Taramere Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I have seen this said by singles all over....and it's REALLY up to interpretation. Sometimes, I'm wary of people who call others clingy, becuase it might say they want their cake and eat it to, or perhaps even commitment phobes even? I could be4 wrong. Okay, I saw this profile of a woman that says, "Clingers need not respond, must have own life and ambitions" Now, what is "Clingy"? I'd say it involves a person constantly looking to get their needs met by other people without considering those other peoples' needs - or resenting their needs (eg...why does he/she have to spend time on that hobby? What about me?) Think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 1. The basic need for food and shelter. If you're not getting those basic needs met, you're not going to have the time or energy to worry about getting any of the more sophisticated needs met. 2. Health, employment security - our own, and that of our loved ones. Again, if we don't have our health or if a loved one is gravely ill, concerns about whether we're sufficiently self actualised aren't likely to be uppermost in our minds. 3. Friendship, family, intimacy. Those being the needs most commonly discussed on this board. 4. Self respect, reputation, respect from others. 5. A moral code, opportunities for creative expression, mental stimulation. For some people, 5 might be so important that they're willing to sacrifice certain other needs in order to have the needs listed in 5 met. So for instance, a deeply religious person foresaking romantic/sexual opportunities. An artist or writer isolating themselves from others in order to concentrate on their work. I think people who are inclined towards that temperament still need other people, but they don't need them as much as the person who is highly focused on 3 needs would. The woman in the advert you cite seems to be saying that she wants somebody who recognises the needs listed in 5. It suggests she's currently at a point where her needs listed in 1, 2 and 3 are all well met - and she wants a man who's in the same position. If you're a lonely guy who is either unemployed or hates his job, feels deprived of intimacy/friendship and is insecure about his future, she's not interested. She's expressing that very bluntly in her ad. Personally I think she's blunt to a fault. In a dating site advert one would expect people to want to portray themselves in an appealing way...rather than an adversarial and unsympathetic "clingers need not apply" way. However, some men out there are going to find her Survival of the Fittest attitude appealing and will probably contact her as a result. To give her the benefit of the doubt, there could be another story to it. For example - imagine that she's a busy doctor working in a casualty department, saving lives on a daily basis. She's going to want somebody who understands those adult responsibilities and the extent to which meeting other people's needs all day can drain a person. If she dates the kind of guy who will routinely leave 7 "call me as soon as you get this, I need to talk to you" messages on her phone while she's on shift, it's going to fall apart very quickly. Even though there's this popular stereotype of the Sex In The City type woman, the reality is that a large percentage of professional women are in a professional caring role. So or a lot of professional men. The needy person would be the one who continually behaves similarly to a client, patient or demanding child - with the result that the other person never feels as though they're off shift.
Eeyore79 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 What about those that like solitary activities? Like me? I certainly would rather curl up with a good book than go out clubbing. For one, the loud music hurts my ears, and secondly, I have a crowd phobia. Introverts are better off dating other introverts. And women that say this usually aren't introverted. I don't like clubbing either, and both my boyfriend and I are somewhat introverted. We both manage to be out several times per week doing hobbies which are most definitely not related to clubbing and/or drinking alcohol. You're right when you say that introverts are better off dating other introverts, in the sense that people who have stuff in common tend to get along better. However you can be introverted and shy but not stay at home the whole time. I like to read etc when I have time, but I also go out to a few different societies where I do nerdy hobby-type things with other similarly-minded people, and I come home at 9.30pm.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I don't like clubbing either, and both my boyfriend and I are somewhat introverted. We both manage to be out several times per week doing hobbies which are most definitely not related to clubbing and/or drinking alcohol. You're right when you say that introverts are better off dating other introverts, in the sense that people who have stuff in common tend to get along better. However you can be introverted and shy but not stay at home the whole time. I like to read etc when I have time, but I also go out to a few different societies where I do nerdy hobby-type things with other similarly-minded people, and I come home at 9.30pm. Yeah, I like to hang out at a local coffeeshop and just take a book or my laptop and chill. I've also met people there. You don't need to drink to be social. Hell, you don't even need to meet in person to be social, with the internet being what it is. The message forum is a part of being social - I'm socializing with you all on here right now. That being said, I like a life outside of the internet. I love music, but sometimes I get bored listening to music and I'll turn it off and turn on a movie, or get a book, or play a video game. Or I'll call up a friend, and we'll go out for coffee. I'm not a lonely man in terms of being by myself. I have things that I can do to take up my time. I am a working musician, and if I was seeing someone and she was busy, I'd get into my private "studio" and see what I can come up with. Sometimes I spend hours just recording one or two songs. So I wouldn't be 'needy'...however, I would 'need her', because I would want to spend time with her when she's available.
pinkie Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Taramere explains it best! Here's my take: Her: Hardworking, mature, extroverted, independent, fun, self-contained, well rounded, reliable, dependable, non-attention seeking individual... Him: Broke, immature/insecure, introverted, co-dependent, boring, self-loathing, shallow, attention-seeking, "clingy", unreliable, dysfunctional, lonely, sad person. This relationship will never work... GET A LIFE of your own and stop being a bloodsucking leech!!! OR, at least give me my space and stop trying to steal my joy... Unfortunately, "misery does love company", sometimes we have no idea they are so miserable until its too late.... and they've damn near brought us down with them.
Author irc333 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Think couples should come up with some kind of Time Management plan if they're dating? To divi up between their time together, and the activities?
Author irc333 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Personally I think she's blunt to a fault. In a dating site advert one would expect people to want to portray themselves in an appealing way...rather than an adversarial and unsympathetic "clingers need not apply" way. However, some men out there are going to find her Survival of the Fittest attitude appealing and will probably contact her as a result. True, her method of advertising might come off as insensitive, cold and calculating, and has a "I'll only spend time with you if it's convenient to me" attitude. This would come off undesirable to most prospective suitors.
counterman Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 This is a part I am still trying to get "right". When I was in my last relationship, I always wanted to be with my girlfriend, couldn't get enough of her. I was going out of my way to just spend sometime with her. I thought it was great at first, but it took its toll on me. She could only spare me time that was convenient for me and I resolved my whole life around her. I was clingy. Now, I like to try new things, pick up hobbies, keep up a few and just doing my own thing and, honestly, I would a girl who's like that too. I have been clingy and it's not attractive and not healthy.
Questionis Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I consider myself very clingy. In the winter I can double as a girlfriend as a blanket !!!
Disillusioned Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I can kind of understand this, because I have hobbies so I'm out 2-4 evenings per week. I'd prefer a guy who also did something constructive with his time; it feels weird if I'm out doing something and he's just sitting at home the whole time. It usually results in him complaining that I go out too much! Also because I'm always doing stuff I feel like I have less respect for a guy who just sits on his ass. Ambitious women want ambitious men; I want to be successful in life and I feel that I'd be held back by a man who didn't make a similar effort. Like attracts like I give the lie to that line. I'm working 3 jobs, I have a lot of hobbies and can't just sit and do nothing. My worst nightmare would be to have a desk job. My old man sat on his butt and watched TV after I was born, but not me! But IME women aren't attracted to men like me who are all work and no play, all nerdliness and no gettin' stoopid. I'm always doing something constructive (or destructive, if it's to salvage parts) in my spare time, and I'm hardly a chick magnet.
Disillusioned Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Oh, yeah... the clingy thing. It wouldn't matter to me if a woman is as clingy as an effing octopus, as long as she's not materialistic and she pulls her weight. You can guess how many like HER there are in the world.
aerogurl87 Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I can't be with anyone who hates "clingy" people because emotionally I am very high maintenance and what I consider to be a decent amount of interaction with my partner, most find to be clingy. I've only met two other people who need and want to spend the same amount of time with someone when being in a relationship as I do. One of those people is my boyfriend. I understand that everyone needs alone time and space sometimes, but there has to be a balance and both people have to agree to what that balance will be. For some spending more than 2 days a week together when dating is clingy. For others it may not necessarily be about the amount of time spent together but the depth of emotional intimacy. And what I mean by that is some people like to distance themselves emotionally and consider getting close to someone as being clingy. So that's why I guess it depends on the person and what they consider to be clingy. But for me if someone said that, I wouldn't even pursue a relationship with them because they'd probably consider me clingy anyway.
Author irc333 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Posted January 24, 2011 Yeah, there was this late 40's woman I knew that is single, never married, no kids. Apparently she likes dating airline pilots because they're hardly ever around, and she likes it that way. I can't understand how can someone say that, and not realize they come off as cold and callous when they say that. A woman like that would probably considera normal boyfriend "clingy". But a man who works an occupation where he's barely around....why live like that, man? I can't be with anyone who hates "clingy" people because emotionally I am very high maintenance and what I consider to be a decent amount of interaction with my partner, most find to be clingy. I've only met two other people who need and want to spend the same amount of time with someone when being in a relationship as I do. One of those people is my boyfriend. I understand that everyone needs alone time and space sometimes, but there has to be a balance and both people have to agree to what that balance will be. For some spending more than 2 days a week together when dating is clingy. For others it may not necessarily be about the amount of time spent together but the depth of emotional intimacy. And what I mean by that is some people like to distance themselves emotionally and consider getting close to someone as being clingy. So that's why I guess it depends on the person and what they consider to be clingy. But for me if someone said that, I wouldn't even pursue a relationship with them because they'd probably consider me clingy anyway.
K.K. Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I'm clingy to the utmost degree. It sucks. But there's no changing me now. The thing is he was exactly the same way for most of the time we were together. Then all of a sudden, he...wasn't. He was even more of a clingy than me for most of the time. We were like an obsessive dance of pain/joy 24/7. I wasn't really a whiner and all that but I felt like when I wasn't with him like I would crumble and die. (pathetic I know...god) That's why I say it sucks. Because yea, life's scary when one person has the ability to break you like a twig. Is it healthy? Probably not. But DAMMNNn there isn't a hobby, yoga class, gym or group fantastically magical enough to compete with the high of the all consuming love-spell I was in! Am unfortunately still in! My life has completely stopped. I don't wanna go to a movie! Couldn't give a rats ass about coffee on the corner! I don't wanna get out and meet people! I want- him. I need another clingy. please don't judge me.
Emilia Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 wanting to spend a lot of time with someone isn't clingy, that's what living together and marriage mean anyway. the problem starts (especially for yourself) if you are completely dependent on them for your emotional well being. that's just a hard burden to bear for the other person - speaking from experience. I love spending lots of time with someone I really dig but I don't want my decisions to have so much weight all the time.
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