Breaking NC because of guilt?

[Movingthrough]

Well if you have been following some of my posts you can see what just happened with my ex. Been NC for 2 months, ex comes out of woodwork and is telling people im basically satans spawn because she is pissed i wont talk to her (i guess).

 

Anyway, during our relationship she liked me because of "me", im very straight forward, blunt and gosh i hate to say this but to her very "manly" (just sounds corny to me). I have always been like this but i knew she liked it and her exes were not AT ALL like that. Her exes would always basically hang off her coat tails because she is a very attractive, in shape girl. She never put off the vibe of needing it (i think she does) but has always basically been with pushovers.

 

So while i didnt change who i was, i would act sometimes almost "too much" like the manly, non budging type A whatever you want to call it. The point is as an adult i can admit i would push her buttons, almost proving over and over that im not that pushover that i know she didnt want so bad. Problem is when i look back, being realistic, some of it was mean, i never did anything over the top or physical NOTHING like that but it was too much sometimes. In all reality, i think a lot of what i did lead to the ending of the relationship.

 

BUT like i said, i was like that because thats what she wanted and also because deep down i had trust issues with her since her last marriage had a rumor of cheating. Days after me she moved onto someone else so could have cheated on me also, point is, she is no angel but now that im moving on, feeling better and really trying to put this behind me, some of me has wanted to break NC and tell her that yes we are not going to work out but as a man and an adult i want you to know that nothing was done intentionally to be harsh or mean to you.

 

One thing she has said over and over since we ended is "how mean" i was to her, obviously this is exageratted a tad but i hate to think that she (or anyone) would think that of me. Its just hard because in the midst of me saying this, she has another guy, rumors of infidelity, and talking behind my back - all after saying "i was everything she has ever wanted and will NEVER leave".

 

Where do you draw the line between forgiveness and letting them know you are sorry for what happened, and ignoring with NC?

[cerridwen]

This sounds like something you need to do for yourself.

Unlike some other posters, I don't sense you're

searching for an excuse to contact her, but that you're

genuinely troubled by how you treated her.

 

That you're compelled to apologize isn't about forgiveness. Despite her actions, you are holding yourself to a standard of behavior. I think that's admirable. If you feel this will help lessen some guilt so you can continue to move forward, it's a good idea. If it will help reinstill any respect you may have lost for yourself, it's a good idea. It can be very freeing.

 

I apologized to my ex via email after we broke up. He wronged me greatly but I hurt him too. Apologizing helped me get closure even though he never returned the favor.

[Movingthrough]

This sounds like something you need to do for yourself.

Unlike some other posters, I don't sense you're

searching for an excuse to contact her, but that you're

genuinely troubled by how you treated her.

 

That you're compelled to apologize isn't about forgiveness. Despite her actions, you are holding yourself to a standard of behavior. I think that's admirable. If you feel this will help lessen some guilt so you can continue to move forward, it's a good idea. If it will help reinstill any respect you may have lost for yourself, it's a good idea. It can be very freeing.

 

I apologized to my ex via email after we broke up. He wronged me greatly but I hurt him too. Apologizing helped me get closure even though he never returned the favor.

 

I guess my issue is the fact that she is currently bad mouthing me behind my back im guessing to "bait" me into talking to her. So while i can honestly say iam NOT looking for an excuse to contact her, shes not currently respecting me, so to send something being nice and forgiving, seems a little off.

 

But i can say in all reality that i do have guilt over how i was. I have apologized before but it was more in the mentality of trying to get her back right after we broke up.

 

I know that NC has worked great for me though and in the long run will probably be best for me to stick to it...ehhh this is tough.

[cerridwen]

I guess my issue is the fact that she is currently bad mouthing me behind my back im guessing to "bait" me into talking to her. So while i can honestly say iam NOT looking for an excuse to contact her, shes not currently respecting me, so to send something being nice and forgiving, seems a little off.

 

But i can say in all reality that i do have guilt over how i was. I have apologized before but it was more in the mentality of trying to get her back right after we broke up.

 

I know that NC has worked great for me though and in the long run will probably be best for me to stick to it...ehhh this is tough.

 

Hmm...if you're not at the point of "really feeling it" then I wouldn't send an apology. Sounds like things still need to settle down.

[Kansas]

Don't break NC or get sucked into her stupid petty games.

It sounds like the fact that you are not contacting her is really getting to her. Let her tell the world that you're Satan's spawn ... those who know you won't believe her anyways and at the end of the day, she's only making herself look bad by bad mouthing you.

 

I can't imagine that even if you did break NC the conversation would go well because she sees herself as the victim and the wounded party in all of this. Don't fall for the "he was so mean to me card". Understand why you behaved the way that you did; learn your lessons and forgive yourself for how you behaved. You don't need her forgiveness or her understanding. Let her thinks what she wants. It doesn't sound like she's being very objective in all of this.

[Biker2007]

Movingthrough,

 

I was in a similar situation recently. My X and I broke up about 1 yr ago. I was pissed at her for a while due to the way she handled the break up, but as my anger passed I realized some of the ways in which I contributed to the downfall of the relationship.

 

This bothered me for a while, so I decided to reach out to her about 1 week ago and see if she was open for a talk. I will admit I still have some feelings towards her, but zero expectation of anything ever developing between us again. She told me that she was in a happy relationship, so it would be a little awkward meeting face to face.

 

So, I told her I wanted to make sure that she understood that I never intended to say or do anything to criticize her. Her misunderstanding of a comment I made during our last week together was a big contributor to our break up.

 

The only expectation that I had was to clear the air. She really appreciated that I took the chance to reach out to her.

 

I kept the call short and wished her the best.

 

It hurt to hear about the new guy, but it felt very good to to apologize for my part in the break up.

 

As long as you do it for yourself, then you have very little to lose.

 

Good luck!

[Movingthrough]

Thanks for the responses. I wrote out an email (didnt send). After reading it the first thing that popped in my head was how this could be turned around on me, and how she easily play the victim like the above poster said.

 

The problem is, being the adult in things like this seems to never work. She is a good girl but seems to throw fits when she doesnt get her way and im finally at a point now where NC is really affecting her. Like i said in my other post, she blocked me on facebook and we arent even friends on there...i mean she is really putting me out of her sight, its almost kind of funny.

 

I do have things i regret that i did, but balancing that and it being flipped around back to me is not an easy task..

[suddendumpee]

Well if you have been following some of my posts you can see what just happened with my ex. Been NC for 2 months, ex comes out of woodwork and is telling people im basically satans spawn because she is pissed i wont talk to her (i guess).

 

Anyway, during our relationship she liked me because of "me", im very straight forward, blunt and gosh i hate to say this but to her very "manly" (just sounds corny to me). I have always been like this but i knew she liked it and her exes were not AT ALL like that. Her exes would always basically hang off her coat tails because she is a very attractive, in shape girl. She never put off the vibe of needing it (i think she does) but has always basically been with pushovers.

 

So while i didnt change who i was, i would act sometimes almost "too much" like the manly, non budging type A whatever you want to call it. The point is as an adult i can admit i would push her buttons, almost proving over and over that im not that pushover that i know she didnt want so bad. Problem is when i look back, being realistic, some of it was mean, i never did anything over the top or physical NOTHING like that but it was too much sometimes. In all reality, i think a lot of what i did lead to the ending of the relationship.

 

BUT like i said, i was like that because thats what she wanted and also because deep down i had trust issues with her since her last marriage had a rumor of cheating. Days after me she moved onto someone else so could have cheated on me also, point is, she is no angel but now that im moving on, feeling better and really trying to put this behind me, some of me has wanted to break NC and tell her that yes we are not going to work out but as a man and an adult i want you to know that nothing was done intentionally to be harsh or mean to you.

 

One thing she has said over and over since we ended is "how mean" i was to her, obviously this is exageratted a tad but i hate to think that she (or anyone) would think that of me. Its just hard because in the midst of me saying this, she has another guy, rumors of infidelity, and talking behind my back - all after saying "i was everything she has ever wanted and will NEVER leave".

 

Where do you draw the line between forgiveness and letting them know you are sorry for what happened, and ignoring with NC?

 

It sounds like you want to send an e-mail a lot like the one my ex sent me where you and many other told me to stay NC because it was for the selfish reason of trying to absolve guilt. Be prepared for no response. It may make you feel like **** (as I hope it did to my ex). If you are expecting a positive response, you may want to rethink sending the message. You may inadvertently reaffirm to her the reasons she left you, when she may be feeling guilty/remorseful herself?

 

"i hate to think that she (or anyone) would think that of me."

 

This says it all. It seems this may be more about saving her perception of you because of what she may be thinking of you. Instead of coming from a place of true remorse.

Edited January 20, 2011 by suddendumpee

[Biker2007]

Movingthrough,

 

I also started my own self analysis by writing out an email that I would potentially send to my X.

 

My first version had a little bit of a feel that I was placing blame on her for a few of her actions. Then I rewrote the email that I planned to send her that was strictly me taking responsibility for my mistakes.

 

I did not feel like I had covered the break up well enough, so I added more of my complaints about the X to the original version (strictly for my own use and NEVER to be sent to her). I quickly noticed key moments in my relationship where the X would get angry or frustrate me and I responded in a manner that escalated the issue vs. disarming it...this really made me angry at myself.

 

It takes 2 people to make the relationship work, and I ensured that would not happen by some of my reactions. So after thinking about the situation for a few months and getting down on myself for blowing a good relationship, I decided a call was much better than sending the email to clear the air.

 

My .02...texts are useless unless you are 12 yrs old, emails are a weak option, and calling feels like the right way to actually "communicate" with someone. I would prefer a face to face, but that was not in the cards this time. Again, from my recent experience, the X seemed to appreciate the effort.

 

Now that I have done this, NC is very easy to do. I don't have any unresolved issues that are eating me up inside, and I know that I have to simply move on.

[bl22]

Id advise you not to send it. EVERYONE has a few regrets when people breakup, thats natural, nothings perfect. Unless you were physically or emotionally abusive to her (which i doubt) then dont apologise.

Chances are you are overanalysing the relationship and where it went wrong etc.

 

Ive been doing the same, and im a naturally fun, jokey person. Sometimes looking back maybe I took a joke too far (nothing nasty, just innocent stuff) and i think damn i shouldnt have done that, but we get too comfortable in relationships and thats just how it goes. Dont feel regret, just look forward in how you'll be next time around. If you do contact her , youll appear weak to her, your manliness will dissolve and she may even possibly make you feel 10 x worse.

[Trovador]

Look it the other way around... my former ex sent me an email stating basically how sorry she was for her (mean) behavior during the rl...

 

I didn't care...

[Movingthrough]

Its kindof a bittersweet thing. I know that I'm not feeling like this because she is "mad" at me, I'm feeling this because I'm letting go and slowly moving on. It becomes easier to open your mind when you let go of things.

 

I know that there are too many negatives when it comes to contacting her and I don't want things to pop up again. But the more I have looked at this, the more I do see how my actions have caused a lot of problems in the relationship so I almost feel like its my duty to put it out there.

 

Its the weirdest thing because her true colors have come out and even if I was all to blame for this, I really dodged a bullet by us not working out, so its all for the best I'm just not good with the whole "well I messed up, wont do it again".

 

Its like they say though, the minute I do that its gonna be "yeah you better be sorry" and back to square one..

[Karma20]

Contacting her out of guilt to ease your mind is cruel. My ex has reached out twice and basically it was to ease his mind so he didn't feel guilty. It hurts and now I have to start all over again with healing, it's a selfish and dirty move. Saying your sorry isn't going to help, staying away from her and letting her go through the healing process without interruptions from you is the best way to say sorry.

[Graceful]

MT:

 

Dope slap of reality for you.

 

Anything you say can and will be used against you. Your words will be used as ammo for your ex.

 

Ok. I know you are not going to contact her, but if you get weak, always remember that your words will be run through her processor, and they will not come out the way you intended them. You words are her ammunition. So don't even consider contacting her.

 

There comes a point where "what's done is done." You did not commit any crimes. You did not do bodily harm. You made the same types of r/l mistakes we all make. So it's your job to settle that within yourself, and if you ever find that you are pushing buttons, or doing ANY of the things you did to your ex that you regret, you know you need to stop.

 

To get help with that, if you are still seeing your therapist, have some sessions about this. You need to vent and get this out of your system.

 

My r/l ended a couple of years ago and it did such a number on me I *still* get tempted to write and tell him how much he hurt me. But do I do that? No, of course not. You get to the point where you know it is YOUR issue to settle inside of yourself. Telling the other person is not going to fix anything. It only makes it worse.

 

It's easy for me to say, but I honestly don't think she is worth the time or trouble. She's pretty transparent, IMHO. Her reaction was right out of a text book. Further communication? Not gonna happen.

 

Its like they say though, the minute I do that its gonna be "yeah you better be sorry" and back to square one.

That's it in a nutshell. You give the ammo, you get it back in your face. Not gonna happen.

[Movingthrough]

MT:

 

Dope slap of reality for you.

 

Anything you say can and will be used against you. Your words will be used as ammo for your ex.

 

Ok. I know you are not going to contact her, but if you get weak, always remember that your words will be run through her processor, and they will not come out the way you intended them. You words are her ammunition. So don't even consider contacting her.

 

There comes a point where "what's done is done." You did not commit any crimes. You did not do bodily harm. You made the same types of r/l mistakes we all make. So it's your job to settle that within yourself, and if you ever find that you are pushing buttons, or doing ANY of the things you did to your ex that you regret, you know you need to stop.

 

To get help with that, if you are still seeing your therapist, have some sessions about this. You need to vent and get this out of your system.

 

My r/l ended a couple of years ago and it did such a number on me I *still* get tempted to write and tell him how much he hurt me. But do I do that? No, of course not. You get to the point where you know it is YOUR issue to settle inside of yourself. Telling the other person is not going to fix anything. It only makes it worse.

 

It's easy for me to say, but I honestly don't think she is worth the time or trouble. She's pretty transparent, IMHO. Her reaction was right out of a text book. Further communication? Not gonna happen.

 

That's it in a nutshell. You give the ammo, you get it back in your face. Not gonna happen.

 

Thanks again guys, and greaceful for always helping me out.

 

Its def. been an up and down thing, i feel like the more i find my problems and start to fix them, the more "open" i feel and i just want to put things to bed. Im not one of those NC'ers that wants to talk to my ex, in all honesty i cant forgive her for ending it so quick and moving on so fast even if i was to blame for some of the breakup (def. not all it takes two to tango). Something as simple as her saying to me one time that we took it too fast, yet she has done about every relationship thing you can do with someone in 4 months of being with her new guy. She actually told me the comment about moving too fast and then went on a two week trip with him...ahhh seriously?

 

I know for a fact she is running from something, and just like graceful said in my other thread, she uses people to feel better about herself. She actually told me in an email once that she needs someone around her who is happy and laid back because she is not always like that. I remember thinking so basically you need someone around to kiss your ass and if you find someone else you will take it.

 

I dont think there is anyway it could turn out good but i would be lying if i said it didnt bother me, i do feel bad about a lot of things and would like to bring them to light. I think its very rare that you get a response you want in a situation like that though and it could easily make me out to be the bad guy.