irc333 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I have noticed this A LOT lately. Be wary of people who had just joined a site as a NEW member, too. Typically, I'm finding these people to have just gotten out of a relationship or had break up, but not entirely over it. I had spent probably a week or 2 talking with a woman online, then I finally asked her out. She does respond, but she said over the past couple of days, she's realized she hasn't gotten over her ex, and that it wouldn't be fair to the men she's been talking to online. She said her friends thought it'd be okay to "Meet as friends" regardless, but still....again, even meeting as friends would send a wrong message to the men who are on "dating" sites...well...to obviously date....so even going out "as friends" would be moot. She said she's going to focus her energies on her hobbies and extracurricular activities and perhaps in a few months she might be ready. She said I was pretty much the only genuine guy she was corresponding with, and if the circumstances were different, she'd indeed go out with me. I was cool with it, but somewhat disappointed, but what can ya do. But...my point is, I am noticing online dating sites are filled with people who are on "break ups" or "on a break" (sometimes going back with an ex even). Typically, lately, it seems to have been a staging area for the recovering. And, of course, it beats rebound sex with another man, so it's the next best thing. Anyone ever noticed this more so frequently with online dating sites? Also, in similar news, people who are going through divorce, but not quite "single" just yet....I was talking to a woman that says that's ALL she meets. lol
carhill Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I tried online dating for awhile during my D to gauge whether I could enjoy time with another lady without triggering feelings regarding my M or D. I found it was not an issue but had no real interest in dating anyone so discontinued. Everyone has their own reasons for putting themselves out there, whether online or IRL. As long as one is honest, I don't see an issue. My suggestion is to be honest yourself and gauge the women you are meeting and discontinue the ones who don't match up. Go with how you feel at the moment. Being proactive yourself can bring healthier balance to your perspective. TBH, I originally turned to online dating many years ago because I got tired of meeting women who were married or in relationships who liked to flirt or collect orbiters. At least people who online date are advertising themselves as single. Sure, that isn't always true but at least there's then no ambiguity about their character. It's easier to clarify things. If they're not really single, like the divorcing ones you speak of, then one can proceed with that information, or, if not disclosed prior, discontinue them for lack of honesty. In my ad, I advertised I was separated. Most of the women I met during the last online dating period had been divorced a number of years. The extent to which they were still embroiled with their ex'es varied. A divorce means nothing emotionally. It's just a stamp on a piece of paper. Good luck
Author irc333 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Yeah, like this woman agreed to stay in touch with me via email, so I dunno if things will change..she might reconsider meeting up....it's kind of a shame though, since she's so local / closeby because I'm so used to having to friggin commute an hour to the closest metropolitan area to meet women. Where I live, if you try to approach a woman in a bookstore or the traditional ways, the boyfriend or husband is JUST around the corner. LOL Where I live you really have to DIG DEEP to find unattached people. And typically, online dating is the ONLY way to DIG that DEEP. I tried online dating for awhile during my D to gauge whether I could enjoy time with another lady without triggering feelings regarding my M or D. I found it was not an issue but had no real interest in dating anyone so discontinued. Everyone has their own reasons for putting themselves out there, whether online or IRL. As long as one is honest, I don't see an issue. My suggestion is to be honest yourself and gauge the women you are meeting and discontinue the ones who don't match up. Go with how you feel at the moment. Being proactive yourself can bring healthier balance to your perspective. TBH, I originally turned to online dating many years ago because I got tired of meeting women who were married or in relationships who liked to flirt or collect orbiters. At least people who online date are advertising themselves as single. Sure, that isn't always true but at least there's then no ambiguity about their character. It's easier to clarify things. If they're not really single, like the divorcing ones you speak of, then one can proceed with that information, or, if not disclosed prior, discontinue them for lack of honesty. In my ad, I advertised I was separated. Most of the women I met during the last online dating period had been divorced a number of years. The extent to which they were still embroiled with their ex'es varied. A divorce means nothing emotionally. It's just a stamp on a piece of paper. Good luck
GivenUp0083 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I have noticed this A LOT lately. Be wary of people who had just joined a site as a NEW member, too. Typically, I'm finding these people to have just gotten out of a relationship or had break up, but not entirely over it. I had spent probably a week or 2 talking with a woman online, then I finally asked her out. She does respond, but she said over the past couple of days, she's realized she hasn't gotten over her ex, and that it wouldn't be fair to the men she's been talking to online. She said her friends thought it'd be okay to "Meet as friends" regardless, but still....again, even meeting as friends would send a wrong message to the men who are on "dating" sites...well...to obviously date....so even going out "as friends" would be moot. She said she's going to focus her energies on her hobbies and extracurricular activities and perhaps in a few months she might be ready. She said I was pretty much the only genuine guy she was corresponding with, and if the circumstances were different, she'd indeed go out with me. I was cool with it, but somewhat disappointed, but what can ya do. But...my point is, I am noticing online dating sites are filled with people who are on "break ups" or "on a break" (sometimes going back with an ex even). Typically, lately, it seems to have been a staging area for the recovering. And, of course, it beats rebound sex with another man, so it's the next best thing. Anyone ever noticed this more so frequently with online dating sites? Also, in similar news, people who are going through divorce, but not quite "single" just yet....I was talking to a woman that says that's ALL she meets. lol Let me get this straight for a second....you're sending a warning out to people. About online dating. Because a girl you were just emailing online, didn't meet up with or spend time/money on, told you up front she wasn't over her ex but wanted to stay in touch? That's your warning?? I only WISH I had gotten off so easy from my bad online dating experiences... Trying going out with a girl 5 times, have 5 great dates, pay for dinner, comedy show, cab rides, drinks, bond with emotionally, hook up together....then she disappears and doesn't even have the heart to tell you she doesn't want to see you, she just ignores your calls/texts the rest of her life. And you're going to warn us from girls who are upfront and honest in the beginning? Get outta here with that garbage. Yeah, like this woman agreed to stay in touch with me via email, so I dunno if things will change..she might reconsider meeting up....it's kind of a shame though, since she's so local / closeby because I'm so used to having to friggin commute an hour to the closest metropolitan area to meet women. Where I live, if you try to approach a woman in a bookstore or the traditional ways, the boyfriend or husband is JUST around the corner. LOL Where I live you really have to DIG DEEP to find unattached people. And typically, online dating is the ONLY way to DIG that DEEP. Based on your first post, I'd totally be convinced if you told me you lived in a cave. LOL
Author irc333 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Oh, you must've not seen my other posts...this is just an addenum to those. lol Let me get this straight for a second....you're sending a warning out to people. About online dating. Because a girl you were just emailing online, didn't meet up with or spend time/money on, told you up front she wasn't over her ex but wanted to stay in touch? That's your warning?? I only WISH I had gotten off so easy from my bad online dating experiences... Trying going out with a girl 5 times, have 5 great dates, pay for dinner, comedy show, cab rides, drinks, bond with emotionally, hook up together....then she disappears and doesn't even have the heart to tell you she doesn't want to see you, she just ignores your calls/texts the rest of her life. And you're going to warn us from girls who are upfront and honest in the beginning? Get outta here with that garbage.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Oh, you must've not seen my other posts...this is just an addenum to those. lol I can't recall any of your posts but the one on this thread, which I was specifically referring to... Good luck and watch out for those rebounders...you wouldn't want to spend a week emailing them only to find out they aren't over their last boyfriend. That's the worst!
Cee Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I confess that during my marriage, I started an online profile and did "dating" for a month. It was a horrible thing to do and I did go on first dates with a couple of men. Then I went in a shame spiral and deleted it. And shortly after, I ended my mess of a marriage. And got help for my emotional problems. Yes, women and men who are emotionally unavailable are all over the dating sites. I was one of them. I wish I could give you advice in finding those who are ready to date. But I think it's trial and error. Personally, I have found online dating doesn't work for me. I can't explain why it failed because I had lots of dates. Somehow men like me better if they don't read up on me in advance. They build up expectations of me that aren't true.
carhill Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 My best advice, as someone who has online dated, both domestically and internationally, over many years is to keep expectations *low* and meet in a safe and neutral public place as soon as mutual interest is established. *Investment* and *attraction* come from looking into eyes and pressing flesh and feeling synergy *in person*. What Cee relates is normal IME. It's one aspect of online dating. People 'testing the waters'. People who do it do it for their own reasons. As she put it so well, she was in no state of mind to date. A man who encountered her and her later disappearing act would, as an experienced man, understand this as part of the risk and process. Yeah, sometimes it hurts; hurt is a part of life. Keep those expectations low and build intimacy and trust over time as part of an otherwise full and satisfying life. OP, did I ever tell you the story, back when I was phone dating, of falling in love, getting married and getting divorced all within the space of one long, stupendously crazy phone call one weekend? Yep. Don't sweat it. It all works out, eventually....
GivenUp0083 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I confess that during my marriage, I started an online profile and did "dating" for a month. It was a horrible thing to do and I did go on first dates with a couple of men. Then I went in a shame spiral and deleted it. And shortly after, I ended my mess of a marriage. And got help for my emotional problems. Yes, women and men who are emotionally unavailable are all over the dating sites. I was one of them. I wish I could give you advice in finding those who are ready to date. But I think it's trial and error. Personally, I have found online dating doesn't work for me. I can't explain why it failed because I had lots of dates. Somehow men like me better if they don't read up on me in advance. They build up expectations of me that aren't true. I can explain why it failed...you didn't date that long. You give it one month and didn't find the man of your dreams so it didn't work? I dated online for a year and a half and went through plenty of first dates, even 4th/5th/6th dates to find they weren't the right ones for me or to be rejected in some very disrespectful ways. But I stuck with it, I kept low expectations and started only going out with girls that I was specifically very interested in. Not just whoever I could set up a date with. Now I met a girl that is perfect for me and I couldn't be happier than ever right now, and if it weren't for online dating our paths would have NEVER crossed.
sally4sara Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 So what I'm reading here is its better to date the dumper and not the dumpee. But I thought that was only what women did because it elevated a man's status to be the dumper.... You're all status seekers!
Author irc333 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Yeah, my success with women online, are only with those NEW to dating sites, and are testing the waters...sometimes they quit it as fast as they joined, too. Usually do to the overwhleming amount of emails and IM's they have sort through, so they just "Hide" their profile or quit altogether, can't say I don't blame them. While others remain permenent fixtures across multiple dating sites. LOL (Veterans) I find that the latter have completely ignored me. lol My best advice, as someone who has online dated, both domestically and internationally, over many years is to keep expectations *low* and meet in a safe and neutral public place as soon as mutual interest is established. *Investment* and *attraction* come from looking into eyes and pressing flesh and feeling synergy *in person*. What Cee relates is normal IME. It's one aspect of online dating. People 'testing the waters'. People who do it do it for their own reasons. As she put it so well, she was in no state of mind to date. A man who encountered her and her later disappearing act would, as an experienced man, understand this as part of the risk and process. Yeah, sometimes it hurts; hurt is a part of life. Keep those expectations low and build intimacy and trust over time as part of an otherwise full and satisfying life. OP, did I ever tell you the story, back when I was phone dating, of falling in love, getting married and getting divorced all within the space of one long, stupendously crazy phone call one weekend? Yep. Don't sweat it. It all works out, eventually....
Cee Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I can explain why it failed...you didn't date that long. You give it one month and didn't find the man of your dreams so it didn't work? I dated online for a year and a half and went through plenty of first dates, even 4th/5th/6th dates to find they weren't the right ones for me or to be rejected in some very disrespectful ways. But I stuck with it, I kept low expectations and started only going out with girls that I was specifically very interested in. Not just whoever I could set up a date with. Now I met a girl that is perfect for me and I couldn't be happier than ever right now, and if it weren't for online dating our paths would have NEVER crossed. When I did online cheating I did it for a month. After my marriage ended, I waited 4 years to try to date anyone. I gave online dating a chance for nearly two years. I tried PoF, Match, and OKC. It was fun at first and I had a bunch of dates, but it wasn't for me. I am open to going back to it, but right now I'm pursuing other options. It's slim pickins for me in real life, but I just met a guy and I'm thrilled about it.
pandagirl Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I didn't think I was "rebounding" as it's been almost five months since my breakup, but I realized quickly that, 1) I wasn't ready to jump into dating and the emotions that come with it and, 2) I'm just not interested in dating. I messaged back and forth with one nice guy. I'm going to tell him the truth and just sign off the site for now.
Author irc333 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Oh oh, I think I just started a trend. lol I didn't think I was "rebounding" as it's been almost five months since my breakup, but I realized quickly that, 1) I wasn't ready to jump into dating and the emotions that come with it and, 2) I'm just not interested in dating. I messaged back and forth with one nice guy. I'm going to tell him the truth and just sign off the site for now.
carhill Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 OP, listening to the women here is really good information. Do you see how they decide what about online dating is good (or not) for them and then make decisions based on that? This is where you and I can learn to care less about the process and more about what is good for us. Assign it appropriate importance and care. Refrain from seeing women as delicate flowers who need our care and protection. If a woman is rebounding and you see the signs, nod your head and move on. If she's attention-whoring, same. Etc, etc. Recognize the reality, accept it and move on. They never earned the privilege of an emotional response. Care less. I recall the last lady I dated seemed too busy (for me). Rather than feeling deprived or disappointed, I nodded my head and said 'good on her for being busy'. I got busy myself, doing things other than dating her. Life goes on.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 When I did online cheating I did it for a month. After my marriage ended, I waited 4 years to try to date anyone. I gave online dating a chance for nearly two years. I tried PoF, Match, and OKC. It was fun at first and I had a bunch of dates, but it wasn't for me. I am open to going back to it, but right now I'm pursuing other options. It's slim pickins for me in real life, but I just met a guy and I'm thrilled about it. You first said you only did it for a month and it wasn't for you...now you're admitting you did it for 2 years? Not making sense... I didn't think I was "rebounding" as it's been almost five months since my breakup, but I realized quickly that, 1) I wasn't ready to jump into dating and the emotions that come with it and, 2) I'm just not interested in dating. I messaged back and forth with one nice guy. I'm going to tell him the truth and just sign off the site for now. Here's the thing guys like IIRC don't understand.... There's no written rule that a woman has to be ready to jump into a serious long term relationship to be able to create a profile on a dating site. Dating is dating, meeting new people, seeing what happens. If someone like panda girl tries it out for a little while and learns something about herself and what she wants, then that's fine as long as she doesn't mislead or deceive anyone. In the year and a half I online dated I learned a LOT about myself and what I wanted. Dating allows you to develop and figure out what you want and who you are. There's nothing that says you have to be completely ready to get married to the person you start emailing without the option of backing out at any time. People are free to do what they please. At least IIRC's woman was up front about it before they met.
Author irc333 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 I had a situation where I was correponding with a woman for 3 weeks, I met her online, and as coincidence would have it, I knew some of her friends personally....but I didn't meet her in person. So I thought I a step forward. Anyhow, she said she preferred talking email for a while, so I waited about 3 weeks, before asking her out She launched into a tirade about how she is "giving up online dating, because she met some psycho online that kept pestering her after they've met" And I said, "what's that got to do with me?" And I kind of talked her into seeing me for a movie, said something like "Well, it' s shame we talked all this time, and you don't want to meet" I was able to talk her into meeting, guess she felt guilty or something, lol But that was it after that, she wound up meeting her new boyfriend afer that (not online though)
Author irc333 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 some people will use a recent "bad online dating experience" that they had JUST before you, and get cold feet about meeting YOU. lol
Cee Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I admire your perseverance IRC33. I couldn't take online dating after awhile. All those people amounting to absolutely nothing.
NG85 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Even though a lot of the stories here are about women on the rebound, I can attest to the fact that men also go on dating sites on the rebound - I'm one of them. My ex and I broke up last year, and the next day the first thing I did was resurrect my old dating profile. I came across really desperate, hounding girls and asking them out WAY too early. I managed to get one girl interested, but I completely blew it by being really pushy before we even met. I then decided to take a break, and work on actually getting over my break up. Once I was able to do that, I went back on my online dating site and managed to write good first messages and get some real interest. I went on a date last weekend, and I may have 1 or 2 more girls interested in going out with me. You have to give it time and not be needy or overly pushy, otherwise it'll blow up in your face.
GivenUp0083 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I had a situation where I was correponding with a woman for 3 weeks, I met her online, and as coincidence would have it, I knew some of her friends personally....but I didn't meet her in person. So I thought I a step forward. Anyhow, she said she preferred talking email for a while, so I waited about 3 weeks, before asking her out She launched into a tirade about how she is "giving up online dating, because she met some psycho online that kept pestering her after they've met" And I said, "what's that got to do with me?" And I kind of talked her into seeing me for a movie, said something like "Well, it' s shame we talked all this time, and you don't want to meet" I was able to talk her into meeting, guess she felt guilty or something, lol But that was it after that, she wound up meeting her new boyfriend afer that (not online though) Well this is where you have some control. You shouldn't have to PUSH for a date or GUILT a girl into meeting you. Only pursue girls that have a mutual interest. If she's blowing you off because a previous bad experience, then what does that tell you about her? She gets cold feet easily, she's a quitter, she lacks patience, she's pessimistic. Now do you want to really be with someone like that anyway? That's when you say to yourself it's time to move on. I admire your perseverance IRC33. I couldn't take online dating after awhile. All those people amounting to absolutely nothing. Well, in all honesty, you should maybe take a loot at what NRG said about taking personal time to get over other relationships and figure yourself out. You went on a ton of dates...maybe being more selective and looking for specific qualities in other people that you would be attracted to, as well as the type of guy that would appreciate what you bring to the table. A lot of people do online dating and say there was nothing there for you, well maybe some of those people should ask what it is they can offer someone and if you can't answer that then maybe you need to do some soul searching.
paddington bear Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Funnily enough I joined a dating site to get over being friendzoned by a guy I liked. He upset me soo much that I decided to hell with it, that I had to get dating men who might be interested in more than damn friendship! My first date was still not over some girl that he had had a crush on for a year, even asked me to look at a text from her to decipher what she meant. So, yes, lots of rebounders and still-not-over ex's on there. However, what it did for me, and my personal circumstances was make me realise that actually men did find me attractive and that there were other possibilities. Meeting new people got me right over the guy who friendzoned me, so in fact, if I was kind of on the rebound in a way, the dating site helped get me out of the rebound and made me ready for the next person. (now I just have to get over the guy I met on there that I really liked who didn't like me back... )
Author irc333 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Unfortunately I've ALWAYS been the guy I was USED to get over someone else, not the "next guy" she finally decided to date AFTER she got over the ex. Quite the story of my dating life. lol Funnily enough I joined a dating site to get over being friendzoned by a guy I liked. He upset me soo much that I decided to hell with it, that I had to get dating men who might be interested in more than damn friendship! My first date was still not over some girl that he had had a crush on for a year, even asked me to look at a text from her to decipher what she meant. So, yes, lots of rebounders and still-not-over ex's on there. However, what it did for me, and my personal circumstances was make me realise that actually men did find me attractive and that there were other possibilities. Meeting new people got me right over the guy who friendzoned me, so in fact, if I was kind of on the rebound in a way, the dating site helped get me out of the rebound and made me ready for the next person. (now I just have to get over the guy I met on there that I really liked who didn't like me back... )
paddington bear Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Unfortunately I've ALWAYS been the guy I was USED to get over someone else, not the "next guy" she finally decided to date AFTER she got over the ex. Quite the story of my dating life. lol Aw! Don't worry, I'm the girl who is always the platonic friend, or the girl to be slept with and subsequently abandoned
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