Should I hold onto the friendship, with hopes of something more someday?

[smashalasha]

This is very long. But I wanted to be detailed. I hope things are clear. Feel free to ask any questions if you want more info or clarification on anything:

 

I was broken up with a little over two months ago. We were together about a year and a half, and a lot of it was long distance. We met at an internship summer 2009, and I really liked him from the beginning, and eventually he surprised me by showing interest in me, too. (Note: I was his first gf, he was my first bf). Then abruptly the summer was over and we had to go back to our separate schools, 700 miles away. We still kept in touch, mostly chatting online, the occasional phone call, saying every once in a while that we missed each other and all that, sent each other gifts for xmas and birthdays, then, we both ended up back at the same internship last summer, 2010. The first week or so, it was kind of just us getting used to each other, being in person after 10 months apart, but eventually everything was going great… we carpooled to work together, and worked in the same building so we had lunch together every day, and hung out most evenings after an hour or so apart. We also hung out every weekend, sometimes just us, sometimes with other friends… and we were in love with each other.

 

Near the very beginning of the summer, after he’d had a few drinks, he said that he knew we couldn’t be together after summer, but he loved me and was glad he got at least this time to spend with me. So I simply said, but why can’t we be together? I want to make it work, let’s try to stay together after summer. He just said, okay. And we didn’t talk about it since (in fact I wasn’t sure if he remembered that conversation since he was drunk at the time). But as the summer went on, he starting hinting more and more about us still being together after summer, talking about visiting each other on breaks and things like that (without any nudging from me, at all). And also, he was the first to say I love you, and I said it in return. I know he really loved me and wanted to stay together.

 

So then, summer was over, we were both very sad to leave each other. He actually mentioned this last day that, if it didn’t work out, we can always just keep in touch and talk about reconnecting after grad school.

 

So then three months of grad school went by. We kept in touch by chatting online, sometimes a phonecall, and videochatting. In November, there was a week straight where we videochatted every day, and I LOVED IT. He admitted to me the beginning of that week that he’d been suffering from social anxiety (he’s had it for a long long time but it was getting to him recently), and told me I was the only one in his life he felt comfortable talking to about it. So I gave him support and encouragement since he decided to go to a doctor to get some help with his anxiety. The next week, I had been wanting to keep up the daily contact, but he seemed really busy… I know that I should have given him space. Anyway, I finally did after we had a tense phonecall… I had left a message saying “I can go however long not talking to you, but it’s hard not knowing the next time we’re going to talk.” Because I’d gone a whole week not talking to him before and was fine, because he told me ahead of time he would be busy and couldn’t talk much, so I was expecting it. But this week he hadn’t said anything like that, so I kept wanting to talk. So after he got my message he called and was frustrated. He said he had started to feel mad at me a little for wanting to talk so often while he was busy and that he immediately felt bad for getting mad, and that I was just giving him one more thing to worry about (on top of grad school, anxiety, his brother was also having problems…). I apologized and told him that I knew he couldn’t tell me the EXACT days he was busy and the exact days he was free to talk (I never expected him to do that anyway)… I left him alone after that, and two days later we talked over videochat, and he wanted to break up. He said he felt bad that he couldn’t talk to me as often as I wanted, and he was just stressed out due to being busy with school and the social anxiety, and his younger brother was having problems, too, and he just didn’t think visiting would work due to lack of time, and it’s too expensive and complicated to try and match up our schedules, and also in a LDR we can’t be together in person or have anything physical (not just sex but just plain being in the same room together or doing something together). So I agreed with him on all this, I mean it’s all true, but he was worth enough to me to wait it out. He also said if I could find someone in my city who could provide for my needs and make me happy he would be happy, because I was a nice person and a good girlfriend. I cried and told him I didn’t want to let him go or give him up. He said, That’s normal. He was close to tears as well. I asked him if we could keep the option open of reconnecting after grad school, since I would be finished with school in just two years and I would have the option to move closer to him, and his response was “we would just have to see where we are in two years” which in my mind, is neither yes or no. And I just remember that last day of summer, HE was the one mentioning the option of reconnecting. He also at various points while we talked said he still had feelings for me, those had not changed, and he still missed me, and it was difficult for him to see me on videochat because it just reminded him of what we had during summer and I guess it hurts him to miss me knowing he can’t see me in person for an indefinite period of time. He didn’t want just hope to hold on to and since there is no set date in the future where we will see each other again, he didn’t want to keep it going. Anyway… funnily enough, it was what you might call a really “good” breakup, because we were already joking with each other and laughing a bit that night.

 

At the end he asked if there was anything else I wanted to say or talk about, and I said no, I feel like I would just be repeating myself. So he said okay. And he wanted to take a couple weeks with no videochatting or phone calls to get used to being just friends (perhaps since this was a first relationship for him, he didn’t realize it’s not exactly THAT easy to “get used” to being just friends lol), and also he was the one who wanted to keep in touch… I know he still wants me in his life at least as a friend. I don’t think he wants to lose me from his life, even if it means we are just friends. After this night, I was very depressed for a while, obviously. A week later, HE contacted ME first, online, we had a short, light-hearted conversation, nothing serious, and I told him I had to go after about 10 minutes because I had friends over. And since then… it’s just been talking online about once a week, sometimes a text about something like a tv show he knows I like is on Netflix, or he will share a link on my facebook wall of a video he thinks I’d like… each of us equally initiating. I hate not feeling as close to him anymore. I want that closeness back! There have been no phone calls or videochats and I’m not sure what he would do if I tried to initiate one.

 

At this point, I’m not sure what to do. Part of me thinks, well I should just keep in touch, since he said he still has feelings for me and misses me… I think to myself, if we could just stay close as friends, maybe he’d be more likely to want to start a relationship up again in a few years when I could move closer (because I was actually planning on moving to a city that’s closer to him, not just because HE is near there, but my family is near there as well and it’s in a region of the country I’ve been wanting to move back to)… I just feel like, you know how everyone says, go NC to heal, etc… well honestly although it’s maybe been slower, I feel like I’ve been healing and am able to accept him as a friend, simply because I HAVE to. But my situation feels different… because, it was as close to mutual as you could maybe get, since although I didn’t want to end things, I understood, respected, and agreed with his reasons for doing so. And the fact that he still had feelings for me and missed me, if I went NC, he might view that as me not caring and being cold or distant. I don’t want that.

 

He told when he broke up with me that if we were in the same place, we could find ways to make it work, because it’s so much easier to see each other on a daily/weekly basis if we’re in the same city, obviously. So THAT makes me think, oh, well then when I finish school in two years, I can just get a job near him and we could see each other in person then, even if it were only twice a month, and try again. I tell myself, what are the chances, with me being his first girlfriend ever, him still missing me and wanting me in his life, and with him being so busy with school, what are the chances of him meeting someone else or having time for another relationship? I think they’re slim. Which makes me think that if we are both still single in two years, perhaps he would want to try again.

I can’t help but think, what is the best thing I can do RIGHT NOW to make him want to reconnect with me in the future???

 

So anyway, I’m looking for your thoughts, advice, suggestions, support, ummm… whatever you want to say to me or ask me.

[Karma20]

There is no guarantee that he will want to reconnect with you. Why would you wait around for something that might not happen? Cut contact and move on. If he comes back he comes back. Don't waste your time, you'll only end up hurting more if you wait and nothing happens.

[smashalasha]

Yeah. It's just, in the long run, I know I would regret not keeping up the friendship. Ten years from now, I know that if I had cut off all contact, I would feel like I had missed out on a wonderful friend.

 

In life, it's what you DON'T do that you regret. Not what you do.

[Karma20]

It works both ways. If he wants a friendship with you then he can find you. You're hurting and need to heal, if he cares at all he will respect that. Don't be the one holding onto something that he might not care if he loses or not.

[GreenPolicy]

You can only be friends if you can handle seeing your ex with somebody else. I can't, and that's why I do NC.

[smashalasha]

I just wonder how he would respond to me no longer initiating contact. I'm really curious. Actually I'm about to do NC just to see what he does, lol.

 

But there is always a worry or fear that pops up, like, he will see me as cold and distant, or will feel hurt that I don't talk to him, since I agreed to be friends and would not really be holding up my end of the friendship.

 

I have one question though. Do you think getting out, meeting new people, and dating would help or hurt me in getting over my ex? There are a couple interested guys, the thing is, I don't like casual dating. When I date I'm only looking for long-term potential, but do you think I'd not be ready for that yet? How do you know when you're REALLY ready to date again? I worry I will reach a point where I THINK I'm over my ex but then out of nowhere backtrack (that happened this week). I don't want to meet an awesome new guy but then suddenly be missing my ex again.

[smashalasha]

Also whenever I'm looking for hope I like to remind myself of the movie Swingers haha... kinda want that to happen to me. Either that, or When Harry Met Sally, in which timing is everything.

[Movingthrough]

I just wonder how he would respond to me no longer initiating contact. I'm really curious. Actually I'm about to do NC just to see what he does, lol.

 

But there is always a worry or fear that pops up, like, he will see me as cold and distant, or will feel hurt that I don't talk to him, since I agreed to be friends and would not really be holding up my end of the friendship.

 

I have one question though. Do you think getting out, meeting new people, and dating would help or hurt me in getting over my ex? There are a couple interested guys, the thing is, I don't like casual dating. When I date I'm only looking for long-term potential, but do you think I'd not be ready for that yet? How do you know when you're REALLY ready to date again? I worry I will reach a point where I THINK I'm over my ex but then out of nowhere backtrack (that happened this week). I don't want to meet an awesome new guy but then suddenly be missing my ex again.

 

While im still dealing with thoughts of my ex, i read all of this because mine also started out as a LD relationship. Heres my take on your situation, first off you need to go NC only because one day you are going to see on facebook or somehow that he is dating, why wouldnt he, you guys are both single. You dont want to be in a position where you are "waiting" because something might happen.

 

Second, i can almost bet that if you lived down the street you wouldnt be on here. I always think about that with my ex who still is not even close to my state. Long distance r/l's always leave a nagging sense in your head saying "how could would it be to meet someone here". Im not saying LD's dont work or cant work, im saying he obviously would rather have someone around, but has feelings for you, so its a battle.

 

I think situations like this are so much easier then we make it out to be (im one to talk!) its our mind/emotional connection that makes it so hard. Think of it like this (goes for me too), you and the ex are not together, neither is me and my ex, soooo ahhh its pretty obvious its not meant to be right now. Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to deal with. The reason most of us are on here is because the ex said over and over how much they loved us etc....then bam over. Our hearts, brains whatever cant compute that. My mom told me once that girls say what they feel in the moment (can apply for guys too) so sometimes people just say what they feel right there, but tomm it could change, thats why you have to find the right one.

[Kansas]

Yeah. It's just, in the long run, I know I would regret not keeping up the friendship. Ten years from now, I know that if I had cut off all contact, I would feel like I had missed out on a wonderful friend.

 

In life, it's what you DON'T do that you regret. Not what you do.

 

You know, deep inside that you are not hanging on because you are worried you will be lying on your deathbed thinking, "Oh, I really wish he and I had been friends". You're hanging on hoping that something happens between you. A lot of us on LS have been there ... it's not pretty and in the end you only end up hurting yourself. You have friends. You don't need more friends. You want a relationship. This person does not want to give it to you. You are not on the same page. Move on. Otherwise, you, you and only YOU will get hurt in all of this. And your "friend" won't give 2 cents about it.

[sumdude]

Also whenever I'm looking for hope I like to remind myself of the movie Swingers haha... kinda want that to happen to me. Either that, or When Harry Met Sally, in which timing is everything.

 

I know what you mean, been in that situation. But those are movies and fiction. Only keep the friendship if that's all you want and you're fine with it. If you want more it's usually best to let them go or you'll find yourself stuck and possibly miss other opportunities that arise.

[smashalasha]

I kind of wish I had never agreed to be friends, then. Wish I would have had the strength to say, No, I want more than that, so I can't talk to you unless that's what you want, too.

[Kansas]

Who cares what you agreed to? Do what is healthy for YOU. You can still initiate no contact and move forward in your life.

 

Look, I made the mistake of staying with someone I was desperately in love with hoping that one day they would pull their head out of their ass and love me as much as I loved them. Right now I am kicking myself sooooo hard because I didn't listen to all the people who told me to 'stay away from him, and not be his friend'. He always fought for the friendship (but refused to give me a relationship) and I was in the same boat as you - I'd say, OK we can try being friends ... and then I'd kick myself because you know what? He got the benefit of having me as a friend and every single time I would see him, talk to him or hang out I would be just crushed inside, hurt and torn, always wondering if he would ever come around. Every time he said, "I've been thinking", my heart would leap and I'd think, "Oh, this is it ...." and then nothing. And then as he would be talking, I'd be thinking to myself, "why can't you just be with me?" For over 2 years I TORTURED myself like this.

 

Whenever I did NC he would lose his mind and contact me, email, text, phone and my friends would say, just don't reply to him. Who cares what he thinks etc., but foolishly I would feel bad for him ... Stupidness.

 

The truth is, you have already made it clear what you want. He KNOWS what you want. Don't settle less. And don't torture yourself.

[smashalasha]

Thanks. I actually just had a really good conversation with a friend here who explained her situation with her ex (she is currently with someone new, has been for a while, gives me hope). I suffer sometimes from that feeling that my ex is the 'one' when I know very well and have always believed that nobody has just ONE person out there, we have many, maybe even thousands, that we are compatible with. It's just tough to keep that in mind when I have only met one of those people so far! My HEART makes me worry I won’t meet someone as good. When my HEAD tells me, Nope, that’s wrong, you will meet someone even BETTER!

 

So this friend invited me to several social outings and also her new church, where I will get to meet MANY new people, men and women I could make friends with. Secretly, yes, I hope to meet a guy I can hit it off with, but friends are good, too (I'm not desperate to date and don't want a rebound... I enjoy being friends first anyway). So she and I talked about my hobbies/interests, and told me she knows several people that share some of my interests, so I'm hoping that by getting myself out there, that I will make new friends, and spend less time sitting alone in my apartment where my thoughts tend to drift to my ex.

 

Thanks for the advice of no contact, everyone. NC, UNLESS I am perfectly okay with being just his friend, and nothing more, and am okay with seeing him with other people. Don't be friends with him if it's really because I want him to change his mind...

 

Also I was thinking, I bet he wouldn’t like ME dating other people, either… ‘cause he still had feelings for me. But don’t worry, if I meet someone here I really like? I won't make the mistake of passing it up. In fact I'm already talking to someone new... it's been troubling for me up to now though since I know it's unfair to my potential dates if I'm not over my ex yet, which keeps me from wanting to date. But, my friend also shared a story of a friend of hers who was not over her ex, and so avoided dating for seven years… I don’t want to be that girl.

 

I think every time I talk to my ex, it's only out of fear or worry that he will forget about me, not because I actually want to be a friend and have a friendly conversation... Thinking about not contacting him anymore makes me feel nervous, I think only because it's what I'm used to. I'm used to talking to him and having him there, and we have lots in common and history together. But, as far as he will know, maybe I'm the one forgetting about him, by not talking to him!! But I mustn't have the mindset of doing NC out of spite, either...

 

Thanks again, I really needed to think through this stuff while thinking about how I really feel about it, not how my EX feels about it. I have to get him off the pedestal of my life and put myself back up there.