twinsmom Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Wow, wasn't expecting that. My recent posts were made well before the past week. Not sure who can vouch for me; Fooled Once?? BB07?? Doesn't really matter. As a matter of fact, I'm a former OW..I just thought I could help make you understand the futility of your situation, based on your past posts. I'm sorry you felt the need to lash out at me. I treat you worse than your MM?? Boy, I hope so..He seems like a real prize. Don't worry about hearing anything from me again..Good luck..
twinsmom Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 FYI, my posts began in February..This last week? Whatever..
Author Heather1 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I think I clearly get what's going on in my xA....you're just a little too salt in the wound. Sorry, didn't mean to attack you but that's what you seemed to do to 2 of my posts, one where I was trying to be helpful to someone else & you lashed out. I don't see how telling someone their humiliating themselves is helpful at all. I could see that if I'd been leaving messages for 2 weeks & he wasn't getting back to me. That's not the case.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 H, write letters to him, either hand written or email but DO NOT send them. For theraputic reasons only. It'll help you stay in NC mode as well as get stuff out of your head. Stay strong.
BB07 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I think I clearly get what's going on in my xA....you're just a little too salt in the wound. Sorry, didn't mean to attack you but that's what you seemed to do to 2 of my posts, one where I was trying to be helpful to someone else & you lashed out. I don't see how telling someone their humiliating themselves is helpful at all. I could see that if I'd been leaving messages for 2 weeks & he wasn't getting back to me. That's not the case. twinsmom didn't lash out at you Heather, she told you some truth and you didn't like it because it seemed harsh but twinsmom made some good points. She meant well Heather.......she didn't say it to be cruel. When you get on the other side of this thing, you'll also read about situations and think......oh please don't do that because you can see the self inflicted pain. Heather from what I've read of your posts, your affair has been ongoing for years and it's back and forth, on and off with he (mm) doing the humiliating. You are obviously in pain but you do your best to hide it. I hope you can get off the merry go round and stop letting that man have so much power over you.
Author Heather1 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 He has a lot to lose & a lot of guilt, I can understand why he pushes away. My real life is really busy & moving forward. I have to admit, this abrupt NC took me aback & has me confused, but it's OK. I'm really more productive w/out him doing the guilt trip on me. I've come to a point where if he wants me, that's fine, if he doesn't, ouch...but OK. There was always a timer on this. I'm a really competitive person, maybe he was just the ultimate challenge? As friends & lovers, I really enjoyed the time we spent together. If he can't handle it anymore, I'm OK w/ that.
JsSweetPea Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 H, write letters to him, either hand written or email but DO NOT send them. For theraputic reasons only. It'll help you stay in NC mode as well as get stuff out of your head. Stay strong. That's a great idea! Heather, I hope you have a fun weekend. It sounds like you're going to have an awesome time!
Author Heather1 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 That's a great idea! Heather, I hope you have a fun weekend. It sounds like you're going to have an awesome time! Oh! I wanted to tell Whichway that I have been doing that & it's REALLY helpful! Lately what I've been working on in journals is freewriting, re-reading it, and then picking out what's REALLY going on. Trying to grow a little instead of getting down on myself. I have a childhood habit of beating myself up & looking @ the neg. I'm tired of being a drag! Funny thing was, yesterday I was w/ a GF who has no idea what's going on w/ me. Right before we left the restaurant she said, "you look better than ever, you really look relaxed lately." Anyway...back & forth on the computer planning my adventure!! Wish me luck!!
twinsmom Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I apologize for the "tough love". BB07 is right; I just wanted you to see what I see, and perhaps I was too harsh in doing so. I was deeply in love for 3 1/2 years with my MM, and the end result was very bad. It just hurts me to see you pining for the man that has treated you so badly. He doesn't even deserve your thoughts. But that's all I will say.
IzzyB Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 I apologize for the "tough love". BB07 is right; I just wanted you to see what I see, and perhaps I was too harsh in doing so. I was deeply in love for 3 1/2 years with my MM, and the end result was very bad. It just hurts me to see you pining for the man that has treated you so badly. He doesn't even deserve your thoughts. But that's all I will say. You rock TwinsMommy
Author Heather1 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Posted January 22, 2011 I apologize for the "tough love". BB07 is right; I just wanted you to see what I see, and perhaps I was too harsh in doing so. I was deeply in love for 3 1/2 years with my MM, and the end result was very bad. It just hurts me to see you pining for the man that has treated you so badly. He doesn't even deserve your thoughts. But that's all I will say. I'm sorry that that happened, I didn't know that. I thought you were a BS telling me how pathetic I am. Rest assured, this is not a man I'm deeply in love w/. If at the beginning he would have reciprocated, absolutely!! In all my relationships I give someone the benefit of the doubt a couple of times, and then I pull back or am gone. I read BB07's article...I'm more addicted than anything else. I had a great day!! Barely thought about it & I'm just finishing up this training thing. It's costing me a fortune, but it's going to be the coolest once I finish.
awkward Posted January 22, 2011 Posted January 22, 2011 Heather you need to have another bonfire! I hope the NC gets easier for you.
Author Heather1 Posted January 25, 2011 Author Posted January 25, 2011 I do need another bonfire!! I'm worried that I have 4 uneventful days to myself & nothing but dwell time. I still haven't heard from him, but I still haven't sent a note myself either. I don't really know what I did? I mean, everything was upbeat & really light then "poof." I think what's hard is that if I even ask him, I'm not going to like the answer, so I'm leaving him alone. At least he doesn't know I'm thinking about it, so I got that going for me.....
awkward Posted January 26, 2011 Posted January 26, 2011 Exactly. You still have your dignity! If it was me, I'd plan something to keep me busy for those four days even if it was just something like "me" time. I'd only allow myself so much time each day to think of him. Because in reality, even those few minutes I'd allow myself is probably more than how much time he would be thinking of me.
Author Heather1 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 I do that too, and think about how much time I spend thinking when he isn't. I actually had 2 emergencies in a row this week, and one of them was regarding his business. He totally took care of it for me, no questions asked. We were only meant to be friends, neither of us can handle a PA anymore.
whichwayisup Posted January 27, 2011 Posted January 27, 2011 Oh! I wanted to tell Whichway that I have been doing that & it's REALLY helpful! Lately what I've been working on in journals is freewriting, re-reading it, and then picking out what's REALLY going on. Trying to grow a little instead of getting down on myself. I have a childhood habit of beating myself up & looking @ the neg. I'm tired of being a drag! Funny thing was, yesterday I was w/ a GF who has no idea what's going on w/ me. Right before we left the restaurant she said, "you look better than ever, you really look relaxed lately." Anyway...back & forth on the computer planning my adventure!! Wish me luck!! Glad it's helping!! And don't beat up on yourself. It serves no purpose! I know it's easier said than done, I do it to myself at times (PMS, or when when I'm sick, frame of mind just goes negative) so I do understand it's not easy, work with what your friend said to you! Us women need to STOP with the negative crap we do to ourselves. Just had a conversation recently with a friend of mine about this and neither of us can figure out why our minds "go there" at times. It's stupid when you think about it, does damage and makes us feel worse! SO, next time you feel the negative train coming, put on some music and dance naked infront of the mirror and sing! Call a friend you KNOW will make you laugh and be silly. Be proactive in the sense of fighting the bad feelings. Don't do the friendship things H. Not now. Once the feelings are less and less and you're not as detached, and you're not going to question and wonder/analyze word for word what he *may* mean or read into something he says, or does, no friendship can happen. Keep it on the straight and narrow, professional, non personal and do not rely on him for ANYTHING personal. That's what your friends and family are for. Get used to not having him around in your life.
Author Heather1 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Posted January 27, 2011 I know we can't be friends right now... This week sure shows me how this happened in the first place & why I haven't been able to fully let go. We started in a crisis for both of us, and every time we try to go NC someone dies in my life & I have to mourn 2 people. Then OM is right there for me, as a friend. That goes by, we start flirting again & talking all the time & it goes back to a PA & then he freaks out. The main problem is, I'm attracted to him. I have to let that fade away before I can think about being friends. As lame as this week has been for me, I can see I'm relying on him for my crisis' & then he becomes the crisis. I like the dancing naked idea! Next week maybe I can take a few days to myself w/out a cell? I was planning on this week, but all hell broke loose & it was a chain reaction. I was here for my kids though, and I would have been gone if the first event hadn't happened. I think the universe is trying to show me something about my grief & an appropriate reaction to it. Like someone trying to be there for you, as a friend, and I take it as "more." Plus, he's a guy. I do love him as a friend, I will admit to that. I'll have to lean on someone else for grief.
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