bellaboo Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 So, as I stated in my last post, my short lived affair with EM ended recently. Fiancee asked for the truth about everything. I gave it to her, straight up, as she begged me. I even spoke with her on the phone yesterday. She says she is going to try and forgive him as they have an infant together and she will be tied to him for life, and although she knows I am also hurting, I can walk about with only a wounded heart and tears. Mind you, the day she threatened him (before she even knew or heard a word from ), he told me he HAD to make that choice, and that too bad that "What he wants, and what he gets" aren't one in the same. I would take that as he wants me, but gets her. I sent her that exact email he sent me, and she is still choosing to try and work it out, which is not my business. That is between the 2 of them. She has asked me to no longer contact him so that they are able to give their relationship a chance. She tells me all I have are "words" from him and that she has 2 years with him. I know what she means, but I know she will never fully understand or know the full story, dynamics, etc. I told her that is done on my end, but I could obviously not speak for him. He has not tried to contact me in 3 days since this all happened. I do know that he has given her all of his email address passwords and info, so that if I do "try" to contact him, or he tries to contact me she will be able to check and see. Since I forwarded all our emails I doubt he trusts me to not say if he does try anyway. He has deleted me off of his facebook. Has told her he wants to be with her. Fine, whatever. Who knows what he really wants. During the A, he told me if he chose to stay it would be for sake of his own daughter and their child. I have come to terms that this relationship is over. Whether he tries to contact me or not, I do not know, but I know it will not be anytime soon, as she has him right where she wants him. At this point, my main concern is the fact that we work together, and HAVE to verbally speak to each other EVERY DAY. He is a car salesman (shocker, I know) and part of my job is to communicate with his current and potential customers. How do I handle this? We could both ask to be reassigned, but as we have already been seen outside the workplace together and people already have their suspicions, it would create unneeded drama at work, and we both are dealing with enough. Not to mention she KNOWS this as well and knows we will still have to speak on a work related level. UGH!!!! What do I do? I'm already distraught just by seeing his face, and leaving my position is not an option at this point.
mizzcham Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 No disrespect and I will answer you in a second, but I would like to know why you believe what he says more than his actions?
mizzcham Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 As far as your question, the only solution I see is maybe to look for another job? For your own anity and healing to take place and also for the healing of their relationship. There is a baby involved who deserves 2 parents.
Author bellaboo Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) No disrespect and I will answer you in a second, but I would like to know why you believe what he says more than his actions? I am trying not to, as regardless whether that is true or not, he's no good for me even if the two don't work it out. If he did it to her, he'll do it to me. I'm just in the shock/denial stage, but also have to keep reminding myself:D Edited January 20, 2011 by bellaboo spelling
Tsm Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 As far as your question, the only solution I see is maybe to look for another job? For your own anity and healing to take place and also for the healing of their relationship. There is a baby involved who deserves 2 parents. He can look for another job, cause its his relationship he can fix it. I work with my xmm, he is the one uncomfortable, he can look for a job. Just try to relax and take take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to grieve.
Tsm Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) Same post......... Edited January 20, 2011 by Tsm
Author bellaboo Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) He can look for another job, cause its his relationship he can fix it. I work with my xmm, he is the one uncomfortable, he can look for a job. Just try to relax and take take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to grieve. Thank you As short as this post was, it helps me a lot. I just worry she will continue to try and contact me knowing we work together and will continue to be around each other and speak each day. I have a very good job and my compensation and benefits will continue to keep me there. I suppose that is their own hurdle to get over, not mine. The only thing I need to focus on is myself, because he did a good job of sucking me in Edited January 20, 2011 by bellaboo
jj33 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Its tricky when you have to continue to deal with someone but it can be done. If he hasnt contacted you in 3 days then that proves you dont have to speak every day. Youd be surprised at how much work contact increases when you work together and are in an affair. Things that you dont necessarily need to be in touch about become worthy of communication. All of that can fall to the wayside. You need only have essential contact. If you are his client, he knows either you will contact him if you need anything or he can contact you from time to time as necessary. If you must talk, then keep it to essential work contact. There is NO need for him to call you and say hey Bella how are you liking those leases or whatever it is he might ordinary do to suck up to a client. Either you will continue to use him for your contracts or you wont. Maybe I dont fully understand your work dynamic but it will work out. Its hard being in contact because it keeps things alive more than they would be if you didnt speak but you will get through this.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Start looking for another job. That's all you can do if you can't handle facing him daily. Sadly, these consquences are tough when two people who have an affair, or even two single people dating, break up and have to still see eachother everyday at work. do your best to stay away from him and only talk to him on a professional level.
YellowShark Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 GAWD how many times have I read this EXACT scenario on Loveshack. 50? 100? 200? times? No disrespect to anyone, but anyone reading this thread please.. I beg you.. NEVER FISH OFF THE COMPANY PIER. This is why. At this point, my main concern is the fact that we work together, and HAVE to verbally speak to each other EVERY DAY. He is a car salesman (shocker, I know) and part of my job is to communicate with his current and potential customers. How do I handle this? We could both ask to be reassigned, but as we have already been seen outside the workplace together and people already have their suspicions, it would create unneeded drama at work, and we both are dealing with enough.
Breezy Trousers Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) Yes, it's unwise to have affairs at the workplace, but when the temptation is powerful ---God! I've been there. The only reason I escaped was because I didn't see MM that often. If I saw him everyday, I would probably be writing the same post right now. So my condolences to you. Affairs at work only complicate an already complicated situation. Okay: You'll probably have to get another job. My girlfriend was in the same predicament with her MM. MM ended it after one year. She had to see him everyday for another year because her desk was 15 feet away from his office. It was difficult, but the market being what it is, she told me she had no choice. In truth, my girlfriend stayed on at the workplace because she was still in love with MM, not because of the job market. When she heard he was having other affairs with past co-workers (who had also left the workplace), she quickly put her resume out and got a new job within a week. Unfortunately, MM called her this weekend. It's back on, but at least she doesn't work with him anymore. Edited January 21, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
SoMovinOn Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 A long time ago, I had to make the same choice he is making - choosing between "What I had to do" (more, in my case "Doing the right thing") and what I wanted to do. I got a girl pregnant. I was raised to "Do the right thing" and marry her. That meant leaving behind the girl I loved. Stupidest choice I have ever made in my life.
Author bellaboo Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 A long time ago, I had to make the same choice he is making - choosing between "What I had to do" (more, in my case "Doing the right thing") and what I wanted to do. I got a girl pregnant. I was raised to "Do the right thing" and marry her. That meant leaving behind the girl I loved. Stupidest choice I have ever made in my life. I'm curious as to why you say it was the stupidest choice you ever made.... Not that I have any plans to start things up again should things disintegrate between them, or even if I believe his excuse of making "The right choice" even when it's not what he wants in his heart.... Just interested to hear from a man's POV of this subject:o
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 as she has him right where she wants him. Yes, but it's not as malicious as you make it sound. She has no gun to his head. I'm sure he begged and pleaded. He made a decision to stay at home, if he truly wanted to walk out the door and not go back, he wouldn't. People DO divorce, with or without infidelity. When one is done in a relationship, in a marriage, there's nothing the partner/spouse can do to change their minds. Hate to use this as an example, lol, Jon and Kate. And he left SIX children, his family unit, so it's bunk when a MM says he can't leave because of his kids. It does happen. Everyday all over the world. Yours and many others just had no intention of leaving. May have wanted to, badly, but when faced with reality, they don't. As I said before, keep things professional. Let ego and pride take over, he's not worthy of ANY reaction or attention, conversation that involves you.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Yes, but it's not as malicious as you make it sound. She has no gun to his head. I'm sure he begged and pleaded. He made a decision to stay at home, if he truly wanted to walk out the door and not go back, he wouldn't. People DO divorce, with or without infidelity. When one is done in a relationship, in a marriage, there's nothing the partner/spouse can do to change their minds. Hate to use this as an example, lol, Jon and Kate. And he left SIX children, his family unit, so it's bunk when a MM says he can't leave because of his kids. It does happen. Everyday all over the world. Yours and many others just had no intention of leaving. May have wanted to, badly, but when faced with reality, they don't. As I said before, keep things professional. Let ego and pride take over, he's not worthy of ANY reaction or attention, conversation that involves you. Really?! There are plenty of people who tell their spouse if they leave they will never see their children. And they make it hell until there are orders. For men who put their children above everyone else, this is a deterrent. Ask yourself if you know your man and if this is him or not. GEL
Ellin Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Yes, but it's not as malicious as you make it sound. She has no gun to his head. I'm sure he begged and pleaded. He made a decision to stay at home, if he truly wanted to walk out the door and not go back, he wouldn't. People DO divorce, with or without infidelity. When one is done in a relationship, in a marriage, there's nothing the partner/spouse can do to change their minds. Hate to use this as an example, lol, Jon and Kate. And he left SIX children, his family unit, so it's bunk when a MM says he can't leave because of his kids. It does happen. Everyday all over the world. Yours and many others just had no intention of leaving. May have wanted to, badly, but when faced with reality, they don't. As I said before, keep things professional. Let ego and pride take over, he's not worthy of ANY reaction or attention, conversation that involves you. Yes, many men divorce and stop living with their children. Just like many men don't divorce and instead stay in a bad M because they want to live with their children. It does happen. Every day, all over the world. There is no logic in saying that a certain person absolutely does not want to get D because if he wanted, he would do it regardless of everything else - just because SOME men do so.
Carrot2000 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 I come from a long line of cheaters--male and female--and I can tell you that none of them stayed in a marriage they didn't want to be in because of their kids. When they were through, they were through...PERIOD. Threats of "You'll never see your kids again" were dealt with in court. And when visitation was not enforced, the police were called. If the ex acted a fool when it was time to drop off or pick up the kids, the exchange was done through a grandparent or another relative. When child supported wasn't paid, someone got locked up, had their tax refunds offset, or their driver's license suspended. I agree that because some men choose to divorce it means they all do, but I believe where there's a will, there's a way.
pureinheart Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 (edited) I come from a long line of cheaters--male and female--and I can tell you that none of them stayed in a marriage they didn't want to be in because of their kids. When they were through, they were through...PERIOD. Threats of "You'll never see your kids again" were dealt with in court. And when visitation was not enforced, the police were called. If the ex acted a fool when it was time to drop off or pick up the kids, the exchange was done through a grandparent or another relative. When child supported wasn't paid, someone got locked up, had their tax refunds offset, or their driver's license suspended. I agree that because some men choose to divorce it means they all do, but I believe where there's a will, there's a way. In exDM's case she had the emotional control of the kids. As far as the threats, I had a friend whos W was simply a horrid human being. She threatened to take him to the "cleaners" so he chose to stay at home and drink a twelve pack of beer every night...it's called emotional blackmail. Oh and don't forget to deam the one being emotionally blackmailed weak, and maybe they are...that's what emotional blackmail is meant to do. Edited January 23, 2011 by pureinheart
Carrot2000 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 In exDM's case she had the emotional control of the kids. As far as the threats, I had a friend whos W was simply a horrid human being. She threatened to take him to the "cleaners" so he chose to stay at home and drink a twelve pack of beer every night...it's called emotional blackmail. Oh and don't forget to deam the one being emotionally blackmailed weak, and maybe they are...that's what emotional blackmail is meant to do. I don't think people who are being emotionally blackmailed weak, I think they just aren't aware of their strength. They believe that others have the capacity to destroy them when that's not the truth. They are afraid to fight because they don't think there's a chance in hell they'll win. Some people simply don't have the will to survive--I totally get that.
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