sedgwick Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 So, my book is out, and getting reviews beyond what I dared to hope for. The response to readings has been overwhelming. The official publication party is Feb 1, and one of Joe's best friends is coming. His former roommate (from when he lived in NYC, before he moved to the hills of a certain Southern mountain range to live and record old-time music in a barn) just sent me a really nice congratulatory email. Last night I picked up a copy of my favorite magazine and opened to a review of my book. They called it "beautifully written" and "a lifeline." And I started crying, right there in Barnes and Noble...partly because I feel like I've finally done something to justify my existence, but mostly because I can't share it with Joe. His friends are congratulating me, and he can see this on facebook, and he continues to ignore me completely. In his mind, I am obviously still worthless. It hurts so much it feels like it's going to kill me sometimes. For four years, every time something good has happened with this book, I've cried because it's still not good enough for him to even give me the time of day. It would mean the world to me if he would take enough time away from playing music to write me a one-line email and just say "I acknowledge that you wrote a book." He wouldn't have to congratulate me or show any sort of admiration or respect. If I could just know that he even remembers I exist, I'd be ecstatic. Why can't I shake this? Why, after years of therapy and antidepressants and an onslaught of good reviews, am I so profoundly not over it? What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!
selena_cat Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Hey and Congrats to you! Your a published author my goodness what an accomplishment! really. I wish I had that talent,however mines is music. You are just like I,your'e expecting some callous person to acknowledge and validate your awesome accomplishment. He won't, in fact he may be very jealous of it. really,here you are accomplishing things he can never dream of,and not a peep from him spells jealousy. Has he contacted you ever? Just to say hi? You should PM me the title of your book,i need some good reading out here in the Islands
cerridwen Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 He won't, in fact he may be very jealous of it. really,here you are accomplishing things he can never dream of,and not a peep from him spells jealousy. ^^^This. I smell jealousy as well.
Author sedgwick Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Unfortunately, he's a very successful musician, so it's definitely not jealousy. I never heard him express a moment of self-doubt or envy toward anyone! He's talented and knows it.
Cee Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 A wise person said once, "I have a man living in my head." You aren't grieving a relationship anymore. You have now created a fantasy obstacle that is impeding your own happiness. Instead of being over the moon about a ginormous accomplishment, you are sacrificing yourself at the altar of a man who is no more. You have chosen to create an impossible situation for yourself for attaching yourself to a toxic idea. The toxic idea is that this man and your past relationship should mean one iota to you in the present. A simple thing to get him out of your head is to banish his name. Never say it again. Call him "an ex" or "that guy." Don't post his name on LS anymore. Start to extricate "him" from your psyche. Stop thinking about him or fantasizing about him. Resist talking about him to anyone, even your therapist. When you want to talk about him, talk about you instead. And then when you do this, you feel the emptiness that not thinking about him creates. That emptiness will feel like a yawning void and will be terrifying. It might be upsetting and you'll want to rush back to obsession. But it is from the empty space where the roots of your new, independent self will grow. Cultivate your emptiness from "him" as much as you can. Wondrous things will rush in if you let them. Trust me on this.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Oh Sedgwick I finally understand you, because I am you!!! We are in love with men who are incapable of loving anyone but themselves. They are incapable of seeing good in anyone but themselves. They tear us down and make us feel small, little, stupid, without talent and merit. Well none of the above are true. We are both bright and beautiful women and while many other people tell us we still crave to hear ANY positive words from the one man who would sooner spit on us than give us any measure of satisfaction. Yes I am beginning to understand you. And yes I like you have decided that I need to move on with my life, but will only do so alone. I have been asked out by a ridiculous number of men - I have turned them all down. UGH phone rang, I'll be back.
eric82 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 A wise person said once, "I have a man living in my head." You aren't grieving a relationship anymore. You have now created a fantasy obstacle that is impeding your own happiness. Instead of being over the moon about a ginormous accomplishment, you are sacrificing yourself at the altar of a man who is no more. You have chosen to create an impossible situation for yourself for attaching yourself to a toxic idea. The toxic idea is that this man and your past relationship should mean one iota to you in the present. Cee is right. Sedgwick, you haven't seen or spoken to Joe in years. He's not giving you any of these thoughts and emotions that you have been drowning in the past few years. It's all coming from you -- your own mind. Think about it. How did you feel about yourself before he was in your life? How did you feel about yourself when he was in your life? How do you feel about yourself now that he's long gone?
YellowShark Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Published author? That's FANTASTIC sedgwick! Well done! Now back to the douche named Joe living in your head. Here's my advice. You don't need his validation. You really don't. So every time you think of him STOP. And repeat: "I am taking a vacation from Joe in my head." "I am taking a vacation from Joe in my head." "I am taking a vacation from Joe in my head." ok?
health Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Wow! Congrats! For more than being published - but for getting press and GOOD press in major publications! I too have released 2 "Creative" projects since my breakup that had great reviews - andsometimes feel empty - my thing is just create a new one to look forward too - keep creating!
0hpenelope Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Why can't I shake this? Why, after years of therapy and antidepressants and an onslaught of good reviews, am I so profoundly not over it? What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?! Sedge...
BambooSticks Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I remember once, I used to be a massive Michael Jackson fan, and I got the opportunity to stand a few metres from him. Any other time, I would've been like "this is amazing", yet there I stood in misery for having broken up with my ex. Now that I look back, I think to myself, "I wasted that special moment over a jackass who wasn't worth my time because I wasn't worth his". And to add to that, I was there with a boy who has a sweet crush on me, and when he asked me to coffee, I said "no, I'm just going home, too depressed". Sometimes doors closed, and we're so busy looking at that closed door, we fail to see the magnitude and brightness from doors that open for us to lead us to our brighter future. Congratulations on your book, I wish to do the same, also. I'm sorry that the person you speak of hasn't acknowledged your success. It's not a nice feeling. I wish you better, and also the best. Take care.
mickleb Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 A wise person said once, "I have a man living in my head." You aren't grieving a relationship anymore. You have now created a fantasy obstacle that is impeding your own happiness. Instead of being over the moon about a ginormous accomplishment, you are sacrificing yourself at the altar of a man who is no more. You have chosen to create an impossible situation for yourself for attaching yourself to a toxic idea. The toxic idea is that this man and your past relationship should mean one iota to you in the present. A simple thing to get him out of your head is to banish his name. Never say it again. Call him "an ex" or "that guy." Don't post his name on LS anymore. Start to extricate "him" from your psyche. Stop thinking about him or fantasizing about him. Resist talking about him to anyone, even your therapist. When you want to talk about him, talk about you instead. And then when you do this, you feel the emptiness that not thinking about him creates. That emptiness will feel like a yawning void and will be terrifying. It might be upsetting and you'll want to rush back to obsession. But it is from the empty space where the roots of your new, independent self will grow. Cultivate your emptiness from "him" as much as you can. Wondrous things will rush in if you let them. Trust me on this. This is spot on. I also like Bamboo's idea of closed doors. You ARE staring at a closed door. Try to remember this. x
sb129 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Oh Sedge! He is incapable of seeing anyone elses successes except his own. We already know he is ridiculously self absorbed. This has nothing to do with you being unworthy. Quite the contrary. I bet he is jealous too.
0hpenelope Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 I'm also at four years. No dating and no contact in that time, except for one phone call (from him) where I told him it was reconciliation or nothing. I'm still in a lot of pain over it and think about him constantly. I've never had this kind of trouble getting over someone. It really sucks; I feel your pain. Sedge, didn't want to threadjack the thread where this came from, but he actually called you? One phone call in 4 years? Unbelievable. You're so strong for maintaining your stance. Reconciliation or nothing. Oh geez. I will emulate this strength, Sedge. I won't settle for less.
raincheck Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 hi. i think you are making too much of the fact that he hasn't acknowledged your book. i dont think he "obviously thinks you are worthless"-- it's more than likely he just doesn't think about you at all. after all.. its been four years. or, he could know that even attempting to contact you, would be a mistake. maybe he realizes that you would make too much of even the slightest attempt at contact, that it would make you think he wants reconciliation, or still feels something for you. i have certainly avoided contact with certain exes for that reason: not because i have anything against them or don't care about how they are doing.. but because i don't want them to misconstrue any communication and think that i am still interested. it's like, doing you a favor. especially because you DO still feel hung up on him. also, why's he still on your facebook? i say delete and block clearly, you are not getting anything out of still keeping him on there! and it might be a good step forward for you. once he has no insight into your world and you know he isn't silently "watching".. it will force you to realize that everything you do, is for yourself.. not for his approval and not for him. it will make a difference in your mindset, and it will probably help shift your perspective. it sounds like you are desperate to change the way you are feeling, and that you feel kind of "hopeless" about things.. so it could be a positive way to take control of the situation and really move on. p.s. congrats on all the good things happening to you these days!
PurpleReign Posted February 9, 2011 Posted February 9, 2011 Maybe, just maybe, he can't stand you being "at his level". Some selfish, immature men have a NEED to be "better" than their SO. They don't have it in themselves to even say "congrats", and it kills them that you're getting some attention. Better off without him if that's the case. He'll never support you in what you want, never pat you on the back or tell you you've done a good job. Basically, IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM. Period.
Author sedgwick Posted February 9, 2011 Author Posted February 9, 2011 (edited) Sedge, didn't want to threadjack the thread where this came from, but he actually called you? One phone call in 4 years? Unbelievable. You're so strong for maintaining your stance. Reconciliation or nothing. Oh geez. I will emulate this strength, Sedge. I won't settle for less. It's really all I could do. He called me a year after he dumped me acting like everything was fine, and said, "I'm just getting in touch with some people I haven't talked to in a while, and you were first on the list!" I hoped, of course, that he was calling to say he'd made a mistake, but no such luck. I ended the conversation with, "I love you, unconditionally," and then I hung up. That was the last I ever heard from him. also, why's he still on your facebook? i say delete and block He's not. I deleted him the day he left. It's just that I can see him through mutual friends. We actually comment on the same people's statuses, but say nothing to each other. Edited February 9, 2011 by sedgwick
mickleb Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 "I love you, unconditionally" What does this mean, again? The whole concept makes no sense to me, whatsoever. He's not. I deleted him the day he left. It's just that I can see him through mutual friends. We actually comment on the same people's statuses, but say nothing to each other That's not blocking, though, is it? x
Author sedgwick Posted February 10, 2011 Author Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) Unconditional love means you love someone no matter what. No matter how they feel about you, no matter how much they ignore you, no matter what they look like, no matter. You love them for being who they are. Which is, of course, how I feel about him. If I didn't love him this much, I wouldn't give him what he essentially told me he wanted when he left me: my total absence from his life. I'd be bugging him trying to get him to talk to me. But instead I just see him from afar, and am happy that a talent and a mind like his is out in the world, even though I'm not allowed to share it. And I had him blocked for years, but finally unblocked him so I could see if he had another girlfriend. It would appear, from what I can see, that he does not. However, that's only what I can see. Edited February 10, 2011 by sedgwick
mickleb Posted February 10, 2011 Posted February 10, 2011 Unconditional love means you love someone no matter what. No matter how they feel about you, no matter how much they ignore you, no matter what they look like, no matter. You love them for being who they are. Which is, of course, how I feel about him. If I didn't love him this much, I wouldn't give him what he essentially told me he wanted when he left me: my total absence from his life. I'd be bugging him trying to get him to talk to me. But instead I just see him from afar, and am happy that a talent and a mind like his is out in the world, even though I'm not allowed to share it. And I had him blocked for years, but finally unblocked him so I could see if he had another girlfriend. It would appear, from what I can see, that he does not. However, that's only what I can see. Well, I do appreciate you trying to explain it to me, my dear, but it still makes no sense to me, I'm afraid. Neither does the last bit. Unconditional ouch, I reckon. x
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