sweetblubrry Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I am lost at what to do. I need some serious answers here. #1 thing that I don't want to hear is that he's gay. ITS NOT THE CASE TRUST ME I'VE INVESTIGATED THIS! He is very much straight..... I think it is a psychological issue. My boyfriend of seven months has told me that he has a sexual phobia. He does not like doing it, does not enjoy it. And sees it as gross, dirty, etc. We've done it before but apparently he kept all this from me. It came up because I pestered him about it why we don't do it much. It took him this long to tell me because he is that ashamed (I mean because a guy that doesn't like sex?). He said he has no urges and does not find it important in a relationship. It seems like he gets aroused and right at the point where we would start.... he gets panicky (inside) and that is where it ends. All of his experiences in the past were negative... his first time he felt he wasn't mentally ready for it but went thru with it out of fear of what people would say in HS if he didn't. He also had a lot of first-date sex (not with us). But it seems that all his experiences were negative or awkward. He has also been broken up with cause of this everytime (when they find out) and was so terrified to tell me. I love him so much. Everything in our relationship is wonderful, except for this. Granted i need it far less than most girls.... I would be happy with 1-2x a month. I don't understand... he physically is capable of doing it. He says he doesn't have urges but how come he gets aroused when we do things? I don't believe its something that just can't be done... but all the negative thoughts have gotten to the point where it takes over the physical enjoyment. I don't think he's ever had sex in a loving relationship.. it has always been just that... sex. And he would do it cause he knew girls liked it. My questions are...... - has anyone ever known anyone that has experienced this? - do you think this would be fixible with therapy? how? - What can I do??
Eeyore79 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I wouldn't say that he dislikes sex, more that he's scared of it. He's had negative experiences and has now developed a phobia; he gets aroused but then he panics and backs off. He associates sex with these negative feelings, so even though he thinks he doesn't like sex, what he really dislikes is the negative feelings that sex causes. Does he masturbate? If so, he clearly has sexual urges and just doesn't feel comfortable satisfying them through sex with a partner. He would probably benefit from some sort of therapy; maybe sex therapy as a couple would be helpful? A therapist would probably recommend that you spend time together, being intimate and touching without the pressure of having sex, and get him used to the idea of sexual intimacy as a positive thing.
Author sweetblubrry Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Wow thanks so much for those answers! Helps quite a bit. He definitely does prefer cuddling over sex... I've never met a guy that cuddles as much as him. He even said himself he prefers it. Love it, but I also want that physical intimacy too. As far as I know... he was not brought up in a strict religious household. He was raised Catholic but not to the point that I would think would cause something like this. He also to my knowledge does not masturbate... because he said he does not have urges. I think he can get in the mood... but even myself I do not just have urges all of sudden out of nowhere. I think that is what he means. Great idea with the touching! We do that already.... and usually he will guide me to that area so I know that he wants me to touch it. He has told me that its intercourse that he can't deal with... other things are more tolerable. I'm just trying to get a handle on what I am really dealing with here. I've never heard of this. I think we overcame a big hurdle in just talking about this. He was so afraid that I'd break up with him (as others have in the past). I love him and want to work with him on this. Therapy might not be an option right now (financial and timing-wise) but in the future. For me.. this problem doesn't have to be solved immediately but I do not want to get married and have a sex-less marriage. That is what really worries me.
baguette Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 If he's cool with it, therapy might help him figure out what's going on.
elastica Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 My questions are...... - has anyone ever known anyone that has experienced this? - do you think this would be fixible with therapy? how? - What can I do?? Did you ask him if he has strong physical pain while having sex and mainly when orgasming? A lot of people are affected by this, but are afraid to talk about it and seek medical help, for obvious reasons. What happens is that the person gets horny, and the body gets ready for sex. But then they remember that sex will cause them physical pain, and they back off. Unfortunately, a lot of people are afftected by this. I agree that your boyfriend's story is very unusual. There is definitely something going on, either physical, or emotional. You say he doesn't have an erection problem, so at least you know it is not biological. I would suggest that when you talk about this, try asking him if he feels any physical pain while having sex. Just to rule it out.
Gettingtired Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 My questions are...... 1 has anyone ever known anyone that has experienced this? 2 do you think this would be fixible with therapy? how? 3 What can I do?? My answers are [guys view/opinion] 1 - NO 2 - Quite possibly, some form of Psychologist perhaps. The first step would be for your boyfriend being in agreement to speak to a stranger about it, which maybe hard if he's taken a good while to tell you. 3 - Maybe you could take it really slow one night [or a few nights]. Show him how amazing love making/sex can be with someone you really care about. I'm at work so cant go into more detail for #3 but I'm sure you have a good imagination
Author sweetblubrry Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks again everyone for your input! Just had another thought. He also told me awhile ago that he is an ex-stripper. He did it solely for the money. There is more negative thoughts toward sex since he is used to being seen as an object. Hmm... elastica - as far as I know he does not have any physical pain. He just does not get any pleasurable sensations from it. Most likely because the negative thoughts have taken over his physical pleasure.
waynebrady Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 He seems like a gentleman too me. He realises it's you who don't like sex(because you are a woman) so he doesn't try to have it with you. If he really does dislike sex then I assume you live in opposite land, where everything is backwards and all things are the opposite of what it is here. In which case I suggest he changes birth control pills(i heard those can lower your sex drive).
waynebrady Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks again everyone for your input! Just had another thought. He also told me awhile ago that he is an ex-stripper. He did it solely for the money. There is more negative thoughts toward sex since he is used to being seen as an object. Hmm... elastica - as far as I know he does not have any physical pain. He just does not get any pleasurable sensations from it. Most likely because the negative thoughts have taken over his physical pleasure. Is your boyfriend a woman and are you a man? If so that would explain just about everything here.
Eeyore79 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 It is possible that he may be asexual; some people genuinely do not like sex. However, given that he wants you to touch him I would suggest that he's less likely to be asexual and more likely to have some sort of problem with sex. Maybe he feels like a sex object, or has been criticized for his performance? Maybe he's had hurtful experiences with intimacy? Maybe he has an STD that he's scared of passing on? Whatever the problem is, you need to find out so you can address it together. The first thing you need to establish is whether this is a physical or psychological problem. Does he have pain, or difficulty getting an erection? Or is the problem all in his head? If it's the former he needs to see a doctor; if it's the latter he needs to see a therapist. The first thing I suggest you do is talk to him about it. Make sure he knows that you want to understand his problem, and that nothing he says will scare you off. You have to be extremely gentle and reassuring. Just get him to talk about his feelings regarding sex; how he feels when you're about to have sex, what makes him panic and want to back off, and see if you can work out why he's having those feelings and where they've come from. He might be scared to tell you; just try to be calm and understanding. The next step is to get him comfortable with being naked and intimate together. To take the pressure off, state up-front that you will not be having intercourse. Do the touching and stuff that you normally do, and progress to cuddling with your clothes off, then to touching his penis against your vagina while wearing underwear, and then without underwear, and eventually to kissing his penis and giving oral sex, putting it inside you just for a second, then leaving it there for a little while and just cuddling without moving. This might take weeks or months, and you have to be calm and understanding with him. How you approach this depends greatly on what the problem is. I don't wish to pry, but how far is he willing to go with you? You said that you touch him, but do you do this until he orgasms? Does he touch you? What about oral sex? If you can find out what his actual problem is, you will probably be able to get better advice on dealing with it
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 My questions are...... - has anyone ever known anyone that has experienced this? - do you think this would be fixible with therapy? how? - What can I do?? 1. Yes 2. Not sure. It comes from childhood sexual abuse. 2 years of therapy so far. He is currently not dating. 3. Be supportive if you can handle this.
paddington bear Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Sounds to me like this is all psychological. I have former female stripper friends and they really got a messed up in terms of their attitudes towards men. If he's getting aroused when you are doing stuff, then he is not asexual. Either he is happy with the way he is and doesn't want to solve it and expects you to go along with it. Or, he is unhappy with his lack of desire for sex and does want to solve it. You need to find out which it is. You might love him dearly now, and you might feel sympathetic now, but my experience with other situations where you love someone and they have a problem which affects you has run along these lines: sympathy, intrigue, feeling special that they have shared their innermost secrets with me...to slowly, slowly, frustration...and then to annoyance wit6h the other person - why can't they just be normal? Why don't I get what I want out of this? Is he just going to leave his problems unsolved and expect me to carry on like it's not a problem? Find out if he willingly wants to solve this issue or not. If the answer is no, I fear that not right now, but in the future this might become a major issue for you. Best of luck.
Joe Normal Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Sometimes it's just a lack of attraction from one partner to the other, in which case there's no real 'cure' except to end it and move on to someone more suitable. But yes, it's quite likely to be a psychological issue. Ask him if he has this same problem with other girls.
Recommended Posts