trustyman Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I've recently got dumped from a 5 yr relationship. We grew up in church together when we were teenagers. We never like or developed crushes when we were young with each other. But after I was of age (18) I decided to fall out of church and start thinking on my own. When I turned 24 I decided that I did believe in my faith and started to go back. She was 20 at the time and we started to develop feelings for each other. I chased her and she played hard to get. Eventually a couple month later we started dating. During the 5 years of our relationship it was rocky at times because of our immaturities. We were both our first real gf and bf. We would brake up from time to time but never more than 1 day or enough time for a couple of hours to cool off and come back together. I started to realize something different in her when she started to work in a Casino atmosphere. She had good morals and beliefs but the influences on her coworkers was too much for her to keep. She started to lie to me and then started to loose patience. Then last year in April she broke up with me. I figured it was just one of those times where she needed some space and we were going to work thing out. But not this time. She started dating some guy at her work who was Divorce once, and his second marriage was on the rocks. He was 13 yrs older than her and also had a kid. He had a long list of bad character problem like; he was a pathological lier, gambling problem, bi-polar. Everything opposite of me. She even once said she liked him because he was opposite of me and he was fun to be around with. During this time I didn't want to separate myself from her and I still chased her and wanted to work things out. My type of personality was never give up and work things out no matter what. So I stuck around and did everything I can to make it work. Whether it was bring her breakfast every morning or do the smallest things I did whatever I can to work it out. Her relationship didn't last long. She saw the bad side of him and broke it off a month later. I still did my part to work things out and we eventually got back together a month later. Everything seemed great we got engaged and started to map out the rest of our lives together. I thought everything was going well until the day after thanksgiving. She didn't invite me to her Christmas party because she didn't want to entertain me and her coworkers. Like seriously i'm pretty sociable I don't need a circus clown to be entertained. That started to raise suspicion. I started to look at her cell phone records. I kept on finding out that once she would leave my house or after I left her house at midnight she would text or call a certain number. I called the number and later found out it was another guy at her work. So one day I told her that I knew she was talking to someone after we left or I left on the phone. I knew that she was texting and calling till late nights like 3 or 4am. So finally she got fed up of everything and waited before it became a big enough fight that she broke up with me the day after christmas. She told me that she was no longer in love with me and that she fell out. But she was afraid to make the decision because she didn't want to make the wrong one. She kept on telling me that I was a really great guy but doesn't love me anymore. She later on said that her decision was only 90% sure. I did the NC for 5 days then broke. I called and talked to reason and fight things through but nothing materialized from it. I did the NC again for a week but then broke and called her at 4 am. Only to find out that she was just getting home from hanging out with the guy she was secretly talking to behind my back. She admitted that they did kiss but not have sex. I was devastated. At first I was in (sad) rejection. Then second I was angry, then sad, then angry. I kept on bouncing back and forth from the 1st through 3rd stages of grieving. So last night I finally texted her and was nice enough to end it on a good note. I know that women think differently then guys. So my question are: Why does she bounce from relationship to relationship to relationship? She never went through the grieving stage with me at all. Was she really in love or did she fake the thing which is hard to believe. Does dating your coworkers work out? Do rebounds work out? Does rebounding on your coworker work out? Since women are more emotional than men, Do women come to realization easier than men when they make mistakes? Sometimes I think men are more egotistical and let their emotion get the better of them and not realize their mistakes till they brake down all their walls. How long does a crush last? I know I have a lot of questions but this is my first heart break and wanting to learn how to deal with it. Any advice would help...
Duckduckgoose Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 So my question are: Why does she bounce from relationship to relationship to relationship? She never went through the grieving stage with me at all. Was she really in love or did she fake the thing which is hard to believe. Does dating your coworkers work out? Do rebounds work out? Does rebounding on your coworker work out? Since women are more emotional than men, Do women come to realization easier than men when they make mistakes? Sometimes I think men are more egotistical and let their emotion get the better of them and not realize their mistakes till they brake down all their walls. How long does a crush last? I know I have a lot of questions but this is my first heart break and wanting to learn how to deal with it. Any advice would help... Bouncing from one relationship to the next is an avoidance mechanism. Sort of like drinking too much. It doesn't stop the grief, just masks it for a while. When people jump from one relationship to the next they are trying to escape the hurt and healing that needs to happen after a relationship ends. It will catch up with her and then she will be miserable. It sucks to hear this but a person HAS to grieve the loss of a relationship... reflect back and learn from it. It will just catch up with you if you don't... like an avalanche that gets bigger and bigger the faster you run. You can't run forever. She probably was in love, but being fickle as she sounds and immature as you have stated, she wasn't ready to handle emotions like that. So she ran. I don't know if dating your co-workers works out for everyone. In the three instances I did it, it did NOT and I still had to see and deal with them. It was like rubbing salt in the wound. Rebounds tend not to work out either. You have to grieve and heal before you move to the next relationship, and also learn some of the bad things you did in the previous relationship before you move on... otherwise you are taking yourself and all your bad habits and baggage and dumping them on another person. Does rebounding on a co-worker work out? Well... it could, but more than likely not. A co-worker I dated rebounded off of me with another co-worker, one he knew I hated... they ended up getting engaged and living together for a while, then splitting. I don't know the story there, but the point is it didn't work out. Do women realize their mistakes sooner than men? I guess it would depend on their personality. I didn't realize my mistakes until after my stbxH left me. I wish he would have clued me in earlier. However I do not know if he is realizing his mistakes, as I don't speak with him. It might be less a matter of when you realize your mistakes and more a matter of what you do when you HAVE realized your mistakes. The wise thing to do would be to correct them in future behaviour since you can't change the past. And finally, how long does a crush last? Who knows. I still have a little bit of a crush on guys from High School, and I am 27 now. I don't think those crushes will ever go away if that's what you want to know. There were some guys I crushed on that the infatuation faded after a bit though. This is just the perspective of one female though... there are other women, and men out there with differing views from me.
Author trustyman Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Thank you DDG! I've deleted her completely off my Facebook. Off my pictures, and off my friends. I've also deleted all my text of her and her phone number as well. I've done some pretty big steps to try to move on and deal with it better than the first time with her. Although I am confused, I did ask her to remove me from her pictures on her FB she said ok but still kept it on. Her BF changed her picture a couple days ago and then she later changed it back from the one with me and her. I know that maybe she likes the picture but i'm sure she could have cropped me out of it. Besides it was taken at night with a cell phone so its not like the best looking picture.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 You seem like man with some class. Just don't jump into another relationship right away (it's hard... I know). Take some time to heal and be single before you date again. Don't take what she posts on Facebook seriously... hell don't even look at her Facebook anymore. I've read a lot of what other people have dealt with as far as Facebook drama goes. The ex knows you are looking at their FB so they might sometimes leave crumbs there. Its kind of mean-spirited.
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