'I Need To Protect Myself'

[pingu45s]

Hello All,

 

Some advice if you will please.

 

my girlfriend broke up with me just before Christmas, citing the 'need to protect herself' 'I'd never change' 'her feelings have changed' and that 'I'd never be able to put a kid first'.

 

Shes bitter and resentful at me, due to my lack of commitment, we;ve been together 3.5 years and she wanted to move in with me for the last couple of years. Up until 3 years ago, I had never lived alone as I got very ill 8 years ago with a chronic illness, an illness which I still take a massive amount of medicaton for which knocks my immune system out.

 

I of course now want to commit, and have written her long heartfelt letters explaining my feelings etc, she says she appreciates my feelings but that her feelings have changed and we can't be together, and she hadn't seen a future for us for a very long time, she said it was incredibly hurtful at the time, but is over it now, and 'couldn't imagine' getting back into a relationship where she would have to put up with my behaviour. I admit, my medication does make me snappy and angry, and since the break up I have gone to my Doctor to try and get help, she (and I) both think that I have been suffering from depression for quite a few years due to my illness / medication, so have been reffered to a psychiatrist, which my girlfriend now knows about. When I pushed her about, why she didn't talk to me about not seeing a future for a long time, she said it was impossibly hard to talk to me, as I snapped at everything, I hate myself for causing her pain and can see everything a lot more clearly now, I haven't been there enough, she was resentful about me not going to family things with her, out enough etc, I fully admit to all of this, but I think I was so scared of pushing myself and becoming sick again that I narrowed my horizons so much and retreated into my shell. No excuse I know, but thats the situation. I had to say to her yesterday we couldn't be 'friends' for a long while as I am in pieces over break up and we were talking a fair bit, often instigated by me, but not always, I'm getting help now, which she knows and so maybe my actions will show her theres a future for us. She also suffers the odd bout of Social Anxiety where she thinks people don't like her, so I was trying to impress upon her my behaviour wasn't against her as a person but due to whatever I was going through in my head, but it's still not helped.

 

Not sure if theres anything further i can do other than space, but boy does it hurt, knowing you screwed up such a good thing, and hurt the person you loved.

 

Thanks

 

EDIT: We met up just after Christmas, (the last time I saw her) to give her, her Christmas presents, she said I wasn't giving her time to miss relationship but later on in the evening, she said that we would defintiely never have anything romantic again despite having, one ridicuosly long lingering look, which when i pulled away from and got angry about, she said 'not to put words in her mouth' so I guess she knew we 'sahred a moment', and has hardened her stance lately. Having spoken to her the day before yesterday, she says her nevers are still frayed about our situation.

 

Thanks

Edited January 19, 2011 by pingu45s

[TaraMaiden]

I think, to be honest, there's little anyone can say here to be constructive. You've said it all.

Basically, you've done too little too late.

 

That may not be your fault due to your conditions, but there again, you're not stupid. You're coherent, clear, concise and logical, so there's a grain of good intelligence there.

 

so why didn't you do something about this sooner?

you must have known there was an element of dissatisfaction on her part.

 

Did she ever suggest a break or separation, before?

Did the fact that she wanted to commit, not indicate that she was trying to tell you she wanted to stay with you, at the time?

 

Did your turning her down not alert you to the fact that you were not on the same page as her, then?

I read your reasons, and I understand them.... but you also say they're not excuses.

 

Why do you think you were so obtuse as to not deal with this earlier?

I think it's gone past salvaging, now.

I dunno....

 

Actions speak louder than words, see....

You are going to have to walk the talk, big time, and actually show her really big signs of 'improvement' before she even so much as decides to give you the time of day.

Don't know whether it's been killed or just licking its pretty severe wounds, right now.

 

EDIT:

Double that after your Edit.....

[pingu45s]

I think, to be honest, there's little anyone can say here to be constructive. You've said it all.

Basically, you've done too little too late.

 

That may not be your fault due to your conditions, but there again, you're not stupid. You're coherent, clear, concise and logical, so there's a grain of good intelligence there.

 

so why didn't you do something about this sooner?

you must have known there was an element of dissatisfaction on her part.

 

Did she ever suggest a break or separation, before?

Did the fact that she wanted to commit, not indicate that she was trying to tell you she wanted to stay with you, at the time?

 

Did your turning her down not alert you to the fact that you were not on the same page as her, then?

I read your reasons, and I understand them.... but you also say they're not excuses.

 

Why do you think you were so obtuse as to not deal with this earlier?

I think it's gone past salvaging, now.

I dunno....

 

Actions speak louder than words, see....

You are going to have to walk the talk, big time, and actually show her really big signs of 'improvement' before she even so much as decides to give you the time of day.

Don't know whether it's been killed or just licking its pretty severe wounds, right now.

 

EDIT:

Double that after your Edit.....

 

Can't disagree with any of what you have just said, I am gutted about it all. I guess I was so wrapped up in my own health issues, that I took her for granted, as for the moving in together I always said I wanted to eventually but needed the time to find my own level of what I could imagine with my health on my own, I didn't want her to turn into my carer.

She said she was prepared to give up everything for me, and look after me, and I threw it back in her face, I can see why she sees that, but I didn't think of it like that, I was incredibly touched. She signed a 12 month lease on a flat sometime last year so I didn't think the moving in talk needed to happen until the 12 months were up, we went on a long holiday in Sept which to me was fantastic and made me realise I did want to move in with her, I;ve been a fool, I missed her when she wasn't there but was worried about having rugged pulled from under me I guess as I always seem to be waiting for next bad thing to happen since getting ill.

 

Shes never suggested a break before, we had a big row early December where she said she was thinking of breaking up with me, and I countered with the same, as she wasn't coming round when I was sick so much. I now see that she was pulling away from me then, and I was getting resentful about that, I didn't see it was because she was resentful about my lack of committment or my behaviour.

 

In my defence, I take pretty heavy duty medication which knocks you for six when reducing the dosage, and being in pain most of the day was taking up most of the thinking rather than other things, again, writing it down makes me feel terrible as she wasn't main focus in my life and she should have been because she was the best thing in my life, I hate the fact it's my fault and I can't do anything to fix it, or make it up to her. When we had a heart to heart about the breakup she said my first reaction to it was anger, and I said, I think that is fair enough, as she broke up with me, having bought my presents over and 6 days before Christmas.

 

Sorry about poor spelling in my EDIT: seems I can't change it now

 

 

EDIT: Shes also taking up smoking again for first time in 6 years or so since we split. She said it's only one carton and then she'll stop but..

 

EDIT EDIT: - I mean some of the medication I took at the start of my treatment has also potentially rendered me infertile, and I had 48 hours notice to bank a little insurance policy and come to terms with that so having kids were definitley something that had to be compartmentalised and put in a box (not literally) and put in a box along with a hell of a lot of other feelings and issues I had as I had more pressing concerns, It's not something I'm proud off, but unfortunately thats what happened. She also said when i said I didn't realise to you moving in was first step to marriage and kids that she couldn't believe I didn't see that. Now that I write it all down it sounds ridiculous that I didn't, but at the time, again I was wrapped up in my own little drug-fugged world.

 

EDIT: EDIT: EDIT: She also said she couldnt' put anymore into the relationship.

Edited January 19, 2011 by pingu45s

[pingu45s]

Well just got back from Psychiatrists. Diagnosed 'classic' case of moderate to severe depression, prescribed 12 week course of Psychotherapy and also antidepressents.

 

Just wish I had done this, before I hurt her.

[LifeIsGreat]

In my experience, some people are not good at forgiving/forgetting after they have been hurt.

 

From what she is saying, I truly believe you should just chalk this up to learning and move on with your life. It doesn't appear you have a chance at this point.

[pingu45s]

Yeah maybe, You're right. Just not used to not being able to fix things I have broken. Wish I realised how much I was hurting from the illness as I thought I was shielding her from the worst of it, and now realise I wasn't and took it out on her.

[pingu45s]

Garggh need to rant, the reason I said we couldnt speak as it still hurts like hell for me, and it appears shes moved on, is because she said to me onTuesday to 'Stop crowding her' when I asked her to open up to me as I hate for her to be on edge and hate the idea of her nerves 'being frayed' She contacted me the day after to ask had I sent her a spa voucher, It wasn't me so must have been friends or family as shes still going through a bad patch as a result of the break up. Shes being very cold and short with me, but is still seemingly suffering over the breakup I guess if people are sending her spa vouchers?

 

Ta

[Hacker]

Allow me to make one thing clear...your condition is not your fault. If she resents you for having it she is not a good person.

 

I had a condition a while ago where I was addicted, it was horrible but I eventually got over it. My ex resents those times as it made me lie, cheat and steal.

 

She still remembers those days and it still hurts her.

 

I empathise with you and your condition...

[pingu45s]

Someone offer words of advice Jesus Christ I'm in pieces here

[depplover_1980]

There is nothing you can do with her at the moment, she truly needs to time away to gather her feelings and thoughts and you must do the same. Only once all the confusion and pain has dampened could you ever talk constructively, but while that bile remains it will be so painful.

 

I suspect the more stress you are under the worse your illness will get?

 

On a personal note is there anything you have ever wanted to achieve? Have you considered doing charity or campaigning work for your illness? Now is the time to consider things like this as you need a major distraction, as she will not heal quickly on this one realistically.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear about your illness and I know how stressful it can be to cope with pain, feeling ill, and other consequences on top of that. Glad you went to see your doctor and that you are getting some support from there, if only medication.

 

Sad to say your girlfriend's feelings have changed. Feelings do not respond to reasoning or excuses for the most part. She has gone through the stages of trying to talk to you and persuade you of her needs and that failed. You got angry and short with her so that must have been upsetting to her. I know you realise now that you were too wrapped up with your own issues and feelings to pay much attention to hers. It seems you showed little or no empathy. In my experience, this is where a lot of guys fall down in dating and relationships. I'm still not sure why there is often this huge gap in sensitivity to feelings and the subtleties of relationships but there is.

 

I don't think you can retrieve things with this girl, it has gone too far. The separation process began for her a long time ago. You can learn from this though. You are acknowledging that you responded inappropriately towards her. You are still at a loss, it seems, when it comes to the empathy side of things. I think it would help to talk to a counsellor, maybe even a female counsellor, about this. Look into Asperger's Syndrome and see if that's a possibility. I am not suggesting it is, by any means, but more people are borderline than one would think. Knowing where you were regarding ability to empathise might actually help in the future.

 

I think you need to forgive yourself for not being 100% the guy she needed. You were ill and are still suffering. You need to get as much support for your issues as possible, to help you cope with your feelings about them and your ex. Talk to friends and family too. Some will help, some won't, but you'll get some perspectives and support. I was insensitive with a guy I went out with. I just didn't realise he was that sensitive and that the things I thought could wait (a declaration that the relationship was mutually exclusive on my part) couldn't. We did start out as a casual relationship though so perhaps I can be forgiven for not noticing that things had changed for him. But, the point is, all we can do is to learn from it and realise that we are not bad people, just people who didn't pay enough attention at the time.

 

You are acknowledging where things went wrong now. You are being honest and admitting you didn't pay attention. That is the mark of a decent guy with integrity. Do you realise how hard that is to find? You can learn from this and become the great partner we all want. Leave your ex to her new life and work on yourself. You have a better future ahead, you just have to take it step by step.

Edited January 23, 2011 by spiderowl

[pingu45s]

Thanks for the words of advice chaps. Need to give her, her space, but boy is it hard.

[pingu45s]

Slight update. Had a terrible day at work last week, got very anxious. Went home, and phoned her to apologise if I had ever made her as anxious as I was feeling just then. Also said was a facebook youtube music video she put up about me (It contained very harsh break up lyrics in it) she said no of course not, had a conversation she said she still didn't love me anymore, I asked when feelings changed, she said it came from an arguement we had where she got wrong end of the stick and thought I meant we didn't have a future together.

 

Sent her a long, heartfelt email saying that I loved her every bit as much as she loved me and lots of other stuff, next day three more music vids go up on her facebook with far more maudlin, I miss you type lyrics. I quickly ask, are you sure they are not meant for me, she says no and I got on my merry way, 10 mins later one more vid goes up Feist's Limit To Your Love, and I haven't spoke to her since, over a week later.

 

Yes everyone I know is saying I am reading far to much into it, and yes she would know where to find me if she wanted to say something, but surely after mentioning to her the day before that I hoped the video wasn't meant for me, then the next day more maudlin vids go up shes saying something.

Edited February 3, 2011 by pingu45s

[JrRos]

You need to go NC asap. The more you tell her you love her that you have change, the less she's going to listen to you. Read the "worst things to do on a break-up" thread. It will help you to grasp a better view of what NC is all about.

 

I in you same situation. Minus the meds. When we parted was the last time we saw each other and talked. I have had severe guilt trips knowing that I screw-up something great. However, I realize that there's really nothing I can do, but change, better myself, and not commit the same mistake again.

 

As much as you want that person back you have understand and respect her decisions. You cannot force, nor convince someone to be with you. This is something I have come to understand. People change, feelings change. Give her time. Give yourself time. Take care of yourself, and if she ever feels there's something left for you in her, she will let you know.

 

Stop trying to analyze and interpret what she posts. Stop going over her page. Stop contacting her. All this is going to reopen the wound and hurt you more. Everything passes, sooner or later. Like I said, give her time, and take care of yourself. Always try and aim to be better, not for others but for your own benefit. Good luck.

[pingu45s]

And apologies for not thanking the other responders, Been trying not to think of all of this lately, so steered clear of thread.

 

Thanks

[pingu45s]

Garrrgh 9 days NC why is it, every day I think it's one day closer to her coming back!

[Chi townD]

You have to stop doing this to yourself. NC is used as a time to heal and move on. Not for a time for you to think that she's gonna miss you so much so that she's gonna come running back to you.

 

Let me ask you this, do you usually feel better after you've talked to her. I would venture to say probably not. You go back to missing her, and resenting the action that happened during the relationship and you get pushed back to square one and hurting again.

 

She isn't coming back. One thing that I've learned is that women are VERY stubborn creatures. Once they decide it's over, it's usually over and nothing you can do is gonna change their minds.

 

You've written that you've made improvements to your life and for yourself! GOOD FOR YOU!!! You can take that and focus it and everything you've learned into another relationship when you're ready. But YOU have to be ready to move on. If you don't, it won't be fair to you or the girl you're dating. It takes a good solid man to recongize where he went wrong in his life, but it takes a bigger man to make the changes to his life for the betterment of himself and for others.

[pingu45s]

No I don't feel better after I've talked to her, as I've usually made things worse, so well aware I need to leave well alone, and feel I am able to do that now.

 

I have been talking to a friend of hers who has said, stop trying to force my will on her, respect her decision, and whose to say that she won't feel differently later on, but I am doing more harm than good when I call her, and am pushing her further away.

 

I know all this now, but just wish she would give me a call.

[JrRos]

STOP expecting. Worry about yourself. Seriously do so unless, you are a masochist. In that case carry-on as you have.

[pingu45s]

Yeah you're right. I've just hurt her, and it really bloody hurts that I have and turned her against me.

[pingu45s]

Grrrr facebooks a bloody nightmare. Can see her becoming friends with people she couldn't stand when we were together. I realise I should delete her or block her feed, but don't feel able to just yet. Shes not taken down all of our pics yet either.

[pingu45s]

Garrghh been 2 weeks since we last spoke and since I sent her an email apologising for her getting the wrong end of stick, however lying in bed last night, I remembered the arguement she is now reffering to. I thought it was a completely different one.

 

I was feeling rough from the effects of the medication, she phoned up and we got into an arguement about the future, was pretty bad. She came round next day to talk it out, and I think I did say, maybe we dont' have a future then. I now feel absolutely awful, I apologised for the wrong thing, and I did actually say what she is accusing me of.

 

I also did a massive amount of thinking last night about my lack of commitment to her, I've come to the conclusion it's because I just didn't know how to ask her, I know it sounds ridiculous but I have never been in a position to either A) have someone move in with me or B) be in a serious enough relationship where I would want to move in. I asked her time and time again to stay as long as she wants, but didn't know how to ask her properly to move in.

 

I don't know what to do, I feel the need to apologise for both of these things, but don't want to make her worse. The breaking of NC is not a big deal for me, I couldn't feel worse than I do now. This is a different kind of pain, more like the realisation of the facts of the matter than wishing I could get her back.

 

 

EDIT: As far as the arguement, I felt backed into a corner with everything going on in my life and her having a heavy relationship talk in the middle of me going through a lot of other stuff,health / work etc and I now realise, how me not giving her any space since we split, has been to her, she must have felt backed into a similar corner.

Edited February 9, 2011 by pingu45s

[pingu45s]

Bump. Could do with some opinions, on whether I should email her acknowledging the argument I forgot about and try to explain my actions. Shes still not collected her stuff from my place as her nerves are frayed from situation, so I will be able to explain when we eventually meet for that, but feel I need to explain before that, seeing as I emailed her talking about a completely different argument she meant

[TaraMaiden]

I really don't think you've quite grasped the concept of "no Contact" or "let it go" really, have you?

 

No Contact.

Leave it be.

Let it lie.

Do not explain.

Do not justify.

Do not clarify.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect....whatever it is...

Do nothing.

Say nothing.

Send nothing.

Text.

email.

Message.

Letter.

 

zero.

Zip.

Nada.

Zilch.

Rien.

Niente.

 

Go.

No.

Contact.

[pingu45s]

I really don't think you've quite grasped the concept of "no Contact" or "let it go" really, have you?

 

No Contact.

Leave it be.

Let it lie.

Do not explain.

Do not justify.

Do not clarify.

Do not pass go.

Do not collect....whatever it is...

Do nothing.

Say nothing.

Send nothing.

Text.

email.

Message.

Letter.

 

zero.

Zip.

Nada.

Zilch.

Rien.

Niente.

 

Go.

No.

Contact.

 

But, but but but hahaha. Yeah you're right. I can cope with my pain, it's just knowing that I have caused her pain thats destroying me. I just want to make it right. She said I was crowding her a while back, so I know I need to leave it, but jesus it hurts knowing I have hurt her.