TheThinker Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I dont know where to start - i am trying as much as i can but we have always for 5 years emailed each other day to say ... I have been blunt and to the point in my recent e-mails so that i am not going too far or saying anything out of the ordinary or begging but i dont know where to start. I cant go no contact or i wont see my daughter ... What do i do ?? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t261405/
marqueemoon4 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 You obviously can't go 100% NC when a child is involved. All you can really do is keep all conversations strictly about your daughter, keep them short, concise and upbeat. End of story. Now if I could just follow this advice.
Author TheThinker Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 You obviously can't go 100% NC when a child is involved. All you can really do is keep all conversations strictly about your daughter, keep them short, concise and upbeat. End of story. Now if I could just follow this advice. I know what you mean - i just cant seem to break the habit as much as i try ... i have been trying with the e-mails today _______________________________________________________________ ME: Just so you know XXXXXXX had an accident at playschool – so much so she managed to wet her boots … so I took her back to your house to get her changed as she couldn’t walk around in wet shoes. I put some Jeans on her (the ones with the multicoloured waistband) and her new shoes and she was happy. I have left the bag on the table and I have put her boots on the radiator near the back window to dry out. You also had a letter from work – It was A4 size and quite thick. Looked like a contract of some sort ?? Oh and I told Michelle we are going through a hard time at the minute and we have broken up so at least she knows. HER: thats a long email....and a sad email. _______________________ ME: What do you mean ?? _______________________ HER: Your house...stuff like that _______________________ HER: Sorry _______________________ ME: Just so you know I have paid playschool now so they won’t be bothering you or upsetting you. _______________________ HER: ok then
marqueemoon4 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Whenever I have my son I was getting these "how is xxxx" texts every morning. I did it as well when she had him, but really it was an excuse to see if she'd talk to me. She wouldn't, and I knew he was doing just fine and if he wasn't she would let me know. This is stopping.. I'm not texting her about him anymore, and will ignore her texts from here on out.
Author TheThinker Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Whenever I have my son I was getting these "how is xxxx" texts every morning. I did it as well when she had him, but really it was an excuse to see if she'd talk to me. She wouldn't, and I knew he was doing just fine and if he wasn't she would let me know. This is stopping.. I'm not texting her about him anymore, and will ignore her texts from here on out. Good for you - We arent in that sort of situation - as per my main thread she has maintained that she still wants to be my friend and doesnt want it to be awkward when i am around etc ... She said she doesnt want it to be that my daughter is waiting on the step for me to arrive and i just drop her off and run. She would like me to be able to come in and have a drink etc Everything is very amicable but i suppose if i am even going to attempt the NC then that needs to stop alongside all the small chat. Hence why i have been quite to the point in my e-mails above. I need to do some sort of NC not just because i want her back and it seems that its the best way to start everything, obviously I cant set myself up for the massive fall that would occur when she doesnt. I also need to do it for the sake of my own recovery. I realise this but obviously the hard part is the doing Edited January 19, 2011 by TheThinker
Author TheThinker Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Further to my e-mail conversation earlier (above) this is where i left it today about 16:30 and i havent contacted her this evening ... Is this a good thing ?? I have to contact her tomorrow to arrange picking up my daughter...Do i email her in the day or do i just leave it ... do i send her a text message and do it that way __________________ HER: are you ok? ________________ ME: Yes I’m ok Have you eaten yet ________________ HER: Sure? You seem different, or quiet.. I had a biscuit because i went funny headed. I am trying to eat. ________________ ME: I am ok, just a bit down, no disrespect, but I am having to try and get my head around starting my whole life again without you in it at the minute. You need to eat more than a biscuit. ________________ HER: sorry. Ill leave you alone. ________________ ME: That’s not what I wanted – I wouldn’t try to upset you in any way – Sorry if you do feel like that ________________ HER: to late for that. If you want to talk to me you know where i am...i wont keep bothering you ________________ ME: I’m not asking you to leave me alone – I am just telling you I am not trying to upset you or anything; I am just trying to get my head around it all. And you seriously still need to eat more than a biscuit ________________ HER: it doesnt matter if im upset...i did this, its my fault. Say what you want to me whether it upsets me or not. Like i said, ill leave you alone. If you wanted to talk to me you can but ill leave you to have space. Edited January 19, 2011 by TheThinker
carhill Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Consider the contact to be LC (limited contact) specific to the business of custody and visitation and, as applicable, support. This can be very business-like. It's not much different than negotiating a divorce settlement. If you erase out everything other than the child and don't respond to her statements/inquiries/comments about issues other than the child, that will support LC. Other than healthy co-parenting, your five year relationship is over, apparently. Accept it. Acceptance is an active thought process. Do all of your child-related conversing in writing. Absent emergencies, don't talk on the phone. Be polite and business-like in person. No warmth or affection. Save that for your child. You'll make mistakes. She'll make mistakes. Accept that. Allow for it, emotionally. Take two deep breaths before responding. Re-read e-mails and responses before sending. My sympathies....
Author TheThinker Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 ok so i failed at the first and second hurdle now in terms of limited contact. I dropped my daughter off last night and we were discussing how to work arrangements for the weekend. I was stood in the middle of the living room, she was sat down. She said "just sit down, your not making things any better by standing up, you are just making the situation tense" ... So i sat down We talked about things sensibly although it helped me and her. We talked about reasons as to why we split up and what happened over time etc. My faults, her faults (mainly the way i had continued to lead my life and not noticed things really - i knew that already but everything is like that in hindsight - She should have said something as well obviously) She said that there are lots of things going around in her head and that she does still love me and still has feelings for me. She said at the minute she doesnt feel she can start again but she doesnt know how she will feel in the future, but cant put any sort of time limit on anything as she doesnt know when or if it will ever happen. Now i know full well that i cannot cling onto that hope, her best friend is back from travelling in 2 weeks time and she will confide in her. I actually spoke to her online yesterday and she was shocked that it had happened and was saying things like "i will be back in less than 2 weeks, as soon as i am back we will get this sorted, you are made for each other etc" ... i told her that its not down to her to sort and this isnt the case, she has made her mind up. I suppose it has all raised hope but i need to see past that and act as if this is final. I wish so much that i could break contact completely and hopefully let her see what she is missing with me, but i cant because of my kid. I also want to break that contact so that I have time to heal and stop feeling the way i do because i cant see it going away anytime soon
marqueemoon4 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Its rough man... I agree with you, having to see your ex on a regular basis when you're trying to get over them is extremely difficult. Its also difficult for me when I have my son because obviously he makes me think of her also. I wish I could have a clean break, it would be far easier. All you can do is continue to be a great dad, give her space and let time do its thing.
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