jane100 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) Any general advice/experience would be really welcome as i am new to this. I recently started internet dating, and now seem to be on the cusp of a few new dates coming to fruition, which is obviously great, especially for someone who hasn't been out with a man for a long time. I know one is meant to keep it light, enjoy the experience, as you muddle along enjoying yourself:D. I also know its meant to be a good strategy when online dating, as things can take time to come to fruition, so you have to keep a few balls in the air so to speak. Also, it can be helpful not to get too hung up/focused/waste time on a new prospect that you know very little about and may prove unsuitable. However, is it not a little difficult to not have favourites? Does keeping your options open mean it can get a bit emotionally confusing (even when not sleeping with any of them). Or do people just take a happy, realistic approach and get on with it till one of one's potential suitors becomes a more serious option? Curious. BTW, I expect men and women's views/experience may be different on this one. Edited January 20, 2011 by jane100
Cee Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 When I jumped into online dating, I didn't want a LTR so I went on dates with a bunch of people. It was unbelievably fun for awhile. At first, I thought I was experiencing variety. But eventually it wore on me b/c it was a bunch of blind dates. I also started to feel sorrow that I was meeting lots of people, but not having real closeness with anyone. I had to keep my guard up constantly. When I decided I wanted something substantial like a LTR, multi-dating really tanked for me. I am not a person who is weeding people out. Rather, I want to have that "ah ha" moment. I wanted to meet and click. For me romance and multi-dating weren't compatible. It was hard to "fall" for someone knowing he has 2 other dates that week. I felt like a number. I have since quit online dating and I don't miss it. I'm back to meeting and dating one guy at a time. I just started dating a guy I met at a party and I love it. It's so normal. He isn't dating anybody and hasn't for a very long time. And he doesn't have my email address or my Facebook. He calls me on the phone and we have long, jokey conversations. And we only have eyes for each other.
Billy_Boy Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Date around and out your eggs in multiple baskets, no need to pick 1 until you are sure.
Jazzari Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I chatted with a few men and did a few phone calls. But in the 3 months I was online dating, I only met up with one man. Yeah, I'm picky. I met him fairly early in the game so I've been emailing him for about 4 months and we've had a few weekends together. It's a long distance relationship so we can't get together that often. I plan on staying with him for a week next visit. So clearly I like this guy alot. It may have been smarter to date several men but when I like someone, everyone else just fades away. I can't seem to get interested in anyone else at all. So multi-dating just doesn't work for me. Hopefully this will work out. Because dating at this speed will take me forever to find someone, lol!
oaks Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 However, is it not a little difficult to not have favourites? I'm new to multi-dating but I'm not seeing this as a problem. I'd like to narrow things down to just 1 woman, and hopefully it'll be one of the ones I like the most. I still made time to see and talk (phone) with the others until it became clear that either I wasn't right for them or they weren't right for me. Down to 2 now, and I'm not sure which I like most which I think is more difficult than liking one over the other!
NG85 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I've multi-dated in the past, and it hasn't really done anything positive. In college I had 3 girls I was flirting with and meeting up with, and felt on top of the world. But it's a lot to handle, and just when I thought I was the man, I slipped up with all 3 of them around the same time, and then I was left with no options and had to start from scratch. A few years back I tried multi-dating again online, just to keep my options open. I chatted with these girls for a while before I met with any of them. The problem was I had established more of a connection with one girl, and we fell for each other early on. This meant that the other girls were put on the backburner, and I didn't put too much effort into them when I met up with them. I also felt guilty, almost like I was cheating on the girl I fell for, and I was worried that she'd break things off if she found out I was seeing other girls. So I stayed with the main girl and broke it off with the other peripheral girls.
PegNosePete Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I guess one of the biggest cons is that, being from the UK, you'll find many guys don't like multi-daters. You'll put a lot of guys off and potentially miss out on someone special.
zengirl Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I multi-date, but it's not like I'm going on 10 dates with a guy and still seeing others or anything. I guess it depends how you multi-date. I have never had any issues. If I have a "favorite," and I'm getting emotionally attached to one, I stop seeing others. I guess I don't think it's possible for me to get emotionally attached to two people at once -- it's certainly never happened -- but that's mainly because I refuse to get attached to the 'idea' of a guy. That's the whole reason I multi-date! So that I still date others until I know who a guy really is. I usually have a good sense of that between dates 3-5, which is usually where I start to focus on him exclusively (not necessarily talk about it but just seeing him enough that he's my whole dating calendar). I date for LTRs. I've never had men ask who else I was seeing or be defensive about the possibility I was seeing others on these early dates. I am always an attentive, punctual, and respectful date, and I've never scheduled two dates on the same day or anything. I also drop a guy as soon as I see signs he's incompatible, in those early stages, or not looking for a LTR. I think most of the people who have trouble with multi-dating have trouble for the same reason they have trouble with dating: They get attached quickly, they get attached to the idea of somebody, and they don't drop men who are incompatible (but who they're drawn to) or not looking for the relationship type they want. They think multi-dating is a cure for these things. It isn't. I suppose the other issue could be getting caught on a date with one guy by another guy you're seeing. . . . but I know lots of guys who if (a) You're not having sex yet, (b) You've been on only a few dates, © You seem like a quality woman, and (d) You don't flaunt your multi-dating, will understand if you're not automatically exclusive, so long as you're not tarting around or anything. If you're macking on the guy in public, that's probably a different story, but I don't make out with a guy if I'm still in that "I don't know about you yet" multi-dating stage.
Sanman Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I agree with Zengirl. I multi-date, but usually only between 3-5 dates. I've never been sexually active with more than one of the girls I am dating at a time. That is usually where I draw the line. If after 2-3months the girl I am seeing does not want to be exclusive, I may begin a new round of multi-dating while seeing her. But, again, I would break up with her prior to sexual activity with another woman. I'm also honest about my multi-dating. I flat out stated to my last gf before we were exclusive (about 2 mths in) that I would be dating others, but not be sexually intimate with anyone else while we were together. She was free to do the same until/unless she wanted an exclusive relationship as well.
daphne Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 The pros - You get to get to know people before getting involved. You don't get too attached to someone & start pushing for things to get too serious too soon(a female thing.) If things don't work out, you do move on quicker. Allows things to move at a healthier, more organic pace, allowing the potential for a stronger relationship. The cons - Some people get really put out by it. I used to be one of those people. Many people use it to sleep around. That's just gross. At some point you you really do have a favorite and you do want to stop seeing others. But they may not want to. I think it's best to do this early on. If you meet a guy that you do like more than the others and you've been on a handful of dates, you may want to consider narrowing it down or cutting off other options. But wait til you have the talk because you don't know what he's up to.
Recommended Posts