Kamille Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 So what does it mean when female friends never invite you to any social gatherings either? That I don't think they're a "fit" with my circle of friends. Actually, it's never that much of a conscious decision. Usually when I invite people over, I think about who'll get along and who'll add to the party, who's conversation I enjoy, who's mature and independent in social situations. I invite who I think about when I imagine the atmosphere I want to create at my party. If I don't invite you, I simply didn't think of you.
Stung Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I set up some of my guy friends when I was single. Reasons why I would not, or would not invite them to come along on a night out: 1. I wanted an actual girls' night out, time with my girl friends. The dynamic of this changes when there are straight men around, that's unavoidable. 2. I pretty much knew for a fact that my girlfriends were not going to be interested in the guy friend, for whatever reason/incompatibility. 3. The female friend(s) in question was recovering from a broken heart or was in some other way vulnerable so that it was inappropriate to offer her up on a platter. 4. I felt that the guy would be extremely awkward or predatory and make my female friends uncomfortable. 5. I secretly wanted one of them for myself.
Author irc333 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Wow, you're a nice friend, I wish I knew someone in real life as selfish and uncaring as you. I have to say I'm in a agreement iwth G.U. here...that's pretty crappy that you think of your friend as (well, it's your OPINION) that you find him attractive and that YOU think that THEY might find HIM unattractive and begrudge you for it? And if they DO begrudge you for it or you THINK they will begrudge you for it, they are pretty crappy friends to YOU, too.....why would you hang out with those people anyhow?
Author irc333 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 These are otherwise known as "excuses" LOL It's becoming clear to me how a lot of women try to make an excuse to keep themselves from the vicinity of men. They set up these oddball rules to keep men from being around them. "I don't date someone from the same Tae Kwon Do class" or college class....yep, I knew some people that don't crap where the eat, even OUTSIDE of the work place, how dumb. Or the big, "I don't date people in the gym, I'm there just to work out, blah blah" Or, even better, I've known women to admit to being out at a store, and being "pestered" by guys when they have errands to run. lol Either that, or they're just playing hard-to-get. ;-) I set up some of my guy friends when I was single. Reasons why I would not, or would not invite them to come along on a night out: 1. I wanted an actual girls' night out, time with my girl friends. The dynamic of this changes when there are straight men around, that's unavoidable. 2. I pretty much knew for a fact that my girlfriends were not going to be interested in the guy friend, for whatever reason/incompatibility. 3. The female friend(s) in question was recovering from a broken heart or was in some other way vulnerable so that it was inappropriate to offer her up on a platter. 4. I felt that the guy would be extremely awkward or predatory and make my female friends uncomfortable. 5. I secretly wanted one of them for myself.
sally4sara Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 It's becoming clear to me how a lot of women try to make an excuse to keep themselves from the vicinity of men. They set up these oddball rules to keep men from being around them. And see. Right there. I'd probably not introduce you because I'd worry you'd invalidate any expressed preference to back off from one of my friends because you'd view whatever reason they were not responding to you favorably as a lame excuse. The creepy factor. If someone doesn't want to deal with getting hit on in a particular setting - its not oddball to them and should be respected.
Kamille Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) These are otherwise known as "excuses" LOL It's becoming clear to me how a lot of women try to make an excuse to keep themselves from the vicinity of men. They set up these oddball rules to keep men from being around them. "I don't date someone from the same Tae Kwon Do class" or college class....yep, I knew some people that don't crap where the eat, even OUTSIDE of the work place, how dumb. Or the big, "I don't date people in the gym, I'm there just to work out, blah blah" Or, even better, I've known women to admit to being out at a store, and being "pestered" by guys when they have errands to run. lol Either that, or they're just playing hard-to-get. ;-) I perceive your attitude here to be somewhat abrasive and condescending and needlessly antagonizing. I realize you're likely very different IRL. However, if your attitude here is anything that translates into real life, nope, I would not consider you a good addition to a social gathering. You asked a question, we answered honestly and now you're twisting it against us. The take-away could have been: I understand: you invite well-rounded people that will fit into your circle of friends. I need to make sure I have great social skills. Edited January 20, 2011 by Kamille
Stung Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 And see. Right there. I'd probably not introduce you because I'd worry you'd invalidate any expressed preference to back off from one of my friends because you'd view whatever reason they were not responding to you favorably as a lame excuse. The creepy factor. . I perceive your attitude here to be somewhat abrasive and condescending and needlessly antagonizing. I realize you're likely very different IRL. However, if your attitude here is anything that translates into real life, nope, I would not consider you a good addition to a social gathering. You asked a question, we answered honestly and now you're twisting it against us. . Uh, yeah. Congratulations on slotting yourself neatly into #4, OP.
Author irc333 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Yeah, but the guy doesn't know that at the time. The correction here is though, if the man they found attractive were to hit on them, then that's a different situation. And see. Right there. I'd probably not introduce you because I'd worry you'd invalidate any expressed preference to back off from one of my friends because you'd view whatever reason they were not responding to you favorably as a lame excuse. The creepy factor. If someone doesn't want to deal with getting hit on in a particular setting - its not oddball to them and should be respected.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 If I (as a girl) introduce a guy to my female friends, it reflects badly on me if he's unattractive. My friends are like "Eww, you thought we'd be interested in him?" and they question my taste in men, and they also question my loyalty because I tried to set them up with a creepy guy. I might think he's a lovely person, we might be good friends, but if he isn't attractive then I won't introduce him to my friends because doing so reduces my social value. If he was attractive I probably wouldn't introduce him to my friends either, because I'd want him for myself! The only exceptions are a)If I'm already taken I'd pass an attractive guy on to my single friends, or b)If he's attractive but not my type I'd pass him on to my single friends. Both situations require the guy to be attractive though. If he's not attractive, no way am I introducing him to my friends, otherwise I'll get a reaction like "Omg you're such a crap friend, I can't believe you tried to introduce me to that creep!" What if he's a kind and sweet guy, but he's unattractive physically? Does that make him 'undatable?' Can you explain what you mean by unattractive?
sumdude Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Seems to be rare from my experience. Oddly enough though my good friend who is also an ex tries to help me out so go figure LOL. I think some of the others have been interested in me and the feeling wasn't mutual so they actually get in the way sometimes. I can see why many don;'t want the drama. If things go bad you can get stuck in the middle of a ***tstorm.
sally4sara Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Yeah, but the guy doesn't know that at the time. The correction here is though, if the man they found attractive were to hit on them, then that's a different situation. Look, I don't know you and have nothing personal against you so please don't take what I'm about to say to you as a want to cause you hurt feelings. You might be right, some of the "excuses" you get from women might not be completely sincere. While I and quite a few women I've known don't want to be pestered while at the gym, in some instructional class, or at work , it is highly unlikely that if our Mr. Perfect dream guy walked in and asked us out that we'd give him the brush off. But really, that hardly ever happens. At any given moment, any of us out in public are within arms reach of a few people we could have a decent relationship with. A lot of it is about timing plain and simple. Hell, The first couple times my husband and I ever laid eyes on each other, there were no sparks or indefinable chemistry felt. He was in work mode and I was in hangover mode wanting nothing more than coffee an avocado and egg bagel! If he had asked me out right then and there, we'd probably not be happily married right now because I'd have turned him down. See, finding and attaining sex for him was not the focus of his every waking moment when dealing with women - even attractive ones. So you probably have been fed a couple made up excuse because your presentation is, as it is for most folks, not the most impressive. It stinks but that's how it is for all but the most highly attractive people. You'll never walk into a room of strangers and get all the ladies wet on sight. So you'll need to put in ground work. Learn to relax and just be social. Stop approaching every women you find even remotely appealing with complete focus on getting laid. Think of what qualities you find in people (male or female) that impress you and work on being able to appreciate the women for those qualities. Learn to enjoy their company whether it results in sex or not. It puts them at ease and you come of less creepy and desperate. Men who are capable of enjoying female company without desperately pushing for the D in P enjoy a more active dating life. Because you can't hurry love no you'll just have to wait......
GivenUp0083 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Hey, Given Up! I don't know what your problem with IRC (or life in general) is, but you should know that your nastiness, bitterness and hostility are very clear in your posts. Get over yourself, you are not that great. Trying to help this guy get a grip on reality, if you're such good friends with him why don't you do something to help him. I went through a lot of struggle to find the girl I'm with right now and she's perfect for me. I had a bad attitude at times as well and I'm trying to help IRC needs help seeing the light, because his negativity and attitude will get him nowhere. These are otherwise known as "excuses" LOL It's becoming clear to me how a lot of women try to make an excuse to keep themselves from the vicinity of men. They set up these oddball rules to keep men from being around them. "I don't date someone from the same Tae Kwon Do class" or college class....yep, I knew some people that don't crap where the eat, even OUTSIDE of the work place, how dumb. Or the big, "I don't date people in the gym, I'm there just to work out, blah blah" Or, even better, I've known women to admit to being out at a store, and being "pestered" by guys when they have errands to run. lol Either that, or they're just playing hard-to-get. ;-) Yeah, but the guy doesn't know that at the time. The correction here is though, if the man they found attractive were to hit on them, then that's a different situation. IRC. It doesn't matter what the reason or the excuse is that a woman gives you for rejection. There's only one reason that matters: she isn't interested. That's all you need to know, because why would you want to be with a girl who isn't interested in you? That to me would be worse than being single. Women give odd excuses to men when they turn them down because they don't want to flat out give you a harsh rejection like "I just don't like you" or "I'm not attracted to you". Women very rarely say a direct NO to your face, they will either ignore you, brush you off, or make up some excuse as to not make it sound like you are the reason they are rejecting you. Your attitude does need to change, you need to change your social approach and just learn to chill. Meet new friends and think about enjoying yourself in a social setting first instead of making finding a date or a woman your objective. It will never work out like that, it will have to come natural. Try to get a female friend to give you honest brutal truth about how she perceives your social skills and ask her what you can work on or change that would help your situation or chances. Try not thinking about finding a woman at all and just enjoy your life. You'll be surprised at who you might bump into when you're not looking for her.
Eeyore79 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 BTW, I love how being more concerned with ones social value is more important than helping a friend out Yeah, but the female friend is just as much of a good friend as the male friend is. I don't want to make her uncomfortable by setting her up with an unattractive man who she will then have to go through the hassle of rejecting. If he was an attractive man who just wasn't my type but who she might like, then I'd introduce him. But if he was a generally unattractive man then I wouldn't put her (or him) through the hassle, because I already know she's going to say no anyway. She would question my friendship if I tried to set her up with a man who is clearly unattractive, and she will respond to me like "What the hell were you thinking?" If the guy was a player or something, she might like him initially but would blame me when he eventually hurt her.
Eeyore79 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 What if he's a kind and sweet guy, but he's unattractive physically? Does that make him 'undatable?' Can you explain what you mean by unattractive? It's easy to tell if a guy is good looking. Even if he isn't your type, you can still say objectively that he's a handsome man. Even if he isn't exactly handsome, you can still tell if he comes above that "yuck" threshold. If a guy is below that "yuck" threshold then it's a waste of time introducing him to my female friends; not only will it lead nowhere, it will actively damage my relationship with my friends because I tried to get them to date a yucky guy. Looks are only one component of "undateable" though. I also wouldn't introduce any of my female friends to a guy who was unemployed, took drugs, had a history of being a player, etc. Bottom line: if a guy isn't good boyfriend material I won't introduce him to my friends. However, the exact criteria vary from friend to friend. I might not introduce an ugly guy to my prettiest friend because it would be a waste of time, but if I had a female friend who wasn't so pretty then they might hit it off. I probably wouldn't introduce a guy who didn't graduate high school to my friend who's a PhD. If a guy wasn't so gorgeous but had lots in common with a particular friend, it might still be worth introducing them. But the rule about "good boyfriend material" still stands - you're a bad friend if you set your friend up with a loser or a player or an extremely ugly guy who you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.
Mad Max Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I personally wouldn't set anyone up unless asked. A couple recently likely were trying to hint that someone they knew was interested in me, but I put out a "not interested" vibe. Not really looking for a GF at present.
mo mo Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I tried to get a female friend of mine to set me up with a coworker of hers that I met at a party. That situation did NOT go over well. Sigh...
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