Heather1 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Want to contact OM, but won't. He's dwindled down contact to....well, none. I'm getting the hint, but it's still hard. Nov was the last time I really saw him & he acted so awful afterward I went NC again for just a few weeks. We had LC during Christmas & NY, just enough for him to send me a Christmas message @ 10:30 @ night. I went on w/ my life, went to parties, didn't have it affect me another holiday season & was OK. The LC seemed to be OK, wasn't getting my hopes up, I was fine. A few weeks ago, he called me for the first time since Nov & wanted me to stop by his work. He gave me a Christmas present?? It was a freebie to him, and a complete afterthought from our phone conversation, so it wasn't a thought out gift, but it was appreciated. I haven't gotten him gifts after our fiasco last Christmas. Nothing else happened, except I looked into his eyes & they were pleading w/ me to stop. Anyway....I haven't heard from him since. It must have been a peace offering, or maybe he just saw me & thought "what the hell have I been doing?" IDK. I can't even guess his process anymore it's always so erratic. Here's my closing thoughts on the whole thing....he's done. He couldn't do the NC thing, because he didn't want to look like the bad guy. He offered me "friends" & I took it, knowing it would be a trickle down to NC thing anyway, but it seems the only way we can detach ourselves. NC created too much longing. It gives him the control over the breakup, but I just don't care anymore. Every which way has been hard, if it's me getting the hint while he stops contact that's the way it's going to be. In the meantime though, it's NC w/out it being NC, ya know? If I got ahold of him, it's just a one sided deal? It probably always was. So I'm posting now so I can just leave him alone. I can't believe that once this started, we have tried everything to get out & have failed.
TigerCub Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 aawww, I'm so sorry Heather. I think the whole gift things is more of an insult than anything. He actually pretty much told you that it was an afterthought and that he didn't really go out and think of something nice to get you. It seems like a little peace offering - but at the same time, if it were me, I'd prefer no gift to a poorly (not even) thought out gift. I'm sorry. But I'm proud of you for being strong and "taking the hint". You should be proud of yourself as well for not chasing after him and constantly trying to rekindle what was there before. That shows a lot of strength and dignity. I know you're hurt, but I think you're going about things right. Yeah going NC right away is tough. I tried that many times and it didn't work, then I went LC and that gave me enough space to think more clearly and see things more objectively and then going NC was an easy choice (because I finally acknowledged a LOT of lies I overlooked before) - but I was only able to see all that with some distance. I know that not every situation is the same, but I think its always best to not beg/plead/manipulate or chase after someone. So good for you!!
Author Heather1 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Thank God I'm not like that! He has no idea that I know what's going on & am just tired of putting up a fight. My closure was a note I'd sent after a few weeks of NC middle of Dec. I said, "I miss you" & his reply was "thanks." It's the only one I've kept, just as a reminder of his true feelings. My initial reaction was WTF??? I waited a day, and sent a bland reply so I didn't cause drama. I don't want him to know I'm even hurt, what's the point anymore? I'm sure he's fine w/ a one sided friendship where I'm doing all the work. My motto for 2011 has been "no effort." I would have been insulted by it, but it provided me w/ a really nice day I wouldn't have had otherwise, so I'll just be appreciative. I was taking notes on it though, so I do know what you mean. He may think I'm a wimp for not calling him on it, but I'm done w/ even putting in that amount of effort into explaining all the ways he hurts. Besides, it's an A & it was going to hurt...ya know?
jj33 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 He may think I'm a wimp for not calling him on it, but I'm done w/ even putting in that amount of effort into explaining all the ways he hurts. Good for you for not replying or calling him on it. How can you call someone on not responding the way you wish they would? Or expressing love for you when they arent doing so for whatever reason? Once a relationship is over all rights to expect a particular type of communication end. It doesnt matter whether its a relationship between 2 single people or an A. Same principles apply. It sucks but that is life. You will sleep better once your mind accepts the situation and unfortunately that is simply a matter of time. Hang in there it will get better
TigerCub Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 Thank God I'm not like that! He has no idea that I know what's going on & am just tired of putting up a fight. My closure was a note I'd sent after a few weeks of NC middle of Dec. I said, "I miss you" & his reply was "thanks." It's the only one I've kept, just as a reminder of his true feelings. My initial reaction was WTF??? OUUCH!! what a douche! Its good that you want to remember his indifference and therefore not bother anymore. I waited a day, and sent a bland reply so I didn't cause drama. I don't want him to know I'm even hurt, what's the point anymore? I totally understand what you're saying. There does come a time where one just thinks 'what's the point?' and that makes it easier to want to move on. I actually wrote xMM a long email as our LC was winding down, when I was totally at the point where I saw his lies and didn't want anything to do with him. My email was basically telling him that I was aware of his lies, and that its too bad he chose to live a lie rather than be honest with the 1 person that wouldn't have judged him. I also told him that I wont be contacting him again, and asked him not to reply. I had to do what I did for me, because I wanted my new year to start off without any remaining regrets about him. I didn't want to look back and wish that I had said something I didn't get to say. And that's why I did it, but beyond that, just like you, I just feel these men aren't worth the effort and the hurt they cause. I'm sure he's fine w/ a one sided friendship where I'm doing all the work. Of course he would be, his whole life is based on that philosophy. My motto for 2011 has been "no effort." Good for you, effort is only worth giving to those that deserve it and would give it back to you. I would have been insulted by it, but it provided me w/ a really nice day I wouldn't have had otherwise, so I'll just be appreciative. I was taking notes on it though, so I do know what you mean. He may think I'm a wimp for not calling him on it, but I'm done w/ even putting in that amount of effort into explaining all the ways he hurts. Who cares what he thinks - he can suck it! All that matters is that you know why you're doing things and that you are doing what's best for you. Besides, it's an A & it was going to hurt...ya know? oh, i hear ya...just sucks that's the way it goes.. Stay strong Heather and take good care of yourself
half_ofa_heart Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Thank God I'm not like that! He has no idea that I know what's going on & am just tired of putting up a fight. My closure was a note I'd sent after a few weeks of NC middle of Dec. I said, "I miss you" & his reply was "thanks." It's the only one I've kept, just as a reminder of his true feelings. My initial reaction was WTF??? I waited a day, and sent a bland reply so I didn't cause drama. I don't want him to know I'm even hurt, what's the point anymore? I'm sure he's fine w/ a one sided friendship where I'm doing all the work. My motto for 2011 has been "no effort." I would have been insulted by it, but it provided me w/ a really nice day I wouldn't have had otherwise, so I'll just be appreciative. I was taking notes on it though, so I do know what you mean. He may think I'm a wimp for not calling him on it, but I'm done w/ even putting in that amount of effort into explaining all the ways he hurts. Besides, it's an A & it was going to hurt...ya know? Heather... My heart goes out to you! I sooooo understand your pain. Even though you're in pain you're just too exhausted to fight anymore. You're done but still hurting. I've often wondered what it would be like to have my MM be the one to end it. I've actually prayed for it because I have tried soooo many times to end it on my own and I just can't push him away. When he comes a calling with he pleas and "I love you's" I melt. I've never had to deal with what you're dealing with now and wonder which is better. To try and end it only to have him come begging back which continues to hurt you... or... have him end it and deal with the rejection and the realiziation of the finality of it all. Both SUCK and both are inevitable in an AFFAIR! Hugs to you Heather! My heart goes out to you, it truly does. Edited January 19, 2011 by half_ofa_heart
Author Heather1 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks to you all...especially for understanding. Wounded ego for sure, sad about that. We would have never worked in the light of day even, I'm a realist about that. It's one of the reasons I never wanted "more," never brought it up even. He never said his M was in trouble or complained about his W, which ironically is one of the things I liked about him because he didn't make himself to be a victim. The other thing is, if he would have I would have thought he was lying anyway & this actually never would have happened. Tiger, I thought a little about a final NC note...but again, too much effort & I think he'd be relieved to get it. Like he's broken up w/ me, but then I want to make it so I'M the one breaking it off. Nope, he's not even going to get that one. He knows I'm really busy, and my last note was a cool song I found & saying I was off to go do my new, ever so cool, hobby. I'd like that to be his last picture of me, flying off into the sunset looking forward. I don't want him for a second to think I'm hurt. C-Ya!!
Ladyblue Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I'm proud of you for how you're handling it!
Author Heather1 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 I'm proud of you for how you're handling it! it's hard, I'm doing the best I can. Staying busy & looking forward to stuff, so that's good. I just have to keep posting here so I don't press send on anything else. Thank you for saying that though, I'm trying not to be too upset about it. Like I said, it's hard.
jthorne Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I'll bet your own H doesn't treat you with that much disrespect. Yet here you are, losing sleep over some married numbskull. That's a little messed up, don't ya think?
blueroses10 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Want to contact OM, but won't. He's dwindled down contact to....well, none. I'm getting the hint, but it's still hard. Nov was the last time I really saw him & he acted so awful afterward I went NC again for just a few weeks. We had LC during Christmas & NY, just enough for him to send me a Christmas message @ 10:30 @ night. I went on w/ my life, went to parties, didn't have it affect me another holiday season & was OK. The LC seemed to be OK, wasn't getting my hopes up, I was fine. A few weeks ago, he called me for the first time since Nov & wanted me to stop by his work. He gave me a Christmas present?? It was a freebie to him, and a complete afterthought from our phone conversation, so it wasn't a thought out gift, but it was appreciated. I haven't gotten him gifts after our fiasco last Christmas. Nothing else happened, except I looked into his eyes & they were pleading w/ me to stop. Anyway....I haven't heard from him since. It must have been a peace offering, or maybe he just saw me & thought "what the hell have I been doing?" IDK. I can't even guess his process anymore it's always so erratic. Here's my closing thoughts on the whole thing....he's done. He couldn't do the NC thing, because he didn't want to look like the bad guy. He offered me "friends" & I took it, knowing it would be a trickle down to NC thing anyway, but it seems the only way we can detach ourselves. NC created too much longing. It gives him the control over the breakup, but I just don't care anymore. Every which way has been hard, if it's me getting the hint while he stops contact that's the way it's going to be. In the meantime though, it's NC w/out it being NC, ya know? If I got ahold of him, it's just a one sided deal? It probably always was. So I'm posting now so I can just leave him alone. I can't believe that once this started, we have tried everything to get out & have failed. Tigerclub gave you great advice. I've read that often to get over the grief of ending an affair, a mild anti-depressant is often needed. It seems that MM is leaving small bread crumbs behind in case he wants to come back. Make a list of all the things that you hate about him and focus on those things.
JsSweetPea Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 You should be really proud of yourself the way you're handling things! I hope everything works out for you & you rock that super cool new hobby of yours!
Distant78 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 I'll bet your own H doesn't treat you with that much disrespect. Yet here you are, losing sleep over some married numbskull. That's a little messed up, don't ya think? Agreed. And two innocent spouses are caught in both of their destruction.
Author Heather1 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Agreed. And two innocent spouses are caught in both of their destruction. Which is another reason I'm OK w/ it. This was a friendship that crossed the line when 3 friends in a row died. I have no intention of tearing his family apart....none. We've just tried to re-capture the friendship again, and it hasn't worked, and that I think is what I'm the most sad about. We crossed a line & we've never been able to go back. This has been incredibly hard. I don't think some of you understand how fragile relationships are, or that people break down in different ways. This started when I was in a severe crisis & for awhile I think it distracted me from what was really going on in my life. So for that I'm grateful.
Distant78 Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Which is another reason I'm OK w/ it. This was a friendship that crossed the line when 3 friends in a row died. I have no intention of tearing his family apart....none. We've just tried to re-capture the friendship again, and it hasn't worked, and that I think is what I'm the most sad about. We crossed a line & we've never been able to go back. This has been incredibly hard. I don't think some of you understand how fragile relationships are, or that people break down in different ways. This started when I was in a severe crisis & for awhile I think it distracted me from what was really going on in my life. So for that I'm grateful. I'm going to be blunt here so don't take this too hard: Please spare me the excuses. You knew exactly by getting involved with infidelity that you were hurting others.
Author Heather1 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Posted January 20, 2011 Thanks for the moral superiority I don't know why BS post on here, it's not helpful & for someone trying to get out of an A it makes up stop posting & go back in because we don't talk about it in the real world. It's like bringing a bottle of vodka to an AA meeting, letting everyone get a wiff & say "you know this I's going to destroy your life don't you...so change your ways!". You just have no idea. So far, I'm the only one hurt & I saw some show where only 6% of men tell their spouses. Most A's are never discovered. My advice to BS is to A proof your M, not preach here
half_ofa_heart Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Hi Heather... Don't let these sour posters sway you from your goal which is to get the support you need for YOU. Learn how to set those infamous sour posters to ignore as most of what they say never needs to be seen. Let me know if you need help on just how to set them to ignore. It really is helpful.
pureinheart Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Thank God I'm not like that! He has no idea that I know what's going on & am just tired of putting up a fight. My closure was a note I'd sent after a few weeks of NC middle of Dec. I said, "I miss you" & his reply was "thanks." It's the only one I've kept, just as a reminder of his true feelings. My initial reaction was WTF??? I waited a day, and sent a bland reply so I didn't cause drama. I don't want him to know I'm even hurt, what's the point anymore? I'm sure he's fine w/ a one sided friendship where I'm doing all the work. My motto for 2011 has been "no effort." I would have been insulted by it, but it provided me w/ a really nice day I wouldn't have had otherwise, so I'll just be appreciative. I was taking notes on it though, so I do know what you mean.He may think I'm a wimp for not calling him on it, but I'm done w/ even putting in that amount of effort into explaining all the ways he hurts. Besides, it's an A & it was going to hurt...ya know? Hi Heather...wow, I so understand and am right there with you(((((((((hugs)))))))))
pureinheart Posted January 20, 2011 Posted January 20, 2011 Thanks for the moral superiority I don't know why BS post on here, it's not helpful & for someone trying to get out of an A it makes up stop posting & go back in because we don't talk about it in the real world. It's like bringing a bottle of vodka to an AA meeting, letting everyone get a wiff & say "you know this I's going to destroy your life don't you...so change your ways!". You just have no idea. So far, I'm the only one hurt & I saw some show where only 6% of men tell their spouses. Most A's are never discovered. My advice to BS is to A proof your M, not preach here In bold, that's interesting...excellent advice BTW, some would do well to take heed.
IzzyB Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Heather, sending you hugs and lots of support and understanding. I think you hit on something when you commented about relationships being fragile; this is true on so many levels, not even having to do with affairs. Its funny, but the more I'm on this website, the less the people who have unhelpful or "superiority" comments affect me. Its very cool. And I agree with Heart about blocking them if it negatively impacts you. You are trying to do the right thing and you truly do sound sorry that you crossed that line. You really dont strike me as a shameless hussy who doesnt give a crap about other people! So take what you need and leave the rest. I have learned that when I judge, its more about me than the other person. I'm just riding on the hood of the car seeing a bit out in front of me whereas God is way above me overseeing EVERYTHING so He is the only one who can judge - he has ALL the info. And quite honestly, I think that God is a whole lot more compassionate than us mere mortals.
Distant78 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 Thanks for the moral superiority I don't know why BS post on here, it's not helpful & for someone trying to get out of an A it makes up stop posting & go back in because we don't talk about it in the real world. It's like bringing a bottle of vodka to an AA meeting, letting everyone get a wiff & say "you know this I's going to destroy your life don't you...so change your ways!". You just have no idea. I have no idea? I was married to a cheater so I know how cheaters operate. Last time I checked anyone can post here and this forum isn't limited to cheaters/OM/OW so it's not fair that you and OM continue to put your spouses through this kind of pain. Why don't the both of you just let them go instead of wasting time? So far, I'm the only one hurt & I saw some show where only 6% of men tell their spouses. Most A's are never discovered. Where did you retrieve this information? My advice to BS is to A proof your M, not preach here And my advice to cheaters are to divorce before being with someone else.
Author Heather1 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 This is an open forum, glad AA is NOT open to guest speakers or you'd be on the podium telling people just don't drink. Gary Neuman was on an Oprah show years ago. You could probably google it & see his book on A's. It's geared towards the BS. I made it through the day & didn't get ahold of him. I had several thoughts running through my head all day in a mishmosh of feelings & thoughts. I'm OK though. I thought I'd be a wreck, or that I'd cave, but I didn't. I'm actually kind of relieved??? I don't have the pressure of total NC (that neither one of us could pull off), and I don't have that "oh God, why did I just send that" thing going on. Just kind of looking forward to an exciting weekend. I wish I could tell you all what I'm doing....it is SOOOO COOOL!! And I would have never thought of it without knowing him. Thanks for all your support!!
twinsmom Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 I really think you would just end up being disappointed yet again if you contacted him ..I mean, what would you say?? You said "I miss you", and he said "thanks"..Would you expect any kind of different result if you contacted him at this point? From the time I began reading your story, which was quite some time ago, you've gone from saying you were satisfied with it being a friends with benefits relationship, to then revealing how much you were in fact in love with him, although you denied it, but then you pretty much admitted it, to what now?? You have vacillated more than anyone I've seen on here. "I don't want anything more from him, and have never asked for it. I just want things to stay the way they are." "He has made me feel like nothing. I've never gotten a gift from him, although I've given him many." "The last time we were together, he made me feel like nothing." "He's never ever said anything bad about his wife or his marriage." "I'm dying to contact him, but he's gone No Contact." "We've just never been able to stay away from each other". (Read: He contacts you when he wants a booty call, then you feel miserable afterwards, every time.) I know I haven't quoted your words verbatim, because it's gone on so long that I can't remember them, but the gist of the matter is the same..After all these years, you're STILL pining over this scumbag who has treated you like sh@t for many years, and yet you're still considering going back for more. You are, whether you can yet admit it or not. If he called you today, you would be there at his beck and call. Wouldn't you??? Yes, you would.. Please stop...I wish you could see how you are humiliating yourself. Best wishes..
Author Heather1 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 I've been writing in this forum to keep my feelings in check, he knows nothing of how I feel anymore & hasn't for over a year. Yeah, if he didn't feel so guilty every time we got together I'd be OK w/ everything & don't expect more. I'm at a totally different place than when I first started posting. This will ONLY be an A, I would never ask him to leave his W & I'm not really even jealous of his W. By nature, I care about people deeply. I'm not a big believer in love & I'm not a jealous person. I think the soul mate stuff is a load of crap. I do like him a lot though & didn't expect him to stop out of nowhere. Twinsmom, you actually treat me worse than he does. You're kind of a bearer of bad news, like the GF who never says anything uplifting so you don't talk to her anymore.
Author Heather1 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 And I have to wonder if you were here under a different name before because you only have 77 posts? I'm sure all in the last week.
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