JsSweetPea Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 So, long story short... My MM's wife found a picture of me on his phone months ago. It was nothing scandalous just a picture of my face. Well.... I guess she printed it out & showed it to just about everyone she knew so they'd be on the lookout for me. Well.... his brother-in-law & his wife were out today & called my MM's W saying they saw me working somewhere. She even shares my name, according to her nametag. They actually found out her position there & when she gets off tonight. I feel so bad... what should I do, guys?? Do I call up there & tell her to watch out for psychos or should I just leave it alone? I know if I call I'm going to sound like a freak, but I feel so bad for her! The W's family has been trying to find out who I was for months & I just am scared they're going to try & screw with this poor girl. My MM says he told them it wasn't me & he is pretty sure that his W believes him but her family is a bit bonkers....
Heather1 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Yikes! My name is very unusual, and I'm sure I'd MM W & friends come after me too. Maybe they'll bring the printed out photo & she'll say it's not her? IDK, that's kind of a strange situation to put someone unsuspecting in. You need to tell him to let his W know that is NOT the AP, so that she's not collateral damage. Hopefully he's a good enough guy to realize that & not just let this woman take the fall cuz he doesn't want to.
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Yikes! My name is very unusual, and I'm sure I'd MM W & friends come after me too. Maybe they'll bring the printed out photo & she'll say it's not her? IDK, that's kind of a strange situation to put someone unsuspecting in. You need to tell him to let his W know that is NOT the AP, so that she's not collateral damage. Hopefully he's a good enough guy to realize that & not just let this woman take the fall cuz he doesn't want to. He just called to say she believes that it's not me & he asked her to call her brother & tell him the same. I'm just going to let it be. I don't want to bring her in this mess.
Owl Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Wow...here's a twist I'd never considered. I know that there are arguements all the time about whether or not affairs hurt anyone...but I've got to say that this is the first thread I've seen in my years of posting here where a complete and totally innocent bystander could end up getting hurt by the affair!!! I just keep picturing someone sitting on the floor trying to figure out why this person just punched them in the nose and calling them names for cheating with their spouse....and it's the wrong person. OUCH!
greengoddess Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Hey I have this really bizarre idea. Why doesn't Your MARRIED boyfriend tell his wife the TRUTH.
herenow Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 So the BW has your picture and your name and the only way to find you is by searching the city on foot. Sorry, but this whole thing sounds to ridiculous to be the truth. Are you getting this info from the MM? It doesn't make sense. If she found your picture and name on his phone, she would probably be able to find your number as well. Seems to me a BW who is tech savvy enough to print a picture from a phone can certainly use more effective ways of finding you if she wants to.
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Wow...here's a twist I'd never considered. I know that there are arguements all the time about whether or not affairs hurt anyone...but I've got to say that this is the first thread I've seen in my years of posting here where a complete and totally innocent bystander could end up getting hurt by the affair!!! I just keep picturing someone sitting on the floor trying to figure out why this person just punched them in the nose and calling them names for cheating with their spouse....and it's the wrong person. OUCH! I KNOW, I'm picturing the same. Ugh, I'd feel awful!! I think I'm going to go in there tonight to see if she's there. So the BW has your picture and your name and the only way to find you is by searching the city on foot. Sorry, but this whole thing sounds to ridiculous to be the truth. Are you getting this info from the MM? It doesn't make sense. If she found your picture and name on his phone, she would probably be able to find your number as well. Seems to me a BW who is tech savvy enough to print a picture from a phone can certainly use more effective ways of finding you if she wants to. Here, Yes, I got the information from the MM. I agree it doesn't sound right. I'm beginning to think this was something his W & her best friend made up to see his reaction. She has my cell phone number & months ago she texted me a few times. She hasn't since I told her I never wanted to hear from her or her husband again. I only said that part about her husband so she'd leave me alone. For a while she stopped bringing me up to him but she recently started again. I think she knows we're still seeing each other is trying to catch him up.
bentnotbroken Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I KNOW, I'm picturing the same. Ugh, I'd feel awful!! I think I'm going to go in there tonight to see if she's there. Here, Yes, I got the information from the MM. I agree it doesn't sound right. I'm beginning to think this was something his W & her best friend made up to see his reaction. She has my cell phone number & months ago she texted me a few times. She hasn't since I told her I never wanted to hear from her or her husband again. I only said that part about her husband so she'd leave me alone. For a while she stopped bringing me up to him but she recently started again. I think she knows we're still seeing each other is trying to catch him up. I am not sure that's what the poster meant.
Mimolicious Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 So, long story short... My MM's wife found a picture of me on his phone months ago. It was nothing scandalous just a picture of my face. Well.... I guess she printed it out & showed it to just about everyone she knew so they'd be on the lookout for me. Well.... his brother-in-law & his wife were out today & called my MM's W saying they saw me working somewhere. She even shares my name, according to her nametag. They actually found out her position there & when she gets off tonight. I feel so bad... what should I do, guys?? Do I call up there & tell her to watch out for psychos or should I just leave it alone? I know if I call I'm going to sound like a freak, but I feel so bad for her! The W's family has been trying to find out who I was for months & I just am scared they're going to try & screw with this poor girl. My MM says he told them it wasn't me & he is pretty sure that his W believes him but her family is a bit bonkers.... Nice! Let another one bite the bust! What are you going to do when they really come for you? Yet, you are still with this MM? Hilarious! Put your life at risk at your own will. Pfft!:sick:
Mimolicious Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I KNOW, I'm picturing the same. Ugh, I'd feel awful!! I think I'm going to go in there tonight to see if she's there. Here, Yes, I got the information from the MM. I agree it doesn't sound right. I'm beginning to think this was something his W & her best friend made up to see his reaction. She has my cell phone number & months ago she texted me a few times. She hasn't since I told her I never wanted to hear from her or her husband again. I only said that part about her husband so she'd leave me alone. For a while she stopped bringing me up to him but she recently started again. I think she knows we're still seeing each other is trying to catch him up. Seriously, with all due respect... The both of you deserve each other. See, this is where people who don't giddy up with this scenario get called "bitter" & "Jealous", blah, blah, blah... NO, I am none of the above! One thing I am not is a tool for deception and there is nothing to be jealous about your situation. Your MM is no prize. You are clowning around another woman, sleepig with her husband, enabling him to continue to cheat, yet when you feel like you may be under siege you are this chicken about it? Whoa! Tsk, tsk, tsk....
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Seriously, with all due respect... The both of you deserve each other. See, this is where people who don't giddy up with this scenario get called "bitter" & "Jealous", blah, blah, blah... NO, I am none of the above! One thing I am not is a tool for deception and there is nothing to be jealous about your situation. Your MM is no prize. You are clowning around another woman, sleepig with her husband, enabling him to continue to cheat, yet when you feel like you may be under siege you are this chicken about it? Whoa! Tsk, tsk, tsk.... I'm sorry, but where is the respect in this? I never called anyone on this forum bitter or jealous. I just commented that some people can be down right mean. Thanks for proving me right on that. What is the matter with you? Have I offended you personally? Said something nasty to you? NO I haven't. I'm just some woman you've never met who's in love with a married man. Have you ever been in my shoes? I don't see how me not wanting some poor woman to get screamed at because of me is being chicken. If his W's family comes after me, then I'll deal with it. Thank you for saying we deserve each other... because we do. After spending a great deal of time in miserable marriages we found someone who adores us & makes us happy. I left my miserable marriage & he is in the process of leaving his.
greengoddess Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 If he is in the process of leaving his then why is he still home? If he is in the process of leaving his then why is he still lying to his wife? If he is in the process of leaving his then why is he still hiding and sneaking around with you telling his wife you are a thing of the past. If he was in the process of leaving he would have left on D day. Seriously. You were able to leave. Why can't he? Obviously his wife has plenty of family support behind her so why doesn't he leave? What exactly is in the process of leaving. Please don't let this man take you for a ride. Please. ARGH I hate when mm use women.
herenow Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I Thank you for saying we deserve each other... because we do. After spending a great deal of time in miserable marriages we found someone who adores us & makes us happy. I left my miserable marriage & he is in the process of leaving his. If he is leaving his wife, why is he putting her through the lies still? Why can he just put her out of her misery and tell her the truth? That would make everyone stop the search and no more innocent people would be a risk of getting hurt. Since he is leaving anyway, why not be honest about what is really going on? She already knows about you, so that can't be the reason. So, please tell us, why can't he tell the truth?
herenow Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 If he is in the process of leaving his then why is he still home? If he is in the process of leaving his then why is he still lying to his wife? If he is in the process of leaving his then why is he still hiding and sneaking around with you telling his wife you are a thing of the past. If he was in the process of leaving he would have left on D day. Seriously. You were able to leave. Why can't he? Obviously his wife has plenty of family support behind her so why doesn't he leave? What exactly is in the process of leaving. Please don't let this man take you for a ride. Please. ARGH I hate when mm use women. I agree. I was posting at the same time.
greengoddess Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I agree. I was posting at the same time. lol I know because I couldn't edit right away. I seriously need a comma after each HIS.
jwi71 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Well.... his brother-in-law & his wife were out today & called my MM's W saying they saw me working somewhere. She even shares my name, according to her nametag. They actually found out her position there & when she gets off tonight. Wait...did you say your MM's brother-in-law? So your MM's sister right? Does this not concern you that, if I read this right, HIS SISTER is "against you"? That his sister is supporting his wife and looking for you (in a bad way I presume). My MM says he told them it wasn't me & he is pretty sure that his W believes him but her family is a bit bonkers.... If I read this right...I would be prepared to add HIS family as well. And why, if he is in the process of getting a D, is HIS SISTER, helping his W? Or at least "on the lookout" for you and feeding this back to her brother's wife - you know, the wife he's leaving? Holidays should be very interesting methinks.
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Wait...did you say your MM's brother-in-law? So your MM's sister right? Does this not concern you that, if I read this right, HIS SISTER is "against you"? That his sister is supporting his wife and looking for you (in a bad way I presume). If I read this right...I would be prepared to add HIS family as well. And why, if he is in the process of getting a D, is HIS SISTER, helping his W? Or at least "on the lookout" for you and feeding this back to her brother's wife - you know, the wife he's leaving? Holidays should be very interesting methinks. It could be the W's brother and his wife. But I don't get that process stuff while still lying either. The people on here who's AP left their spouses seem to all have told them they were leaving and then proceeded to do just that. But lying, gaslighting and hiding that's not a process of leaving but a process of deception.
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 If he is leaving his wife, why is he putting her through the lies still? Why can he just put her out of her misery and tell her the truth? That would make everyone stop the search and no more innocent people would be a risk of getting hurt. Since he is leaving anyway, why not be honest about what is really going on? She already knows about you, so that can't be the reason. So, please tell us, why can't he tell the truth? Here, Right now he has absolutely no where to go & he's trying to get his finances together. All his family is in England, the only friends he has are mutual friends of his W & I have a 4 year-old so he can't come here. We have been in our A for 9 months and a few months ago he told me he's leaving. He sold his motorcycle & some other things of his to start a savings to move out. Like a lot of people right now, he doesn't have a lot of extra money to save so most of his paycheck goes towards their house & bills for home. It's important for him, and for me also, that his boys (he has 2) can stay in that house after they get divorced. His wife can not work because of a medical condition so his income is all they have. He has gotten caught 3 times. We have never stopped our R. The last two times he got caught, he told her he still loves me & that he is just there for the kids. If he tells her now he either will get kicked out (which I doubt) or she'll make his life even more miserable until he leaves. It's not fair to my little boy to have some man just shoved in to his life, I won't do that. So he can't move here. So right now we're trying to fly under the radar until he gets enough money saved to get out of there.
jwi71 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 It could be the W's brother and his wife. But I don't get that process stuff while still lying either. The people on here who's AP left their spouses seem to all have told them they were leaving and then proceeded to do just that. But lying, gaslighting and hiding that's not a process of leaving but a process of deception. Oh, you're right. In fact, I bet you are right...its his W's brother and his W. Obviously my post is invalid and I'm having a "duh" moment
herenow Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Here, He has gotten caught 3 times. We have never stopped our R. The last two times he got caught, he told her he still loves me & that he is just there for the kids. If this is true, why is he lying to her now?
woinlove Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 If he tells her now he either will get kicked out (which I doubt) or she'll make his life even more miserable until he leaves. It's not fair to my little boy to have some man just shoved in to his life, I won't do that. So he can't move here. So right now we're trying to fly under the radar until he gets enough money saved to get out of there. Unless he is devoid of common human emotions, I don't understand how sustaining a life of lies and deception in the home with wife and his children could possibly make him less miserable than being honest and following a formal separation agreement, in house, if necessary due to finances.
jwi71 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Here, Right now he has absolutely no where to go & he's trying to get his finances together. All his family is in England, the only friends he has are mutual friends of his W & I have a 4 year-old so he can't come here. We have been in our A for 9 months and a few months ago he told me he's leaving. He sold his motorcycle & some other things of his to start a savings to move out. Like a lot of people right now, he doesn't have a lot of extra money to save so most of his paycheck goes towards their house & bills for home. It's important for him, and for me also, that his boys (he has 2) can stay in that house after they get divorced. His wife can not work because of a medical condition so his income is all they have. He has gotten caught 3 times. We have never stopped our R. The last two times he got caught, he told her he still loves me & that he is just there for the kids. If he tells her now he either will get kicked out (which I doubt) or she'll make his life even more miserable until he leaves. It's not fair to my little boy to have some man just shoved in to his life, I won't do that. So he can't move here. So right now we're trying to fly under the radar until he gets enough money saved to get out of there. Let me ask you a practical question if I may (and please forget my duh post from above...dunno, brain fart I guess.) So he is staying for the finances. And he is working on saving enough money to move out and file for D. It sounds very plausible. I guess my problem is WHEN and HOW he gets there. Lets face it, an asset sale isn't the solution as his problem will be ongoing monthly payments. And asset sales rarely help there. As you stated, income is hard to come by. So he is reducing expenses. But he can't because its important to keep the house for his medically ill wife (stbxw) and kids. Since she CAN'T work and is wholly dependent upon him - the alimony is gonna be a killer. Along with the CS payments (if any). And the mortgage. And the utilities. And so on... I'm not sure HOW he gets to that point where he can support his W, himself and, ultimately, you and yours (at least partially). Selling his bike, though a nice gesture, doesn't really do much to his bottom line. Have you seen his finances? What has his lawyer said about this (if you happen to know)? Just from where I am sitting, you are going to be dealing with this for YEARS as, based on what you post, his INCOME is not going up anytime soon and he CAN'T reduce expenses. In fact, his expenses will go UP and his INCOME will not. Its a recipe for disaster for you. What has he said about that? What is his plan on that front? Be wary...
greengoddess Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I have a feeling his wife made him sell his bike because he was "going out for a ride" a little much. These "married" men spin everything in their favor to look good to the ow.
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 If he is in the process of leaving his then why is he still home? If he is in the process of leaving his then why is he still lying to his wife? If he is in the process of leaving his then why is he still hiding and sneaking around with you telling his wife you are a thing of the past. If he was in the process of leaving he would have left on D day. Seriously. You were able to leave. Why can't he? Obviously his wife has plenty of family support behind her so why doesn't he leave? What exactly is in the process of leaving. Please don't let this man take you for a ride. Please. ARGH I hate when mm use women. In my situation, I had somewhere to go & a lot of family support. We hadn't been together very long before D Day so him leaving wasn't something either of us were thinking of. It could be the W's brother and his wife. But I don't get that process stuff while still lying either. The people on here who's AP left their spouses seem to all have told them they were leaving and then proceeded to do just that. But lying, gaslighting and hiding that's not a process of leaving but a process of deception. Him & I have talked about this. In my personal experience, I told my xH that I was leaving but because of financial reasons & stuff with my son I ended up still being at home for 4 months after I told him I was leaving. Those were the worst 4 months of my life. I think if he tells her he's leaving as soon as he saves money up there are a lot of things she could do to make that more difficult. Oh, you're right. In fact, I bet you are right...its his W's brother and his W. Obviously my post is invalid and I'm having a "duh" moment Yes, it's his W's brother & his wife. I'm trying to answer all these questions in order! You guys are fast today. Lol
Author JsSweetPea Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Unless he is devoid of common human emotions, I don't understand how sustaining a life of lies and deception in the home with wife and his children could possibly make him less miserable than being honest and following a formal separation agreement, in house, if necessary due to finances. You're right. I think he's being selfish (obviously!) and doesn't want to have to live in that house while she cries & begs him to stay. He is not really dealing with this well. Last night he was in tears saying, "I'm calling her right now & telling her. I can't live this way anymore." All this is wearing on him & I feel like he's not going to be able to wait until this summer. Let me ask you a practical question if I may (and please forget my duh post from above...dunno, brain fart I guess.) So he is staying for the finances. And he is working on saving enough money to move out and file for D. It sounds very plausible. I guess my problem is WHEN and HOW he gets there. Lets face it, an asset sale isn't the solution as his problem will be ongoing monthly payments. And asset sales rarely help there. As you stated, income is hard to come by. So he is reducing expenses. But he can't because its important to keep the house for his medically ill wife (stbxw) and kids. Since she CAN'T work and is wholly dependent upon him - the alimony is gonna be a killer. Along with the CS payments (if any). And the mortgage. And the utilities. And so on... I'm not sure HOW he gets to that point where he can support his W, himself and, ultimately, you and yours (at least partially). Selling his bike, though a nice gesture, doesn't really do much to his bottom line. Have you seen his finances? What has his lawyer said about this (if you happen to know)? Just from where I am sitting, you are going to be dealing with this for YEARS as, based on what you post, his INCOME is not going up anytime soon and he CAN'T reduce expenses. In fact, his expenses will go UP and his INCOME will not. Its a recipe for disaster for you. What has he said about that? What is his plan on that front? Be wary... I have brain farts all the time, no worries. I have NOT seen his finances but know how much he makes and know what his general bills are. His W does get disability but obviously it's not a lot. I do not know what his lawyer has to say about all this. HOW he leaves is the one thing we disagree on. I have no clue how he's going to pull this off, financially. He tells me not to worry & he'll figure something out, but I do worry. I agree with you, it's a recipe for disaster. I know that we are in for a very rough road & we are going to be dealing with the financial aspects for a LOOOONG time. His plan is to get a better paying job, which is possible in his field, so in the next year he's hoping his income will be up by about 40% but that isn't much in the grand scheme of things. Ugh, what a mess! At least I know that. Lol I have a feeling his wife made him sell his bike because he was "going out for a ride" a little much. These "married" men spin everything in their favor to look good to the ow. Actually she didn't want him to sell it. I just know that from phone conversations I overheard. My MM needs to be a better spin artist, I think. Lol... we talk about his life at home a lot & some things he says I'm like, No wonder she got mad at you. Bless him, but he's a typical man who has a tendency to stay stupid things. Thank you guys for you being considerate!
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