TRaczaj Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) I know I had this coming... and I know some people here who have followed my story are going to have a good time ripping into me... But for those who haven't followed it, I'll give the quick background. My best friend and his girlfriend were together five years. He had a nervous breakdown and he left her. I've known her ten years... and I've been in love with her for a long time. I was always attracted to her, but in the time we all three lived in the same house, I really fell hard for her. And there was some physical stuff between us then too. But not behind my friend's back. He knew about it... So, he came home from the hospital after his breakdown and he left her. He didn't even really give reason, just packed up and left while she was at work. So, her and I were here alone... and over time, we got closer. Now we are dating. Today I got a call from him. I haven't talked to him in a while... But today he called me and he asked me if what he heard was true. I admitted to it all. I told him everything. I can't really say how he took it... being on the phone it's not like I could see his face. He was silent for a lot of the conversation. I know I deserve everything I'm feeling right now... But the title of this thread is right. I didn't think I could feel this bad. I'm not really sure what to do... I never imagined myself in this situation. I won't sit here and try to justify it. I won't make excuses for anything. I just feel awful and wanted to tell someone. Edited January 19, 2011 by TRaczaj
Author TRaczaj Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 She came home from work a little bit ago and told me he really laid into her on the phone... She was at the hosptial every day. Whenever she had free time... her whole life revolved around him when he was sick. Then he came home and dumped her without even having the deceny to really dump her. He just packed up a bunch of his stuff and left. Now he's siddenly so pissed off... I admit that we are not siants. But he is acting like she cheated on him. He left her...
Jazzari Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 How long after he left did you two get together? What do you mean he didn't really dump her? Did he believe they would get back together after he fully recovered? Sounds very complicated. Hard to have an opinion.
mortensorchid Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 This is the first I am reading of this situation just now. You should not feel bad about things. He left (whatever his reasons were), she was free for you to move in if you wanted. He made his choice, and confronting you about it was very immature of him to do so. What you do with your time is your business, you certainly don't sound like you are flaunting the situation. And yes, this IS a complicated situation, but you don't have to make it so.
Author TRaczaj Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 How long after he left did you two get together? What do you mean he didn't really dump her? Did he believe they would get back together after he fully recovered? Sounds very complicated. Hard to have an opinion. Yea... it is complicated. I have a whole bunch of threads here that go into more detail... When I said he didn't really dump her I meant he didn't physically say he was breaking up with her. He packed up and left, and then stopped having any communication with her. I know the way I said it was confusing... But he never sat down with her and said "I'm breaking up with you." He just left, and refused to talk to her. How long... it was close to two months. I don't know exactly how long. Things are going slow with us though. We both agreed to take things slow... which is strange since we already live together.
Stung Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I seem to recall you saying he told YOU he was going to break up with her? And he was perfectly aware that you have had a thing for her for a long time? And you tried to visit him several times after he left and before you got together with her, but he refused to see you and wouldn't return anyone's phone calls...do I have all that right? Morally, IMO, you are not in the wrong here. It is a complicated situation, obviously. Lots of shades of gray. I struggled with bouts of clinical depression several years ago, and can tell you that self-absorption is one hallmark of the disease. It can be hard to see big picture reality past your own pain, and remember that other people's emotions matter as much as your own. However, you can't be held hostage forever to this man's disease, particularly after he shut you out. He's an adult, and he made choices. When/if he recovers enough to see through a rational lens again, he will look back on this and see that he is the one who set all this into motion, and the outcome he is so angry about now was practically inevitable. Perhaps he will even have enough distance to accept that while he hurt the woman he supposedly cared about, you were good for her, and the two of you were helping each other heal.
AverageJoe Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 His loss. Maybe one day he will come around, until then consider the friendship nulled. The first stage is obvious. He is pissed. The second stage will be reflection. The third might be forgiveness. Then again, the first stage might be lasers. Pew pew pew!!! I get the two confused. Good luck.
Author TRaczaj Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 I seem to recall you saying he told YOU he was going to break up with her? And he was perfectly aware that you have had a thing for her for a long time? And you tried to visit him several times after he left and before you got together with her, but he refused to see you and wouldn't return anyone's phone calls...do I have all that right? Morally, IMO, you are not in the wrong here. It is a complicated situation, obviously. Lots of shades of gray. I struggled with bouts of clinical depression several years ago, and can tell you that self-absorption is one hallmark of the disease. It can be hard to see big picture reality past your own pain, and remember that other people's emotions matter as much as your own. However, you can't be held hostage forever to this man's disease, particularly after he shut you out. He's an adult, and he made choices. When/if he recovers enough to see through a rational lens again, he will look back on this and see that he is the one who set all this into motion, and the outcome he is so angry about now was practically inevitable. Perhaps he will even have enough distance to accept that while he hurt the woman he supposedly cared about, you were good for her, and the two of you were helping each other heal. He didn't tell me he was going to break up with her... but I heard him say it on the phone. You're right... we can't live our lives as hostages to his illness. She deserves better...
green_tea Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I too haven't read about story previously, but I disagree that it was ok for you to get together with his ex. I mean he was your best friend. I don't blame him for the way he acted i.e. not dumping her properly etc - obviously the relationship was going to end anyway. He must have felt terrible knowing that his gf liked you. It's hard enough when it's a stranger, but when it's a friend it's got to feel even worse. Can you blame him for feeling bitter?
Author TRaczaj Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 I too haven't read about story previously, but I disagree that it was ok for you to get together with his ex. I mean he was your best friend. I don't blame him for the way he acted i.e. not dumping her properly etc - obviously the relationship was going to end anyway. He must have felt terrible knowing that his gf liked you. It's hard enough when it's a stranger, but when it's a friend it's got to feel even worse. Can you blame him for feeling bitter? When did I say she liked me while they were together? I never said that. It was me who had feelings for her while they were together.
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