BrkHeart Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Hey, so I was having a conversation last night with this women I am seeing and the topic turns to past relationships. We talk about what kind of relationships we have had (Pretty even par 7 or 8 for each of us), and she says "I still want to see you, but if you feel the need to date other people to gain some perspective on things, I understand and am ok with that. I don't think most women would say that, but I am not most women." So I have to be honest, I have no idea what the hell this means, is she saying that she wants to see other people also, and is just projecting that onto me? It is just not something I ever would have expected to hear from a women ... thoughts appreciated.
Jazzari Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Hard to say. It could be a test to see how you react. She may want to see how serious you are about the relationship.
Author BrkHeart Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Wow, that was fast ... my response was something this "I am not the kind of person that does not feel right about dating other people while I have feelings for someone else, I feel it wrong to having a good time with someone else with the intention of seeing if there could be any kind of relationship between these two people. I know that would put me a position that I would not be able to handle." We talked for another 45 minutes after that ... who knows it has been three days since we chatted, I am leaving her along and am just gonna wait to see if she has lost total interest in me, or will check back in to arrange a time to get together. Thanks
YSS Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Perhaps she does not want to "label" what you have as anythign yet. Not put all the eggs in one basket. In other words, let get to know one another and then decide. Understanding, no commitment for now, so if you see someone else so be it. Good luck to you.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 That is a tricky scenario, how many times have you guys gone out? How many dates? How long have you known her? This matters. It can be any of the following scenarios, but she's clearly saying it to test your reaction, and based on what you said to her you may have passed or failed. Only time will tell. (by pass/fail I mean she has an agenda and is saying this to to determine if you're looking for the same thing). 1. She wants an LTR with you but doesn't want to sound needy, so she's trying to sound flexible and hope you say what you just said to her 2. She's not that into and is trying to let you down easy by saying that if you have other options, go for it. 3. She's seeing someone else that she has interest in and doesn't want to end it with them to be exclusive with you, so she's telling you that you can see other people so she won't feel guilty that she is. 4. She's not ready for a relationship yet and wants to keep her options open. Maybe she still likes you and wants to see you, but she wants to keep it casual and non-exclusive. Not sure what else could be the reason for what she said, but 3 out of 4 aren't good if you're looking for something serious with her. I'd do what she says and ask out another girl if you have the opportunity. This girl may be disappearing on you.
zengirl Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Whatever it is, it sounds like drama to me. Either she wants a LTR in a roundabout way (she's checking your reaction) and is going about it in a game-playing, manipulative fashion, rather than approaching her wants directly. Or she wants to see other people too, doesn't want to get too serious, or doesn't know what she wants. Either way, I'd put some money on her being more volatile in future and less stable, relationship-wise. But that's just me.
Author BrkHeart Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Just want to answer GivenUp0083 questions: We have gone out on 6 actual dates and probably have spent anywhere from 40 - 60 hours of total phone conversation. I met her in Mid Sep of 2010. Just a short recap, first date was just to get something to eat and do some hiking, lasted about 6 hours, neither of us really wanted to end it, but I had a busy day at work the next day so I called it. Second date was just to suppose to meet for a 2 hour hike, but we ended getting dinner and hanging out at the bar, total time like 8 hours. Neither of us really wanted to end it, but I again had a busy day at work the next day so I had to leave. Third date was just to check out an apple cider place, and get a slide of pizza, we ended up each have a bit to much to drink at the pizza place, and I spent the evening with her, but I left the next morning around 9 am to head to the airport to fly out of town for a few days to see a friend in Toronto (We are in VA). Fourth date, she came over to my house to just chill and I cooked diner for the two us, I asked her to spend the night, and she did. She left around 9 am the next morning to fly out of the country for a 1 week vacation. Fifth date, she asked me to come with her to meet her parents (I thought this was kind of fast, but was like whatever, it felt right so I did). We ended up leaving her parents and hanging out with her two brothers. We crashed at her brothers place, and I left the next morning around 9 to spend some time with some friends that came in from out of town. Sixth date, we spent Friday evening to Sunday morning together just bumming around, real chill. I left Sunday morning to take care of errands, etc before work on Monday. Seventh date the two of us went to NYC for three days for New Years ... we had a blast, I am originally from NYC so we just toured around and have some lunches and diner with a bunch of friends that still in NYC. Since NYC we have each had pretty busy schedules so we haven't seen each other but talked on the phone every three or so days for maybe an hour. It was not my intention to be pushy, near the end of each phone call, I tried to set up a time to see each other in person, and she kept brushing it off and being non commitive. We have great phone conversations, I would say each meet up was probably two - three weeks apart. Comments appreciated.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 She's not telling you to date other people, she's telling that she's not going to mind IF and only IF you want to date other people. She's not testing you, but she's trying to tell that she's not going to be clingy and dependent since there hasn't been an " exclusivity" talk. What do you want?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Wow, that was fast ... my response was something this "I am not the kind of person that does not feel right about dating other people while I have feelings for someone else, I feel it wrong to having a good time with someone else with the intention of seeing if there could be any kind of relationship between these two people. I know that would put me a position that I would not be able to handle." We talked for another 45 minutes after that ... who knows it has been three days since we chatted, I am leaving her along and am just gonna wait to see if she has lost total interest in me, or will check back in to arrange a time to get together. Thanks Sounds like you're the one playing games now. Honesty is the best policy right now in regards to how you want things to pan in your favor. If you truly feel you're a one woman kind of man, tell her. Playing the silence game really isn't going to get your anywhere.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Just want to answer GivenUp0083 questions: We have gone out on 6 actual dates and probably have spent anywhere from 40 - 60 hours of total phone conversation. I met her in Mid Sep of 2010. Just a short recap, first date was just to get something to eat and do some hiking, lasted about 6 hours, neither of us really wanted to end it, but I had a busy day at work the next day so I called it. Second date was just to suppose to meet for a 2 hour hike, but we ended getting dinner and hanging out at the bar, total time like 8 hours. Neither of us really wanted to end it, but I again had a busy day at work the next day so I had to leave. Third date was just to check out an apple cider place, and get a slide of pizza, we ended up each have a bit to much to drink at the pizza place, and I spent the evening with her, but I left the next morning around 9 am to head to the airport to fly out of town for a few days to see a friend in Toronto (We are in VA). Fourth date, she came over to my house to just chill and I cooked diner for the two us, I asked her to spend the night, and she did. She left around 9 am the next morning to fly out of the country for a 1 week vacation. Fifth date, she asked me to come with her to meet her parents (I thought this was kind of fast, but was like whatever, it felt right so I did). We ended up leaving her parents and hanging out with her two brothers. We crashed at her brothers place, and I left the next morning around 9 to spend some time with some friends that came in from out of town. Sixth date, we spent Friday evening to Sunday morning together just bumming around, real chill. I left Sunday morning to take care of errands, etc before work on Monday. Seventh date the two of us went to NYC for three days for New Years ... we had a blast, I am originally from NYC so we just toured around and have some lunches and diner with a bunch of friends that still in NYC. Since NYC we have each had pretty busy schedules so we haven't seen each other but talked on the phone every three or so days for maybe an hour. It was not my intention to be pushy, near the end of each phone call, I tried to set up a time to see each other in person, and she kept brushing it off and being non commitive. We have great phone conversations, I would say each meet up was probably two - three weeks apart. Comments appreciated. I'll admit I didn't read all of this because what happened on each date is irrelevant. What does your GUT tell you? These are situations that you can't analyze and come up with a true definitive correct answer. You have to use your sixth sense. If it's bothering you this much, then you should know that something could be wrong here and you need to prepare for the end, just wait it out and see what happens. Or, if you feel comfortable enough with her, tell her you're confused by her "see other people" comment. Tell her you had the understanding that you two were dating and you are looking for something exclusive. Ask what she meant by that comment. Ask her straight up if she's having second thoughts about you or if she's just worried that you think she's too pushy. Communication is key, if you can't share your concerns and thoughts with her then what kind of relationship do you think you'll have even if it works out?
Author BrkHeart Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 My Gut tells me that something is off, my head tells me it is 50/50 and my heart tells me I want to be with her ... I realized a long time ago you can never figure out what is going in someone's mind, but she was in a 5 year relationship and was cheated on, and stuck it out for a long time before eventually leaving, she has only been on her own the last 14 months, and I cant stop thinking there are things she just needs to work through for herself, and maybe now is not the time in her life for us ... who knows, we talked this afternoon and she knows hows I feel so, I reached out to her, she has my # and can reach back out to me if she wants to ..
Recommended Posts