SarcasticBlonde Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Ok, My situation is all over the dating board. But my question is. My bf of 4 months told me he needs time to think about things (few days - week). Even though I have never been in this situation before, I know how that usually turns out. But if when a bf/gf says they need time, space, a break etc... Why not just end it? Why keep the torture going? Especially when you made it easy for them to end it. I told him I'm not waiting longer than a week. After that I'm moving on, even if he still isn't done "thinking".
carhill Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 You communicated a boundary, in this case a time boundary. You own the responsibility for and consequences of that boundary. It was a boundary freely chosen and freely communicated. Accept the results, whatever they may be. If the results prove to match up with what you feel is healthy, act on that. If unhealthy, act on that. I chose not to continue to participate in your other thread because, IMO, it had become counter-productive to resolving your dynamic in a healthy way. As I said there, what's done is done. Accept it. Move forward. If that means alone, it does; if with him, that. Reflect upon the choices you made. The only person you can control, influence or grow is you. Good luck
Author SarcasticBlonde Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 You communicated a boundary, in this case a time boundary. You own the responsibility for and consequences of that boundary. It was a boundary freely chosen and freely communicated. Accept the results, whatever they may be. If the results prove to match up with what you feel is healthy, act on that. If unhealthy, act on that. I chose not to continue to participate in your other thread because, IMO, it had become counter-productive to resolving your dynamic in a healthy way. As I said there, what's done is done. Accept it. Move forward. If that means alone, it does; if with him, that. Reflect upon the choices you made. The only person you can control, influence or grow is you. Good luck I understand why you are not posting there. For me it has been an outlet, a therapy. Some may see it as counter productive, and thats fine. Its helping me get through. I actually didn't come up with the boundary. He did. But I told him thats all he has. Anymore than that would be foolish for me.
carhill Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 'I need time to consider this relationship. I'd like to take a week alone to reflect upon it' Would such statement be consistent with his psychology or at odds with it? Does it reflect, in tone, what actually went on? What a lot of psychological counseling taught me was to focus on the gist of compatibility, rather than what he wants and what she wants. He wants, in this case, some time alone to 'think about things'. That perhaps is not what you want. Is accepting his wants at this time a reasonable or unreasonable 'bend'? To me, it's how one accepts those 'bends' which accounts for the tone in present and future discourse and upon the tone of the relationship, should it continue. Is it a tone of resolution or of a standoff? BTW, as I didn't keep up, I hope there are no residual effects from your head trauma. Sometimes those things can be tricky.
Author SarcasticBlonde Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 'I need time to consider this relationship. I'd like to take a week alone to reflect upon it' Would such statement be consistent with his psychology or at odds with it? Does it reflect, in tone, what actually went on? What a lot of psychological counseling taught me was to focus on the gist of compatibility, rather than what he wants and what she wants. He wants, in this case, some time alone to 'think about things'. That perhaps is not what you want. Is accepting his wants at this time a reasonable or unreasonable 'bend'? To me, it's how one accepts those 'bends' which accounts for the tone in present and future discourse and upon the tone of the relationship, should it continue. Is it a tone of resolution or of a standoff? BTW, as I didn't keep up, I hope there are no residual effects from your head trauma. Sometimes those things can be tricky. He is an intellectual, that is exactly how he said it. It's reasonable in some ways. In others I think its unreasonable. I'm pretty confused myself right now though. He and I never fought, until last week. So I have don't have any other situations to compare this to. Feels like a standoff, for me. But I'm not an intellectual, so you may need to write in words/sentences I understand I'm not injured. Bad headache and whiplash. Thanks for asking
East7 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I agree with carhill who is giving some very wise advices. I would add : If the situation were reversed, would you need to think about what to do with him ? Probably he is looking for an exit excuse, but even if he comes back and you set-up with this kind of demands it is not a good omen for your furture R with this guy. You are training him to treat you in a second-class way.
carhill Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 FWIW, prior to counseling, I tended to respond to such conflicts much as you presented yourself to, in your thread, a trait that apparently is quite unattractive in a man. I daresay that part of the attraction of this man is the *want* for him to 'feel' more than 'think'. 'If I love him enough, he'll understand and embrace how I feel and share himself with me emotionally and spontaneously'. I remember for a number of years trying to reach my exW this way and finally, with the help of MC, accepted that it was an impotent cause and had to decide whether or not to accept it and remain in the M. We decided, mutually, that we were incompatible. She needed more of a thinker and less of a feeler and I was incompatible in that regard. She thought she *wanted* a feeler but found, ultimately, that such a person, for her, was unattractive. Glad to read no serious issues with the accident. Take care
Author SarcasticBlonde Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 I agree with carhill who is giving some very wise advices. I would add : If the situation were reversed, would you need to think about what to do with him ? Probably he is looking for an exit excuse, but even if he comes back and you set-up with this kind of demands it is not a good omen for your furture R with this guy. You are training him to treat you in a second-class way. Its my fault this happened. second class how?
Author SarcasticBlonde Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 FWIW, prior to counseling, I tended to respond to such conflicts much as you presented yourself to, in your thread, a trait that apparently is quite unattractive in a man. I daresay that part of the attraction of this man is the *want* for him to 'feel' more than 'think'. 'If I love him enough, he'll understand and embrace how I feel and share himself with me emotionally and spontaneously'. I remember for a number of years trying to reach my exW this way and finally, with the help of MC, accepted that it was an impotent cause and had to decide whether or not to accept it and remain in the M. We decided, mutually, that we were incompatible. She needed more of a thinker and less of a feeler and I was incompatible in that regard. She thought she *wanted* a feeler but found, ultimately, that such a person, for her, was unattractive. Glad to read no serious issues with the accident. Take care I'm quite clear thats just who he is. I know I'm not going to change him. I either have to deal with it or walk.
East7 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I'm quite clear thats just who he is. I know I'm not going to change him. I either have to deal with it or walk. So why bother posting here and wasting our time ?
Author SarcasticBlonde Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 So why bother posting here and wasting our time ? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
carhill Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I'm quite clear thats just who he is. I know I'm not going to change him. I either have to deal with it or walk. Sounds good. It'll all work out
2sunny Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I'm quite clear thats just who he is. I know I'm not going to change him. I either have to deal with it or walk. to understand that two people aren't ideally matched is good to recognize earlier on- instead of wasting 20 years being married... hoping against any chance that THAT person will change to become who you THINK he COULD possibly become in order to make you happy... does that make sense how backwards that particular approach is when you put it into practical theory? it does to me (and probably to carhill to) as i lived in THAT kind of marriage for 20 years. no one is ever happy in those situations. forcing someone to try to be what they will never be just doesn't work. it doesn't mean he's not an ideal man = just not ideal for YOU. find someone more compatible. call this guy and tell him that you've thought it over and you realize that he just saved you from a lifetime of misery and frustration. now, get busy being happy... you now have a chance to find someone compatible. do not settle.
Author SarcasticBlonde Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 to understand that two people aren't ideally matched is good to recognize earlier on- instead of wasting 20 years being married... hoping against any chance that THAT person will change to become who you THINK he COULD possibly become in order to make you happy... does that make sense how backwards that particular approach is when you put it into practical theory? it does to me (and probably to carhill to) as i lived in THAT kind of marriage for 20 years. no one is ever happy in those situations. forcing someone to try to be what they will never be just doesn't work. it doesn't mean he's not an ideal man = just not ideal for YOU. find someone more compatible. call this guy and tell him that you've thought it over and you realize that he just saved you from a lifetime of misery and frustration. now, get busy being happy... you now have a chance to find someone compatible. do not settle. I don't plan to give up that easily, but thank you.
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