jwi71 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I have NOT seen his finances but know how much he makes and know what his general bills are. Ask. Sit down, open up excel, and start. Have him bring the bills. Not just, what he says, but the actual bills. And LOOK at the financial picture. And of course, you get to do the same. Nothing wrong with this at all. With my own GF, I did this. We sat down one night at the 1 year-ish mark and did this. Credit reports pulled that afternoon and all. NO secrets. An honest and verifiable snapshot of finances. If you two are building a life together then you have every right to know his finances because they will soon(?) be YOURS. His W does get disability but obviously it's not a lot. I do not know what his lawyer has to say about all this. HOW he leaves is the one thing we disagree on. I'd ask for specifics on the financials. What does his lawyer say he will pay? Is there a cut-off date of these payments? As for HOW - not your business. WHEN - not your business but you clearly have a stake. So, I'd ask for when. If he refers to finances, I hope you ask to see them - not only for the above in terms of how it affects your finances but it will also allow you to see WHEN. Or at least a good idea of when he decides to leave. And, lets face it, he can leave whenever he wants. His lawyer will be able to negotiate his payments down. If he only makes 5000 per month and the xW wants 4K...not gonna happen because HE needs a living wage - and that's his lawyer's job. This is why I asked if you knew his lawyer's take on it. Because, after many a story here, the MM has, many, many times, NO lawyer at all. If they did, they would be hearing the EXACT same things I am telling you - or really close. Remember to USE YOUR HEAD. THINK. I have no clue how he's going to pull this off, financially. He tells me not to worry & he'll figure something out, but I do worry. I agree with you, it's a recipe for disaster. This is a red flag. Because, after all you two have been through - he still has NO plan - other than "I don't want to talk to you about it" (and thats what he's saying with don't worry about it). He's a grown man and should, by now, have more than a "rough idea" of his exit strategy. I know that we are in for a very rough road & we are going to be dealing with the financial aspects for a LOOOONG time. His plan is to get a better paying job, which is possible in his field, so in the next year he's hoping his income will be up by about 40% but that isn't much in the grand scheme of things. 40%? 40?!?!?! Uh, no. I know nothing more than what you post but I can PROMISE you he isn't getting 40% raise. Can YOU get a 40% raise? Can ANYONE? Especially in today's tight labor markets? Not only no but hell no. Make REALISTIC plans for tomorrow - not I will get another job paying 40% more next year. Think. Use that brain. How likely is it he's getting a new job paying 40% more? Not. Are you prepared to help financially? Are you prepared to open your home to him? What can YOU do to help his finances?
bentnotbroken Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 In my situation, I had somewhere to go & a lot of family support. We hadn't been together very long before D Day so him leaving wasn't something either of us were thinking of. Him & I have talked about this. In my personal experience, I told my xH that I was leaving but because of financial reasons & stuff with my son I ended up still being at home for 4 months after I told him I was leaving. Those were the worst 4 months of my life. I think if he tells her he's leaving as soon as he saves money up there are a lot of things she could do to make that more difficult. Of course being a man of such high integrity and respect for his wife..he is all about making it easier for himself. As I said the process of continuing to deceive not processing to leave.
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Ask. Sit down, open up excel, and start. Have him bring the bills. Not just, what he says, but the actual bills. And LOOK at the financial picture. And of course, you get to do the same. Nothing wrong with this at all. With my own GF, I did this. We sat down one night at the 1 year-ish mark and did this. Credit reports pulled that afternoon and all. NO secrets. An honest and verifiable snapshot of finances. If you two are building a life together then you have every right to know his finances because they will soon(?) be YOURS. I'd ask for specifics on the financials. What does his lawyer say he will pay? Is there a cut-off date of these payments? As for HOW - not your business. WHEN - not your business but you clearly have a stake. So, I'd ask for when. If he refers to finances, I hope you ask to see them - not only for the above in terms of how it affects your finances but it will also allow you to see WHEN. Or at least a good idea of when he decides to leave. And, lets face it, he can leave whenever he wants. His lawyer will be able to negotiate his payments down. If he only makes 5000 per month and the xW wants 4K...not gonna happen because HE needs a living wage - and that's his lawyer's job. This is why I asked if you knew his lawyer's take on it. Because, after many a story here, the MM has, many, many times, NO lawyer at all. If they did, they would be hearing the EXACT same things I am telling you - or really close. Remember to USE YOUR HEAD. THINK. This is a red flag. Because, after all you two have been through - he still has NO plan - other than "I don't want to talk to you about it" (and thats what he's saying with don't worry about it). He's a grown man and should, by now, have more than a "rough idea" of his exit strategy. 40%? 40?!?!?! Uh, no. I know nothing more than what you post but I can PROMISE you he isn't getting 40% raise. Can YOU get a 40% raise? Can ANYONE? Especially in today's tight labor markets? Not only no but hell no. Make REALISTIC plans for tomorrow - not I will get another job paying 40% more next year. Think. Use that brain. How likely is it he's getting a new job paying 40% more? Not. Are you prepared to help financially? Are you prepared to open your home to him? What can YOU do to help his finances? That is a very good idea, about getting everything together with the credit reports. I will definitely talk to him about doing that. The 40% raise is actually possible around here. But we're talking about someone who doesn't make very much (Lol) & is in the entry level of his field. You've given me a lot to think about. I'm going to ask him what the lawyer says.
jj33 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 You're right. I think he's being selfish (obviously!) and doesn't want to have to live in that house while she cries & begs him to stay. He is not really dealing with this well. Last night he was in tears saying, "I'm calling her right now & telling her. I can't live this way anymore." All this is wearing on him & I feel like he's not going to be able to wait until this summer. Maybe I missed something but in another post you said he told her he was in love with you and only staying til he could get his finances in order. That doesnt jive with what you posted above. Not trying to catch you out but ???? calling her and telling her what? If she knows and is begging him to stay, what does he have to call and tell her? The whole thing doesnt make sense unless he is lying to both you and his wife which based on the stories pposted on this board is totally possible. Not trying to rain on your parade and fact is often stranger than fiction but this whole thing does not make sense.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 If you don't mind my asking, how old are you and he? You sound very young. From your posts, it seems like the Jerry Springer-esque drama surrounding your relationship is its most notable feature. I understand that you feel "in love," but is that really going to work in forging a life with this man? Also, I have to agree with the above post which said there are inconsistencies in your posts about the logistics. He might be lying ... or else it's your own rose colored glasses. The 40% pay increase within a 12 month period - no. Not going to happen, unless he is going to graduate from law school and move on from his job at the gas station to practicing during this year. And even if that were the scenario, it would be very unwise to base any future financial plans upon something that has not taken place. Are you being realistic with yourself?
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Maybe I missed something but in another post you said he told her he was in love with you and only staying til he could get his finances in order. That doesnt jive with what you posted above. Not trying to catch you out but ???? calling her and telling her what? If she knows and is begging him to stay, what does he have to call and tell her? The whole thing doesnt make sense unless he is lying to both you and his wife which based on the stories pposted on this board is totally possible. Not trying to rain on your parade and fact is often stranger than fiction but this whole thing does not make sense. I have to agree with JJ33 on this one, it seems he's telling you one thing and his wife another. It's not adding up.
Ladyblue Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Your quote: "You're right. I think he's being selfish (obviously!) and doesn't want to have to live in that house while she cries & begs him to stay. He is not really dealing with this well. Last night he was in tears saying, "I'm calling her right now & telling her. I can't live this way anymore."All this is wearing on him & I feel like he's not going to be able to wait until this summer." So, DID he call her right then and tell her?
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Exactly. IF he did, good for him because then something will change. Finally. If he didn't, then he is a whiner and playing both of you (Not malciously, but selfishly) because he doesn't have it in him to do what is necessary to FIX/RESOLVE this situation. He can complain until the moon comes out, until he takes matters into his hands and DOES something about (not say, but actually DO) this is how things are going to be for a long time.
Ladyblue Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Exactly. IF he did, good for him because then something will change. Finally. If he didn't, then he is a whiner and playing both of you (Not malciously, but selfishly) because he doesn't have it in him to do what is necessary to FIX/RESOLVE this situation. He can complain until the moon comes out, until he takes matters into his hands and DOES something about (not say, but actually DO) this is how things are going to be for a long time. Or until her family get so disgusted with him they convince his W to run him off. In which case you will then have the privilege of being his "plan B."
jj33 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Sweet Pea you sound very open to people's observations which is great because sometime we are in the thick of it and we make sense of things the way we want them to be. I think that JW or someone else may have said this but whats the future here? You sound like a great Mom and you have your priorities in place in terms of protecting your children and not turning their lifes upside down over this. So assuming the best, he leaves. He cant really "save" his money for a place to move out because if they divorce, she is entitled to a share but lets say that works out somewhow. the 40% is odd. If he is having so much financial difficulty and he can get a 40% raise, why hasnt he done that yet? And he will have little money with all his support obligations but many people deal with that. Then you have the crazy family. If they were ready to stalk her, can you imagine what will happen when they find out about you? If its true that they were going to go down to this woman's work when she left? that is way too scary Can you imagine leaving exhausted after your shift, walking into parking lot when its dark and cold out and BOOM the crazy family shows up??? That could be you at some point in the future. Its good and noble to "stand by your man" be there for him while he is figuring out how to have a future with you etc etc But this sounds too wacky. Maybe the best thing you could do for you, for him and for his W is to back away. Tell him this has gotten way out of hand and you dont want to be a part of this anymore until he is in his own place. I really have my doubts that he has been truthful with his wife and you are thereby participating in gaslighting her, a woman who is unable to work and depends on him. Its a really crazy situation much worse than the normal gaslighting which is horrible enough. Whats the worst thing that could happen if you back away? He might stay married? If he does, then he never really planned to leave anyway. Let him put his money where his mouth is. I dont want to see you on a Jerry Springer episode.
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Maybe I missed something but in another post you said he told her he was in love with you and only staying til he could get his finances in order. That doesnt jive with what you posted above. Not trying to catch you out but ???? calling her and telling her what? If she knows and is begging him to stay, what does he have to call and tell her? The whole thing doesnt make sense unless he is lying to both you and his wife which based on the stories pposted on this board is totally possible. Not trying to rain on your parade and fact is often stranger than fiction but this whole thing does not make sense. He told her the only reason he is there is for the kids & she knows I exist and that he is in love with me. What she doesn't know is that we're still talking and having our R. I personally think deep down inside she knows but she doesn't want to admit it. I know he's lying to her. As I've said before, he doesn't have anywhere to go so being open right now about us isn't an option.
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 If you don't mind my asking, how old are you and he? You sound very young. From your posts, it seems like the Jerry Springer-esque drama surrounding your relationship is its most notable feature. I understand that you feel "in love," but is that really going to work in forging a life with this man? Also, I have to agree with the above post which said there are inconsistencies in your posts about the logistics. He might be lying ... or else it's your own rose colored glasses. The 40% pay increase within a 12 month period - no. Not going to happen, unless he is going to graduate from law school and move on from his job at the gas station to practicing during this year. And even if that were the scenario, it would be very unwise to base any future financial plans upon something that has not taken place. Are you being realistic with yourself? I'm happy to say the "Jerry Springer-esque" drama is SO not the most notable feature in our relationship. We've been together for 9 months with very little drama, thankfully. We are both in our mid-30's. The 40% pay increase in a year, again... is possible. I know for myself because of school & a promotion my income has increased considerably in the past year.
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 Your quote: "You're right. I think he's being selfish (obviously!) and doesn't want to have to live in that house while she cries & begs him to stay. He is not really dealing with this well. Last night he was in tears saying, "I'm calling her right now & telling her. I can't live this way anymore."All this is wearing on him & I feel like he's not going to be able to wait until this summer." So, DID he call her right then and tell her? No, I told him not to. What good would it do? Sweet Pea you sound very open to people's observations which is great because sometime we are in the thick of it and we make sense of things the way we want them to be. I think that JW or someone else may have said this but whats the future here? You sound like a great Mom and you have your priorities in place in terms of protecting your children and not turning their lifes upside down over this. So assuming the best, he leaves. He cant really "save" his money for a place to move out because if they divorce, she is entitled to a share but lets say that works out somewhow. the 40% is odd. If he is having so much financial difficulty and he can get a 40% raise, why hasnt he done that yet? And he will have little money with all his support obligations but many people deal with that. Then you have the crazy family. If they were ready to stalk her, can you imagine what will happen when they find out about you? If its true that they were going to go down to this woman's work when she left? that is way too scary Can you imagine leaving exhausted after your shift, walking into parking lot when its dark and cold out and BOOM the crazy family shows up??? That could be you at some point in the future. Its good and noble to "stand by your man" be there for him while he is figuring out how to have a future with you etc etc But this sounds too wacky. Maybe the best thing you could do for you, for him and for his W is to back away. Tell him this has gotten way out of hand and you dont want to be a part of this anymore until he is in his own place. I really have my doubts that he has been truthful with his wife and you are thereby participating in gaslighting her, a woman who is unable to work and depends on him. Its a really crazy situation much worse than the normal gaslighting which is horrible enough. Whats the worst thing that could happen if you back away? He might stay married? If he does, then he never really planned to leave anyway. Let him put his money where his mouth is. I dont want to see you on a Jerry Springer episode. Thanks for the advice everyone.
jj33 Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 OK then if you know hes lying to her then he is kind of lying to you too isnt he? Hes telling you she knows? Imagine yourself in her place. Shes unable to work. Shes got a medical condition that limits her ability to do things. Shes got a husband making no money who she knows is seeing someone else. Talk about a nightmare. And while hes not obligated to stay with her, the way he handles things with her is the way he handles things. Im not saying he will cheat on you but he isnt handling this in a good way for anyone. Not you, not her not anyone but himself. Im sure its stressful on him too but its most stressful on her. And humiliating and awful and scary and its awful. Whatever her future will be it will be, but its sometimes scarier waiting for the other shoe to drop than it is moving into the future however difficult it is. So hed be out? So his family is in England? Doesnt he have any friends he could stay with? If hes making so little money he could be there saving for a number of years. Thats just cruel to his wife. I hope this is not a case of watch what you wish for cuz you just might get it, but its not sounding great.
Goldenspoon Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I left my miserable marriage & he is in the process of leaving his. So right now we're trying to fly under the radar until he gets enough money saved to get out of there. What are you plan to do if he decides to stay in his marriage someday?
bentnotbroken Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 He told her the only reason he is there is for the kids & she knows I exist and that he is in love with me. What she doesn't know is that we're still talking and having our R. I personally think deep down inside she knows but she doesn't want to admit it. I know he's lying to her. As I've said before, he doesn't have anywhere to go so being open right now about us isn't an option. The truth is always an option. It is was he chooses not to make.
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 What are you plan to do if he decides to stay in his marriage someday? Leave him.
jwi71 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 No, I told him not to. What good would it do? What?!?!?!? Why did you say that? Here he is on the verge of telling his W he's moving, done, filing for D and you say "No"? Uh... Why on Earth, when he is ready to tell her would you talk him out of it? This makes absolutely no sense to me.
Carrot2000 Posted January 23, 2011 Posted January 23, 2011 ? If hes making so little money he could be there saving for a number of years. Thats just cruel to his wife. And cruel to SweetPea. I work in the IT department of a large federal agency and we have an accountability system to make sure our projects stay on time and on budget. All projects are expected to meet a set milestones over a six month period. A project that fails to meet three deadlines is stopped and re-planned; if a project misses a fourth deadline, it is scrapped altogether. The rationale behind this is that a failure to meet deadlines indicate a serious problem within the project, and the sooner we know this, the sooner we can back out and not waste time or money on something that ain't gonna work. Sometimes, this same logic has to be applied to relationships. SweetPea, I think it's a good idea for you and MM to sit down and talk about his plans for ending his marriage and map out the steps he needs to move forward. If you don't, you're potentially looking at a situation where you could be waiting indefinitely for him to get a divorce. What steps would you like to see him make toward ending his marriage in the next three to six months? They don't have to be huge accomplishments-- it could be something as simple as consulting an attorney, applying for higher-paying jobs, and telling his wife the truth about your relationship. If he stays on track and delivers everything the two of you agreed upon, great--keep moving forward. If he fails to meet the first few deadlines,the two of you can re-evaluate and revamp the plan. However, if he continues to miss important milestones, then you know its time to scrap the project before you invest any more time on it. Who knew project management could be applied to love?
Mimolicious Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I'm sorry, but where is the respect in this? I never called anyone on this forum bitter or jealous. I just commented that some people can be down right mean. Thanks for proving me right on that. What is the matter with you? Have I offended you personally? Said something nasty to you? NO I haven't. I'm just some woman you've never met who's in love with a married man. Have you ever been in my shoes? I don't see how me not wanting some poor woman to get screamed at because of me is being chicken. If his W's family comes after me, then I'll deal with it. Thank you for saying we deserve each other... because we do. After spending a great deal of time in miserable marriages we found someone who adores us & makes us happy. I left my miserable marriage & he is in the process of leaving his. Hones, seriously read your own post. Someone TOTALLY STRANGED to your situation can get the lights punched out of her. Oopsie! It was a mistake. You are sleeping around with someone else's H, who according to you are belligerent enough to actually go out looking for you and you are doing what about it???????? You don't want this woman to get screamed at but what are you doing to prevent this, again? So you knew that your marriage was "miserable" after or before you stepped outside of it? Just curious... No, you have not offended me in any way. Never been on your shoes, I refuse to be a doormat, that's why I divorced my cheating H. Someone else can put up with his drama. Anyway, do you know that innocent people get killed or hurt because of shyte like this????? Do you know that if you ever stood a chance of getting some respect from his relatives, you lost it by denying your involvement? Silence is golden, I guess... I never said that YOU (personally YOU) called anyone anything. Stay here a little longer and you'll see for yourself, what I was talking about or maybe you misread my comment.
Mimolicious Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 Here, Right now he has absolutely no where to go & he's trying to get his finances together. All his family is in England, the only friends he has are mutual friends of his W & I have a 4 year-old so he can't come here. We have been in our A for 9 months and a few months ago he told me he's leaving. He sold his motorcycle & some other things of his to start a savings to move out. Like a lot of people right now, he doesn't have a lot of extra money to save so most of his paycheck goes towards their house & bills for home. It's important for him, and for me also, that his boys (he has 2) can stay in that house after they get divorced. His wife can not work because of a medical condition so his income is all they have. He has gotten caught 3 times. We have never stopped our R. The last two times he got caught, he told her he still loves me & that he is just there for the kids. If he tells her now he either will get kicked out (which I doubt) or she'll make his life even more miserable until he leaves. It's not fair to my little boy to have some man just shoved in to his life, I won't do that. So he can't move here. So right now we're trying to fly under the radar until he gets enough money saved to get out of there. The bolded- I have to say, I am actually impressed at this and much respect. Not many women in your situation care much about shoving a man down their little one's throat. I commend you. One thing though, don't be too surprised when your MM doesn't deliver half the agenda. I'm just going by what the masses do. Wish you well, and make sure nobody gets physically hurt in the process.
Recommended Posts