vtbrokenhearted Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Quick run through- my stbx left me four months ago; two months after our wedding and nine years together. A month after he left, his parents came up to try to help us talk and it ended up they wanted to offer some advice. Their visit was probably one of the worst things I could have allowed to happen, but it happened. When they were up, his mom told me that her son was just going through a difficult time, his head wasn't right and he was overwhelmed and being selfish. Really? I thought. Hmmmm...excellent observation. Anyhow, she told me that I should really consider reconciling to which I said, "What are you not understanding? All he can say is, I don't want you anymore." She told me she understood the feeling. She told me that my father-in-law had left her twice; once right after my stbx was born for a few months because he thought she wasn't paying enough attention to him, and a second time for a few months because he was having an affair with another woman. She said she forgave him. The sad thing is, is that we together also found out that my father-in-law had been paying for my stbx's truck from the time he had purchased it. The lies came out like steam from a kettle. I'm just wondering if this is a pattern? My stbx said he knew nothing about what had happened in their relationship. His dad, every time I talked with him, kept repeating that this was all his fault. Do cheaters typically have a history of cheating within their family? Why do you think it is? Just curious.
Owl Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Hereditary? No. But, children learn relationships by observing the adults in their lives. Most especially their parents. So it's entirely possible/probable that your H learned his relationship habits/skills/etc... by watching his father, who ended up being unfaithful. And I've seen more posters that I can count who were MM/MW and or OW/OM who mention that their parents were unfaithful at some point as well. I DO believe that it tends to 'run in families'...for the reasons I mentioned above.
HalfAlive22 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I agree, My H's father was a cheater..ended up a very lonely man. My parents on the other hand have been married for 43 years, no infidelity..I"m quite certain, so to them our whole situation is completely foreign!
BB07 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.......not heredity.
Snowflower Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.......not heredity. I agree with this. Poor coping mechanisms are often taught early in life and then reinforced.
Eeyore79 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 As Owl said, people learn their habits from their parents... people from broken homes are statistically more likely to get divorced later in life. A child who saw their parents divorce has learned that divorce is an acceptable solution if things arent going perfectly. A child who saw his father hit his mother has learned that violence is an acceptable response to conflict. A child who saw infidelity between his parents has learned that infidelity is to be expected, and he will expect forgiveness for cheating if he saw his mother forgive his father's infidelities. So while infidelity isn't hereditary in a genetic sense, it often repeats across generations due to learned behavior.
Author vtbrokenhearted Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 The weird thing is that he says he wasn't aware of those two incidents. That's what's strange. I totally agree with all of you though. It seems like such an obvious answer, but I guess I just couldn't see it until now. Thanks.
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 The weird thing is that he says he wasn't aware of those two incidents. That's what's strange. I totally agree with all of you though. It seems like such an obvious answer, but I guess I just couldn't see it until now. Thanks. He may not be aware of the specific incidents but he is aware of how his father showed little respect for his mother. He has chosen the same path but he didn't inherit his selfishness...he learned it at the knee of his parent.
Author vtbrokenhearted Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 It's sad. I really understand what everyone's saying; it makes complete sense, but it's so sad. It's sad that people have so little respect for others and can't find it within themselves to be honest, but it's also sad that sometimes people don't know who their trusting. And confusing, very confusing. You think you know a person and, bam, who they are comes barreling at you.
Spark1111 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 One question asked by psychs is: were there multiple wives and multiple husbands in your family history? It goes to a pattern of instability and poor coping skills, which is learned from our parents. Another character trait learned at a very young age is conflict avoidance. If children see their parents negotiate and communicate in a calm and loving manner, they will learn to also. But if issues are swept under rugs, or they hear "Don't tell your father, mother, it will upset them," well guess what they just learned? How to avoid conflict and how to keep secrets....very, very damaging. Your stbx left? Just like daddy. It is learned behavior. With children, it is ALL about role model. Not what you say, but what you do that is being learned.
Author vtbrokenhearted Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Another character trait learned at a very young age is conflict avoidance. If children see their parents negotiate and communicate in a calm and loving manner, they will learn to also. But if issues are swept under rugs, or they hear "Don't tell your father, mother, it will upset them," well guess what they just learned? How to avoid conflict and how to keep secrets....very, very damaging. Your stbx left? Just like daddy. It is learned behavior. You are exactly right in everything you've said. His parents did and do avoid talking about everything in depth. He always said that his dad was the one who told him to never tell his om things and then he did the same thing. I did reach a point where I felt so sorry for her. That she's been lied to for years and I don't know if she's aware of it. I did grasp the last last thing you said. I actually said in anger to his mom, well, look at that, like father, like son. I thought after I had said it that it was harsh, but it's so true. I hope that some day my stbx will learn this. I've tried talking to him about it and how his parents are still teaching him how not to approach situations, but it doesn't seem to matter. I know, I know, he's not going to listen to a word I say. It just blows my mind how people can be so blind in a stagnant state.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I tend to think its learned as well..not hereditary! My spouses father did the same...but on a more extreme level. He had 2 kids with his real nasty mistress! I don't understand the concept of the mother giving you this pep talk either..I think thats more annoying. My mother in law told me straight up that although she would be extremely upset if we split..she would completely understand my reason for leaving. She also told me a lot of very insightful things about her struggles with my father in law. I hate people who try to minimize something so significant as infedility!
PegNosePete Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 My ex's parents have been married a long time with no history of infidelity (AFAIK). So she can't have got it genetically or learned it from them. I blame sex on TV and violent video games.
Billy_Boy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 maybe culturally... as in what you have learned growing up. In my case I have never cheated on anyone, not even a stolen kiss. My father used to cheat on my mother, to the point that I have a half sister a month younger then I... If I ever cheated, I know that thats what I would be thinking about, how I was like my father and doing to some girl what I saw him do to my mother, who was my life as a young child, all boys a mommas boys before their teens usually. And I never could stomach what he did to her, and I refused to ever be that way.
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 maybe culturally... as in what you have learned growing up. In my case I have never cheated on anyone, not even a stolen kiss. My father used to cheat on my mother, to the point that I have a half sister a month younger then I... If I ever cheated, I know that thats what I would be thinking about, how I was like my father and doing to some girl what I saw him do to my mother, who was my life as a young child, all boys a mommas boys before their teens usually. And I never could stomach what he did to her, and I refused to ever be that way. So you used your brain and decided that you wanted to have integrity and live by a certain standard. You made a CHOICE. We all have them and so many people who do the wrong thing like to dismiss their choice in the matter and blame something as stupid as "I couldn't help how I felt" or " You can't help who you love" . That is the one thing I have made sure my children learned from this whole mess...choices have consequences. Own your choices and accept the consequences.
rowell2024 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 maybe culturally... as in what you have learned growing up. In my case I have never cheated on anyone, not even a stolen kiss. My father used to cheat on my mother, to the point that I have a half sister a month younger then I... If I ever cheated, I know that thats what I would be thinking about, how I was like my father and doing to some girl what I saw him do to my mother, who was my life as a young child, all boys a mommas boys before their teens usually. And I never could stomach what he did to her, and I refused to ever be that way. You're not alone. My father is/was a serial cheater and had a gambling habit. We as children, saw the great pain he inflicted on our mother and what gambling did to our childhood and family. As such, we all vowed we would NEVER EVER be like our father. All of us kids, have such a strong aversion to cheating and gambling. That's how traumatized we were.
carhill Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 My datapoint is dad was abandoned by his first wife and children during WW2. Dear John letter while he was in Italy. He and my mom were married for life and no evidence of infidelity on either side. Strong moral examples. For myself, few sexual partners and always within LTR's. I had an EA during my M, the results of which led to a D. So, an apparent anomaly, if there is any truth to genetics/nurture being causal. I had no 'reason' or 'excuse' for the choice I made. EOS.
Billy_Boy Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 So you used your brain and decided that you wanted to have integrity and live by a certain standard. You made a CHOICE. We all have them and so many people who do the wrong thing like to dismiss their choice in the matter and blame something as stupid as "I couldn't help how I felt" or " You can't help who you love" . That is the one thing I have made sure my children learned from this whole mess...choices have consequences. Own your choices and accept the consequences. Yes, I did rationalize it that way. I have always had a very powerful essence of "self" and an independent mind, I have no use for tradition or relying on things that were drilled into me... but on the other hand, I think I am incapable of cheating, well not incapable, but incapable of dealing with the guilt I would feel from doing it. Because of the reasons I mentioned and also because I am naturally empathetic to people, their feelings lodge inside me like bullets, so I couldnt cheat on my gf, without effectively cheating on myself.
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Yes, I did rationalize it that way. I have always had a very powerful essence of "self" and an independent mind, I have no use for tradition or relying on things that were drilled into me... but on the other hand, I think I am incapable of cheating, well not incapable, but incapable of dealing with the guilt I would feel from doing it. Because of the reasons I mentioned and also because I am naturally empathetic to people, their feelings lodge inside me like bullets, so I couldnt cheat on my gf, without effectively cheating on myself. This is so understand. For me it would not only be a disappointment to my own personal standards, but I have no desire for my children, friends, family and my God to be ashamed of me. It keeps me from doing a most of the things that I think others deserve as payback. I still fail but I get better at it every day.
Mimolicious Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Hereditary? No. But children learn from their surroudings. If they grow up watching parents who have no sense of trust, respect, self-worth, etc they can follow the pattern.
What_Next Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Like a lot of behavorial traits I think it comes from the environment when taken as a whole. Not entirely from the parents, but from the totality of the factors around a person. Friends, family, media you name it. The prevelance of infedility today absolutely gobsmacks me. Then again were it not for what happened in my own marriage I would not even be aware of the scope. Consequences for actions is the key.
Goldenspoon Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I'm just wondering if this is a pattern? My stbx said he knew nothing about what had happened in their relationship. His dad, every time I talked with him, kept repeating that this was all his fault. Do cheaters typically have a history of cheating within their family? Why do you think it is? Just curious. We live in a society that has this la-la land mentality that we all are created equal and that every child is the exact same when born and only environment influences his/her behavior and that heritage plays no role. Most people with a three digit IQ will tell you that's not the case. Keep in mind that I am not saying that every son is an exact duplicate of his father, but he does inherit certain traits from him.
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