cgannon Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 A few years ago, my wife cheated on me. I forgave and we generally forgot. Except I didn't. I still love her, but it's different. Worse, I think I'm in love with someone else. I haven't acted yet, but I'm sure it is only a matter of time. I don't know what to do anymore.
Nightsky Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Sounds like you’re having an emotional affair? Why not end your marriage if you never really forgave her and see yourself with others?
Author cgannon Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 I thought I had forgiven. I still love her, and as hollow as it sounds, I don't want to hurt her. The other woman doesn't know how I feel. She thinks I'm a happily married man who is a friend.
Nightsky Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Well this is obviously more then friendship from your perspective. The best thing you can do for now is end your friendship and decide if you want to work on things with your wife. If you cheat you'll only lose respect for yourself.
edgeofdarkness Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Hmmm turning a fantasy into reality is a no-no, becus the object of yr fantasy may run like the clappers if u put it to her you want more than friendship. Then what, huh? I think u n yr wife shd go to counselling becus there r obvious issues you havnt worked thru. Tell yr wife how u feel. Counselling will sort the mess in yr mind and it will all come out in the wash, Face up, dude. do the right thing and lay yr cards on the table to yr wife. how difficult is it for u to be an honest man?
robf1971 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 A few years ago, my wife cheated on me. I forgave and we generally forgot. Except I didn't. I still love her, but it's different. Worse, I think I'm in love with someone else. I haven't acted yet, but I'm sure it is only a matter of time. I don't know what to do anymore. Clearly you haven't forgiven your wife, get into counselling with her. The in love with someone else thing is a fantasy, you will realise the OW eats, sh*ts and breathes like everyone else. Maybe she will even cheat on you. You are way better of working things through with your wife.
What_Next Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Are you sure this isn't just a repressed expression of revenge? I was honest with my wife after reconciling and I told her point blank that I was afraid that I'd eventually cheat on her. That was VERY hard for her to hear and for me to admit. I've just made the decision that if I am EVER in that position I'd let her go first. It's only right. Talk to your wife about this before you act. You know firsthand the incredibly painful after effects of infedlity. Don't bring it into your lives again. If you feel as though something might happen with this woman then leave your wife FIRST.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Sounds like you're conflicted. However, from what you wrote, this sounds like a revenge tactic. You still haven't forgotten what she did. You need to talk to your wife, and work something out. Confess everything. Most likely, she already suspects something; it's best for things to be out in the open. That way, you can work on fixing what's wrong.
YellowShark Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 A few years ago, my wife cheated on me. I forgave and we generally forgot. Except I didn't. I still love her, but it's different. Worse, I think I'm in love with someone else. I haven't acted yet, but I'm sure it is only a matter of time. I don't know what to do anymore. Of course "it is different" now. Why? Because all the trust and love you and your wife built up over the years was literally flushed down the toilet by your wife when she had an affair. So now your marriage IS NOT the same relationship you had prior to her affair. It is a new and different relationship. And it sounds like that her affair has tainted this new relationship for you. So you are totally in the "Grass is Greener" mode. What you really need to do now cgannon is REALIZE two things. 1) the grass is not greener with "your friend." 2) You really need to explore if you can stay with your wife through couples therapy. Please set up an appointment ASAP and let a professional work with you and your wife to see if you can get past the affair. If you really can't then get a divorce. Once the divorce is FINAL then approach "your friend" and ask her out on a date. Good luck.
Author cgannon Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 If you cheat you'll only lose respect for yourself. That's true.
hopesndreams Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 A few years ago, my wife cheated on me. I forgave and we generally forgot. Except I didn't. I still love her, but it's different. Worse, I think I'm in love with someone else. I haven't acted yet, but I'm sure it is only a matter of time. I don't know what to do anymore. You'll do what you want to do. Selfishness rules!!!! Use the excuse of your wife cheated and it gives you free reign to do what she had done to you. Or, be a man. D your W, which you should have done from the start and only then pursue another.
Iconoclast Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Well then tell us your plan. What is it you want to happen, and how are you going to make that happen? Pretty simple really.
Distant78 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Please man don't do it. You'll only hurt yourself and stoop down to your wife's level. What I suggest you do is divorce your wife if you don't want to go through a whole lot of pointless counseling. I want you to think hard about my question: Why would you participate in the same behavior that has minimized the value of your marriage and the respect for your wife?
nsphere Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 (edited) My ex admitted to cheating on me when I found out he was on online dating sites. It really changed something inside me. So many feelings hit me... betrayal, devastation, grief. We tried to work it out for a while as we have a son and during that time, I found myself extremely attracted to a single divorced guy at work that was always stopping by to flirt with me. I never acted on it and am so thankful I didn't. It was really flattering to my ego to have someone hit on me and at the same time, the broken pieces inside me were reaching out for something. I finally broke it off with my ex when I found more online stuff. It's tough because I see him all the time due to my son but I'm getting stronger everyday and feel pretty happy and fortunate most days now. But I also see that guy at work once in a while and neutrally observing him, I see he is a player.lol I am so glad I didn't go there! I'd be embarrassed to be one of his conquests if I had. Looking back, those feelings were just typical rebound and grieving feelings so please be careful. You don't want to jump from one bad relationship to another. Work on yourself first. Find a hobby you always wanted to do. Edited January 22, 2011 by nsphere
moloko Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 A few years ago, my wife cheated on me. I forgave and we generally forgot. Except I didn't. I still love her, but it's different. Worse, I think I'm in love with someone else. I haven't acted yet, but I'm sure it is only a matter of time. I don't know what to do anymore. you are not a dick, your wife caused this mess. and if you fell for someone and haven't cheated yet, then divorce your wife first before anything happens. don't stoop to her level.
Author cgannon Posted January 31, 2011 Author Posted January 31, 2011 Thank you all for your advice, even hopesndreams. I've mostly made up my mind that I'm going to do what is right. I'm going to live up to my word in telling my wife that we're past the mess and in telling her I will stay with her foresaking all others. I'm not going to act with the other girl, the possibility of working it out with was probably more fantasy than reality anyway. A man needs to always be a man, even when it is difficult.
utterer of lies Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 A few years ago, my wife cheated on me. I forgave and we generally forgot. Except I didn't. I still love her, but it's different. Worse, I think I'm in love with someone else. I haven't acted yet, but I'm sure it is only a matter of time. I don't know what to do anymore. You fell for someone else and use your wife's past cheating as an excuse.
2sunny Posted January 31, 2011 Posted January 31, 2011 my wife cheated on me. I forgave and we generally forgot. Except I didn't. your chosen words - alone they show how much you are in conflict with your emotions. sort through your complete confusion with a counselor. you don't even know where your truth starts and ends. there is no way to make any healthy progress unless you sort through all that confusion. here's a clue... you need to understand how YOU feel and interpret it for YOUR truth - in order to be healthy in any relationship.
Author cgannon Posted February 1, 2011 Author Posted February 1, 2011 You fell for someone else and use your wife's past cheating as an excuse. I don't see it that way at all. What happened with my wife was a few years ago. My feelings for this other woman started weeks ago. Huge bit of difference.
utterer of lies Posted February 1, 2011 Posted February 1, 2011 I don't see it that way at all. What happened with my wife was a few years ago. My feelings for this other woman started weeks ago. Huge bit of difference. Yes, but that's why you bring it up again. To make it ...better, more morally justifiable. Just be honest and accept that you fell for the new girl and that it doesn't have anything to do with your wife's past. But anyway, doesn't solve the problem - will you make a pass at your dream girl?
Author cgannon Posted February 2, 2011 Author Posted February 2, 2011 After talking with quite a few people, I've decided to stay with my wife and do my best to be the husband I promised to be. The other girl, well, I don't think anything would have happened there anyways. She's a good person who deserves more than I could give her. Here's to keeping promises.
HappyAtLast Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 I feel I must say something here. While I am not an advocate of affairs (although I did have one), I think you need to examine your feelings for your wife (pushing aside all thoughts of your potential other woman for the moment) and determine how you truly feel about her. My first wife had an affair many many years ago. Actually, several, but who is counting? I knew that I would never, could never forgive her. How do you feel about your wife now? If you still love her and have forgiven her, that's one thing. If you do not, that is entirely another. While is is admirable to keep a promise, it is entirely another to throw your entire life away over one. I fulfilled my promise to provide my children with an intact and peaceful home life. Once that promise was fulfilled, I went on to find my own happiness. Please consider your true feelings for your situation before making a final decision.
utterer of lies Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Don't worry, his resolve will weaken as soon as there is a tiny signal from that other girl that he has a chance...
HappyAtLast Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 Don't worry, his resolve will weaken as soon as there is a tiny signal from that other girl that he has a chance... As I said, his life-decision needs to be made regarding his wife, this other person should have no bearing. Not really sure the point of your post, but, duly noted, I suppose.
2sunny Posted February 2, 2011 Posted February 2, 2011 After talking with quite a few people, I've decided to stay with my wife and do my best to be the husband I promised to be. The other girl, well, I don't think anything would have happened there anyways. She's a good person who deserves more than I could give her. Here's to keeping promises. here's to making changes! change things. change YOU! that's the only thing you CAN change... to stay in the M only gives you the idea that you can expect more of the same that life has given you so far = and we can all see that it has gotten mainly to a result of considering cheating. is a cheater the man you intend to be? if not, change that man - do counseling to understand what brought to a place that YOU would consider being THAT man... or just be that man moving along in time. i hope you get help to find out how to become a better man than what you don't intend to be... no one really likes a dick...
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