Where's the line between coping and obsessing?

[dng]

Hi folks,

 

Six months and a half. I stayed open to reconciliation until the bitter end. I tried NC for months at a time, I tried blocking her on my phone but I was always hoping she'd find a way when she would be ready.

 

Turns out anything she tells me can be a lie, I'm not kidding. And I realized she's always been like that.

 

She blames everything on me. Seriously, everything. The last conversation we had, she told me "I would have come back a long time ago but I know you would never forgive me". Uh?

 

She lacks coherence in what she says. That's a bit hard to explain - she can talk for 20 minutes about something and not manage to explain anything, and then blame you for not understanding.

 

She had been cheating on me years ago and I always suspected but she never admitted until a recent conversation and managed to pin that on me too. There was something fishy going on with a guy and I had asked her to stop seeing him. She always argued he was just a friend.

 

She would always say OK but never change her behavior.

 

I had asked her to leave for a week - to her folk's - and reflect on what she wanted in life, she used that time to be with him and now tells me its my fault because I asked her to leave. She also said he was in love with her and she liked that and was attracted to him, but then she backtracked on that, no, she wasnt really attracted to him.

 

Ok that's an old story but its typical behavior from her.

 

I left her so many times and always ended up taking her back. She always said she understood now, she would change...

 

It's always been hard because we would have long discussions where I would try to explain to her how her behavior washurting me and hurting herself. She would end up saying she understands and then continue whatever behavior but just not tell me about it. Tell me exactly what I want to hear.

 

It wouldn't matter if she was doing her thing and leaving me alone but she fought so hard to keep me in the loop all this time. She fed me the most powerful love words and intentions the whole time.

 

There's a big time gap between when things happen and when she tells me about them.

 

Clearly not someone anyone in his right mind would want to be with, right? She's always managed to convince me anything wrong she did was my fault - and that's only when I would find out.

 

I've come to regret wasting so many years of my life with her. Now that I see clearly, I'm glad she did what I should have done years ago, honestly.

 

So I am obsessing or just coping? Even with everything I know now about myself and about her, I'm still thinking really hard about her all the time.

 

I was always very attracted to her, she's a princess I wanted to protect and save.

 

She managed to convince me to see her on monday. Minutes before she had to take the bus I realized how bad an idea this was, so I tried calling her and texting her to tell her not to come. I couldn't reach her, of course. She ended up texting me "I can't give you what you want, its over. I'm blocking you on my phone, no contact". My fault again, lol.

 

She called me an hour later, crying. I think about the conversation and she didn't say anything really. Same old, "That's not even what I want but I have no choice. I can't come, I can't do it, everything in my body screams its a mistake." But then, "Soon, I'll be ready, you'll find me at your doorstep one night."

 

Why do I care really? Caring about stuff like this is what made me stay with her and try to help her all those years.

 

I think I might have always been obsessed with her.

 

What do you think?

Edited January 19, 2011 by dng

[marqueemoon4]

I know exactly how you feel... completely betrayed. You're questioning yourself because you can't come to terms with the fact she was never honest with you and isn't who you thought she was. If you are obsessed with her then its best you get help to work through that. Obsessing about someone who has deemed the relationship over is not healthy and will obviously eat you alive.

 

I've recently realized my stbx is a compulsive liar. All those years I took everything she said at face value and believed her. At this point she'd convince herself the sky was purple if it benefitted her in any way. I just have to accept that this is how she is, and its impossible to have a relationship or marriage with someone like this, no matter how much you care for them or love them. Some people are just selfish.

[Rose T]

I've come to regret wasting so many years of my life with her. Now that I see clearly, I'm glad she did what I should have done years ago, honestly.

 

So I am obsessing or just coping? Even with everything I know now about myself and about her, I'm still thinking really hard about her all the time.

 

I'm afraid that you are obssessing, not coping. Coping strategies are different. Obssessing is par for the course to a certain extent, but by keeping the lines of communication open you keep picking at the wound, it can't form a scab.

 

You know that coping, with a view to healing, requires NC, but you don't really stick to it. Sometimes, when we don't have anyone else in our lives, then the drama of the neverending break-up replaces the emotions of the lost relationship, sometimes even mirroring it. But it's a false "filling" of the space. You also risk that she finds someone sooner, seeing as she holds more power here, and just vanishes one day to be with them. Then you could find yourself lower than ever.

 

You know you have to cut off contact, but it seems you can't bring yourself to go there. But you also know that you owe it to yourself not to waste any more time on this broken relationship. This is a healthy thought, and probably the truth. Focus on that, pull away from the games and your coping really will turn to healing.

[dng]

I'm afraid that you are obssessing, not coping. Coping strategies are different. Obssessing is par for the course to a certain extent, but by keeping the lines of communication open you keep picking at the wound, it can't form a scab.

 

You know that coping, with a view to healing, requires NC, but you don't really stick to it. Sometimes, when we don't have anyone else in our lives, then the drama of the neverending break-up replaces the emotions of the lost relationship, sometimes even mirroring it. But it's a false "filling" of the space. You also risk that she finds someone sooner, seeing as she holds more power here, and just vanishes one day to be with them. Then you could find yourself lower than ever.

 

You know you have to cut off contact, but it seems you can't bring yourself to go there. But you also know that you owe it to yourself not to waste any more time on this broken relationship. This is a healthy thought, and probably the truth. Focus on that, pull away from the games and your coping really will turn to healing.

 

This is what I needed to read. I tried to stick with NC and always failed. It was hard because I was getting all those emails and calls. I asked her many times to leave me alone but in the end it was my hand answering that last email or that last phone call.

 

For the first time in this whole breakup, she asked for NC. Every one here, every one around me has told me to stop answering her calls, her emails. She told me it was the same on her side. I wont post here what she was writing to me but it was heart wrenching stories of regrets, mistakes, longing, asking me for a chance to make things right.

 

Whenever we spoke after that, it was a complete reversal, now I was the one asking for a chance. I told her that and she just said "I know". She blamed that on me as well. I was questioning her motives and how this would work out, questioning her about that guy she starting seeing right away and basically lived with for a while and she did not like that. She would bounce back and forth between anger at me for finding out, wonderement why I care and what it changes between us, and feeling sorry for doing it.

 

The weird thing is that I never really wanted her back after she met someone and made that clear on several occasions. She was really lying to me about everything and I knew it, and I felt I had to try to find out everything I could.

 

Now I'm glad that I did because it explained to me why we can never be together again.

 

Otherwise, she could have come back in a year and I would have taken her back. Now at least its clear to me a relationship with her can never work.

 

Its really hard to understand what happened. I feel like she used me as best as she could. I told her that too and she could only say "I was sincere, I really wanted to come back but I couldn't".

 

You know what? It did mirror the relationship. That is very true.

 

I predicted to her months ago that she would work as hard as she could to keep me in the loop until she found someone and then cut me loose easily, or maybe I would be the one - which is also what you just told me.

 

Clearly I am obsessing. I'm still writing about this in details. Details about my life, yes, but also details about her life which I shouldn't even know about because she's no longer my responsability.

 

Crazy.

[YellowShark]

Dude I hate to break it to ya but she sounds like a classic BiPolar. And you are codependent. Please Google both terms and you'll see what I mean. Once you do a light bulb will go off in your head, promise.

 

Best of luck.

[alimpo83]

I've been down that road before and sometimes I still am. I've been obsessing in and out about my ex, because breaking NC makes me go back to stage one. It's like a drug. The only way you can manage to move on is try to continue to NC. I broke NC twice and her one time, and destroyed me again each time.

 

So your ex is like mine a bit. Mine didn't cheat on me, but she told me she felt inclined to do it a couple of times when some guys hit on her, towards the end of our relation (which till the last day I didn't know was going bad).

 

They simply don't deserve us. They are s***. Yes they are bipolar, each time I speak with my ex I understand that. As an example, she now wants to get a cup of coffee to build our "beautiful frienship", because of all we lived. And she doesn't care anyone sees us together, when like a month and a half or so she didn't want me to meet her where she worked, because of her girlfriends and guys would see me with her. She's trying to string me, big time. I'm fighting that, fight it too!

 

You're not alone in this boat, believe me!

[dng]

Dude I hate to break it to ya but she sounds like a classic BiPolar. And you are codependent. Please Google both terms and you'll see what I mean. Once you do a light bulb will go off in your head, promise.

 

Best of luck.

 

Your "diagnosis" is a bit simplistic but good pointers. I had read about this before but only applied it to her.

 

At first glance we were both taking turns at being codep and narcissistic. We are both so similar.

 

Now I'm going to apply it to me and discuss it with my therapist.

[dng]

I've been down that road before and sometimes I still am. I've been obsessing in and out about my ex, because breaking NC makes me go back to stage one. It's like a drug. The only way you can manage to move on is try to continue to NC. I broke NC twice and her one time, and destroyed me again each time.

 

So your ex is like mine a bit. Mine didn't cheat on me, but she told me she felt inclined to do it a couple of times when some guys hit on her, towards the end of our relation (which till the last day I didn't know was going bad).

 

They simply don't deserve us. They are s***. Yes they are bipolar, each time I speak with my ex I understand that. As an example, she now wants to get a cup of coffee to build our "beautiful frienship", because of all we lived. And she doesn't care anyone sees us together, when like a month and a half or so she didn't want me to meet her where she worked, because of her girlfriends and guys would see me with her. She's trying to string me, big time. I'm fighting that, fight it too!

 

You're not alone in this boat, believe me!

 

Hey bro. I'm sorry you have to go thru this and I know how hard it is.

 

I dont see my ex as **** even today. She has problems, I have problems, and we had problems together, yes. I need to stay away from her because I can't help her anymore, and probably never could.

 

She probably never really got what she needed from me, and I never got what I needed from her, but various conditions and predispositions made us stay together.

 

I see now that I've been feeding her monsters by staying reachable to her. Took the longest time, but I see the part I played in my current ordeal.

 

I do want to feel good again. I want to use this experience and turn it into something positive for my next relationship.

 

Anger is ok, for a time, but try to think positive things. You want to fall in love again and trust again one day, like me, I'm sure.

 

You have to prepare yourself for that.

[dng]

I've been doing alot of therapy to work on myself after the breakup.

 

My ex had been contacting me a whole lot, like seriously disruptive, for months. Everytime we spoke she drove the nail in a bit closer to my heart. She blamed everything, everything on me. It was all my fault and almost everything that went wrong was my fault.

 

I've realized alot of things since then, partly because of the awesome people here, and party because of my own work on myself.

 

Is it OK if I write her an email with my perspective on thing? I took all the blame and now I hate myself for it.

 

I don't want to get back in contact, I dont want her to answer. I know she's probably not going to understand because her empathy machine is really broken, but I would like to put it out there.

 

Is that breaking NC, if I ask her to not reply?

 

It is obsessive behavior on my part? I ask myself "Why do you want to do this?" and the answer is "You took so much abuse, at least now that you are better you can set the record straight".

 

I'm glad she's gone but concerned for my future and still miss her presence in my life.

 

Why am I so hung up on that woman? She's never been that good to me.

Edited January 20, 2011 by dng

[Fern]

I've been doing alot of therapy to work on myself after the breakup.

 

My ex had been contacting me a whole lot, like seriously disruptive, for months. Everytime we spoke she drove the nail in a bit closer to my heart. She blamed everything, everything on me. It was all my fault and almost everything that went wrong was my fault.

 

I've realized alot of things since then, partly because of the awesome people here, and party because of my own work on myself.

 

Is it OK if I write her an email with my perspective on thing? I took all the blame and now I hate myself for it.

 

I don't want to get back in contact, I dont want her to answer. I know she's probably not going to understand because her empathy machine is really broken, but I would like to put it out there.

 

Is that breaking NC, if I ask her to not reply?

 

It is obsessive behavior on my part? I ask myself "Why do you want to do this?" and the answer is "You took so much abuse, at least now that you are better you can set the record straight".

 

I'm glad she's gone but concerned for my future and still miss her presence in my life.

 

Why am I so hung up on that woman? She's never been that good to me.

 

Write the email - get it all out there but don't send it. Chances are she already knows what a d**k she was - and if she doesn't, your email isn't going to penetrate that thick skull. She most likely won't reply. And if she does she's not going to say anything that makes you feel better. If she gets defensive and angry, you'll feel like ****. If she apologise, you'll STILL feel like ****, believe it or not - because it DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE to the eventual outcome. You're still split up. Save your dignity friend. Don't send it.

[dng]

Write the email - get it all out there but don't send it. Chances are she already knows what a d**k she was - and if she doesn't, your email isn't going to penetrate that thick skull. She most likely won't reply. And if she does she's not going to say anything that makes you feel better. If she gets defensive and angry, you'll feel like ****. If she apologise, you'll STILL feel like ****, believe it or not - because it DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE to the eventual outcome. You're still split up. Save your dignity friend. Don't send it.

 

I wrote it already but haven't sent it yet. I don't want her to reply, I want to be NC with her evermore.

 

I would lose my dignity if it was full of "I want you back and I regret this and that" but the only regrets I express are for taking her back when I left her 5 years ago.

 

She had made everything to be my fault in her head and I was so weak for a while there, I agreed to everything.

 

She made the breakup 100x harder by never respecting my pain when she left, out of pure egoism.

 

These are very damaging moves on her part and I feel like I should let her know I'm back into myself now, I'm not done on the ground and I know better.

 

I hate that she ran away thinking she could do better and I hate that by agreeing to everything, I devalued myself so much.

 

That's why I would like to send it. There's loss of dignity in that?

 

There's loss of time, for sure. I'm still spending hours on her. That's the only loss I can see.

 

Set me straight? Opinions?