Madison310 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I started seeing my boyfriend (now husband) almost a year ago. At the time, he had just split from his girlfriend whom he intended to marry. From what he said he was madly in love with her and she was the love of his life, woman of his dreams etc. He broke up with her reluctantly because she was unable to marry him and they couldnt find a solution to this. Apparently her family threatened to disown her as they didnt approve of her marrying someone who was divorced with a child he hardly sees. Anyway after a few weeks, he contacted her and started seeing her. This really upset me because I let him move in with me after he lost his job and looked after him when he went into hospital to have an operation. He carried on seeing her for another 9 months and I can't remember how many times I cried and begged him to stop but to no avail. One time I threatened to kick him out there and then and even made him dump her over speakerphone but he just contacted her the very next day to say sorry. He was a total mess over her, talking about her in his sleep and even went to see a therapist about it. The way I found about him seeing her was by hacking into his email and phone and there were hundreds of messages between them declaring their love for another. I was devastated. While all this was going on I was having serious visa issues. I told this to my boyfriend but I wasnt expecting him to save me or anything. Then one day out of the blue he said he would marry me so I could stay in the country. I was a bit surprised but I found out this was because his ex was planning to get engaged to a man chosen for her by her parents (arranged marriage I think). I don't think he told her about our wedding because a few days before it happened he took her out for her birthday and planned to stay over at hers. But he got very upset and ended it with her instead as it was getting too painful for both of them. She eventually discovered we had gotten married when he put up our wedding picture on facebook (which he took down after 2 weeks). Two weeks after our wedding, he started seeing her again and this went on for another two months. It turned out that she didnt get engaged to the other guy as my boyfriend thought she had. Finally I called her from his phone and told her to stay away and to stop contacting him. She said she didnt want to get involved and had nothing to say except that he was the one contacting her and that he had made some very derogatory comments about me. So I called my boyfriend into the room and in front of her, he said he had told her that he didnt love me. This wasnt a surprise as he has said before that he doesnt love me before but thinks I am a very nice person. The last thing his ex said was that she had no intention of contacting him ever again. Since that day, they havent been in contact with one another and things are amazing between us. He blocked her on facebook and so have I although he has yet to put up a profile picture of us together like I have. Her being out of the way has helped us so much and I really think he's starting to forget her. Although I am happy with him now I'm worried about the future. We met when he was in love with someone else and he never romanced me or anything like that. He was seeing his ex for the first 9 months of our relationship and after our wedding. I think he's falling in love with me now but I don't know if I'm deluding myself given how things were when we started. I know that I love him very much and I really want our marriage to work in spite of what has happened in the past. What's done is done and its all over as far as I know. One of my friends said the ex had the right idea by cutting contact with him, walking away and not looking back and that she is more likely to find happiness in the long term than I am. She said I should have done the same instead of staying with him. Is she right? I desperately need some guidance so please if you have any advice for me, I'd really welcome it.
Kinder-Horror Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Let me preface this by saying I am sorry - because I don't think anything I say is what you are wanting to hear. I think your friend was completely right - you should have cut off contact with him, like the ex. Though your situation is complicated by the fact that you two got married so you can stay in the country. But that's just it..... you two got married so you can stay in the country. Not because you loved him and he reciprocated those emotions. He flat out admitted that he's said he doesn't love you - just thinks you're a nice person. That is your answer. You cannot force someone to love you. Regardless of isolating him from his ex. You can't chain him off an expect that he will eventually fall in love with you. He is just going to eventually "settle." and even that is a maybe. He has cheated on you, admitted to not loving you and only asked you to marry him because of your visa issues. What more do you need? I don't know how you can settle the visa trouble - or even if you care to stay in the country any longer... but this guy is definitely not the guy for you. (I know it's easier for me to say that because I'm an outsider looking in. But I think you are standing too close to the writing on the wall to articulate what it is saying to you)
depplover_1980 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Let me preface this by saying I am sorry - because I don't think anything I say is what you are wanting to hear. I think your friend was completely right - you should have cut off contact with him, like the ex. Though your situation is complicated by the fact that you two got married so you can stay in the country. But that's just it..... you two got married so you can stay in the country. Not because you loved him and he reciprocated those emotions. He flat out admitted that he's said he doesn't love you - just thinks you're a nice person. That is your answer. You cannot force someone to love you. Regardless of isolating him from his ex. You can't chain him off an expect that he will eventually fall in love with you. He is just going to eventually "settle." and even that is a maybe. He has cheated on you, admitted to not loving you and only asked you to marry him because of your visa issues. What more do you need? I don't know how you can settle the visa trouble - or even if you care to stay in the country any longer... but this guy is definitely not the guy for you. (I know it's easier for me to say that because I'm an outsider looking in. But I think you are standing too close to the writing on the wall to articulate what it is saying to you) I agree with this and think he would never love you as he would always associate you with the pain of finally losing his ex, he may even deep down resent you for it. You deserve so much better in life.
Jazzari Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I agree with what has already been posted. Another thought: Do you really love him, or do you just want to win the competition with this other girl? Is there some part of this that is wanting what you can't have? If he turned around and said he loved you - would you honestly be able to accept it and forgive all the pain he's put you through? Could you ever trust him? Could you ever believe all the way down that he really loves you best?
Knittress Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 What bothers me is that he doesn't appear to respect your feelings or the institution of marriage. Even if he 'falls in love' with you, those feelings naturally come and go in a long term relationship - what's going to happen when the two of you hit a rough patch down the line? Do you honestly expect a man who did this and showed such poor character to stand by your side?
Analeigh Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 This sounds like a really, really awful situation. He has shown you for many months that you are not important to him, and that frankly he doesn't even want you around. He likes being able to cheat and yet you still stay. I'm sorry. Get some counseling, but first, LEAVE him.
Questionis Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 He sounds like he was on the rebound, but now you are all tied up with him and don't want to let go. Just back away from him slowly, he will just batter your heart if you keep going out with him Give yourself a chance to breathe and take your time to look out for someone who will make you feel special, and loved and cherished.
Author Madison310 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Posted February 7, 2011 Ok so update on my situation. Last week was his birthday and for some reason he deactivated his facebook. Not sure why because it seemed like a strange thing to do out of the blue. Anyway yesterday he went back on it but unblocked his ex. She had been blocked for just over 2 months. He didnt send her a message or add her to his friend list though. I know this because I sneaked a peek at his computer when he left it open. I should add that her profile is on private so all they can see of each other is their profile pics. It might be totally insignificant but should I be worried about this? I mean why didnt he just leave her on block as opposed to going to the trouble of unblocking her? Is he hoping she will see she has been unblocked and contact him or does he want to keep tabs on her? Also he still hasnt changed his profile picture to one of us together which is annoying because ever since we got married 6 months ago mine has featured both of us.
utterer of lies Posted February 7, 2011 Posted February 7, 2011 What's the minimum amount of time you have to be married in order to keep all (visa-related) rights upon divorce? Looks like you'll have to wait out that time. Afterwards, get divorced asap and find someone who actually cares for you.
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