Extremely perplexing situation, need understanding. Very detailed and lengthy.

[gregorio5520]

I've made an account solely for this situation. My friends seem to only harbor advice that sees me as the victim. As a result i get distorted and bias guidance which puts the onus of my misery on her. Im not looking to be an emotional bully and break up with her i just need help understanding what she cant seem to articulate. I am here requesting some constructive ideas as to what could possibly be going on...It will be a lengthy account, but only because i hope to procure more insight from posters who think they know what they're talking about.

 

The situation: This girl and I have dated three months, she is amazing but rather uncanny. She is beautiful and extremely religious (southern baptist / fundamental literalist (which has been problematic, for her, as I am atheist)

 

Here is how our relationship came to fruition:

 

1. I met her in class, huge college lecture hall, we hit it off immediately, an unexplained affinity to each other. She admitted to facebook stalking me, crushing on me hardcore, all the fun early flirtatious honeymoon stuff. We had plans to go together on a date for Halloween (OCT '10)

 

2. We go together, she gets tipsy, she gets drunk, ends up getting incredibly emotional. I take care of her in the bathroom. She divulges her life story, incredibly personal things. She has had an abortion, feels like an extreme failure in the eyes of Christ, has a bad relationship with mother, an awkward one with her father, and has been somewhat mistreated in her past 2 relationships.

 

3. We end up falling asleep together, some kissing, nothing major. Just snuggling and the start of some intimacy.

 

Oct 30th

 

4. Next day (31st) she tells me she wants to slow down and back off, that this is all happening too fast for her, but she likes me alot, and wants to be friends. Me, being the testosterone freak male that i am, wanted no part of the "lets be friends" line (i interpreted it as i was in the friend zone). Because I viewed this as me being compartmentalized into friend territory, I ran and severed the ties.

 

5. 3 Days (Nov 3rd-4thish) later she finds an excuse to contact me, basically it ends up being that we mis-communicated in a hardcore way, and i misinterpreted in a hardcore way. She said she wants to START OUT as friends (she's one of those firm believers that your boyfriend is your best friend) so she just pleaded with me that we start slow but she did admit extreme interest in me.

 

6. Things get very interesting, and perplexing. On November 17th she leaves in a weird way. Let me explain, during this "trial" run, we spend alot of time together, we naturally begin to act relationship-like. We have so much fun together. Innocent fun. Harmless snuggling, kissing, nights of long talks, just good foundational relationship content that would act as basic tenets for a commitment. Anyways, the 17th comes (i remember because i spent 100 dollars at bar that night) And she tells me that she needs to slow down, that then magnifies and becomes even more exaggerated to a "I cant talk to you anymore."

 

7. November 30th. 13 days pass of me not talking to her. Im a no bull**** guy. I dont cling or hang on. You tell me what you want or need, you have it. I dont attempt to read esoterically or through cryptic female bull****. Anyways, she gets ahold of me (I had her blocked in every way) - she ends up making a fake facebook acct. so she can message me. We begin communicating as i am intrigued as to what she might have to say. She tells me she just wants to be with me.

 

8. Novemeber 31st. We make it official Yes, one day after not talking for 13 days. She admits how much she thought about me, how much she couldn't stop thinking about me, how much im everything she has ever wanted in a man, blah blah blah. She also admits to me some interesting, albeit pathological emotional break she tends to have. (It happened before she met me) She confessed that there are times in her life (more often that not) she goes through these extreme anti-social moods, in these moods EVERYONE irritates her, she cant be around anybody, her family, her friends, she doesn't want contact with anybody she doesn't have to have. She essentially goes into seclusion and pushes everyone away. I begin to think its an issue with her spirituality or with God. She also confided in me that she feels guilty if she maintains a relationship with a man because its being unfaithful to God, that is - any and all attention being invested into a relationship is emotion that could otherwise be devoted to this metaphysical entity. This scares her because she says its these things that make her think she is unfit for a relationship. I am extremely affirmative and supportive, I tell her whatever it is we can work through it when it comes back again.

 

9. Things are amazing. Perfect. Great. Commence relationship honeymoon period. I go to church with her to support her. We kiss. We cuddle. We are exclusive. Its perfect. She has to go away for holiday break and we dont see each other for three weeks. When she gets back its even more perfect. Definite long term potential. She feels/sees it too. Everytime i mention it she does not dismiss it, we are planning a spring break trip to my cousins land, she wanted (and did) meet my parents, serious stuff is happening.

 

She says things like "dont ever leave me" / "I love the fact that you're my best friend and my boyfriend" / "Ive never been this happy"

 

THEN. She drops the L word. She does so when im holding her in the bed. She went silent, i asked her what was on her mind, she was quiet for about a minute and then said "I love you" I asked if she was sure. She said she had realized that she loved me over holiday break, she never or rarely misses anyone, and in this case she couldn't stop thinking about me. I tell her i love her too. (regardless of how early it was to say it, i felt it too, time doesn't mean a thing, if you feel it, you feel it, right?)

 

10. Things seem to go downhill after that, in just TWO nights. The first night after the I love you, she gets a little tipsy and says "you never do anything i want anymore" - I stood my ground. Im a good boyfriend and i take great care of her. I couldn't believe the audacity she had to say such a thing, she apologized and said she didnt understand what came over her, we had concluded that she was attempting to sabotage the relationship by making small delusions into personal realities. Second night, I feel her becoming more distant. We spend the night together again, we still say I love you, but she informs me later the next day that she feels this mood overtaking her again. She has been mentally aloof and cognitively disorganized. She cant pay attention and she feels like she is ignoring other priorities such as school and religious life. She tells me she needs space. Here is the kicker, not just from me, from EVERYONE (so that prevents me from personalizing this too much).

 

Suffice it to say I have given her what she has asked for.

4 days of NO communication. We are still in a relationship. Facebook is the last indicative of what remains. (how sad and pathetic is that?) I told her in the past that i would support her through these moody occurences, but now i feel my support is merely enabling a unhealthy maladaptive behavior that prevents true healthy growth and adjustment. Anyways, How does a girl have the capability to say she loves you and then in 2 days is completely fine with not talking to you for days?

 

And i've read other posts or ideas when it comes to girls needing space. There is no other guy. Honestly, im her only friend, she doesn't talking to many other people, thats why we clicked so well, she had never felt as connected or as close to anyone as she had to me. I instantly became her best friend, her boyfriend...Perhaps that very idea, and commitment of all that is encumbering?

 

If anyone needs any additional info, please ask

I need help.

Im very concerned about her, and i hope im doing the right thing by letting her have her space.

[D78]

...Im not looking to be an emotional bully and break up with her i just need help understanding what she cant seem to articulate. I am here requesting some constructive ideas as to what could possibly be going on...

 

You don't need to worry about being an emotional bully. It seems like you have been supportive and helped this girl. I'm sorry she doesn't seem capable of doing the same.

 

...Next day (31st) she tells me she wants to slow down and back off, that this is all happening too fast for her, but she likes me alot, and wants to be friends...

She said she wants to START OUT as friends (she's one of those firm believers that your boyfriend is your best friend) so she just pleaded with me that we start slow but she did admit extreme interest in me...

And she tells me that she needs to slow down, that then magnifies and becomes even more exaggerated to a "I cant talk to you anymore."...

She tells me she just wants to be with me...

We make it official...

Things are amazing. Perfect. Great...

THEN. She drops the L word...

Things seem to go downhill after that, in just TWO nights...

She tells me she needs space. Here is the kicker, not just from me, from EVERYONE (so that prevents me from personalizing this too much).

 

This is too weird. I don't know how anyone here can articulate what she means by all of this.

 

I understand your concerns about enabling her behavior. It's also not fair for you to be treated this way.

 

If she doesn't get help for whatever it is that makes her do this, she's not going to make it when she graduates from college. You can't just take a week off work because you can't stand people.

 

Are there any mental health services at your school? Many schools have free medical/psych help for their students. Perhaps you could get some advice from a mental health professional as to how to best deal with someone like her, or maybe convince her to go see someone. I don't know what to tell you.

 

I dont attempt to read esoterically or through cryptic female bull****

 

Are you sure?

 

Good luck.

[gregorio5520]

Thanks for being the only person to respond.

Its ironic, I go to college up here in North Texas and it says you are in that region.

 

I think i have to accept that no one can offer me an explanation other than its unstable love from an unstable person.

 

Thanks Anyway,

Greg