esteem isn't as bruised as yours, and maybe your ego needs a little stroking just because the ex now wants you back.... I'm not trying to be a b-tch but you are an idiot if you consider either an option. Just because there are two guys in the picture does not it mandatory for you to pick either. Go look for a third guy WHO IS sexually compatible and not emotionally abusive.
Oscar Wilde Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Dear Enchanted Girl! You've received good advice from wise people on this forum and as Denise has stated before You can do better, much better. Bests regards! Oscar.
Recommended Posts