Does anybody else not want kids?

January 23, 2011

Because most people want to adopt babies, not older kids, older kids are shoved into homes, they rarely seem to be included in the statistics when it comes to counting how many unwanted children there are. There are millions of unwanted kids in the world.

Then why are there couples on 5-7 year waiting lists for adoption agencies?

January 24, 2011

Trust me, people have used all kinds of lines on me about how much I would want kids and how they are the best thing etc etc.

Not using any kind of line to get you to change your mind- what you do is your business.

I was stating how I felt about it.

How it would feel takes a really sloppy second place to financial concerns, lifestyle preferences, personality conflicts (no patience for example), mental state, maturity, etc.

Well actually with all due respect you have no idea how it feels. So you can't place it second or anywhere.

Of course its not enough of a reason to have children- having them as an ego boost is probably one of the worst reasons you can have them, but still, I underestimated how it would feel

January 24, 2011

One more thing- if you don't want kids, thats fine. I don't know why people have to get so defensive about it and start spouting off long lists of reasons as to why they don't want them.

Giving reasons such as "kids are boring and irritate me" is just rude and isn't going to win you respect from the other side for your decision. Kids ARE boring and irritating to nearly everyone at times, including their parents. Every single one of us has driven our parents nuts.

Whether you are financially secure or not, whether you have read any parenting books or not, nearly every single one of us is biologically programmed to and capable of producing and nurturing children. Its not rocket science, although some parenting "experts" and toy manufacturers would have you believe otherwise.

I respect the decision NOT to have children, but often the "reasons" are insulting to those of us that do.

You'd be better off to just say " I don't want children." end of. Much easier to respect that.

January 24, 2011

The whole point of a thread like this is to express one's feelings about the issue and vent a bit about being hassled about having kids.

There are reams of threads by OM/OM about how wonderful and magical that all is, when many of us consider that the same as waxing rapturous about how wonderful being an alcoholic is (something bad for you and others, is my point), but they are allowed to go on. So what is wrong with ONE thread where those of us who don't care for kids can vent a bit?? Without having mothers coming down on us and telling us to shut up??

January 24, 2011

I personally don't want to be a father. I have enough problems taking care of myself, that I wouldn't be good at taking care of a child (that depends on me.) I am a good "cat parent", but they are slightly more self sufficient than a child.

Also, I don't want to spoil my golden years by having to clean up diapers or listen to screaming and crying from the other room. I have a sister, who has 5 kids, and believe me I never want to be in that situation. I'd go crazy even taking care of one child!

Anyway, can anybody relate? Once you get married, does your perspective change? Or will I always feel this way?

Oh, and by the way, I've felt this way all of my life. I've never wanted children, even when I was a child myself.

This was the original post. Not a venting one. He actually asks questions.

Note bolded part.

And if you want to vent, fine- but don't expect everyone to agree with you, this is a public forum after all.

January 24, 2011

Haha. Check the paragraph above that. It's a fine vent, and believe me, I'm used to having people disagree with me about the wonders of raising brats.

January 24, 2011

And the flip side is being raised by a man who should have never had his name on 8 kids birth certificates for he bore no skills or desire to parent.

So I "GET" where the OP is coming from. Thank heavens he has the wits to make an informed decision that is right for his mindset and lifestyle.

HIS perspective is his and deserves regarded . I unfortunately cannot relate per se as I have children (grown), yet I do have an endearing friend that freely chose to not have children . I admire her and vice versa as we see thru each others experiences and validate our own life choices.

January 24, 2011

Haha. Check the paragraph above that. It's a fine vent, and believe me, I'm used to having people disagree with me about the wonders of raising brats.

If you didn't have to resort to using such derogatory words, I would have so much more respect for your posts.

Again, if you don't want children, no biggie to me. Your decision is yours, and if you make your points without criticising or demeaning those who DO have children, even better.

Sometimes I wonder if the long lists of reasons are merely excuses because deep down people are scared of becoming parents.

It would be totally understandable and normal if they were.

January 24, 2011

This thread is for people to reply who don't want kids, or those who didn't want kids but changed their minds when they got married, so unless you're the latter I'm not sure why you are posting.

I think it is natural to be scared/nervous about becoming parents, it's a huge responsibility to be a parent after all, but I think it is highly unlikely that most people who don't have kids don't because they are scared, if you want kids you do it regardless. It's a little insulting to say we don't have kids because we are scared, like you're implying my reasons or anyone else's aren't valid, or that it's a weak point of ours, when actually it is well thought out choice.

I'm 44 and have had plenty of time to think it through very carefully.

If you didn't have to resort to using such derogatory words, I would have so much more respect for your posts.

Again, if you don't want children, no biggie to me. Your decision is yours, and if you make your points without criticising or demeaning those who DO have children, even better.

Sometimes I wonder if the long lists of reasons are merely excuses because deep down people are scared of becoming parents.
It would be totally understandable and normal if they were.

January 24, 2011

Like I said in my other post this thread was meant for people who don't want kids, so maybe some of us wanted, or felt able to, vent a bit amongst others who don't want kids and share our various reasons with others who understand our reasons.

You sounds very defensive yourself.

None of us are here to win respect from anyone else about why we don't want kids, I don't need your approval or anyone else's!

> nearly every single one of us is biologically programmed to and capable of producing and nurturing children. Its not rocket science <

I agree with this, but not everyone is capable of being a *good* parent, or being a loving parent.

Like I said earlier, I wish *everyone* would think before having kids and not just follow the crowd and do it because it's the done thing, many people do not make good or suitable parents; fact.

One more thing- if you don't want kids, thats fine. I don't know why people have to get so defensive about it and start spouting off long lists of reasons as to why they don't want them.

Giving reasons such as "kids are boring and irritate me" is just rude and isn't going to win you respect from the other side for your decision. Kids ARE boring and irritating to nearly everyone at times, including their parents. Every single one of us has driven our parents nuts.

Whether you are financially secure or not, whether you have read any parenting books or not, nearly every single one of us is biologically programmed to and capable of producing and nurturing children. Its not rocket science, although some parenting "experts" and toy manufacturers would have you believe otherwise.

I respect the decision NOT to have children, but often the "reasons" are insulting to those of us that do.

You'd be better off to just say " I don't want children." end of. Much easier to respect that.

January 24, 2011

i can honestly say that i don't want kids. not that i have anything against kids. i just don't think i'm cut out for motherhood. i'm not the warm fuzzy nurturing type; more importantly i don't have a whole lot of patience - - esp when it comes to screaming babies and temper tantrums. but i've been told by friends who are parents that they felt the same way before they had kids and it's different when you have a child of your own. so who knows. but i'm still not too keen on the idea of having any. simply put - - i just don't feel like taking on the responsibility of raising a child. and i don't think it would be fair to bring a child into this world unless i am.

January 24, 2011

I personally don't want to be a father. I have enough problems taking care of myself, that I wouldn't be good at taking care of a child (that depends on me.) I am a good "cat parent", but they are slightly more self sufficient than a child.

Also, I don't want to spoil my golden years by having to clean up diapers or listen to screaming and crying from the other room. I have a sister, who has 5 kids, and believe me I never want to be in that situation. I'd go crazy even taking care of one child!

Anyway, can anybody relate? Once you get married, does your perspective change? Or will I always feel this way?

Good for you! It's very impt knowing what you can & can't handle. Not wanting children doesn't make you a bad person btw.

I didn't want kids either, then I had my daughter.. now my heart breaks everytime I hear about a missing child or a child found dead. I love babies but I don't want anymore. I want part time, not full time! Being on call 24/7 is no fun. My child is @ the age of independence now and I'm relieved.

January 24, 2011

If you didn't have to resort to using such derogatory words, I would have so much more respect for your posts.

Again, if you don't want children, no biggie to me. Your decision is yours, and if you make your points without criticising or demeaning those who DO have children, even better.

Sometimes I wonder if the long lists of reasons are merely excuses because deep down people are scared of becoming parents.
It would be totally understandable and normal if they were.

Absolutely, I was afraid to become a parent because I knew I wouldn't like it. Better to know this before you become a parent.

It's interesting that you ask certain posters who do not want children to make their points without criticising or demeaning those who do. I agree with you but why is it that people who do not approve of people who don't want children have no problem voicing their opinions (criticising and demeaning remarks) about our choices. I've never heard a person who didn't want kids ask a person who does "what are you thinking wanting to have children????" Yet the people who do actually think it is their business to question someone about a choice that is so personal.

January 24, 2011

Not using any kind of line to get you to change your mind- what you do is your business.

I was stating how I felt about it.

Well actually with all due respect you have no idea how it feels. So you can't place it second or anywhere.

Sorry that you are feeling defensive too, SB. I wasn't telling you that you made the wrong decision to have kids. I hope you are a good parent. I was just stating why I am really on the fence about them.

I also don't know how getting raped feels, and I would not like to experience it. Yes they are different things, but being raped and having kids are both very life altering experiences.... although for very different reasons. Different ends of the spectrum as it were.

January 24, 2011

I wish everyone could think as responsibly as you!

i can honestly say that i don't want kids. not that i have anything against kids. i just don't think i'm cut out for motherhood. i'm not the warm fuzzy nurturing type; more importantly i don't have a whole lot of patience - - esp when it comes to screaming babies and temper tantrums. but i've been told by friends who are parents that they felt the same way before they had kids and it's different when you have a child of your own. so who knows. but i'm still not too keen on the idea of having any. simply put - - i just don't feel like taking on the responsibility of raising a child. and i don't think it would be fair to bring a child into this world unless i am.

January 24, 2011

I wish everyone could think as responsibly as you!

thanks hevenorhell. having been adopted by a mother who pined for kids for years and then sort of got bored (or maybe overwhelmed) with the responsibilities of caring for me and my brother (who she didn't adopt but had biologically) i'm sort of soured on the whole parenting experience. my mom was a great provider in terms of making sure my brother and i had the basics like food, clothes, etc. and i know she loves us. but emotionally she was a wreck. which would explain why i wound up in and out of therapy for 20 years and my brother drinks like a fish. i don't doubt that parenting can be a rewarding experience but based on what i've seen it's best suited to people who feel they can take on the many challenges that it presents. i've been able to pull myself together for the most part but i'm nowhere near confident in my abilities to be responsible for anyone other than myself.

January 24, 2011

This thread is for people to reply who don't want kids, or those who didn't want kids but changed their minds when they got married, so unless you're the latter I'm not sure why you are posting.

No its not- the OP asked if some people changed their minds about becoming parents after they got married. Many people do. I did. Therefore I felt my input may be worthwhile- and the OP thought so too.

Anyone can post anywhere. Didn't see any restricted access signs.

I think it is natural to be scared/nervous about becoming parents, it's a huge responsibility to be a parent after all, but I think it is highly unlikely that most people who don't have kids don't because they are scared, if you want kids you do it regardless. It's a little insulting to say we don't have kids because we are scared, like you're implying my reasons or anyone else's aren't valid, or that it's a weak point of ours, when actually it is well thought out choice.

Yes, I respect the fact that its a well thought out choice.

I am sorry if you are insulted- but I honestly do think that SOME people state they don't want kids because they are scared of having children- and being scared also means that you generally have thought through the process.

The reason I think its a shame (not a weak point) sometimes, because as I said in my first or second post, people with the brains to think things through in this kind of way probably WOULD be good parents, and the world needs more good parents.

Its the ones that don't think things through and do it regardless that have a tendency to be bad at it, but the unfortunate problem with them is that bad parents usually don't have a clue that they are bad.

And they aren't the ones reading this thread either.

You sounds very defensive yourself.
None of us are here to win respect from anyone else about why we don't want kids, I don't need your approval or anyone else's!
.

You have it by virtue of me not caring what you do with your life one way or another.

I am defensive because I haven't insulted anyone intentionally on this thread for their choices, yet some words like "brats" and other derogatory words describing parents have been thrown around.

I don't have to justify my actions to you either.

Absolutely, I was afraid to become a parent because I knew I wouldn't like it. Better to know this before you become a parent.
It's interesting that you ask certain posters who do not want children to make their points without criticising or demeaning those who do. I agree with you but why is it that people who do not approve of people who don't want children have no problem voicing their opinions (criticising and demeaning remarks) about our choices. I've never heard a person who didn't want kids ask a person who does "what are you thinking wanting to have children????" Yet the people who do actually think it is their business to question someone about a choice that is so personal.

I haven't once said I don't "approve" of people not having children.

In many cases I think its a shame (see above) because the large majority of child free people I know WOULD be great parents, and my stance on it is the more great parents there are out there the better for our worlds future.

However, its their choice, of course.

I guess its similar to the whole weight issue. Its harder to comment on something thats harder to change ie- someone gets pregnant people can't exactly say WTF are you doing? (even though I am sure in some cases people do) they same way they don't if someone is overweight.

Yet if someone is thin or NOT pregnant, its more socially acceptable to comment about it.

For the record, when you are pregnant and have children, its amazing how many people suddenly think you want their opinion on everything to do with your size, your labour, your baby etc, you become everyones business, even the checkout lady thinks its OK to tell you how enormous you are or how you should be doing x yz to stop your baby crying.

So we're not immune either.

January 26, 2011

No its not- the OP asked if some people changed their minds about becoming parents after they got married. Many people do. I did. Therefore I felt my input may be worthwhile- and the OP thought so too.

That's why I said in my post to you, (and you quoted my quote)>
This thread is for people to reply who don't want kids, or those who didn't want kids but changed their minds when they got married, so unless you're the latter I'm not sure why you are posting< So obviously yes you are included in that, so fair enough!

I am sorry if you are insulted- but I honestly do think that SOME people state they don't want kids because they are scared of having children- and being scared also means that you generally have thought through the process.
Yes probably some are scared after thinking it through, others think it through and aren't scared but it just doesn't appeal to them for various reasons

The reason I think its a shame (not a weak point) sometimes, because as I said in my first or second post, people with the brains to think things through in this kind of way probably WOULD be good parents, and the world needs more good parents.
Some of us who don't want kids would make good parents I'm sure, but even if we would doesn't mean we should go ahead and have them for that reason in an already overpopulated world lacking resources. The world needs better parents for the kids already here.

Its the ones that don't think things through and do it regardless that have a tendency to be bad at it, but the unfortunate problem with them is that bad parents usually don't have a clue that they are bad.
And they aren't the ones reading this thread either.
Very true.

I haven't once said I don't "approve" of people not having children.
In many cases I think its a shame (see above) because the large majority of child free people I know WOULD be great parents, and my stance on it is the more great parents there are out there the better for our worlds future.
However, its their choice, of course.
Yes it's their (and my) choice, but I often find when I say I don't want children that people often say 'that's a shame' or 'you'd make a wonderful mum' almost like they're trying to change my mind, or thinking I've made the wrong choice.

January 26, 2011

I can see why you would think people are trying to change your mind, and nothing gets my back up more than that either!

Yesterday I had a patient who is a cop, and he is about to retire. He sounded so jaded and said the things he sees in his job really worry him and he worries about the kind of world our children and grandchildren are going to have to live in.

That made me worry whether or not I have done the right thing by having a child... and I already have her! I worry whether or not she is going to have a nice world to live in.

All this worry can't be good, not that i can do much about it except try and bring her up to be a good person....

January 26, 2011

One of the reasons I didn't have children is because I worried about the sort of world I would be bringing them into, so I can understand how you feel, but you clearly care very much about her welfare and sound like a great mum, so you are giving the best possible chance for a happy life.

I can see why you would think people are trying to change your mind, and nothing gets my back up more than that either!

Yesterday I had a patient who is a cop, and he is about to retire. He sounded so jaded and said the things he sees in his job really worry him and he worries about the kind of world our children and grandchildren are going to have to live in.

That made me worry whether or not I have done the right thing by having a child... and I already have her! I worry whether or not she is going to have a nice world to live in.
All this worry can't be good, not that i can do much about it except try and bring her up to be a good person....

January 27, 2011

Absolutely, I was afraid to become a parent because I knew I wouldn't like it. Better to know this before you become a parent.

It's interesting that you ask certain posters who do not want children to make their points without criticising or demeaning those who do. I agree with you but why is it that people who do not approve of people who don't want children have no problem voicing their opinions (criticising and demeaning remarks) about our choices. I've never heard a person who didn't want kids ask a person who does "what are you thinking wanting to have children????" Yet the people who do actually think it is their business to question someone about a choice that is so personal.

EXACTLY. Cannot count the number of times people have been busy bodies and feel they MUST comment on my not having kids, and always have to interject, "oh what a shame", "oh, you will regret that", "oh you will change your mind, you don't know what you are missing", on and on and on. I have never once turned it the other way round on them.

SB129, sorry, I was yanking your chain a bit with the brat comment. My bad? You sound like a great mother and are exactly the kind of person who is up to the task and the responsibility of raising the next generation. More power to you.

January 27, 2011

Anyway, can anybody relate? Once you get married, does your perspective change? Or will I always feel this way?

Oh, and by the way, I've felt this way all of my life. I've never wanted children, even when I was a child myself.

Im in my late 30's and I cant stand being around children. I am not AFRAID of having children, I genuinely cant stand them. There are too many benefits to living life in this big world without them, and there are too many children in this world already. I leave that to people who actually want to enjoy raise them. I know I dont want them, will never have them, and soon as I get some benefits again to cover any possible adverse reactions, I am getting snipped. I am pretty sure I will never want children especially since I've seen so many relationships that cant handle that sort of trauma. So youre not alone.

Edited January 27, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

January 28, 2011

SB129, sorry, I was yanking your chain a bit with the brat comment. My bad? You sound like a great mother and are exactly the kind of person who is up to the task and the responsibility of raising the next generation. More power to you.

One of the reasons I didn't have children is because I worried about the sort of world I would be bringing them into, so I can understand how you feel, but you clearly care very much about her welfare and sound like a great mum, so you are giving the best possible chance for a happy life.

Thanks.

You guys still help make the world we live in a good better/OK place even if you don't have children, so I'll let you off the breeding hook.

January 28, 2011

Thanks.

You guys still help make the world we live in a good better/OK place even if you don't have children, so I'll let you off the breeding hook.

Hahaha! The visual on that is great and just about how I look at it!

January 29, 2011

I personally don't want to be a father. I have enough problems taking care of myself, that I wouldn't be good at taking care of a child (that depends on me.) I am a good "cat parent", but they are slightly more self sufficient than a child.

Also, I don't want to spoil my golden years by having to clean up diapers or listen to screaming and crying from the other room. I have a sister, who has 5 kids, and believe me I never want to be in that situation. I'd go crazy even taking care of one child!

Anyway, can anybody relate? Once you get married, does your perspective change? Or will I always feel this way?

Oh, and by the way, I've felt this way all of my life. I've never wanted children, even when I was a child myself.

A lot of people feel the way you do, Leaning.

When I was in my early 20s, I couldn't wait to have kids. After one divorce with no kids, I thought, ok my next relationship will result in marriage and children. Nope. It didn't. Even at the start of my current relationship, I was set on having kids. In my 30s, still not married, relationship rocky, I just don't see myself having the right conditions in my life to have kids. I've gotten so used to being single and independent, I don't think I want them anymore. The stable, secure life and relationship it would take to raise healthy kids doesn't seem possible. I think I'm okay with not ever having kids. They're a lot of work, and I don't think I can handle the responsibility if I stay with my current partner.

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