KraftDinner Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I need to end my relationship of over 8 years. I found out something he's been doing behind my back for the past 3-4 years that is NOT OKAY with me (and he knew it). He wasn't cheating (that I know of, anyway... after today I feel anything is possible). It's drug-related and I don't want to get into what it is... right now I just can't deal with that. I want him out. Of the apartment (which is mine) and of my life. I'm absolutely devastated. I'm posting this in Coping because I don't know how I'll cope with this. HELP. HELP HELP HELP I'm feeling desperate.
Cee Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Try to take things "one day at a time." The lie is finally over and now you have a chance to reclaim your life. I suggest you get help immediately for yourself. You can't change the addict, but you can change yourself. I suggest that you start going to Al Anon, Nar Anon, or CODA meetings. I have seen these programs change lives. Also, therapy helps if you can afford it. Group therapy is good too and less expensive than individual therapy. Gather an army of support around you. You are going through a trauma and need as much love and support as you can. Call your trusted friends and family members. I would suggest you don't ask help from people who are emotionally unavailable. As they say you can't get water from an dry well. And if you don't have friends, you will have friends soon. Now that you have removed the toxic person, healthy people will come into your life. There are things you can do with yourself to build your inner resources. I suggest journaling, meditation, taking a class, taking up exercise, improving your nutrition, etc. I've been through what you've been this except I was both the addict and the codependent. For me, change was so painful and miserable sometimes, but in the end I saw miracles in my life. I am no longer attached to men who are addicts and I am in recovering for my own addictions. And I have more friendships and love in my life than I knew possible. I have never been so happy in my entire life. Keep posting.
Author KraftDinner Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Cee, your reply means so much more to me than you'll ever know. I looked up nar-anon and they don't have any meetings in my area until Friday I think. To be honest I want to go to one RIGHT NOW but I know that's not realistic. I am so devastated. I honestly had NO IDEA he was doing this. NONE at all. ZERO. I feel so incredibly betrayed. I feel like my entire life with him has been a lie. I hope I get more replies... this may sound odd but I feel like I need to "talk" to people online, and ASAP.
Graceful Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Kraft, You need support, any type, any kind. Agreed. See if the Nar-Anon website has a hotline you can call to at least talk to someone over the phone. You could also attend Al-Anon in the meantime, it is better than nothing, and the principles and process are pretty much the same. You will be in a room where you are not alone and feel supported. If you have a job with EAP, see if you can talk to a therapist. If you really did not know, then you may not really be co-dependent, but it would probably be a good idea to look into this at the same time. The most critical thing for you is to get support. When you are detaching from an addict, it is one of the most difficult things to do b/c you will worry about him and you will feel responsible for him. There is nothing you can do for him. You are doing the right thing. Drawing that line is very courageous of you. Tells me you are strong, even though you are falling apart right now. Make those calls. Get to a meeting. LS is great, but you might be able to find a more specific website where people post with your exact issue, living with an addict or addictive behavior, etc., where you can get lots of online support. My heart aches for you. Once you start getting some help, you will feel better, so start right away. You come first. Take care. Cee, your reply means so much more to me than you'll ever know. I looked up nar-anon and they don't have any meetings in my area until Friday I think. To be honest I want to go to one RIGHT NOW but I know that's not realistic. I am so devastated. I honestly had NO IDEA he was doing this. NONE at all. ZERO. I feel so incredibly betrayed. I feel like my entire life with him has been a lie. I hope I get more replies... this may sound odd but I feel like I need to "talk" to people online, and ASAP.
Author KraftDinner Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 I did it. I told him he had to go. He left. I think he's staying at his friend's place (one of his decent friends... not his new crowd... I HOPE but it's no longer my concern). I tried to make it clear that he had the choice to reopen the door but it would take some BIG, SERIOUS changes and that I wasn't kidding. And also that if he chose not to do that it was okay with me. But I mean it. I am not accepting this behaviour. I have a bottom line and he crossed it. I don't even want to be in a relationship with the man he has become, that he hid well (but still was doing things that pushed my comfort level... and now it adds up a bit more). I'm still in shock. I feel tired. Relief. Shock. I have barely eaten or slept in the last 36 hours. But I'm reaching out to people. I told a friend -- this is HUGE for me, I'm usually so private. I'm talking things through with his family (we are in this together, which feels good). I am not kidding myself. Right now I'm still numb... soon the pain will come. I love him, still do, always will. But I can't be in a relationship with the man he's become. I just CAN'T.
Author KraftDinner Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 It's been several hours since he left. I miss him, but really... I miss the OLD him. Not the sullen, irritable guy he has become lately. I am so sad.
PowerOfOne Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Stay strong KD. You did the right thing. I know from experience that people with substance abuse issues cannot be cuddled to get over it. It takes something very serious for them to realise. Took the risk of a federal prosecution for a mate of mine to realise that he did not have control over it. You've done the right thing. Leaving him an option is vital. Otherwise they can just turn back to the abuse and write themselves off as a lost cause. At least you've given him something to work for, if he wants. He'll need to get out of the denial stage before that. It's the age old saying but he has to want to kick for no other reason then for himself. I'm going through this with a friend at the moment and it's not pretty. Not pretty at all. We all know it's going to be a long process with many setbacks. It must be so much harder for you having so much invested... I can only imagine. I'm truely sorry you're going through it. It's not going to be easy.
Confused728 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 hey check out my thread i was in the same boat as you.. let me know if there are similarities http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206477/
Cee Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Just an FYI. It is okay to go to Al Anon even though your ex did drugs, not alcohol. Al Anon has more meetings than Nar Anon so I say go to both. The more support, the better. Also, some meetings are better than others so try to go to as many as you can. You will find a meeting you like best and that is called your "home" group. Home groups root you in the recovery community. You might want to pick up some used books on Amazon for help. The daily meditation books are pretty cool for daily reflection. They seem to have a reflection book for every taste. One of the great things about leaving someone (haha, I bet you aren't thinking it's great) is you have the complete freedom to focus on yourself. As long as you slog through the awful feelings and devastation, it really does get better.
Author KraftDinner Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 My heart is breaking. I'm absolutely devastated.
SDA Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Sorry Kraft. Take time to yourself and don't sit around mulling over what just happened. You made a strong decision something you thought was best. Stay strong and don't be depressed.
Confused728 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 so kraft its nice you are letting us know how u are feeling but do u care to elaborate?? What was he doing specifically, How did you find out? Who are the new friends ect... some details would be beneficial for everyone to help you more and to help others who may be in the same situation
Author KraftDinner Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 Hey all. Thanks for all your words. I'll try and respond a little later when I have more energy. I haven't really eaten since Tuesday and I'm really worn out. I need to take care of myself right now.
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