evomataz Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Hi there! I've decided to join this forum because I thought it would be a healthy way to cope with my LDR, and be able to talk to others who are in my shoes. I've been in a LDR with my guy since the beginning of last summer, and everything has been really well. We talk on the phone, text through the day and Skype any chance we have. We both weren't looking for a relationship when we met... but, we decided to be exclusive for eachother. We visit eachother every month or so, and even spent Thanksgiving together. I am moving to a big city in 3 weeks to take on finishing school in another state, and he also just moved to persue his music in another state as well. We're still close enough to visit on a regular basis. This is why we decided to be "exclusive" for eachother. We both have a busy year ahead of us, want to be there for eachother and plan on starting a life together once we're both done. He's my best friend. Well... as of the last few weeks, with him preparing to move, the actual move, etc., he hasn't been communicating barely at all with me. I feel like I'm pulling teeth to get him to have a normal talk on the phone. He hardly texts either. I asked him if everything was alright... he says he's been stressed out with moving, and I have tried extremely hard to be patient and show support. The last few days I've literally heard NOTHING from him. He texted me once to tell me he was working... but, nothing else. So, here's what I thought about doing to see if he starts to come back around: Stop calling and texting him. I thought if maybe I "lay low" for awhile... he'll wonder what I'm doing. Being a guy, he doesn't even understand how lonely it is, especially when he doesn't keep up the normal communication. I don't want to cry or yell at him, so I thought if maybe I show him that I'm busy and have my own life, too, it may start to affect him how it's affecting me. I don't think I'm playing games by any means... I just want to give him his space (not that we don't have 23 hours of driving space!) and see if it hits him and it will get him to realize how alone I've felt. If he continues the same behavior, I'll re-evaluate the situation and tell him we're not on the same page anymore and hope eventually it will work out for us. Have any of you had this happen to you? How did you cope with it? How did you get your guy to continue the chase for your heart? Thanks! Can't wait to hear from some of you!
madjac74 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Hi there! I've decided to join this forum because I thought it would be a healthy way to cope with my LDR, and be able to talk to others who are in my shoes. Yep you are in the right place I thought if maybe I "lay low" for awhile... he'll wonder what I'm doing. Being a guy, he doesn't even understand how lonely it is, especially when he doesn't keep up the normal communication. I don't want to cry or yell at him, so I thought if maybe I show him that I'm busy and have my own life, too, it may start to affect him how it's affecting me. Speaking as a guy in an LDR, we do get lonely too and we understand the importance of maintaining communication in an LDR. I can see how not hearing anything for days has got you upset. My GF and I text so much that we literally can visualize each others days and we have some pretty fun conversations while going about our lives...apart. A few hour with no contact and i realize she is busy working, fell asleep, took her daughter to a movie etc... but a few days would only be if we have a break up or a major meltdown and its even rare not to talk then. In your situation I honestly think you need to go no contact and see if he really misses you and makes an effort to see whats going on. Try that for a few days and then maybe send him an email telling him how he has made you feel. I could never be too busy to at least send her an "I love you" or a "sorry Ive been busy but I miss you"...I have some better ones but I cant say I'm definitely no expert but no one is in these matters...I hope it helps though!
folieadeux Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Welcome aboard! My SO is also a musician, so I'm dealing with his touring schedule in addition to the LDR. It's enough to drive me insane sometimes, but all very much worth it of course. From everything you've stated, it seems like there are no other problems in your relationship minus this stint of limited contact on his end. So to me, it really seems as if the stress he's going through right now would be the likely culprit. I definitely would recommend the "laying low" approach you suggested and see where things go from there. Everyone needs something very different in their relationships to meet their unique needs, so it's always important to keep that in mind. Just because he may show his emotions differently doesn't mean he's lost interest or is no longer committed in the same way you are. This is something I've personally struggled with in my own relationship. The two things that have helped me the most are keeping busy and planning our next visit. Just be sure to stay positive and don't let the negative emotions we're all prone to ruin a good thing. It sounds like you'll be able to visit each other quite often, so that's always a good thing to sustain your relationship too. My boyfriend and I also see each other about every month or every other month. Of course I wish it were more, but I know we have it alot better off than most.
Author evomataz Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) Thank you both so much for your words of encouragement. Ever since the night before last night, when he texted and said he was busy and in the studio… I stayed low. Actually, I didn’t saw a word to him from that point out. It sucked so bad, but the outcome was well worth it! I, too, am involved in performing arts, so I went in to the studio and worked with a friend all day/night yesterday. (I had updated my social network accounts often so if he looked at them, he could see I was off doing my own thing and fine.) After I left around 2 AM this morning, I still hadn’t heard from him. He is 2 hours behind me, so I decided to try to call because today happens to be his birthday! He answered and his first words were, “I was getting worried I’d never hear from you!” It felt wonderful. He explained he saw my status updates and whatnot, but was hoping I’d call eventually. He didn’t want to bother me while I was in the zone. I mentioned to him how I had also been missing him just as much… And I threw in the “when you call, it really makes my day way better” card. I hope he understands where I’m coming from… I know women and men work completely differently, but at the end of the day he still missed me. All of you guys with your LDR stories and experiences really inspire me to keep positive and strong. Granted, this isn’t my first, so I knew what I was getting into. But, this has been completely different than the others. He’s been great, and I know we’ll have our ups and downs… but, I think I’ll make it through. And next time we go through this again, I’ll stick to the same routine and try to be strong. It is so hard, but so worth it with the one you love. Edited January 20, 2011 by evomataz html wrong
folieadeux Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Glad everything worked out and I hope your SO has a great birthday today
HeavenOrHell Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Wise words I need to refer back to this when I'm struggling >Everyone needs something very different in their relationships to meet their unique needs, so it's always important to keep that in mind. Just because he may show his emotions differently doesn't mean he's lost interest or is no longer committed in the same way you are.< Welcome aboard! My SO is also a musician, so I'm dealing with his touring schedule in addition to the LDR. It's enough to drive me insane sometimes, but all very much worth it of course. From everything you've stated, it seems like there are no other problems in your relationship minus this stint of limited contact on his end. So to me, it really seems as if the stress he's going through right now would be the likely culprit. I definitely would recommend the "laying low" approach you suggested and see where things go from there. Everyone needs something very different in their relationships to meet their unique needs, so it's always important to keep that in mind. Just because he may show his emotions differently doesn't mean he's lost interest or is no longer committed in the same way you are. This is something I've personally struggled with in my own relationship. The two things that have helped me the most are keeping busy and planning our next visit. Just be sure to stay positive and don't let the negative emotions we're all prone to ruin a good thing. It sounds like you'll be able to visit each other quite often, so that's always a good thing to sustain your relationship too. My boyfriend and I also see each other about every month or every other month. Of course I wish it were more, but I know we have it alot better off than most.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 research on "martian rubberband" and you will know how a guy's mind operates when they pull back a bit. in my case though, we both do it lol.
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